I Am Stunning
I check my mail infrequently. More accurately, I check my mail when the mailcarrier rings my doorbell and hands me a stack of crumpled up magazines, bills, and pieces of mail addressed to The Sensible Driver at my address. I read the magazines and pay the bills, but I generally send the mail for The Sensible Driver back to Geico. No one fitting that description lives here.
This week, I have checked my mail every day. Monday I got my car title. It is suitable for framing. Tuesday, a card from Grandma (with check!) arrived. Wednesday, I received a lovely postcard from Belgium. But I was waiting for something special.
KJ has known me for half my life. When we met, I was jailbait and we have managed to maintain a platonic relationship ever since. He's an interesting guy. A bit of a pyromaniac, and a little scarred from the skin grafts, but still an interesting guy.
Last weekend, KJ called me to tell me that I simply must use the kind of pepper spray that law enforcement officers use. I told him that I already have pepper spray. I told him what kind it was and he said, "Mist, I eat sh*t hotter than that. If someone used that on me, I'd kill them and lick my fingers afterwards."
The next day, I took a trip to my local Pepper Spray Depot and picked up a bottle of Freeze Plus P. I had to sign some hold harmless paperwork, but I am pleased with my purchase. I cannot wait to mace someone. Bring it on b*tches.
I called KJ to tell him that I took his advice. He said, "You need a dog." I am not responsible enough for a dog. Sometimes, I don't even pick up my own crap in the yard. "Well then, you need a Taser." Yes, yes I do.
Why do I not own a Taser? All these freaking accessories and not a single Taser. I told him that I wanted the kind with a camera on the end so that I could post pictures of the people that I Tase on my blog. He said, "I'll see what I can do."
Thursday, I opened my mailbox. Inside was a package addressed to The Well Accessorized Woman at my address. I squealed when I saw the return address. My own Taser. At last. I hoped that it was the Ladies Special with a pearl handle. I looked over my shoulder suspiciously and brought the package inside. Before I unwrapped it, I opened my notebook with the list of people that I would like to Tase in it. I made a few additions to the list and bumped one person up higher on the list. Then, I opened the package.
The following is the phone call that I made (as near as I can remember it):
Mist: What the f*ck is this?
KJ: So, you got "the package."
Mist: What the f*ck is it?
KJ: I made a taser out of a disposable camera. You might want to cover it in tape so you don't shock yourself.
Bring it on b*tches.