To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, October 06, 2006

I Am Stunning


I check my mail infrequently. More accurately, I check my mail when the mailcarrier rings my doorbell and hands me a stack of crumpled up magazines, bills, and pieces of mail addressed to The Sensible Driver at my address. I read the magazines and pay the bills, but I generally send the mail for The Sensible Driver back to Geico. No one fitting that description lives here.

This week, I have checked my mail every day. Monday I got my car title. It is suitable for framing. Tuesday, a card from Grandma (with check!) arrived. Wednesday, I received a lovely postcard from Belgium. But I was waiting for something special.

KJ has known me for half my life. When we met, I was jailbait and we have managed to maintain a platonic relationship ever since. He's an interesting guy. A bit of a pyromaniac, and a little scarred from the skin grafts, but still an interesting guy.

Last weekend, KJ called me to tell me that I simply must use the kind of pepper spray that law enforcement officers use. I told him that I already have pepper spray. I told him what kind it was and he said, "Mist, I eat sh*t hotter than that. If someone used that on me, I'd kill them and lick my fingers afterwards."

The next day, I took a trip to my local Pepper Spray Depot and picked up a bottle of Freeze Plus P. I had to sign some hold harmless paperwork, but I am pleased with my purchase. I cannot wait to mace someone. Bring it on b*tches.

I called KJ to tell him that I took his advice. He said, "You need a dog." I am not responsible enough for a dog. Sometimes, I don't even pick up my own crap in the yard. "Well then, you need a Taser." Yes, yes I do.

Why do I not own a Taser? All these freaking accessories and not a single Taser. I told him that I wanted the kind with a camera on the end so that I could post pictures of the people that I Tase on my blog. He said, "I'll see what I can do."

Thursday, I opened my mailbox. Inside was a package addressed to The Well Accessorized Woman at my address. I squealed when I saw the return address. My own Taser. At last. I hoped that it was the Ladies Special with a pearl handle. I looked over my shoulder suspiciously and brought the package inside. Before I unwrapped it, I opened my notebook with the list of people that I would like to Tase in it. I made a few additions to the list and bumped one person up higher on the list. Then, I opened the package.

The following is the phone call that I made (as near as I can remember it):

Mist: What the f*ck is this?

KJ:
So, you got "the package."

Mist:
What the f*ck is it?

KJ:
I made a taser out of a disposable camera. You might want to cover it in tape so you don't shock yourself.

Bring it on b*tches.

Mist 1


84 Comments:

At 10:19 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

I know only one person with a taser. Shes a stripper, but shes also a "little person" so she needs the protection. Shes tased people who try to touch her when shes giving lap dances.

And Id like to know how that camera taser thing works

 
At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember seeing that thing somewhere on the net on how to make a taser from a throwaway camera. I bet that thing packs a punch

 
At 11:39 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I made a taser out of my dogs collar. I'm tired of all those dirty little children putting their hands on my dog! Take that you grubby little bastards!

 
At 12:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I am so unarmed. Will he make me one of those too????

 
At 12:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can get a taser as a camera? I don't need one but I want one...

 
At 1:06 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

Not your car! Your boyfriend! Let's keep things straight here. LOL Not to get off subject but I found this photo, and I could only think of you Mist. I posted it on my TGIF. Have a great weekend Mist. :)

 
At 3:13 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist, excuse my European ignorance, but what is a 'taser'? I am assuming it is some kind of weapon... We're not allowed that stuff over here - even the coppers. They just have to yell, 'Stop! Or I'll shout 'Stop!' again.'

I've heard that the crime figures are rising.

GP

 
At 4:17 AM, Blogger C said...

Whoa nelly - I better send you that thank you note asap - before you bump me up on that list and come hunting me down - I am seldom home - ahem....I blog from unknown locations all over the world.

 
At 4:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I come bearing chocolate and wine. You are woman, kindly roar! And please point that thing at that guy over there.

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jessie,

I bet she gets big tips.

I'm dying to know how this thing works too..

matt,

Will let you know. Will try not to shock self.

nihilistic,

That's fabulous. It also sounds kinda fun in the bedroom.

echo,

Sending these things to Canada could violate some international trade laws, don't you think?

shadow,

Need and want are snyonymous to me.

nerd,

Of course, My Boyfriend, although now that I own him, he might be My Husband.

puss,

I'm crossing the pond to Tase people. I'll show the coppers what they're missing.

c,

Yes, yes I'm sure you do.

0,

Please put the wine down and back away from it slowly. No sudden moves, or the chocolate gets it.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Damn. There goes my plan of showing up unexpectedly at your door and yelling "Surprise!" I'd end up on the ground in convulsions.

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I love surprises.

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Just don't pack the wrong camera for christmas....

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I am stunned...but probably not as much as people you come in to contact with over the next week! I want to get some of those accessories. You should attach a little portable radio to it too...cause let's face it. Memorable moments are always done to music - ask hollywood!

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

You don't know my family.

spoon,

Any suggestions for the musical score?

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

hahaha can't wait to see those pictures!!

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

C'mon over. You can help me test it out.

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger Steph said...

That is so cool.
I'm speechless.
You are officially the coolest person i know.

 
At 6:33 AM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

This scares me. I'm going to have an irrational fear of disposable camera's now. Damn, axe murderers and cameras. I am nuts.

As for personal protection, I have a .9mm Baby Eagle. If that doesn't work I have a husband with a .44 magnum Desert Eagle.

Oh, and I also have a small, harmless Shih-tzu. ;)

Kristyn

 
At 6:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WELL CRAP!!!!! Iffin I'da known you had one of them things I sure wouldn't have tagged you. I am probably the one that you moved up on the list.

I shall have to be watching for a sneak taser attack now.

Later yall.

 
At 6:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stun fun huh? Interesting!!!!!

 
At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stun fun huh? Interesting!

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steph,

You don't have to say that just to keep me from Tasing you.

kristyn,

Does the Baby Eagle fit in your handbag or do you holster it?

melon,

Don't be silly. I can't sneak up on anyone. I wear heels, I talk a lot, and I have obnoxious hair. You'll know it's me from a mile away.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

I'm not sure that it's interesting. It's probably closer to scary.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Jesus Christ! Where do you live, Southwest D.C.?

As much as I love dogs in the city, they're so much trouble that it would be far easier for you to just move to a safer neighborhood. Wow.

When I lived in a more dangerous neighborhood, I carried pepper spray and a collapsable steel police baton, which I always tucked into my belt beneath my jacket when I... took the dog for a walk. Frankly, that dog was more of a liability than an asset.

I never had to use it. The one time some guys tried to jump me and put a gun to my head, I just outran them, sprinting down the street with my steel baton as if I was about to hand off to the next runner in the 4X400....

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Oh.... So you're going to "shoot" people w/ that camera?

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Clever. That's the plan. Unless I shoot myself in the process.

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Give me a call when you land - there's vodka in the freezer and my 80-year-old neighbour is recently widowed - I'll happily introduce you.

GP

 
At 7:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Where can I get a steel baton? More importantly, were you a majorette?

puss,

I may never leave. Sounds just perfect.

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I was right. Something fishy 'bout you Mist. And I like it. Have a stunning weekend.

 
At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I borrow it?

Just for a night.

Come on...

I promise i'll give it back! ;)

Steve~

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

I love fish. Especially the coi.

steven,

I'm still trying to figure out if this is a one shot kind of deal. Let me try it on you and then you can borrow it, once I've retreated far enough back so that you can't Tase me back.

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger C. said...

wow...that reminds me of the time that my dad rigged his truck with a wire that would send out voltage if the truck was moved/jarred etc, after he had locked it!

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Funny. I have a friend who used to drive a car that was missing part of the steering wheel. Everytime she hit the middle (where the horn was) she'd get a shock.

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger C. said...

OW!! I get shocked all the time just from stupid friggin static electricity...and I'm sure people think I'm weird when I'm scared to open doors!! I just stand there like an idiot, and touch the door before I grab the handle...almost like dipping a toe in water!

 
At 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remind me never to get on your bad side. Well for that matter any side. It'll be safer that way.

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

Crap! I'm over here with just some quasi-sharp car keys and some tampons...I could shove these up your nose!!

But really, I feel all unprotected now.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1,

Selfdense Dot Com sells steel batons. Nobody'd call me a majorette if I hit them over the head w/ it.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger saurabh said...

Hmm, you know, that's not a bad idea... Most disposable cameras contain fairly hefty capacitors in order to activate the flash - a jolt from one of those babies wouldn't necessary stun you into unconsciousness, but it would certainly sting like a bee. A very large bee wearing chainmail.

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

That's freakin' brilliant. I love this blog.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

The same thing happens to me in the winter.

matt,

Last I heard, you ran.

saurabh,

Your understanding of how these things work is both impressive and scary.

nwjr,

I love this blog too.

 
At 12:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am I to understand that you consider yourself a well accesorized woman but not a sensible driver? You mail opening patterns are interesting to say the least.

If the name "jali" appears on the "want to Tase"list, please delete immediately - there has been a programmibng error.

 
At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My father, who is a tad bit protective, told me how to kill a person with your pepper spray.

1. Spray 'em in the eyes.
2. While they are screaming, kick 'em in the balls. (yes, all intruders have balls)
3. While they are screaming and now hopefully crying in a fetal, observe their last moments alive.
4. Laugh evilly.
5. Reach down and spray the rest of the can up their nostrils.

Apparently, the pepper spray will cause all the membranes in their nose and throat to swell and they will suffocate. Ain't that great?!

Well it's better than getting a dog, I swear.

Do not mess with my dad.

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I have a recipe that calls for pepper spray.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Uh, he (and his four friends) had a gun.... ha.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jali,

Will double check list.

lee,

I want your dad on my team.

lbb,

That is so Martha Stewart of you.

matt,

Sure they did.

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

That is a pretty cool invention. I take three as long as you don't ask what I need three for.

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

What do you need three for?

That's like telling me "don't look behind you but..."

You know I'm gonna ask.

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

If your still interested in employment, I know a few people I would like to have pepper sprayed AND tasered.

I don't think you have many problems with people do ya?

 
At 6:29 PM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

Neither, as I don't have a conceal and carry yet. However, when I get it, it'll fit into my bag easily. I, however, would have to choose to holster it! :)

Kristyn

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

I am a people person. Can't you tell?

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

I hope holsters come in a variety of colors and materials. Black, leather, microfiber, faux suede...

 
At 11:24 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Very nice, dear. Play with it outside and make sure you share it with the other children.

 
At 3:58 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I forward any mail I get marked "To the Owner of the House" to my mortgage bank. Do you think they mark up my rate a smidge for the annoyance factor?

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Awwwww. You're not the boss of me.

icl,

Perhaps, but it's worth it.

 
At 5:27 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Rather than you "shooting" your subjects in black and white, you'd prefer black and blue?

Goddamn, you could have a whole new Crocadile Dundee Arnold Swarzchnegger catch line.

"Say cheese... motherfucker."

I can't wait to see what develops.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Clever. You are having a lot of fun with this one. Please try to use "negative," "dark room," and "flash."

I hope I can remember to use that line when the time comes.

 
At 7:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Well, you fried the chocolates, but, not to worry, I brought eggs an we'll make a souffle.

 
At 8:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

For clarification, by "we'll make a souffle," I'm sure that you mean "sit there and look pretty." Right?

 
At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You are so close. I mean, take off your shoes, sit down, pour a couple of glasees of a nice red, cut some soft cheese like brie and put it on a cracker so you have something to munch while you keep me company in the kitchen. It will take about 55 minutes to put the souffle on the table. I hope that's clear. I don't know how a beautifull woman sits and looks pretty. That'll be your problem to struggle with.

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Sometimes, it is so hard to sit there and look pretty. I mean, should I wear waterproof mascara or will regular be sufficient? Is the feather boa saying too much? Does this Victoria's Secret body lotion smell like a cheap whore?

Gawd. The things I trouble my pretty little head with.

 
At 4:35 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Yep - Fear Factory "Shock"

Welcome to my world
Headfirst to the earth
With my sights on the goddamned kill switch Ive become a fuse
Charged with attitude
Fixed and dialated by my anger

I have become a direct
I have become a current
I have become a direct
I have become insurgent
I will be the power surge
Shock to the system
Electrified, amplified
Shock to the system

Alternate my wires
Heat my core desire
I will not stand for condemnation
Ive become the volts
To lead the revolt
Fuck with me ensues certain danger

I have become a direct
I have become a current
I have become a direct
I have become insurgent
I will be the power surge
Shock to the system
Electrified, amplified
Shock to the system

I am the power surge
I am the insurgent
Electrified, amplified
Electrified, amplified

Shock!

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

spoon,

No one has ever left a comment so cool.

 
At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
you're perfect, come as you are, phermones are always in fashion

spoon
that's amazing

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Thanks for noticing.

 
At 6:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Perhaps you could sing "Ode to Joy" while i cook?

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Who the hell is Joy?

 
At 11:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
He is Aldolphus G Joy, the guy who discover the clitoris. We honor his memory for discovering the fact that it could be successfully stimulated by the tongue, and how he categorized the different tongue strokes that could be applied, including but not to exclude, the long under the clit tongue tip crawl, preferably used immediately after the first orgasm, causing the second, often known as the 'rolling' orgasm.

To further honor this great scientist, beethoven, even though deaf at the time, wrote a section of his 9th Symphony honoring Dr. Joy, and he called it "Ode ot Joy".

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Now you want me to believe that a man discovered the clit. C'mon. I know lots of men who have never even heard of one.

 
At 8:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
They have never heard of Betthoven either. But who else besides a guy with a tongue and a prayer would go looking?

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Butthoven was a great XXX film. Freaky.

 
At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Naturally, The Butt is the backup to the whole shooting match. The g spot is connected to the clitoris. The knee bone is connected to the theigh bone. the tongue is a seek and carress device. Simple really. Butthoven simply filmed it and put it to music. The rest is Academy history.

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I slept through anatomy. Looks like I missed out.

 
At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
That's why you have me, I'm your emergency butt man here. You're completely backed up!

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I feel like I have a dedicated team. I now have a:

1. Tax man
2. Gay boyfriend
3. Alter ego
4. Inner child
5. Emergency butt man

 
At 5:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You can now unfasten your seat belt and wander around the cabin. You are secure.

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Can I get another hit off that oxygen mask thing? I like the way it makes me feel.

Also, can I have two of those little bottles of Sutter Home?

 
At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I just knew that you'd love your nitrous straight. and that's not Sutters Home dear, that's strawberry hair wash. Have some more nitrous.

 
At 2:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

That explains why I'm foaming at the mouth. Guess I dn't need those shots afterall.

 
At 3:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Buttman here, we have some nice mouthwash and a games section in the lounge area for thise who are interested.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

buttman,

Thank goodness. I drank the last of my mouthwash last night.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Ted said...

You have the finest blog I have ever read, and I have read over 4 blogs.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Ted said...

You have the finest blog I have ever read, and I have read over 4 blogs.

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

ted,

That is a complement that I will remember for as long as I can.

Thanks for coming by.

 

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Name: Mist1
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