Geri(atric) & Me
My friends pity me. I'm okay with that. But it's for the wrong reasons.I will never be ambushed for a "dinner party" again. I agreed dinner, but I didn't agree to the 97 year old man that was to be my date for the evening.
Introductions were made. I graciously shook hands with couple after couple. Sitting alone on the couch was an oversized plush toy that looked a bit like those creepy dried apple head dolls. I jumped when it moved. He thrust his hand into mine, closed his wrinkly lids and kissed my hand. I tried not to recoil. "Mist, this is L. I am sure you two will have lots to talk about." Much winking ensued.
Over dinner, we talked about where I grew up, where I went to college, what it was like when television was colorized, and the outrageous cost of Coca-Cola (apparently, it used to be $0.05). I tried to relate to him and told him that as an adolescent I had a mobile phone attached to a large black box. He nodded and closed his eyes, lost in memory.
Dinner was excellent. Pureed, but tasty. He excused himself four times to use the restroom. During his absences, I glared across the table at my smug, coupled friends.
After dinner, we retired (he re-retired) to the livingroom for conversation and after-dinner drinks. I made an excuse about my medication wearing off and said that I had to go before things got ugly. He offered to walk me to my car. I protested, but in the end, he accompanied me down the driveway. I loosely held his elbow to keep him from falling and breaking a hip.
He leaned in for a kiss. I breathed in the smell of Bengay and enjoyed the menthol vapors clearing my sinuses. His breath reminded me of the little cups of Effordent that I used to soak my retainer in. I coyly turned my head and let him kiss my (bright orange) hair.
As I turned to get into my car, I stumbled in my heels and reached out to him to steady myself. Flailing, I grasped him by the waist. Something crinkled. A soft, plastic rustling sound.
"Will I see you again?" he asked.
"Depends!" I said with my hand still on his raisiny a$$.
He smiled and blew me a kiss goodnight.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:09 AM
48 Comments:
Maybe you can ask if he's got an eligible grandson???
c,
Nah, I'll just wait for him to die and meet the grandson at the funeral when he's weak from grief and needs a shoulder to cry on.
LOL! I hate my smug married friends...apparently if they have 3 legs and are single that makes them eligible!!!!
I so feel your pain! Once when I was getting over a break-up, my best friend offered to set me up with this woman who he claimed was “uber easy” and “the best lay he ever had!” I’m now ashamed to admit that I actually agreed to meet this woman. She turned out to be so old that I think her blood type has been discontinued. (But my friend was totally right about her though; she knew how to…um, do stuff.)
Oh how dreadful! I hope you made that up...and if you didn't, I hope you shaved all your coupled "friends" eyebrows off while they slept!
Oh dear, a friend did that to you? Who cares how good the dinner was get your mate some glasses and an ugly object like a cermaci cat you insist they display in a place of prominece as punishment.
If he's rich though... you could wind up fighting the family for a huge inheritance and never have to work again. Just a thought.
Mist, I owe you a huge debt of gratitude for this. Thank you. I thought my love life sucked but no one has tried to set me up with a pensioner with a colostomy bag (yet). Although, gerontophiles find that sort of thing a turn on... Eeuw!
Seriously, mate, you need to review your 'friends'.
spoon,
Have the three legged guy call me.
nubian,
No teeth, huh?
lee,
The next time I get invited over for a sleep over, I'll be sure to do that.
shadow,
I am intimidated by the way in which your brain works. Why didn't I think of that?
wg,
I can't go through that again.
puss,
Many, many people feel indebted to me. I offer my experiences and insight for free.
I am left speechless.
That is fucking hysterical. I think he was railing it personally. I mean, let's put it together -- he got up to go to the bathroom several times...why praytel -- he did have depends on! Then he was all chatty, hmmmm...
Morning!!!
Wow, for someone who was setup on the sly you certenly handled yourself well.
Hey! Maybe Grandma would be interested...I mean...doesn't she need someone to talk about the gays with??
rofl!
I loved this! You kill me. And you know you aren't going to heaven, right?
Mist, if you take a job doing anything but writing you're nuts.
got it?
recap:
-going to hell
-most likely nuts
What a painful experience! Your friends are so cruel. It's like stabbing your back. OMG, I can't even imagine how you managed to pass your evening with that old guy. Well...I wish you all the luck. I really do.
Depends! Hahahaha!
Actaully, the whole thing made me laugh.
Awww....how cute!!!! You sent him home with a smile on his face!!!
What? Diapers are a turn-off?
"Depends!"
That joke was not lost on me. Very nice.
I know the feeling. A couple of years ago, I got dumped by this woman who was always "stopping traffic." Now, as soon as you get dumped by someone then even the most hideous-looking creatures look down upon you and you want to show them photographic proof that you can do much, much better.
My mistake is that I started going out to bars w/ a "wingman" who looked kind of like the drunken brother from the beginning of The Wedding Singer? Does that ring a bell?
I love how other people are going to tell you that looks don't matter. They aren't the ones dealing w/ the Ben Gay.
My friends pity me too although usually for different reasons. I told my pal a story this weekend and he just looked at me and said, "See, it's stuff like this that just makes me want to give you a hug." Was the guy rich? If so pull an Anna Nicole.
Depends...
You are HILARIOUS!
anastasia,
Diamonds in hips is a turn on for sure.
av,
I am not f*cking Hilarious. He never called me back.
lori,
Speechless is better than toothless. He was toothless.
nerd,
I am allergic to bananas. They would put both my feet in the grave.
maiden,
I wanted to ask what he was doing in the bathroom. It never took very long. Maybe he wore the kind of diapers that change colors when they're wet and he just had to check.
orhan,
I am pleased with my performance. I am generally pretty socially awkward.
cheeky,
Grandpa is rolling in his grave. Well, he would be if we hadn't had him stuffed and set on the mantle.
kare,
Definately nuts. I hope Rooms To Go has next day delivery in Hell.
body,
We don't need luck. He needs a pacemaker.
alison,
Glad you can laugh. I was moved to tears.
odat,
I don't think he was smiling. I think it was just gas.
britt,
Diapers are a turn off. Unless they are the pull up kind.
matt,
I think I might have hit on you in a bar once. Your description sounds familiar.
karma,
He used to be a pharmacist. I don't think he's rich and he doesn't have access to drugs any more. Two strikes. Diapers = Strike three.
jali,
I do what I can.
LOLOL I love that you can always always make me laugh! This was brilliant :)
Holy Moley.
That is all.
My goodness, Mist. You have the best luck with men!
Kristyn
echo,
Brilliant? All those extra years of college paid off.
just,
That's what I thought when I saw him. Only, I didn't think "moley."
kristyn,
I am lucky. Thus far, no axe murderers.
I nearly drenched my Serenity pad laughing. It's a good thing I have been doing kegal exercises since I had my son. I only released a drop. Squeeze hold release. Hmmmm. Sounds to much like a hand job.
c,
Serenity now! Serenity now!
You should have dated him and scored Social Security benefits why you can... Lord knows by the time you and I retire, SS will no longer exist.
dallas,
I can't retire from nothing. My plan is to sell as many organs as I can while still maintaining life.
I have three legs and I'm married
0,
Let me know when you grow another tongue.
I'm sorry, that was crude. But seriously. Holla.
This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.
I would've put out, probably.
matt,
Am kicking myself for cutting the night short.
I carry the spare tongue at all times. It attaches to the universal joint.
I thought they all had 3 legs...you know the 2 you walk on and the spare for recreational activities!
0,
The U Joint is a local bar where I live. I have never seen where the tongue attaches.
spoon,
Which power plant do you live next to?
1
I have got a real treat waiting for you. Why not meet at My Sister's Place first, then we'll slide over to the U Joint and I'll show you how we can attach the spare tongue. Do you have a complete set of metric tools available?
P.S. Bring spoon along, she can referee
0,
What's "metric"?
1
Metric is when I perform oral sex on you whilest speaking either German or French. You can determine the language since red velvet cupcakes are available for munching while French is being used. Voila.
0,
You are a worldly man. What the hell does red velvet cake taste like anyway?hy
1
very smooth and rich, with red die #2. As to why, the same reason one has potatoes with meat. Or chocolate sauce on ice cream. With the French, think bernaise sauce on a filet with amushroom cap on toast. See, now I am drooling on myself. I adore red velvet cupcakes. I could eat them every day.
0,
Sometimes I drool on myself too. It's okay.
1
Magnanymous (sp.?) that's the only way to describe you. Kindness flowing from every pore. Your wonderfullness!
0,
I am totally a people person.
1
My heroine!
0,
I've never tried the sh*t. I have tried methadone.
1
note bene, I speeled it wif an 'e', you know, leaps tall phone books in a single bound, faster than a speeding tricycle. Heroine! Sounds like Caroline.
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