Stocking Up
"Always Be Prepared." I remember hearing this phrase a lot when I was dating that Boy Scout troop.
I feel prepared. I'm just not sure what I am prepared for. My desk is covered in feathers and bug wings. I have a charcoal pencil in my car. My only cookbook is titled "Smoothies." My purse-of-the-moment holds a pair of goggles. I know the Apocalypse is nigh, but I hope it doesn't come until I am ready for it.
Yesterday, C asked me, "Why don't we hibernate?" I reminded him of my fear of commitment and told him that if I were to hibernate, it would have to be alone. He gave that look which I think means that I am either a.) a creature of great mystery, or b.) about to be strangled. He revised his question, "People. Why don't people hibernate?"
Maybe people should hibernate. This winter, I am going to try. I am not going to get fat this fall. Nor am I going to cancel my upcoming waxing appointment. I am already practicing napping during the day. Obviously, this is hard-wired into my DNA. I am a natural.
I made some progress today on my hibernation preparation. First, I fed the ducks. Next, I got a pedicure. Then, I went to Sam's Club for some wholesale shopping. Wholesale shopping makes me feel like I am starting a new cult.
I now have no place to store the following items (purchased in bulk):
- Paper towels. The pick-a-size variety due to my control issues and also because they do not come in bathsheet size. Will not be doing laundry during hibernation but may want a bubble bath.
- Smoked salmon. Bears like salmon. Bears hibernate. Simple logic.
- Toothpaste. I know what my breath is like in the morning. I can only imagine what it will be like after a long winter in hibernation.
- Wine. In case I get thirsty. Forgot to purchase libations for pre-hibernation kickoff and post-hibernation celebrations.
- Dishwasher detergent. As I don't actually do dishes, I have no explanation for this one other than it goes with the Jet-Dry which I also purchased.
The other necessities (apple sauce, Texas Pete hot sauce) purchased today are neatly crammed into the 1/2 bath, which I now refer to as "The Pantry." The AA batteries (120-pack), I will just keep in my bedroom. They are for my flashlight. In case I wake up. Of course.
I still have to pick up some sleeping pills if I want Quality Rest for the next few months. It turns out that Sam's doesn't carry those in bulk. The sales associate gave me a look of genuine concern when I asked which aisle they were in.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:37 AM
46 Comments:
I know you meant to include that all-important goose liver pate. You can't be away from something goose for six months. Ain't happenin. Nope.
lbb,
You have to admit that when I apply myself, I just make good sense.
0,
I am a little afraid of geese. I am also a little afraid of pate purchased in bulk. Will have to purchase bulk Tums. Damn. Must plan second trip to Sam's.
Hibernation sounds good to me. I'm going to bed now wake me in march...
I'm all for hibernating in the winter....and not for putting on the pounds that goes with all that...that's why I go out and shovel the snow away every now and then. I can see buying the hot sauce and the batteries ;-), but, tell me something, where does the apple sauce fit in???????
Peace
You should move to Alaska to assist in the hibernation attempt. It's EASY up there. In Fairbanks it's dark 20 hours a day, dawn for 4 hours, then dark again. And it's cold. And there's a Sam's Club. Throw that all together and there's no great reason to leave your house for about 4-5 months. It worked for me!
While at Sam's do not forget to purchase nuts and leaves - essential items for all hibernating mammals. You may also wish to consider a fur coat. If the thought of Geri buying it for you is too creepy, you could always try a thrift store - but get it cleaned first. I know someone who caught scabies from a fur stole she bought at Oxfam...
Very unpleasant.
GP
For the flashlight, of course..
That explains it...my body is storing fat in anticipation of hibernation.
I'm good for a while. Now where can I get some sleep?
Sunday morning a large troop of boyscouts bombarded the gas station and my coworker girl goes, "I wonder where they're going."
I burst out, "My house."
I mean, mostly they were about 8 years old, but there were a couple of 13 or 14 yearers in there. Trainable.
I must say, I don't know what I did before I came across your blog.....I'm sitting in my office grinning like a moron.....You're absolutely hilarious - and my new favourite daily read.
shadowm
I set a reminder on my phone. I just hope I remember to plug it in.
odat,
It was just such a good deal. I was out of control.
wg,
But isn't Alaska cold? Also, with all that darkness, I might really need my flashlight. No, won't be moving to Alaska.
puss,
Who gets scabies? Good G*d. That's like getting shingles. No one gets these things any more, do they?
orhan,
I might want to read in bed. Under my covers. Of course.
nwjr,
You can hang out here for a few months. I hope you like Cheez-Its. I have a case of them.
cinders,
Sweet. Would have paid real money to see the look on her face.
nattie,
You probably used to work. It's okay, just look busy.
Thanks.
Wine+Bounty+Paper plates. Look out. Get Cheese n'Crackers and I'm coming with you.
maiden,
It just so happens that I did purchase cheese and crackers. I am prepared for once!
Hibernation? I would be happy with a solid nights sleep...hehe
OH I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some Texas Pete...I am about to open my last bottle - but I did discover I can order it from their website!
I believe the stole was what is politely termed 'vintage', i.e. old and from an era where scabies thrived. She traded on the trackmarks for months pretending it was hardcore heroin chic...
GP
Texas Pete hotsauce, and salmon....
You are gonna be using those paper towels to clean up your puke. ;)
Steve~
cheeky,
When I saw the three pack of giant bottles, I thought of you and put them in the oversized cart.
puss,
Damn. Now I want scabies. I love that look.
drib,
OMG I have nothing to wear. I have to shop for a hibernation outfit.
steven,
I bought a case of puke wipes for that.
i think you should also get a colostomy bag in order to waylay that pesky "potty" issue.
this, of course, leads me into an unexpected research topic. do bears potty in their pants all winter? or do they have magical bladders?
can i link you? u r funny.
oh, I would LOVE to hibernate for the winter! I hate winter! plus I wouldn't have to shave my legs for 6 months! actually by that time I would seriously LOOK like a bear.
I hibernate during the summer. When it's to hot to do anything.
"I remember hearing this phrase a lot when I was dating that Boy Scout troop."
For some reason, your slutty tendencies no longer shock me.
They do, however, still make me laugh. :-)
Yes, hibernating in the winter is what northern hemisphere couples do.... People "winter" with each other, they settle in for the long haul.
There's a great line from Ethan Frome (my dad was actually in the film adaptation and had a scene w/ Liam Neeson) where a woman explains that she and protagonist stayed together because it was fall. Otherwise....
My purse-of-the-moment holds a pair of goggles.
You sound like McGuiver. But for some reason, I've been keeping a pair of needle-nosed pliers in my briefcase. Don't know why. Probably for the same reason I've got a hammer in my glove compartment.
By the way, if you don't cook much, your kitchen stove makes a great document-storage system.
I too am excited for winter hibernation, though we don't get much snow here. I've got my new couch coming this weekend and I'll probably upgrade my Netflix subscription to three-at-a-time.
matt,
I was born in August. I guess my parents must have hibernated.
Cook? Will have to search Wikipedia for that term.
Enjoy the couch and movies.
Laughing at your simple logic, and very considerate of you to think of others and get a large supply of toothpaste. Good luck with the hibernation.
: )
awesome idea
mr. shife,
I am considerate like that. Very few people know that about me. Thanks for noticing.
kare,
I thought so too.
Sounds wonderful! I must be too burnt out. Kinda like when you see a TV show and someone is in the hospital with their leg in a sling and your secretly envious.
I could do the hibernation thing easily.
Give me Vodka, chocolate and batteries for my vibrator, and I'd be in heaven.
icl,
You crack me up. Tomorrow, I am going to wrap an ace bandage around my elbow just to get some sympathy.
steph,
120-pack of batteries at Sam's Club. Cheap.
1
I field tested your idea today. I went to sleep on the couch. Sorry, I haven't done a damn thing for the last 14 hours. I liked it. But you do wake up hungery, and you don't want to cook. Have chocolate vars ready. And wine. And cans of pate. And crackers. Did I mention cookies. And maybe a steak, about 12 oz. with maybe a baked potato, a nice salad, a little soup maybe, you know, a snack
Good thinking on the pedicure...you don't want to wake up with your toenails curled under like cheesypoofs. I bet bears do that too...
0,
I am coming over. I am sold. Please restock the fridge before my arrival. I get cranky if I get hungry.
spoon,
I see you understand my way of thinking. It's really very validating.
nerd,
I have to wait 20 years before things start looking up? I'm just gonna be frozen then. Thaw me out when we've got world peace and personal space crafts.
0,
Have you thought about running a B & B?
anastasia,
Gotta go back to Sam's for more sangria.
1
I do run an exclusive bed and breakfast. We also serve lunch, dinner and snacks for an extremely limited and elite clientel. This is a very exclusive location, very private. Weapons aren't needed as we're protected by a very shrews attack cat. Would you care to apply for our private credit card, suitable for hiberbation planning?
0,
Do I have to sit through a four hour presentation about how I can be a part of this timeshare? I've been burned before.
1
Puuuuuuuhlease, thuis aun't no steenkin' time share. What time share has leg warmers?
0,
The "Fame!" time share.
1
But NOT The 1 B & B. We have some modicum of standards you know. No Boone's Farm wine, we do carry Ripple for the discerning diner though! Through the Shiraz's to the Dom Perignon's. And that's just for breakfast. It gets better as the day progresses.
0,
Saturday, a man in the grocery store informed me that the best wines come from New York. He produced a bottle of Kiwi Strawberry Boone's Farm.
I smiled politely and said, "Damn, they're out of peach."
1
See, you ARE a gourmet! I'll bet you could write a wine blog too!
0,
That would involve lots of research. Perfect.
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