"Always Be Prepared." I remember hearing this phrase a lot when I was dating that Boy Scout troop.
I feel prepared. I'm just not sure what I am prepared for. My desk is covered in feathers and bug wings. I have a charcoal pencil in my car. My only cookbook is titled "Smoothies." My purse-of-the-moment holds a pair of goggles. I know the Apocalypse is nigh, but I hope it doesn't come until I am ready for it.
Yesterday, C asked me, "Why don't we hibernate?" I reminded him of my fear of commitment and told him that if I were to hibernate, it would have to be alone. He gave that look which I think means that I am either a.) a creature of great mystery, or b.) about to be strangled. He revised his question, "People. Why don't people hibernate?"
Maybe people should hibernate. This winter, I am going to try. I am not going to get fat this fall. Nor am I going to cancel my upcoming waxing appointment. I am already practicing napping during the day. Obviously, this is hard-wired into my DNA. I am a natural.
I made some progress today on my hibernation preparation. First, I fed the ducks. Next, I got a pedicure. Then, I went to Sam's Club for some wholesale shopping. Wholesale shopping makes me feel like I am starting a new cult.
I now have no place to store the following items (purchased in bulk):
- Paper towels. The pick-a-size variety due to my control issues and also because they do not come in bathsheet size. Will not be doing laundry during hibernation but may want a bubble bath.
- Smoked salmon. Bears like salmon. Bears hibernate. Simple logic.
- Toothpaste. I know what my breath is like in the morning. I can only imagine what it will be like after a long winter in hibernation.
- Wine. In case I get thirsty. Forgot to purchase libations for pre-hibernation kickoff and post-hibernation celebrations.
- Dishwasher detergent. As I don't actually do dishes, I have no explanation for this one other than it goes with the Jet-Dry which I also purchased.
The other necessities (apple sauce, Texas Pete hot sauce) purchased today are neatly crammed into the 1/2 bath, which I now refer to as "The Pantry." The AA batteries (120-pack), I will just keep in my bedroom. They are for my flashlight. In case I wake up. Of course.
I still have to pick up some sleeping pills if I want Quality Rest for the next few months. It turns out that Sam's doesn't carry those in bulk. The sales associate gave me a look of genuine concern when I asked which aisle they were in.