I am a food snob. I like to buy exotic produce at the Farmer's Market. If it is strange and I don't know how to eat it, it excites me.
Last night, G and I went to dinner. G is worse than I am. The eyelids flutter (am moderately jealous of G's incredibly long lashes), deep gutteral moaning, groaning, pounding of the table with fists...it's a spectacle. People at tables near us always ask to be reseated.
I scanned the menu. First, for wine. Then, I ordered the seasonal cheese plate from the local dairy.
I thought the cheese plate was divine. G doesn't like chevre that tastes like dirt. I made a show of relishing it. I also made a show of scooping up a spoonful of potting soil from the plant next to our table and savoring it. It helped to get the dirty cheese flavor out of my mouth.
I ordered the skate. I thought of Steve Irwin, but only briefly. G ordered a giant mushroom with tomato essence. Seriously. We are drinking a (ridiculously expensive) bottle of wine and G orders something that grows in sh*t. The last time I ate a mushroom that size, I saw G*d. Changed my life. No joke.
Although there were only eight people in the restaurant (including staff), our food took ages. The wine was disappearing. I made eye contact with Chris (who had informed us earlier that he would be our server for the evening). He must not have seen me. I waved my arms in the air and called out his name. He folded napkins into swans. I knocked over my glass of water. As he swept up the glass, I sweetly asked for another bottle of wine and to see the menu again.
I vetoed the shrimp lollipops. I could not stand to see G make sweet passionate love to a shrimp on a stick in public. "I'll order," I said confidently.
Chris returned with a second bottle of wine and asked if we had made a decision. "We have," I said as I handed him the menu. "We would like the Dick Lover Mousse." G's eyeballs bulged (damn those eyelashes). I shot a chilly look back.
Chris (looking rather flushed) said, "I'm sure you'll enjoy the Duck Liver Mousse."
Note: I still deny that I actually said this, but G insists.