To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, October 05, 2006

Chef's Specials


I am a food snob. I like to buy exotic produce at the Farmer's Market. If it is strange and I don't know how to eat it, it excites me.

Last night, G and I went to dinner. G is worse than I am. The eyelids flutter (am moderately jealous of G's incredibly long lashes), deep gutteral moaning, groaning, pounding of the table with fists...it's a spectacle. People at tables near us always ask to be reseated.

I scanned the menu. First, for wine. Then, I ordered the seasonal cheese plate from the local dairy.

I thought the cheese plate was divine. G doesn't like chevre that tastes like dirt. I made a show of relishing it. I also made a show of scooping up a spoonful of potting soil from the plant next to our table and savoring it. It helped to get the dirty cheese flavor out of my mouth.

I ordered the skate. I thought of Steve Irwin, but only briefly. G ordered a giant mushroom with tomato essence. Seriously. We are drinking a (ridiculously expensive) bottle of wine and G orders something that grows in sh*t. The last time I ate a mushroom that size, I saw G*d. Changed my life. No joke.

Although there were only eight people in the restaurant (including staff), our food took ages. The wine was disappearing. I made eye contact with Chris (who had informed us earlier that he would be our server for the evening). He must not have seen me. I waved my arms in the air and called out his name. He folded napkins into swans. I knocked over my glass of water. As he swept up the glass, I sweetly asked for another bottle of wine and to see the menu again.

I vetoed the shrimp lollipops. I could not stand to see G make sweet passionate love to a shrimp on a stick in public. "I'll order," I said confidently.

Chris returned with a second bottle of wine and asked if we had made a decision. "We have," I said as I handed him the menu. "We would like the Dick Lover Mousse." G's eyeballs bulged (damn those eyelashes). I shot a chilly look back.

Chris (looking rather flushed) said, "I'm sure you'll enjoy the Duck Liver Mousse."

Mist 1

Note: I still deny that I actually said this, but G insists.


52 Comments:

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Matt said...

I knew a 300-pound fat guy who'd just pretend to faint in the restaurant and take a plate down w/ him. He said he'd get his check IMMEDIATELY with no problem!

Mist1, are you the one who delinked me? Don't be surprised if my blog suddenly doesn't get updated and I drop off the face of the Earth!

Just kidding.... There's some good writing up in here and you're always motivation to write every day. I'm the laziest writer ever and I have had jobs doing just that for ten years and two degrees now.

I wish they had this shit when we were coming up.... Damn kids.

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

You don't really have to say 300lb fat guy. I sort of assumed he's fat!

I've done no delinking. I do need to update my links. That's weekend stuff.

Thanks for the compliment. Many people find me motivational. Although, most of them mean motivation to jump off the roof.

 
At 9:26 PM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

What kind of restaurants do you have over there? I've never heard of any of that! ;) Oh, except the wine, I love wine.

Kristyn

 
At 9:44 PM, Blogger C said...

You are a riot. hee hee

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

You should have corrected him. No, not duck liver, thats disgusting. I said dick lover, get it right. What kind of two bit operation is this? HA HA!

 
At 10:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weren't you in that play "Thoroughly Modern Mist", the update was your autobiography wasn't it. Audrey Hepburn wants to play you, and so does Julia Roberts, and Olivia Newton John, and maybe Tom Cruise.

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

And what did you say, as nearly as G can remember, after the second bottle?

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LOL Mist your table manners are almost as good as mine. Ages ago when I took my first wife out for a fancy dinner. She wasn't my wife at the time. It really was my first time in a place like that. It cost me 20 bucks to look at the menu. Well anyway I thought I would show off how cultured I was, and ordered a good wine. It only cost about half a weeks pay. The Sommelier opened the wine and offered me the cork to sniff. Of course being the idiot I was back in the day, I told him he could keep it. When he poured a little out for me to taste, I told him I would take his word on it. My future wife was turning 10 shades of red for some reason. Now I'm on my second wife, and a little smarter. ;)

 
At 1:08 AM, Blogger photo blog girl said...

OMG, all I can say is: hilarious. I almost would accuse you of making it up, but it's too perfect not to be real...

 
At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yuck liver! your far more adventous then me.

p.s you been tagged

 
At 3:33 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

That is one fine spoonerism, girlfriend. You should be very proud.

I like the idea of sucking shrimp off a stick. All sounds very gratuitous. Hedonism is the way forward - all the mushrooms you can eat.

GP

 
At 4:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What restaurant in Georgia serves Dick Lover Mousse?? I am SO there!

 
At 4:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know, I am a butthole, but....
You have been TAGGED.

 
At 4:47 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Secretly thinking of dick - you should be ashamed!!!!!

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger LoRi~fLoWer said...

Easy mistake!

And the smashing the glass--brilliant move, I'm totally going to try that one.

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

I feel bad for you that you've never heard of cheese. At least you have wine.

c,

I should wear riot gear.

jessie,

If I hadn't been so humiliated, maybe I could have come up with a quick response.

Thanks for coming by.

0,

I was also in Gorillas in the Mist. It's so hard working with animals. They really steal the show.

hearts,

I carried G out after the second bottle.

nerd,

You are a classy guy. Let's do lunch.

pbg,

I should wear a MistCam whenever I leave the house.

shadow,

Nothing wrong with a little organ meat. Tee hee, I just wrote "organ."

puss,

The shrimp sounded like something that should be eaten in private.

just,

In the VA Highlands. Not saying any names until they pay me to advertise for them.

melon,

Twice in a day, huh? Y'all are lucky that I have oodles of time on my hands.

spoon,

Sadly it was no secret.

 
At 5:24 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

Dick lover mousse. One of my favorite dishes. I'm jealous.

 
At 5:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lori,

Breaking glass is hard to ignore.

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

It goes well with wine.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

Sounds like the place CL and I went to Saturday night. I think we saw God there.

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Dick lovers of the world unite!
Mist, we must share a bottle of vino.

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

A flare gun is useful in a pinch.

 
At 7:33 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Oh My god. I am laughing my ass off here - coughing and wheezing (smoker's laugh) and possibly pissing my chair.

All in Open Space Hell.

Thanks for that. I think I heard my boss say something about moving me back into an office after he heard me squeal "Dick Lover's Moose!"

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

What did G*d order?

maiden,

Your place or mine? I can't go out in public again for awhile.

av,

Subtle.

britt,

I hope I can help you get out of that situation. Can I count that as volunteer service?

 
At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think I'd rather thave the dick lover rather than the duck liver... blech!

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1, I think I was drinking and blogging again. Mi scusi!

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Oh my. You come by way of the fugitive variety, don't you? I'm starting to piece it together Mist. The hibernation, the hair dyeing. Cripes.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mmmm, now I want to try it even more...

GP

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

What do you have against ducks?

matt,

We have so much in common.

maiden,

Please use code. It looks like snow in Tampa. Big Bird will meet you on the beach.

puss,

Perhaps the next class you teach can be "How To Eat Shrimp Lollipops" for beginners, of course.

 
At 8:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shaddddddduuuuppppppp...you know you said it....and you meant it. ;)

Steve~

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

Maybe I did.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

OMIGOD. I'm in love with you. Yeah -- that's code. Meep Meep.

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

Also, the one armed man did it.

 
At 9:04 AM, Anonymous the laughorist said...

Whew. You're fast. Jumped right on Jokerman. You have a great blog (such a gross word). One letter makes all the diff. Exotic food vs. erotic. Pricky, pricky.

 
At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dick Lovers Mousse..teehee... you just made me giggle out loud.

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger PhoenixHearse said...

Ok, love coming to your blog, love reading...but I feel like I'm the only one not in on the joke.

Are all your stories true? Cause if so, you have one helluva entertaining life!

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

laughorist,

One letter does make a difference. Blog -- Clog. I don't think clogs are gross at all.

dallas,

Oh, so hungry.

phoenix,

Please refer to K. Vonnegut quote at the bottom of my blog.

Everyone is always in on the joke. Everyone gets a response if you leave a comment, even if it's to say "Huh?"

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Napkins into swans...I hate when they try to be fancy with their napkins...Tell Chris I hate him for his swan folding abilities!

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger cinders said...

Just a little syntax error. My Commodore 64 is always spitting that out at me: SYNTAX ERROR, SYNTAX ERROR.

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

You mean that origami class I took in 8th grade was a waste of my time?

cinders,

You must be as tech-savvy as I am. My dvd player flashes 12:00 12:00 12:00.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

That's not a bad idea, Mist - could we do it up a pole? Then it would be exotic and erotic - bonus!

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I'm not supposed to play with my food.

 
At 4:59 PM, Anonymous hodgepodger said...

funny! I love exotic food as well. the first time i tried sushi was many years ago when I lived in Atlanta. My life was never the same. Sushi is now a staple.

 
At 5:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hodge,

I adore sushi. But, I like most meat raw. Very few people like to eat with me.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

Bahahhaa.....must...ahhahaha.....wipe.....tears.....hahhaha...from.....eyes....

*happy sigh*

you should write a book :)

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

But then when would I find the time to blog?

 
At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who says one can't love duck liver while loving a dick. Why must one choose? (walking quickly, wringing hands)Why,oh why, oh why?

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

This is no lie....with no drinks in us...me and hubby took the kids to eat, after checking the menu out, the waitress says to my husband "Are we ready to order?" Hubby says, "Yes, I'm horny as a horse!!!" I'm not easily embarassed, that day I felt like crawling under the table. Just 'cause of the kids and all.

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

Horses are hot.

 
At 4:00 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Or was it Duck Liver Moose? or Duck Liver Mouse?

The Dick Lover Mousse sounds so much more appetizing. I had to reread because I thought you were already onto dessert.

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

Too humiliated to look at the dessert menu.

 
At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
In your book, you should at least order desert. I recommend the dick lover's jello with whipped cream. delicious. You can take it out on the veranda where you can feed the ducks. We have dick lover's duck food for the ducks. It's our own house brand.

 

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Name: Mist1
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