To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, October 27, 2006

Beer Pressure


I met Dirty Old PR Guy a few months ago at an event that his really, really important PR firm was hosting. I was there out of obligation (read: open bar).

PR Guy and I chatted over the shrimp dip for a while. I have this problem, everything I say is fascinating. It's a curse, not a gift. Also, my skirt was inappropriately short for the occasion and the drinks were strong.

We waxed philosophical for a bit. I told him my opinions on public stoning (I am pro-stoning) and mentioned my desire to be featured in Beaver Hunt. I could tell he was smitten immediately. I am a charming young lady.

We exchanged numbers and I did my best to remember his name.

We met for cocktails a week later. Cocktails were followed by shopping (have I mentioned that I worship shoes?). I may have stuck my tongue down his throat, but it was for a good cause (please see shoe reference above).

Over the next two months, we met for drinks, shoes, and my tongue down his throat in the parking lot a few times. Then, I grew bored of his company. I stopped answering his calls.

I ran into him at another event last night. He was with his wife. His lovely, philanthropic wife. Seriously, she does G*d's work when He is too busy. I was enraged. He needed to be Taught A Lesson. I stewed for hours.

When I got home, I called L to tell her about the evening. I have to explain that L only appears appears to be sensible. Her advice makes sense at the time, but the morning after, I have to wonder what kind of drugs we were doing and where I can get some more.

"Call him," she says. "Put him in his place."
how the conversation went, as I remember it:

Me: I'm glad you answered.

Dirty Old PR Guy: I'm glad you called.

Me: I've been thinking about you. Have you missed me?

Dirty Old PR Guy: Like crazy.

Me: I have a question and I want you to be completely honest with me.

Dirty Old PR Guy: (Pauses) Okay.

Me: Do you like vibrators?

Dirty Old PR Guy: Um, yeah.

Me: Then why don't you go buy one and f*ck yourself?!

Then I hung up.

I am seriously considering enrolling for seventh grade at the local middle school.

Asshole. Still, I am eternally grateful for the shoes.

Mist 1


99 Comments:

At 9:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awww...No more shoes then??????

 
At 12:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

Men do not stand in the way of my shoe acquisitions. I shop for them weekly.

 
At 2:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol just saw your comment about the 9 weird things....you better start searching!!!!!!! LMAOOOO

 
At 3:19 AM, Blogger singleton said...

Perfect lasting impression! Always good to have "Just do it!" for a friend... I know when I'm in that stewing state, I'm going to do it anyway, and it's always good to have someone on your side cheering you on!

 
At 3:23 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Oh, I have to remember that one! Maybe one of those pairs of shoes has an amazingly thing stileto heel that you could put right through his carotid artery. Make sure they're some kind of wipeable material though, because you don't want to lose a perfectly good shoe to blood stains.

 
At 4:31 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

All's fair in love and shoes.

What a tosser. Any man who lies about his marital status deserves a good telling off. But I am impressed that you got multiple gifts without having to shag him.

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong...

Puss

 
At 4:54 AM, Blogger vincentblackshadow said...

Can you explain the fascination of women and shoes, if men could undersand this the world would likely be a much better place!

 
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You kill me.

 
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
And I have this little closed toe number here that you can dance all night in. With this strap, you can sway left, and swing your arms right for balance, and the shoe is ergonomically designed to handle the stress of the shifting weight .....comes in eighteen colors...... size 6.5 is no problem.....been married since the dawn of recorded history

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

May have to make post about my missing comment. I gotta start restricting my wine intake while catching up with everyone's blogs.

singleton,

It's a powerful position to be in. Luckily, I advise L on her wardrobe. I will probably get even. Probably.

Thanks for stopping by.

wg,

I don't even step on bugs in my shoes. I tell people that it's very zen of me, but really, I just can't do that to my shoes.

puss,

I have this thing that I do with my tongue. It's very persuasive.

vince,

Men do not have to understand the fascination with shoes. They just have to deal with it. I don't understand a lot of things about men, but I don't go asking for clarification.

Thanks for coming by.

lee,

I am a lover, not a killer.

0,

Ergonomically designed shoes are never sexy.

 
At 5:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

greg,

Blogger will not let me post your comment. It was very witty. I prefer stoning to beheading because you can make an entire day out of it. Beheading is over with too quickly.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

This reminds me of Shopgirl except for the last part. Are you Claire Danes?

 
At 5:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Yes. And this is my So Called Blog.

 
At 5:27 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

Good on ya toots!!
If the shoes weren't so pretty, you could have shoved one up is ass :S

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

ahahahah dirty bastard - It was your intellectual conversation that pulled him in, I'm sure. Your phone call with him brought me back.....way back to my teenage years. Like you said, though, at least you got some shoes out of it.

 
At 6:20 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

That's too fucking funny!

I'm going to blatantly steal that comment and save it for later.

Because we all know that imitation is the purest form of flattery...

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

I wish that somebody else (somebody without amazing footwear) would do the job for me.

darlene,

I am like, totally known for my intellectual conversation.

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Reba said...

What a jerk. I can't believe people lie about being married.

I think I would have done something so that the wife would have found out. If I was her I would want to know if my husband was cheating.

 
At 6:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ranger,

Which line? The one about wanting to be in Beaver Hunt?

reba,

I'm sure she would have appreciated me telling her, "I think I may have stuck my tongue down your husband's throat. By the way, do you like my shoes?"

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Beaver Hunt, ha ha ha. Seriously, you should have bought a strap on, used it and then said all of that. Have a great weekend.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Shoes are a wonderful thing...and if you get the stoning made legal, give me a call - I'll nominate stonees.

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

I was too busy trying on shoes to think about trying on a strap on.

tug,

Where I live, you can't legally get stoned.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

I know I'd be the coolest, meanest, b1tch in the 7th grade if they'd just let me back in!

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Sounds amusing - can you teach me? I'm willing to trade for pole secrets (make of that what you will, I have a lot of secrets).

Puss

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Sounds amusing. Can you teach me? I could trade for pole secrets (make of that what you will, I have a lot of secrets).

Puss

 
At 7:51 AM, Anonymous monkeylover said...

Now see, why didn't I use that line on my stupid married guy? If only I was that quick!

 
At 7:57 AM, Anonymous The Mindless Dribbler said...

See? Women are vindictive. I say take the shoes and just forget about him Mist.

 
At 8:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooooohhhhhhh snap!!! You burned him!! ;)

Steve~

 
At 8:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You go girl!!!!

 
At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist, you are a genius. Next guy better buy me some fabulous shoes. Why didn't I figure this out before??

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

You should have sent him a letter bomb ala Ted Kaczynski. People that have no honour disgust me.

 
At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Well... that ALMOST counts as Mist Porn. Almost.

BTW - is that a picture of the iVibrate? Could you post a link on where to buy one. I've been looking for new accessories for this thing.

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Okay, Mist1. Question for you: what exactly were YOU planning to do with old dirty PR guy? Marry him? Sounds like you're only mad b/c someone got the best of you... You only found out about the wife AFTER you decided you were bored w/ him....

You met your male equivalent.

Btw, I just saw Sliding Glass Doors w/ Gyneth Paltrow last night. I wish I had enough going on right now to be cheating on my "wife." Damn. Lucky bastard.

Cocky bastard, that's for sure. Who would have thought that someone in that business would be so cocksure?

 
At 9:36 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Beaver Hunt, eh?

That reminds me. This year when my 60 year-old mother asks me what I want for Christmas this year, i'll be ready.

For starters, I want one of those orange trucker hats that say, "MILF Hunter." A "Tail Ends" catalog would be nice too.

 
At 9:53 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Let's take this one step further down the 7th grade hallway, shall we? Send him a vibrator with a note saying he left this the last time he was over and his wife might want it back.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger cinders said...

I need to know about the picture-- Is it real? Does it vibrate in rhythm to the music? If it's just a photoshop, check the patents, we're gonna be rich.

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1, i just noticed the photo. Is that Nano iPod powered by what I think it's powered by? Leave it to you to find that accessory.

 
At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm pro-stoning too! perhaps not the same type of 'stoning', but still. ;D

you should stone him!

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

margaret,

I remember you from 7th grade. Just so you know, I got my braces off. There's no need to tease me on the bus anymore.

puss,

You have yourself a deal.

monkey,

You can pay me for the rights to this line should you need it in the future.

drib,

I am maybe a little vindictive. You're right, I should let go and admire the shoes. Still, I would have liked the ostrich heels. That would help me move on.

steven,

Am starting to feel a little better about the whole affair. Thanks.

dallas,

I feel our secret handshake coming on. Go wash your hands first.

claudia,

What did you think I was in it for, the conversation? Hahahahaha. Oh, that's rich.

nerd,

Ted and I haven't talked since that unfortunate incident.

britt,

This is the ohmiBod (http://www.ohmibod.com/). The iBuzz is a similar product available in the US (http://www.ibuzzusa.com/). Not that I am informed about stuff like this, of course.

matt,

Damn, Matt. I have to go lick my wounds now. Also, those are nice stocking stuffers.

christina,

Where have you been all my life? Screw calling L, I'm calling you from now on.

cinders,

Yes, it vibrates to the music. Right now, I'm sweating to the oldies.

matt,

I am a well accessorized woman.

miztris,

Everybody must get stoned.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger K.Leigh said...

Ugh.

I think I've dated this guy--he sounds like my type (I'm notorious for my horrible taste in wealthy older men).

I hope the shoes were killer.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k.leigh,

Me too...me too. I am trying to give all that up. Experiencing limited success.

You should see my adorable feet right now. I am just staring and staring at them.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mist1...i've been checking out your blog for a couple weeks, feeling much like a stalker. really fun, do we thank you ? okay, thanks.

oh and shoes..love love love them. i am one of the few lesbians i know that has a shoe fetish...i am constantly mocked. i feel safe here though.

 
At 2:01 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

I think those shoes probably have more soul than he & he's just lucky they didn't leave a lasting impression in the physical sense.
I take it that he didn't immediately call you back...what a wuss... his wife may take that crap, but you sure shouldn't...just take those shoes & run!

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger Killer said...

I too long for the good ole days of stoning. I always have a perfectly shaped and weighted rock in my pocket, just waiting for a mob to form and stone someone.
As a guy, would it help to get more tongue in my throat if I just offer to buy shoes from the get-go?

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

You know, it might just be fun to buy him a subscription to the foulest, most repulsive porn mag you can find. Smile to yourself as you imagine him trying to explain it to his wife. Cackle maliciously...

 
At 5:07 PM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

I'm afraid I wouldn't have felt bad about it at all, having used him for great shoes and all. I mean, I'm sure his wifes shoes aren't half as nice as yours.

Kristyn

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

joy,

Please, call me Mist. No need for formalities here. This is a safe place to talk about fetishes of any kind.

Thanks for coming by.

slb,

The whole shoe/sole thing was really very clever. Please note that I cannot run in any of the shoes that he purchased.

killer,

When I run for first lady, my platform will be bringing back public stoning. Can I count on your vote?

Also, if that was an offer to buy me those ostrich heels, I will gladly stick my tongue down your throat. What are you doing next weekend?

crank,

I wish porn magazines offered free gifts with subscriptions. Like how TIME sends a tote bag or a watch. A porn subscription with an offer for free nipple clamps would really be something, wouldn't it?

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

She had lovely shoes. Although, they were a bit on the sensible side.

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger Matt said...

i didn't mean to pist1 you off. :)

 
At 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Did you read the specs on this iBuzz you were so glib about? You get a knobbled stimulating sleeve, and you can wear a really cute pair of shoes with it; I get a spike cock ring, and you know how I always wanted a reason to call my cock Spike; and there's a vibrating bullet with a long white lead, I guess for a third party. maybe hanging from a pole. Finally, a good reason to play Ravel's "Bolero"!

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I hope the shoes didn't have tongues, too. When I was a child, my parents made me wear the same shoes every year, in the next size. They were cordovan brown Stride Rites with laces and fringed tongues and I hated them.

My mother assured me that they Gave Good Support, as if I cared. I wanted patent leather maryjanes. With taps.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Mom and Dad used to dress me in my sleep. I would wake up and throw a fit because I didn't want to wear what they had dressed me in.

This is why I am the way I am about my wardrobe. Retail therapy helps.

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Please buy me some shoes to ease my pain.

0,

I think it's cute that you think I might actually read specs. I have never even said the word "specs" before.

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

At least you got some shoes out of it...

and the opportunity to behave like a 7th grader again.

 
At 7:29 PM, Anonymous Veronica said...

Out of sympathy for his wife, I'm thrilled to hear that you told him off. No need to feel any guilt since you can just consider yourself an "Agent of Karma."

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger Babs1 said...

My inner 7th grader laughed too!
Thanks for your comment. Pet Iskra for me. It's wonderful to adopt pets. There are too many with no homes.

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

The shoes were well worth it. I'm much better at seventh grade than I remember being.

veronica,

Oooooh. I'm an agent. I will need an agent wardrobe. What do agents of Karma wear?

babs,

My inner 7th grader is going to ask Mom for a ride to the mall.

Iskra is in hyper kitty mode currently, but when he calms down, I'll be sure to give him a pat from you.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Veronica said...

May I suggest black, Mist. It's chic, it's slimming, it's timeless, and it says "Don't mess with me."

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

veronica,

One does want a hint of color. I guess I can always accessorize. Perhaps the ohmiBod.

 
At 4:57 AM, Blogger treespotter said...

see... this is exactly what i was talking about.
maybe you can help.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I don't hit on women who are pro-stoning. Too painful.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Famous Quotations said...

You have won the Blog of the Day Awards

 
At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
So that's why there's a division of labor, I'll bet you're glad that I'm Spartacus.

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

treespotter,

I am always happy to offer my very valuable opinions when it comes to shoes. I have done my best to answer your questions on your blog. Please, don't thank me. It's embarassing.

Thanks for coming by.

nwjr,

Stoning and dating alike are painful.

famous,

Am shocked. How did this happen? More importantly, when is my appearance on the Today show?

Thanks for coming by.

0,

Is that your stripper name?

 
At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

shoes before dudes, as the womens like to say.

 
At 4:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

brooklyn,

My shoes, like my men, are seasonal.

 
At 5:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Spartacus La Rue, and I have this string of pearls here....

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Ms. La Rue, are those freshwater pearls?

 
At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Neil said...

What were his wife's shoes like?

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

neil,

I believe the correct term for them would be "pumps." But they felt like a sneaker.

 
At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Veronica said...

I have a drawer full of scarves to give me that hint of color. I also wear gigantic dangly earrings with various colored stones or beads. Sometimes the sharp points in my earrings get caught on some of my more delicate scarves and poke holes in them, though. I find that wearing accessories can be a bit like entering a relationship with an inanimate object since you have to think about their unique qualities and alter your behavior a bit for them. I suppose you’re used to that with the shoe thing, though.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Wow. He got off easy though.

Beaver Hunt? I think I love you.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

veronica,

I got a pair of dangly earring caught in a scarf once. Now I wear sensible earrings. Kinda like your shoes. You see, we are not so different afterall.

kiyotoe,

Be careful, I have been known to accept proposals or marriage via my blog.

 
At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Lizza said...

Well, I love you. You make me laugh so hard! But I'm offering neither marriage nor a proposal. :-D

Besides, I'm curious as to how you can shove your tongue down a man's throat-- gorgeous shoes notwithstanding.

 
At 11:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I love you. You make me laugh so hard! But I'm offering neither marriage nor a proposal. :-D

Besides, I'm curious as to how you can shove your tongue down a man's throat-- gorgeous shoes notwithstanding.

 
At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
These are awfully big pearls to be freshwater, or they had to be gigantic oysters!

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Maybe you should get a photo of PR guy's wife naked and send it to Beaver Hunt? Or, if you can't find one naked, use Photoshop to put her head on a naked body and send that in.

Or, you can just get stoned. You said you were pro-stoning.

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

It's okay. Where I live we couldn't get married anyway.

Actually, it's quite simple to do the whole tongue down the throat thing. It helps if you are standing in a parking lot, trying to get into your car and you need a way to distract him and yet say "thanks for the shoes, let's do it again soon." Also, martinis really help.

0,

Are those gigantic oysters in your pocket...?

dan,

Her snatch has been all over the internet. It was photoshopped onto Lindsay Lohan's body.

 
At 6:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Pocket? You didn't say anything about wearing clothes!

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Awkward. I feel overdressed.

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

The Rod of Rods.....WHY THE CANE?

As iconic as the maritime cat-o'-nine-tails, Scottish tawse, fraternity paddle, and the American bullwhip may be, none is so perfectly suited to the task at hand. None possesses the elegant severity of a thin, swishy wand of rattan. (I'm pro caning, I do like the stoning though too!!!)

 
At 7:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

Caning is good fun.

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger cinders said...

I checked out the iBuzz... that's got a lot of cords... that's how circulation gets cut off...

 
At 8:49 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

What do the shoes look like? If they're black patent leather maryjanes with taps, my inner 6-year old is going to pitch a fit, the rotten little crybaby.

You've been warned.

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cinders,

Who sent you? Ralph Nader?

hearts,

Um, no taps. Little heel. You can borrow them after I've worn them a few times. Maybe.

 
At 6:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You know, you can stick that shaft up your ass too and when they hit the high parts in "Bolero" yowee

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Dear G*d.

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
We can get two of them, and hook 'em up in parrallel, I see a road show!

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

You are a master of logistics.

 
At 7:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You are an Intoxicating Woman of the World (IWW). Frederick Nietzchie would die to know you. So would his brother, Jim.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

In heavan all the interesting people are missing.

-F.N.

 
At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
This is our big chance at the big time.

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Let's use code names.

 
At 5:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
OK, let's see, you're amazing gorgeous, phenomenally built, incredibly built, and stupendously beautifull, and on top of that, you're smarter than 99% of the world's population, and funnier than everyone else. Analyzing carefully, constructing acronyms, yup. Hello Stella.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

That pretty much sums me up. Also, I am modest.

 
At 8:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Stella, you are the most modest

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Keep calling me other broad's names...see what happens.

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
YOU were the 1 who wanted to use code names. You preferred a different code name?

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Oh yeah. That's my code name. I get confused.

 

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ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
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