To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Clout



I was the last of my friends to get my driver's license. They all took Driver's Ed. together in high school. I felt a little left out when they talked about the "stimulators." I peeked my head into the classroom one day to see for myself. They were playing driving video games. No one looked very stimulated. It would be years before I experienced stimulated driving for myself.

When I was finally old enough to get my license, I decided that I'd rather not take Driver's Ed. It didn't seem necessary. Grandpa was the head of the State Board of Driver's Examiners. That made him Influential. And that made me Golden. I have always enjoyed the abuse of power when it is on my side.

I made an appointment for my written exam. My boyfriend, Waks Thatass, drove me to the testing site. I spent most of the allotted time writing Mist + Waks = Love on the back of the test booklet. Also, I practiced writing my name and his last name in cursive. Mist Thatass. I still like the way that sounds.

At the end of the test, the proctor asked us all to choose a partner and exchange tests. He handed out answer keys and instructed us to correct each other's exams. There was an odd number of people taking the test that day and I got to correct my own test. I rounded down the number of incorrect answers to two.

Thirty days later, with appropriate paperwork in hand, I returned to the DMV for my behind-the-wheel test. The examiner studied the forms and asked, "Mist 1? Any relation to Mr. Take 1?" I told him that I was his granddaughter and that Grandpa expected me to do exceptionally well on the test. Then I asked him how to spell his last name. His voice cracked as he spelled it for me. I wrote it down and asked if we should get started.

As I mowed over cones and rolled through stops, I asked him if he liked his job. He nodded; eyes never straying from the road. I completed the slalom portion of the exam flawlessly. I parallel parked in two smooth motions. To this day, I can still parallel park. Sometimes, I even get close to the curb.

I got my driver's license that day.

My parents made a sizable donation for improvements to be made to the grounds; a little area now known as "Pedestrian Memorial Parking Lot."

Mist 1


54 Comments:

At 9:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any class with a stimulator sounds interesting...

 
At 9:50 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1, how old are you? Driver's Ed video games. That's so high-tech. Are you, like, 19?

You sound a bit like Jenna Bush here.

 
At 9:51 PM, Blogger Matt said...

You're so full of shit. I know from your posts and how full of shit I am. You did NOT bust this guys balls, did you? you're full of shit.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

I didn't want to be stimulated with that teacher. He was gross.

matt,

I have been 21 for years and years now. I am not full of shit. I'm pretty regular. That's kinda personal, don't you think?

 
At 10:39 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, we never had simulated or stimulated drivers' ed....that all came after I got my license.
Parallel parking is kind of like curling the tongue, some folks can do & some never have & never will.

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

slb,

I have to curl my tongue when I parallel park. It helps me concentrate.

 
At 12:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went to the DMV 2 cities away because they did not require parallel parking. It's pretty bad when I drive into LA for work and I pull over and ask my friend from work to parallel park for me. I still manage to hold my head up high though while watching someone else park my truck. I always try to offer money as a 'tip' in case anyone's watching.

 
At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can your grandfather get me a license? I've failed my test 6 times. 4 of which I didn't deserve...

 
At 1:04 AM, Blogger spoon said...

My ex, bless his cotton socks, once came to meet me and some friends for a drink. When he got there he was real cranky, which wasn't unusual. He said to me all accusingly, "I sat in hours of traffic to get here to see you and at the end then I had to parallel park!!!!" Nothing wrong with a good dose of nepotism!

 
At 1:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No wonder Daisey had to take drugs before he drove with ya!!!!

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I may book my annual thrill vacation with you on a driving holiday instead of going to an amusement park. It makes reality TV seem passe don't you think?

btw Want to know more about this kitty I've seen mentioned at Cheeky's.

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

When I can't park, I just pretend that I'm blind. People are more understanding then.

shadow,

I will channel Granpa from The Beyond.

spoon,

Why did y'all break break up? He seems lovely.

odat,

I fail to see what you're hinting at.

icl,

You may want to consider buying a season pass. By the third time you've driven with me it has paid for itself. Kitty's name is Iskra and we are in love.

 
At 5:54 AM, Anonymous the ceo said...

1
Iskra is the luckiest guy around. I'd also like whatever you take to stay so regular, a personal goa; of mine!

I'll always drive with you. I will also sky dive, disarm bombs, and I love fighting 24 ninjas naked. Brings out the lesbian in me.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Disarming bombs sounds fun. I am rather disarming.

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger normiekins said...

to this day i cannot parallel park....

LOL.... waks thatass

 
At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

I had to go to driving school in France 11 years after getting my license here. I bribed the instructor into letting me take fewer lessons.

The day I took the test, I was 9 months pregnant and barely able to fit behind the wheel. I think the tester knew that if he failed me, I'd get all hormonal on him. So I passed. Ten days later I had my son.

I still hate parallel parking.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Matt said...

My apologies, Mist1. I'm still 29, btw.

I remember an off-hand comment I made to the driver's ed instructor (bitch didn't like me) that in no time I'd be so good that I'd be able to drive while holding a beverage in one hand.

"I have no doubt you will," she said.

 
At 8:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very true...my driver's ed teach was pretty gross too...I think it needs to be a requirement.

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

norm,

Perhaps you know him...he gets around.

alison,

Nothing wrong with a little bribery. I like to call it being persuasive.

matt,

They should make the road test more realistic. We should have to talk on the phone while we make incomplete stops.

claudia,

Same goes for PE teachers. I will never forget how many balls Mr. Fortier had in his pockets. Ugh.

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I've always been able to parallel park easily, but my driving skills make my husband amazingly nervous. I think he has a personal problem.

Driver's Ed was taught by the wrestling coach in my h.s. When they learned to change a tire, he said, 'Heart, you'll never have to do it. Why don't you cut this class?" So I did, and I still don't know how.

Everyone loves abuse of power when it's in their favor, but few admit it. Your Grandpa would be proud.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Wax that ass.

I love you, oh yes I do.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

You mean you have to change tires? Sh*t.

maiden,

He loved me too. He misses me, I'm sure of it. I'd ask him, but he's blocked my number.

 
At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
At the risk of offending everyone, I can parallel park REALLY well. Where I lived, you didn't have a choice.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

So can I. Seriously. I just knew that no one would believe me. It's the only part of driving that I really have down. Well, that and the tweezing part.

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

So can I. Seriously. I just knew that no one would believe me. It's the only part of driving that I really have down. Well, that and the tweezing part.

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

When I took my exam, the 1st thing we had to do was parallel park before they'd even let us onto the road - if we didn't get it in 3 tries, it was an automatic fail. I didn't make it to the road until my 7th attempt - I then sped thru a yellow light. 9th time's a charm, I always say. To this day I will drive 10 miles out of my way to avoid parallel parking.

 
At 9:52 AM, Blogger June Bug said...

Hi there.. there must be something in the air .. you really did blog about the DMV... All in all it is not the funnest place to be ..

 
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You just turned me into an internet cliche'. I literally laughed out loud while reading that.

My grandfather happens to be a bigdog in the word verification world. Think about it.

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I'm strangely stimulated...

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

I'm guessing every woman in America has a relative that works inside the DMV. I have yet to meet one that can drive and yet...they all own a license.

I'm emailing Perdue...

 
At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The words "mowing over cones" really turned me on. ;)

Steve~

 
At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I'll rent a limo from the airport.

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

I still can't belive that I have my license to this day!!

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Meg said...

So, you were stimulated instead of simulated...mmmm, maybe there in lies the key....just a thought. Hope your having a good one!

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Now you've done it! No one can get away with such consistently funny material day in and day out and not have me link to them from my blog.

So there!

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I drove all the way to the coast and back today and my passenger only winced 37 times and curled up in a ball with her head in her hands twice. I'm getting much better. I could give you some lessons if you like.

Puss

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

What kind of Nazi state do you live in?

bug,

See, I told you.

jali,

Can you have your grandpa make word verifcation codes that I can get right on the first attempt.

tug,

Glad I could help.

drib,

Yes, we women have it easy.

steven,

I am a sexy b*tch.

britt,

Make sure it's a white one. I wanna ride in style.

anastasia,

Lord, I hear ya.

meg,

Driving is fun when you're stimulated.

dan,

Thanks for the link.

puss,

I would love the lessons. Don't you drive on the wrong side of the road over there? That means that I would finally be in the right. Or left. I can't remember.

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Does the Pedestrian Memorial Parking Lot take the place of what used to be the city park? Funny place to have to drop a parking lot to cover the bodies.

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

wg,

I can neither confirm nor deny your allegation.

 
At 8:16 PM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

lol. Wish I had your Grandpa. I failed the driving test twice. I was such a bad driver. I'm okay now, but damn, I'm amazed I didn't get killed before now. :) Hell, you should have seen my dad trying to teach me to drive a standard transmission. Poor guy!

Kristyn

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

Um, isn't a standard an automatic? Seriously, you're a worse driver than I am.

 
At 1:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another thing to add to my Things To Do Before I Die list: Find a way to get mist1 to teach me to drive. I bet it'd be an exhilarating experience!

 
At 3:56 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

We drive on the right side, i.e. the left. It is the rest of the world that is wrong - we are British, after all.

Anyway, don't you do some weird shit like turning left, or right, or some direction when the traffic lights are red? That's just twisted - what about the pedestrians? That's why they have to build memorial carparks no doubt...

Puss (British and proud, even if our Prime Minister is your president's bitch)

 
At 5:03 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You inspire me to stay OFF the road. OFF zee road, Miss Thatass.

 
At 5:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

I am available throughout the end of this month. Then I'm all booked up for November. If you recommend a friend, I'll give you a discount.

puss,

Red lights are suggestions here. Pedestrians are obstacles. I just adore Tony. When George gets all worked up and spouts off his venom, Tony says stuff like, "I'm positively ill about it..." I wish we were that calm and collected.

orhan,

Call me if you need a ride. Oh, you can call me Mist.

 
At 7:13 PM, Blogger C said...

Just about as good as my golf cart driving skills. Most people won't let me drive them anywhere now.

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

People rarely ask me to drive. I am okay with that. Gas is expensive and I am cheap.

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger C said...

I am cheap as well.

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

I personally enjoy drivers who recevied their drivers license as part of a lottery win.

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

It is not a crime. Cheapskates unite!

nerd,

Is that sarcasm? I'm pretty sure that's sarcasm.

 
At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
How about you drive while I roll joints? After the first couple j's, who cares. All perfectly legal.

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I gave up pot a long time ago. This is how my brain works on pot:

Who said that?
Did I say that?
Did I say that too loudly?
How long ago did I say that?
Did somebody just say something to me?
I better go clean something.

Yeah, I'm a lot of fun.

Did I just say that?

 
At 8:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
That was sarcasm.
How about I pour a martini while you drive? Better? We're swilling today. Definitely using the peach vodka.

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Peach? Blueberry and soda is as fruity as I get.

 

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