To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, October 13, 2006

Converting


When my self-esteem is low, I go to Home Depot. Home Depot has the best customer service (if I am wearing a bustier). I like to ask where the lubricant aisle is. Army's of employees in little orange aprons, rush to my aid. I always ask for an item on the top shelf. I love it when they have to climb up the ladder to help me. I wish they had to wear bright orange bikini bottoms.

When I am feeling needy, I buy shoes. Yesterday, I felt needy. No one could comfort me but Steve Madden and Kenneth Cole and Nine West. They called out my name. Softly at first. Then louder. I was in a frenzy. One pair. Then two. Then five. I couldn't see over the tower of shoe boxes. I walked through the aisles in a daze. One shoe on; a little nylon stocking clinging to my left foot. I wanted to take them all home. Except for the fur lined clogs.

Shopping makes me thirsty. So does typing and reading and napping and thinking. I needed a drink. I dragged my bags to Applebee's (I was in the upscale mall, clearly). I walked past the barber shop (please see reference to classy mall). I have a technique for walking past the barber shop. I walk verrrrry slowly. I sway my hips rhythmically from side to side. Sometimes, I drop something and have to pick it up.

This time, I noticed a sign in the window. The sign invited me to worship in the barber shop on Sunday mornings. They offered an early service and a late one for the heathens who were out drinking the night before. I thought of the convenience of shaving my head and praising Him at the same time. If I ever shave my head, I will make sure that it is on a Sunday.

The name of the small church is T.H.U.G. Ministries (True Honor Under G*d). I am joining. I stopped by the Kiosk of Bling and purchased a "platinum" chain with a large "platinum" blinged-out hand grenade dangling from it.

Word to Our Father. Can I get an A-Mizzle?

Mist 1


63 Comments:

At 9:23 PM, Blogger C. said...

fur lined clogs? was there really any doubt that they would be left behind? here, people are starting to wear their Uggs. I say..UGH!

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

I wonder if your barbershop offers a special on tonsures.

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

I bought two pair of boots. One pair had a great heel and a pointy toe. One pair was fur lined, laced up and had fuzzy balls hanging from it. Am starting to feel ashamed of myself. Ugh.

cranks,

It's not an orthodox establishment. You can, however, get the initials of the Savior shaved in the back of your head. Which I think is like the modern tonsure.

Thanks for dropping by.

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Bad Mist1. This might surprise you, but I own a pair of clogs (crocs). Actually two pairs. Folks like to wear them in the garden and when boating.

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Do you wear them with your glasses?

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger C. said...

First pair sound fabu...however, I would feel ashamed too if I let my fuzzy balls hang out.

 
At 10:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ya think they got a church organ in there??

The malls here just have gangs in them...no Applebees. Must be nice...

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger ChiefMommy Owl said...

Pointy toes, yikes. When I go into the shoe store, the salesman says, "This way to the Easy Spirits madam."

Thanks for the tip about the kiosk of bling. I've got an anniversary coming up.

Sara :)

 
At 10:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

That's a problem that's easily remedied. Any vet can do it.

michael,

Didn't see any organs until I was in the parking lot. Then I called mall security.

chief,

You cannot go wrong. There was also a lovely bust of Tupac. Is this your bling anniversary? How many years is that anyway?

 
At 1:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The ministry of bling! I like it, please post a photo, this place I got to see.

 
At 2:06 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I could never join - it's bad enough that I have to shave my legs and pits...let alone my head!

 
At 4:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My guy friends are always complaining about the service at Home Depot. I tell them to not wear their bras.

 
At 5:07 AM, Blogger Tony said...

I have never felt the urge to yoddle, but with fur lined clogs i think it would be a must, awoke this morning in not so sunny uk and it was,well,err, very misty

Mist, where is the dirty south?

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Tony said...

Can openly and honestly say i have never had the urge to yodel, but with a pair of fur lined clogs and maybe a leopard skin pill box hat it could be fun, awoke this morning(6am) in not so sunny england, infact it was very Misty indeed

Mist-the dirty south is where?

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Have you considered taking Robert shopping for shoes ... like, for sandals? Or do you really want to wait until the next pool party?

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Girlfriend don't forget your grill....you gots to have a tripped out grill

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

You pack a lot in a post MiST. The hand grenade adds the finishing touch. I lurve me shoes too. Take after me mama, and all the other women in the world.

 
At 5:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Such the tease, you are!!!

Must be shoe week tho!! I got me some at the mall the other day too!
(no bling tho, no organs ;-(

 
At 5:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

shadow,

I will attempt to take photos, but with the flash and all that bling, I can't promise good results.

spoon,

Maybe you could consider alternate ways to join the church. You just have to prove that you're down with G*d.

lee,

Where do your guy friends find their bras? I know a guy that could use one.

tony,

I am somewhere in the Southern United States where it is not very misty. It is humid here though.

Thanks for coming by.

dan,

I have actually been shopping for shoes for Robert. Never with him. I knew a girl who wanted to clean him up a little; we picked out some dress shoes. He wore them with coveralls.

cheeky,

Fo' sho', I gots to get my gold fronts. I want blinged out fangs.

icl,

Is it too much? The whole Home Depot thing is extra. I know.

odat,

I've been called worse. Fall shoes make me happy. Okay, all shoes make me happy.

 
At 6:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your man friend who needs the bra should just wear a tight half-shirt. He would def. get attn. at the Home Depot.

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

I am afraid of your local Home Depot.

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger C said...

I say you need a new grill. (some gold teeth for those of you that are not members of the latter day T.H.U.G.S.)

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I shaved my head once. Everyone told me it made me look mean.

Word.

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I added you to my blogroll. You are now officially one of "the cool kids".

Try to not let it go to your head.

 
At 6:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

great post Mist. every time I come over here I feel like pinching a concept or two and pretending they are my own.

by the way...
origin of the word Thug was an Indian cult that used to befriend strangers then strangle them and steal their cash/bling/funky boots.

See you later (maybe)

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

That picture is so sweet.

Our Home Depot offers Mexican labor. My Dad paid them to build a pool deck once. They did a splendid job.

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Am considering a gold Nefertiti on my front tooth. Guard your grill.

nwjr,

I pulled my hair back to tightly one day. Everyone said I looked like a bald android. Bald androids look very tough. Thanks for the link. Am feeling cool enough to attend my XXX year high school reunion. I'm cool now b*tches.

greg,

Concept pinching is good, but I prefer concept spanking.

nolff,

I went into Mexican labor one time. 23 hours of hard Mexican back labor. No epidural.

 
At 8:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A-mizzle...lol! if there's a way to buy yourself into heaven, jesus bling is IT.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I plan on getting into Heaven by pouring a little of my 40 out for the J-Dawg.

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i didn't say he'd get Good attn. but yes, i'm afraid of my local home depot too. ;)

 
At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Oh Lord how I wish I was smart enough to make a graphic of A'Mizzle in sparkling bling font.

 
At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Bling is my life, in my spare time, it's my hobby.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Steve Madden shall comfort me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of Home Depot forever. Amen.

Couldn't you get a REAL hand grenade on a fake platinum chain? What kind of wussy mall do you go to, anyway?

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger Cheeky said...

FYI - just posted a pic of the new "do" hehe

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I wanted to give you an "a-mizzle" but I just can't say that word. I tried...it won't come out. It offends my mouth...But I tried

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

When I feel bad, I eat a whole box of chocolates, or eat lots of ice cream! :) Yes, my hips hate me, and so when I feel bad about the extra pounds I gained, it's right back to the chocolates. It's an endless cycle of torture!

On another note, there's a church here called the Cowboy Church, they meet in a local bar.

Kristyn

 
At 3:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not 100% comfortable with giving you an A-Mizzle.

Sorry. ;)

Steve~

 
At 3:38 PM, Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

A-Mizzle Fo Shizzle

Does that mean I can't curse and stare at cleavage if I join?

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

You gotta start hanging out at my Home Depot. Wear a bustier.

britt,

I wish you were too. It would make me laugh and laugh.

0,

I've gotta get a hobby. I should really get some bling as well.

hearts,

You could be the preacher!

I was at the ghetto mall. They don't have real handgrenades for sale in there. You have to buy those from Uzi-Mack in the parking lot.

cheeky,

Will be coming to see it.

nihilistic,

It's okay. It was difficult for me to type the word.

kristyn,

I think I rode the bull in the Cowboy Church once. I vaguely remember throwing up after that.

steven,

Thanks for your honesty. Can I at least get a pound or even a "nuf respect"?

drib,

This is just the kind of church where that is okay.

 
At 6:37 PM, Blogger Steph said...

I worship at the alter of Jimmy Choo.
Steve Madden would be an arch angel, but I'm wanting to be born again into the shoes of Via Uno.
Ahhhhhhhhh-mennnnnnnn!

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

How about a "For-Shizzle my Nizzle"
???
I know the feeling in the shoe store....it's overwhelming...I would rather buy purses and shoes to food and utilities.I'm trying to stay clear of the mall.

Now, is it all old men in the barber shop? Depending on the age of the men...well, I'll put it this way, the older, the more of a show they would get. Old guys are the best to get a good laugh out of.

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Amizzle, oh dearest sizzle of mine.

 
At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey riv hope all is going well. You still in Georgia. Shit I thought you would be gone by now.

No lye, I just heard about your blog. Cant believe I found it. I found some weirdness online but I won\'t go into it. We can chat over the phone, is that shit true?

Anyways wanted to give you some love and of course something to write about. I heard you were having bloggers block.

Remember the good old days when everyone believed that you were a good person. :) This blogging sure is killing that huh?

Well girlfriend have a good weekend. I am sure something will happen soon that will give you plenty to write about, just think good thoughts okay.

P.S. Its almost holloween - scary huh?

P.S.S. Whats up with your new computer? Did you pawn it already?

--Beth

 
At 4:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

MISERY is manifold. The wretchedness of earth is multiform. Overreaching the wide horizon as the rainbow, its hues are as various as the hues of that arch, --as distinct too, yet as intimately blended. Overreaching the wide horizon as the rainbow! How is it that from beauty I have derived a type of unloveliness? --from the covenant of peace a simile of sorrow? But as, in ethics, evil is a consequence of good, so, in fact, out of joy is sorrow born. Either the memory of past bliss is the anguish of to-day, or the agonies which are have their origin in the ecstasies which might have been.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

steph,

Jimmy Choo's church is highly respected in my camp. Also, so is the church of Chinese Laundry.

anastasia,

Food and utilities?

orhan,

Your affection for me does not do unnoticed. (flutters eyelashes)

anon,

You go through a lot to keep this up. Why don't you just call me?

 
At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Neil said...

Half of the employees at the Hollywood Home Depot are gay.

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

neil,

Only half?

Many of the female Home Depot employees at my local store are gay. It does not hurt the customer service at all. Either way, I am taken care of!

 
At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I used to work at Home Depot. No wonder I keep getting hot flashes.

 
At 7:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I thought I recognized you from somewhere. Thanks for your help with the lubricants.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist
Shoe addiction is a religion in itself. Shoe shopping is worship. Shoe whores are like nuns, but for shoes. Your soul needs no other food, or should that be your sole? Five pairs? You did good, babe – very restrained.

GP

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I am rather like a nun. I have a habit.

 
At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Why are old guys always taking the rap around here? What's there to look forward to? I don't have the hair to hang out in a barbershop now.

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Make an appointment for a good head waxing.

 
At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Is that like a head massage?

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

No, it adds shine and makes it waterproof. Also, it costs more that $5.

 
At 3:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
$5 is no big deal for waterproof *and* a shine! What a deal! Does anyone else know about this?

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Lots of people know about this. Prices vary. Sometimes, they charge by the hour. But only if you want a private room.

 
At 8:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
This bears investigation!

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I think "bares" is probably more accurate.

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger Doug said...

I worked there, we had a code for hot women in the store. We called it customer service. I think it was just at our store and no others but I could be mistaken.We would sometimes go on customer service walks when we were bored.

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

doug,

But did you wear the orange bikini bottom?

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Definitely a deeper investigation

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Let's play detective.

 

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Name: Mist1
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