To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Oral Deception


When I have female questions, I call S. She asks me her man questions in return. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I usually just make up an answer and see how long it takes for her to call me back and curse me out.

I called her in a panic yesterday. I had dropped my morning birth control pill and it rolled under my dresser and disappeared. What should I do in this situation? Take the next day's pill thereby screwing me up for the rest of the month? Open a new pack and take the corresponding pill thereby screwing me up next month?

S knows everything about birth control. She has been on the shot, the pill, the patch, Norplant, wild yam, and has also flung herself down a flight of stairs to control her fertility.

She told me to pray and called me a slut.

Satisfied with her valuable advice, I decided to ask her another question. For the record, S is not a doctor, nor does she have her GED. Still, she is really informed when it comes to important issues.

"Ever since I started this new pill, my boobs are really sore," I told her. "I think they're growing. Is this a side-effect?" I asked with my fingers crossed (my cups runneth under).

In her convincing scholarly voice, S said, "Lots of women at your age go through a period of breast growth. Usually, it's about a full cup size."

"Really?" I asked. I felt conflicted. Glee at the prospect of growing real live breasts and concern as to where I put the receipt for my new bra. Maybe I should exchange it for a B cup.

"Yeah f*cking right. Hahahaha, you little tittied b*tch!"

I love her.

In return I told her that her new boyfriend sounded like a stand-up kind of guy. She was worried because he has two seven-year-old kids, by two different women. "I love twins," I said. She agreed.

I still haven't found that pill. The cat probably ate it. At least he won't get pregnant.

Mist 1


79 Comments:

At 9:54 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

But now the cat is going to grow breasts!

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post and that one about S are hilarious! (My cups runneth under, hahaha!) But if you find that you need a bigger cup size because of the new pill, let me know. I might just be interested...in the pill, not your boobies ;-)

 
At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Poor kitty, and I heard he was trying so hard to have a litter too. This will really ruin that effort. I wouldn't tell him if I were you. It would ruin his day, maybe the whole week.

 
At 11:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always worry that when I drop my medication for regulating my heart beat that the cat won't find it. That could get real, realy ugly. Good luck finding your pil!!

 
At 2:27 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist,
Your mate's right - the pill increased my cup size, but unfortunately increased the size of the rest of me as well. Now I stick to very hot baths and gin. Works every time.

Pole dancing, however, increased my chest by two cup sizes and decreased the size of the rest of me - so aim high, climb the pole to a C cup!

Puss

 
At 3:37 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

He may not get pregnant, but I hope he doesn't go into heat from all the hormones. A horny cat around the house? Protect your shoes!

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

Does PetSmart carry kitty bras?

lizza,

S is incredible. I am hoping my boobies will be too.

0,

I think kitty and I should wait before having a litter. I don't want to be a deadbeat mom.

michael,

Suddenly, I wish this post had been about my "heart" medication. It doesn't sound as slutty.

puss,

Hot baths and gin or hot baths in gin?

wg,

Not. My. Shoes.

 
At 5:32 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I gleefully give bad advice as well. It's very fulfilling.

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger mrsmogul said...

yea the cat won't need that victoria secret padded bra anymore!

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

The pill makes me bitchy and makes me eat - ALOT - hope this doesn't happen to the kitty - nothing like a kitty that is catty!

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Sore tits? Methinks you're pregnant. What do I know, I haven't used any birth control since 1987.

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger Meg said...

I think that was sign from above...you need new shoes!!! Great laughs Mist -love starting my work day with a little ditty from you..... :)

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Either. But if you bathe in gin you have to drink the bathwater as it is classfied as a 'crime against gin' to waste that much. Last time I tried it, I lost about a week, not sure what happened to my cup size in that time but there's a rugby team in Dover who may be able to shed some light on the matter...

Puss

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger Tug said...

If you don't find it, let me know. I'm not getting any, so I've got extra pills, just let me know which day.

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

I have not tried yams as BC but I've tried everything else.....I finally opted to have my guts removed....a little drastic but now I don't bleed like a stuck pig every 2 weeks....Plus I don't have to mess with BC or tampons....I still have crazy mood swings though. either that or they are in my imagination but I still choose to use them as an excuse!

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I'll have S call you with her man problems.

mogul,

But it's a demi cup and he looks so hot in it.

Thanks for coming by.

cheeky,

A cat that's a pussy is pretty bad too.

maiden,

But he said I couldn't get pregnant if we did it that way. Damn.

meg,

Shoes always make me happy.

puss,

Hey, I know those guys.

tug,

Thanks. I need a pink one.

srg,

Mental PMS. Can you use that in court in case you murder someone?

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger normiekins said...

OMG dying laughing....a pussy bra....little tits are all the rage....just ask me.! ;)

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

norm,

Little tits are in for fall? Oh thank G*d.

 
At 7:27 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

I just hope your hormonal cat has a kitty friend she can call when her boobs get sore.

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

He's going to call Avitable. See comment above.

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're fucked. Stupid pills. The shot's the only way to go.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

It seems like I'm only f*cked if I'm...well, f*cked.

 
At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As for the boyfriend, that sounds very thoughtful of him...I mean why should one woman have to deal with two kids at once. Very thoughtful!

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Most of the pills do cause soreness and breast growth. The principle is that they fool your body into thinking it's pregnant, w/o the baby, of course. It's kind of mean, actually. No wonder our bodies get back at us later with menopause.

I've always thought that to be a woman is to conspire in the absurd.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mkay -
I'd like to be added to your blogroll.

Secondly: Your hilarious.
I think your secretly some Author from the NY Best Seller's list.
C'mon now are you JK Rowling just slummin with us on the net? If so can I get an advance copy of Harry Potter? If not what about the other novels you're working on?

 
At 8:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I lost 10 lbs. when I went off the pill, so it obviously does encourage growth (somewhere).

P.S. Don't ignore my tag...(or I'll feed the rest of your pills to the cat who in turn will destroy all shoes in it's wake).

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Why am I not surprised...?

Puss

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LMAO What can I say. Great story to wake up to and start the day.

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Mindless Dribbler said...

Yeah, but come on...with A's, do you really need it anyway?

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Um, why are we not hearing about what you're doing that requires you to take the pill?

i may actually start recommending this blog to people if there was Mist Porn.

 
At 9:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can have one of mine. I have decided to do my best to get prgenant. Hopefully I will be able to try multiple times a day.

 
At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can have one of mine. I have decided to do my best to get prgenant. Hopefully I will be able to try multiple times a day.

 
At 9:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cat didn't eat it...I did...sorry...

I thought it was a smartie. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh dammit! I was just about to ask how old you are. I'm still waiting for my breasts to develop. I keep hoping that maybe I'm just a late bloomer and by 35 I'll finally hit B cup range.

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Matt said...

In my experience, women's breasts have grown quite a bit around the age of 30....

But you're talking about mutually conflicting things here. Just leave that birth control pill beneath that dresser and see if your cup size doesn't go up a hell of a lot more than one size.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Dan said...

I just Googled "lose birth control pill" and here's what it said:

"If a pill is lost, you should replace it from a separate pack of pills. Call Health Services if this happens. Advice may vary depending on where you are in your pack and what type of pill you are on."

Unfortunately, the Health Services they mention is at Brown University (no surprise since the page with this advice is on the Brown University web site). I wonder if it's too late for you to enroll?

 
At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Perhaps you and kitty should take up pole dancing together!

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger cinders said...

You want more boobs? Why didn't you just ask? Send me your address, I'll send you some of mine.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I've used the "Pull and Pray" method, it's been working for quite a number of years. I wouldn't be able to remember to take the pill everyday, it's not a controlled substance.

 
At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You know, through all the laughing, you made me realize something, it ain't if you got tits or not, or if you're fat or thin, it's takin' whatever you do have and doin' something with it. After that, it's just practice, practice, practice. You're a great teacher!

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger melanie said...

the pill... blech. oh well.

s sounds like a righteous pal!

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Long before Ellen DeGeneres "Came out" she did a stand-up routine where she joked that the only time a women would move a fridge is if a birth control pill rolled under it. MOVE THAT DAMN DRESSER!!!!!!!

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

That's what I'm saying. A real stand-up kind of guy.

hearts,

That's fitting. I am a little absurd.

mayren,

I update links on the weekend. I'll add you then. As for my real identity, you are on to me. Harry dies in the next book. Sorry to be a spoiler, but I'm tired of the little sh*t.

odat,

I cannot afford to lose ten pounds. The emaciated look is out.

I answered your questions in your comments. You know you've never seen a meme here.

puss,

You know me too well.

nerd,

Does Mrs. Nerd know that you wake up to me?

drib,

Of course I need my cat. I love him.

britt,

I will work on some steamy Mist Porn for you.

dallas,

You are going to be the best mommy since Madonna.

steven,

I am having a fantasy about you hiding under my dresser. Come out, come out where ever you are.

miztris,

I am late bloomer too. Mom keeps reminding me of that. As for my age, I'm a little older than my teeth.

matt,

Did you experience a breast growth spurt?

dan,

I have always wanted to go back to college. I need another worthless liberal arts degree.

0,

I don't want him to outshine me on the pole. Cats are natural climbers.

cinders,

Please send them to my attention. UPS. Thanks. You are generous to a fault.

anastasia,

"Pull and Pray" is cracking me up right now.

0,

I feel like such a dominatrix now. Beg for it.

melanie,

S is the best friend a girl could ever ask for.

Thanks for coming by.

karmyn,

You sound a bit like Ty Pennington when he says, "move that bus!"

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1 (apropos of my blog),

Knowing you, your next taser will look like a dildo.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Have you been snooping around in my "magic" drawer?

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Your friend's new boyfriend sounds like a guy I tested last month on DNA day.

Does she live in Hell?

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

She lives in N. Hell. It's cold there.

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

In high school, they taught us the aspirin method of birth control--an aspirin clasped tightly between the knees. Seriously, the priests all agreed that it's a sure-fire winner.

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

That would be a viable option if my knees could get that close together. I'm rather bow-legged.

I know. That's hot.

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger C said...

Unless they are making little poop shute babies - I think it matters little if your "he" cat gets some hormonal enhancement for a day.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Crap. I just ran out to get him ice cream. He's totally taking advantage of the situation.

 
At 10:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey...it just occured to me...your boobs do get bigger when you're pregnant...

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

This blog ceases to be funny when I'm pregnant.

 
At 4:47 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Isn't your kitty a little young to be on birth control?

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

He's a teenager. The right age for birth control, the wrong age for IM.

 
At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Please Mist-ress, I must have it. I need some pole to practice.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

On your knees.

Hey, quit licking my boots. These are real snakeskin!

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'm up for it.

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I thought you might be. You'll know it's her because she talks really fast. Really, only the first and last sentence are important.

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger C said...

Next time get them pickles - they told me to tell you. I am not sure if it's for the ice-cream or their sexcapades.

 
At 12:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Gawd, I love pickles. Pickles after sex are divine.

 
At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I have a better idea, here's some goose liver pate!

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Pate cannot substitute for pickles.

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Your pussy ate your birth control pills? That's NOT how you're supposed to get them into your system, you know.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

Oh, that's funny.

It reminds me of the time, my MD gave me a bottle of calcium supplements. They were huge. I thought they were suppositories.

 
At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
How about some ice cream as a companuon to those pickles?

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Am not pregnant. Does this blog make me look fat?

 
At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
No, but you *are* a trend setter. Might be a new style!

 
At 6:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Thanks for noticing.

 
At 6:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Any particular kind of pickle you need stocked?

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Garlic dills. Baby garlic dills. Spears are good too. Will eat sweet pickles if there are no other options. Will eat just about anything pickled.

 
At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I sat in a vat of dill and alum last night until I was half done. Want to come over and finish me off?

 
At 9:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Not tonight Honey, I have a headache.

 
At 7:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I've never heard that one before

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I just coined it.

 
At 6:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
OK, how about some oral sex instead?

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Mind if I just lie here and do nothing?

Also, I'll need a bendy straw for my wine. Thanks.

 
At 6:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Are you going to be able to come in my mouth from down there?

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I'm giving you a subscription to free porn for your birthday.

 

Post a Comment

"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

ABOUT ME
ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.

BLOGROLL

123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
Avitable
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
c-writing
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
Fantasy and Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog
Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Karlababble
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
Maiden New York
Mayren Abashed
Meloncutter Musings
Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
Muffin 53
Pointless Banter
Pointless Drivel
Q's Corner
Random Moments
Roadtrip
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
Secret Suburban Misfit
Southern Circle of Hell
Studio-Twenty-Three
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head

NEWEST POSTS

Another Stroke of Genius
Famn Damily
Lewd Plumbing
Clout
Driving Mr. Daisy
Double A's
Moral Dilemma
Converting
Missed Opportunity
It Must Be In the Air

ARCHIVES

Credits

Header image photo by Alison.

 Subscribe in a reader

 Subscribe to comments

RFS Blog Awards Winner