Clubbing
A girl makes one little post about driving people places, and all of a sudden everyone wants a ride.
C needed a ride to a concert. He likes a band that's older than dirt and had purchased a ticket. Because he is cheap, he didn't want to cough up the $10 fee for parking. I dropped him off into a sea of elderly gentlemen wearing chains attached to their wallets and walkers and women with lipstick climbing up the creases in their faces.
Figuring that an elderly rock band couldn't possibly do more than three songs, I decided to get a drink at a nearby bar. I found a quiet looking nightclub with boarded up windows. Signs outside advertised Live Girls. Perfect. I hate Dead Girls. They smell.
I took a seat at the bar and ordered a beer. I avoided eye contact with the man wearing a gold suit and stroking his pubic-like beard at the end of the bar. I also avoided eye contact with the bearded lady who paid for my beer. I played Bejeweled on my phone until I had sufficiently worn down my battery. Then, there was nothing to do but watch the Live Girls.
Some of the Live Girls were clearly not Union Girls. Union Girls get one week a month off, Paid Menstrual Sabatical (PMS). This week is crucial if you are a Live Girl. Strings were flying everywhere. At first, I stared in disbelief. Then, I gagged. The pimp in gold ordered me another beer. I nodded my thanks and settled on my stool.
Sometimes, I think about what my stripper name would be. I think I would like to be Willow Ray or Amaretto or Porsche. These girls had all the typical names. There was Jade and Kashmir and Swallow. I watched attentively. I had a few more beers (the bearded lady was in competition with the pimp), and just when I was getting ready to excuse myself for the restroom, Lactacia came on stage.
Yes. Lactacia.
Men crowded around the stage like it was a holy site. Curious, I joined them. She was magnificent. Braids. Boots. An a$$ that started in the middle of her back. She could do that thing with her a$$ where her cheeks move independently of one another. I practice that move every day, but Lactacia had it down. Solid. And her breasts...tremendous. I asked the bearded lady for a dollar to tip her.
I approached the stage. Smiled. "I think you're amazing," I said before I realized how creepy it sounded. I held up the dollar. She bent over and took the dollar from my hand with her breasts. My hand was caught between her breasts for a split second. Right before she sprayed me with breast milk.
The men in the club roared. I retched.
I think I am lactose intolerant.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:58 AM
101 Comments:
How the hell do you get breast milk if she wasn't pregnant? (Maybe she was).
I've got a better idea though...maybe she had a sort of milk pump in her silicon breast implants? Urgh...
That's what you get for going to a strip joint alone and getting up close and personal with a stripper whose jugs are loaded! You make me laugh so hard.
Babe, I think you need post-traumatic stress counselling. But that ass move is hot. Took me hours to master it.
Puss
You're brave. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth! Maybe you could teach her the raw bacon trick for her next act.
Augh!
rose,
I am trying not to think about it.
lizza,
I feel like such a pervert.
puss,
You are one sexy b*tch.
wg,
Maybe that can be my stage name, "Raw Bacon." Raw Bacon strips makes me laugh.
I've also spent time trying to think up a good stripper name. I think I'd choose Amber and then I'd go by Amber Rose. There's probably tons of people named that already though. Whenever I think of a good name, title, or theme for something I google it and it's already been done =(
Note to self: Don't sit in the front row when Lactacia is dancing.
marika,
Without context, I am unsure as to what Augh means. I am thinking: huzzah or sweet or amen.
veronica a.k.a. amber rose,
It's so hard to be original when everyone else has already thought of it.
icl,
It's worse than going to a Gallagher show.
oh my god!
hilarious.
geez, i love your blog. if you don't already, you should write for a living.
and i thought that all stripper/porn names went like this:
use the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.
for me that is: jezebel thorn.
not sure that would market well.
rebecca a.k.a. jezebel thorn,
According to your formula, my stripper name should be: Baker Stevens. That name just screams sexy.
I love this blog too. Thanks for coming by.
1
If you closed this down to menand made this blog an all-women's exclusive club, put in a couple of poles, and let everyone roam around naked, put in some music, you could make a fortune in here. You could have your own little shoe store over there...
Tell me something I don't know. Oh yeah.
Also know a pole dancer called Amber Rose.
Puss (so damn full of herself today)
0,
Perhaps instead of word verification, I should implement gender verification. Please step over here, drop your pants, and cough. Sorry, my hands are cold.
puss,
Tell Lactacia that the Queen was not amused. All I could think was, "B*tch, this is dry-clean only!"
We're not speaking. I hate those gimmicky strippers - so doing the splits upside down on a pole while reciting the works of Shakespeare isn't good enough for them?
Sue her for the garment-related trauma. Mind you, any settlement would be paid in $1 bills.
Puss
PS: I think the CEO must have been snooping through my windows - that's my house he's describing!
1
Now that you have the men identified, and the women stripping, and the shoe store humming, and you need is a name for this emporium? I'll bet puss has that one figured out too! Or else someone does. Or is that a contest?
Puss
I was at your house when you were training me to be a better lesbian. don't you remember me? Snif. I was the one in the red snakeskin boots and wig that slept on the floor because her nibs had the couch.
puss,
I think payment from Lactacia would come in rolls of change.
Also, you have to keep an eye on the CEO. He is everywhere.
0,
I love contests. I love protests even more.
Can I see those in a 6.5? Thanks.
Wow. You were in a live version of "Vistor Q". Otherwise known as hell.
0,
I will have to ask you again (politely) to return the boots.
karma,
Yes, I live in a world full of disturbing events.
CEO
Er, I think I must've had one of my gin baths that weekend (see yesterday's comments) because the recollection is hazy. What colour was the wig?
I just bought red snakeskin peep-toed stilettos with a cute little ankle strap for my upcoming Vegas trip. They are naughty. Mist, if you wear the boots, we'll look like sisters (weird sisters? Must stop reading Shakespeare).
Puss
A world of disturbing events? I wish I had your moxie :)
If only you had some wheaties... it would have been perfect! *GAG*
oh i wish i could have such adventures, but at least you are :) Makes my work day much more entertaining :)
I long for independently articulateable a$$ cheeks!
Mist,
i love the way you make us laugh, cry, or even get nauseated in your posts without bias or premeditation.
Sorry for the errors in my post yesterday. Your one sexy wench even if your really a famous Author.
oh good god that is gross!
Some were menstruating and others were lactating. Oh, Jesus.
Well, I've seen worst. I've actually visited a "ghetto" strip club that featured... large women and I went to a combination steakhouse stripclub last summer (who can eat in such an atmosphere?) where the strippers mingled w/ the "gentlemen" (that would be us).
Somehow, hearing about 26 year-old Amber's three small children interfered w/ the whole objectification process.
Plus, I noticed that strippers that are technically on break don't like to be stared at. What's the difference?!
That is gross. I would have freaked out.
I have been to a strip club once and I went to the stage because all the guys were pushing me and another girl said she would go too. The stripper pushed her boobs across my face and they were all sweaty. Yuck. Never again. Although I must say they had the cleanest bathrooms I have ever seen.
I think I would have retched too...
strangely enough, Gallagher was also my first thought. Then Visitor Q.
Has anybody called the La Leche League about this woman? Sounds like she could feed the poor, or single handedly start our national breast milk bank...
Maybe the strings you saw weren't tampons, but ripcords.
Lactacia will need a new name once her baby is weaned.
Did you retch ON her? Seems more than fair, considering she doesn't have to worry about dry cleaning bills.
Bejeweled - check
Ass that starts by shoulders - check
Breast milk - lactose intolerant? I am so glad I wasn't drinking anything It would have flown out of my nose.
A) the name should have given you a hint
and
B) I just gagged so bad I thought I would vomit into my trashcan, so you know, thanks
My best friend is a stripper named Ginger Snap. Shes like cirque de solei on a pole man, I swear. Anyway, about strings. ONE time my friend went out there and danced both dances, and when she came back to the dressing room, her friends said "Um...your tampon string was hanging out." She says that now she just shoves the string up there or cuts it off.
must learn ass moves.
And Veronica? My NIECE is Amber Rose. Don't think she's a stripper, but you just never know.
No one told you about the disposable face shields at the door for those incidents?
Even with the milk in the face...tell us, for just that split second....was it worth it?
Hmmmm, now I know where my ex-girlfriend was hanging out.
I was going to mention that formula for stipper names, but Rebecca beat me to it.
Oh well.
Mine would be "Sparky Longview".
1
Don't you remember, you lent the red snakeskin boots *and* the red wig to wandering girl to take to the islands with her so she could have some fun. REMEMBER. *I* was passed out on the floor. You had slipped off the john into the bathtub, the gin, remember....remember now?
1
Tell you what, try on these new red snakeskin 6.5 we just got in here at the shoestore. They are a perfect match for the pair that Puss wears. Note the 3" stilleto heel!
puss,
You have got to stop troubling your pretty little head with all that nonsense. Try to only read fashion magazines. I only look at the pictures.
monkey,
I think the bearded lady owns me and my moxie.
dallas,
I pegged you as a Special K man.
monkey,
It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it.
margaret,
Practice, practice, practice. Also, close the door and the blinds when you practice. Just trust me on this one.
Thanks for coming by.
mayren,
It's like being right there with me, isn't it. I'm glad I didn't have to pay the $3 cover charge for all of you. As for the the figurines, I'm still not sure how I feel about everything. Let's just never talk about it again.
miztris,
I have lots of time on my hands. I leave the house once a day just so that I'll have something to blog about. Email me if you'd like the full text of the "I Do it for You" speech.
claudia,
Sure, if you're not into that sort of thing. Apparently, I was alone there. It was the most popular performance of the night. I wonder who came next.
matt,
I can eat sushi anywhere. Amber's children were in the backseat of her car while she worked. I saw it on the news.
reba,
A clean bathroom makes me happy. What did you say the name of this place was. I mean, if I ever have to use the bathroom. Not because I like a good strip show. Ahem.
Thanks for coming by.
ranger,
Everyone else went wild. I think it was an initiation rite of passage. I am one of them now.
Thanks for coming by.
mis,
I had completely forgotten about La Leche League. I would call them, but I don't want them to protest outside the club and throw buckets of soy milk on the patrons. Those LL Leaguers are worse than PETA.
hearts,
Ripcords. There are actual tears in my eyes from imagining the possibilities here.
maiden,
If she had fake boobs, it would have been soy milk. I like soy milk. Even rice milk is good.
desiree,
You should know by now that when you come to my place you will a.) probably laugh, but b.) you might puke too.
jessie,
She cuts it off? That's really brave. I'd be afraid that it would get lost up there. I ask my doctor enough embarassing crap without having to make an appointment for tampon removal.
tug,
I didn't see anyone named Amber Rose in the club. But I'll keep my eyes out for her.
drib,
Once again, I was unprepared. Maybe it was a little bit worth it. Especially since it wasn't my dollar.
matt,
I wasn't going to bust you out online, but she did have "MATT" tattooed on her a$$. Not that I was staring.
pissy a.k.a. sparky longview,
C'mere Sparky. The bearded lady has a dollar for you.
0,
I am beginning to think that you have an unhealthy attachment to the boots.
according to formula i would be Heidi Hartweg... that just rings pole dancing, Cirque de Soliel contortionist reject stripper, doesn't it?
ewwwwwwwwwww breast milk? How many men stood there with thier mouths open waiting for a taste? And if you aren't filming this shit, what good are you going to do for You Tube?
(love it ~ would have told her she was amazing too)
melanie a.k.a. heidi hartweg,
I left my camera at home. Sometimes, I do that on purpose. I have poor judgement.
That is the greatest story I have ever heard.
Thank you.
I tried that whole pet and street name thing to figure out my stripper title and I came up with “Rasta Fifeshire” (ah, the joys of being a West Indian living in Scotland!)
I've said it before and I'll say it again...mist1, you're a comedic genius! I so want to be like you when I grow up!
greg,
Don't mention it. You can experience it for yourself at a little place called "Club Golden Showers." Beware of the bearded lady.
nubian a.k.a. Rasta Fifeshire,
You can be my apprentice. If you document anything on film, you will never grow up, if you catch my drift. I have people everywhere.
Mist,
Read? A magazine? I just watch TV – more pictures less words.
CEO
3” heels are for wimps. Mist and I start at 6” and go up.
Puss
Bravo Mist for another entertaining story. I am also a big fan of live girls as opposed to dead ones. I am an even bigger fan of live, nude girls.
um, they couldn't invest the time to shove the strings up their twats before dancing?
but breast milk>bullet wounds on a dancer anyday.
I'm surprised there isn't a black market for breast milk on the Internet. Oh wait, I spoke too soon.
You know, nothing discomfits me like close proximity with a performer - for example, I went to a production of Sweeney Todd once in which the performers ran around in the audience, and I was literally inches away. What am I supposed to do in this situation? Can I honestly maintain my fantasy/reality dichotomy? The actor is standing right next to me... I could clock 'em in the groin or pants them. I can see how chunky their lipstick is. They are looking right back at me - there is eye contact. Do I participate, somehow? Am I part of the show, or am I not?
It'd almost be easier if I could always shout "Right on!" and stick a dollar bill in someone's thong.
puss,
I don't know...you threw Shakespeare out there pretty freely earlier.
mr. shife,
Yes, live nude is much better than dead nude.
k,
You know how it is when you're in a rush to get on stage. You just can't be bothered.
anastasia,
I never looked below her bearded chin. It was enchanting.
matt,
Milk, you can find. It's human breast milk cheese that's difficult to find. Not that I've tried.
saurabh,
I will try to remember to say, "Right on!" so that I don't sound like such a pervert in the future. It's clear that you an be found in classier establishments that I.
Dang... I get rifling through all these comments keeps you busier than a three peckered retard in a titty bar.
I have seen them there legs somewhere before....
Later Yall.....
Have the three peckered retard call me. I'm used to one peckered retards.
My girlfriend & I actually talked our husbands into taking us to a strip club a while back - they sat in the back while she & I were in pervert row, flinging coins at her crotch until I won a poster & a lap dance. I'm telling you, class oozes out of my pores.
You should have ordered a coffee. Think of the money you could have saved on cream.
If you think Lactacia is bad, just stay away from the stage when Projectilia Vomitte is dancing.
My stripper name would be Scruffy Hilldale! And don't you think of taking it cause I know you want to! In fact, I'm going to copyright the name right now cause I know how you are - you are already telling people to call you Scruffy!!!
darlene,
As long as you didn't ask the girls to make change, you are all class in my book. Unless it was like a whole quarter or something.
steph,
You just can't order coffee in a place like that. The alcohol kills all the germs.
av,
Thank G*d the bearded lady whisked me away from there.
nihilistic,
Dudes, call me Scruffy!
That could potentially be the perfect stripper defense mechanism.
I will have to tell my Mom to do that the next time she is dancing and gets hassled.
killer,
The woman that smashed beer cans between her boobs was pretty scary too. Also, please tell your mom, that I'm sorry about the roll of quarters. It's all I had.
Thanks for coming by.
Hmmm. What can I say to this? My friend at work was displaying her love of adult stores. She said her friend was there for a gag gift so she gave her a big dildo and told her that would produce plenty of gagging. She was very animated about it. I saw her tonsils and all the fillings she's due to have replaced.
c,
I knocked a filling out once with mine. Tell her to see her dentist before using that thing.
tug,
Amber Rose is a great name, but then again I probably don't need to change my name anyway since somebody told me yesterday that Veronica sounds like either a stripper's name or a very religious person's name. I'll just leave it to people's imagination in which direction my character leans...
veronica,
Amen. I hope my vulgarity has not offended your delicate, religious constitution.
1
My best yet, matching red flashing platform and stiletto heeled sharkskin that were swimming in the Australian Barrier Reef yesterday, 18" complete with power retractable ladder, built-in gyros for the ultimate in stability. There are only two pair in the world, for you and Puss, and that was not ME floating in the tub of gin. I was in the vodka.
OH MIST!!!!
I needed a pick-me up today and for some werid reason this story gave me one!!
I am laughing so hard my eyes are watering. THANKS!!!!
0,
Is there room in the vodka for me?
nerd,
I didn't recognize you with clothes on.
karmyn,
That's what I do. Making the world a funnier place, one blog at a time.
Well, in all fairness, there was warning in the name. :P Wonder why men find that so appealing? Frankly, I'd have retched too!
Kristyn
kristyn,
Lots of people have strange names. Myself included. If I was cautious of people with names like this, I never would have befriended LaTrina.
1
There's always room for you in the vodka. I even saved you some olive juice. And what;s so funny about the name '1'?
0,
Extra olives please and thanks.
Nothing's funny about "1," but do you know how hard it was for me when Gorillas in the Mist came out?
Mist,
No offense taken. I have unconventional religious beliefs.
veronica,
Whew. I didn't want to make your G*d angry.
I am lactose-spray intolerant.
Lactacia???? I have some sordid strip club stories myself but.....
Lactacia????
Damn.
1
4 olives on 2 toothpicks.
I thought we handled the gorilla situation pretty well with my hairy chest and the adoration grunting. I am available for more grunting almost anytime!
nwjr,
You will want to take a Benadryll.
kiyotoe,
Ooooh, tell me some of your sordid stories. I love sordid stories.
Thanks for coming by.
0,
I didn't know that was you grunting on the phone last night. Sorry I hung up on you.
1
Not to worry, that was just me practicing adoration grunting while I had the flu. I'll be better soon.
0,
Get well soon.
1
How about if I call around 7:00 and try a test run?
0,
I prefer unsolicited grunting calls. It's best when I am unsuspecting.
1
That was me at 7:30 pm, when you called the police.
0,
Thank Gawd for my local police department. I love to be Protected and Served.
1
Did they bring wine? I'm coming right over!
ew.
0,
They brought cuffs. Which is almost as good. Almost.
srg,
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
What a crazy story. Wow. That seems like the nastiest thing to ever happen. I don't know what I would have did had someone shot breast milk near me. Great blog post!
lrl,
Sadly, that's not the nastiest thing to ever happen to me. Not even in the top five.
Thanks for coming by.
1
Wow, handcuffs and wine. Not to worry, I'll help you drink the`wine! What are friends for, anyway?
0,
Thanks. Do you know where the keys are to these things?
1
Let me see if I can go get a set from a cop. There must be a female cop around. You know how I am with women.
0,
You are amazing with women.
(blushing)
1
Can I just hold you for a while, and maybe we could make out? It's because I actually like being with women. Really. And since we broke 100, would you promise me another thing, please. About that gift I wanted to give you. You'd let me, please.
0,
There out to be a prize. I'm going to pour myself a bottle of champagne. I mean, glass.
1
Irene, good night Irene
Irene good night
Good night Irene
Good night Irene
I'll see you in my dreams
0,
Who the hell is Irene? I'm a very jealous kind of girl.
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