To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Driving Mr. Daisy


In a moment of poor judgement, Mr. Daisy asked if I would take him to the hospital for surgery. I am not even a good candidate if you need to be picked up from the airport. I have rules when I drive: 1.) Do not touch my stereo, and 2.) Only scream if I am screaming.

I agreed to do it. That was before I knew it was surgery on his hammer toe. When he told me, I giggled. "Hammer toe" sounds an awful lot like "camel toe" to me.

I have never seen a hammer toe. I asked to see it. Mr. Daisy refused. He knows that I have a strange fixation with disgusting feet. "I don't want to see my feet on your blog," he said. "Trust me," was all I said. It is ridiculous that he trusts me enough to drive him to the hospital, wait in the hospital bar until he's ready to go, and then drive him home, and yet I am not trustworthy enough to see the hammer toe.

When I picked Mr. Daisy up, I found him slumped over and drooling into a newspaper. I slapped him. He had taken a Xanax. "A little anxiety about the procedure?" I asked. "No, it's for your driving." I would like to state that I drive just fine. It's the talking on the phone, finding the right song, plucking my eyebrows, and applying mascara that get in the way.

The Xanax pretty much knocked Mr. Daisy out by the time we got to the hospital. I filled out the paperwork to the best of my ability. I am now next-of-kin.

The 30-minute procedure took all day. The surgeon took several time-outs and there was a half-time show before the insurance clock ran out.

I was getting hungry. I found the cafeteria. The smell of hospital food wafted through the air. The door was locked. Lunch ended at 2:30. Time on my phone: 2:36. The snack bar was in the new wing, past ICU, past Labor and Delivery, and past the psych ward (stopped in to apologize for the time that I smeared my feces on the wall). By the time I reached the snack bar it was almost 4 o'clock. I grabbed a tray and sensibly selected a grilled chicken salad and green beans. Also, I selected a slice of pizza and a bowl of soft serve ice cream and chicken tenders and a slice of yellow cake and a Diet Coke with Lime.

Finally, the nurse called me to let me know that it was time to pick Mr. Daisy up. They wheeled him out. His right foot was in an open-toe boot with a velcro closure. I was the two-inch long yellowed toe nail and the chicken fingers in my stomach churned.

When we got in the car, Mr. Daisy produced a vial filled with clear fluid. He reached over my shoulder from the back seat and shook it in my face. A little eggshell colored orb danced inside. "Here's what they removed!" he proudly exclaimed. I screamed in disgust and swerved into oncoming traffic.

Mr. Daisy popped another Xanax.

Mist 1


52 Comments:

At 9:53 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

They really let you keep what they pull out of you? Oh ew...

Although I suppose they do the same over in Labor and Delivery, so why not Hammer-toegy?

Was it a nail?

 
At 10:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jessie,

All you have to do is ask for a doggy bag.

 
At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
If Daisy wants to direct what's going on, he should do it as a hood ornament than from the back seat, don't you think?

 
At 12:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I can hardly see over the hood as it is.

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger Marika said...

It's called multitasking, and you're obviously a master (mistress?).

A lady at work just got back from having gall stones removed and she has them on her desk in a little jar for anyone who wants to see. She also eats her lunch at her desk. I don't want to think about that too much.

 
At 1:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Life is never boring with Daisey.

 
At 1:43 AM, Anonymous rose said...

Ye-uck!! :-) I wonder, will Mr Daisy put it on his mantlepiece, or keep it until the children ask to see 'daddy's hammer-toe'? I really don't think I would want to keep something like that.

 
At 2:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did they accept your apology? ;-)

 
At 2:29 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

You just totally got me back for the kitten comment of a few days ago. Ewwww.

 
At 4:07 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I think I just inherited your gag reflex. Hospitals are bad enough but surgery? Ageing toenails? Vials containing body parts?

Excuse me, I need to vomit.

GP

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

marika,

That has got to be against company policy. Report her for being repulsive.

Thanks for stopping by.

shadow,

Boring would be okay if it meant that I didn't have to see fragments of removed toe.

rose,

Thanks G*d Mr. Daisy never had children. They would be scarred too.

odat,

I am notoriously bad at apologies.

alison,

I do what I can.

puss,

See how much in common we have?

 
At 5:40 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Sounds like my beautiful feet.

 
At 5:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a really good driver too but no one believes me. My friends seem to have problems with my throwing hexes at the really bad drivers.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger Matt said...

the hyjinks. you sound like bill murray pretending to be a young woman.

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

So, was he keeping the hammer toe fluid for memories, or was he just wanting to get you back for your driving? He should be thankful, I mean, with all you have to do, you ate the buffet of food before you got behind the wheel. You are quite the multi-tasker...Hopefully you didn't overload yourself by wearing the vibrating panties as well.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

You are lovely, inside and out.

karma,

Please don't put a hex on me. Sometimes, I cut people off. It's not on purpose, I just don't look first.

matt,

You have discovered my true identity. Please, I just want to blog. My celebrity status gets in the way.

darlene,

I never thought that he was getting back at me. I will have to kick him in the foot for that one.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

You should have taken advantage of his "xanaxed" state before and after to take pictures of the hammer toe before and after.....

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Dan said...

This is what a hammer toe looks like.

WARNING: Not for the faint-hearted!

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Hospital BAR? I'm going to the wrong hospitals dammit. And what did they do with the hammer?

 
At 7:12 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I knew there was a reason I'm still in therapy - I am an individual!!

Puss

 
At 7:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really want to Google "hammer toe" bc I don't know what that is, but I haven't had breakfast yet.

Right now I'm imagining it's like hammer shark.

 
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't touch this!

 
At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
If you can't see over the hood, then as the hood ornament, when you turn into traffic, he'll get the message that something's wrong, and maybe it's time to put the vial away, or eat it.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger normiekins said...

that is so repulsively funny....LOL....nothing like a little lunch snack in the cafeteria...!!!! ;)

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger Crankster said...

I really like the idea of a hospital bar. Too bad my hospital doesn't have one.

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

Hindsight is MadDog 20/20.

dan,

Have you seen my flat head screwdriver toe? I can't find it anywhere.

tug,

I saw Hammer slumped over the hospital bar. His career is over.

puss,

Each of my personalities says the same thing.

lee,

Dan (see above) has provided a handy link for your enjoyment. Might want to let that food settle.

dallas,

2 legit 2 quit!

0,

Maybe I should mount the vile vial on the hood as my hood ornament. Does the word "hood" strike you as funny all of a sudden?

norm,

Much of my life is repulsively funny. Hence, my finely tuned gag reflex.

crank,

You need to select another facility for your care. Mr. Daisy's hospital has a partnership with the Betty Ford Clinic.

 
At 9:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You wimp. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

I get waxed. I'm not wimpy. I just react strongly to floating (former) body parts.

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

When I was 11, my appendix burst and they removed it. I have always resented that the doctor didn't even offer to give it back to me in a jar.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

It was your appendix, he should have at least offered to take a picture of the two of you together.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Let's hope he never develops "Hammer Penis." It sounds like a good thing to have, but it isn't. I assure you.

 
At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like this story. Very funny.
I also figure they can keep whatever they pull out of me at the hospital. No need to take that home. And you sound like an excellent driver. I will let you know when I need a ride from the airport.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Meg said...

You have the most interesting life experiences! I go away for a bit and come to find you just as entertaining as always...thank God some things never change :)

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger Winters said...

Hello.

This "surgeons giving you stuff they've taken out of you" is a worrying trend.

I can think of some examples of operations where you really wouldn't want to "take it home", but I won't go there. I'm about to have dinner.

 
At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Your hospital has a bar?

Scrap the trip to Iowa. I'm coming to you.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lbb,

I can handle seeing a penis in a jar. I have two in my fridge right now.

mr. shife,

I am an excellent driver. Thanks for noticing. When you need a ride to the airport, I suggest that you tell me that you need to be there two hours earlier than you really need to be there.

meg,

Looks like you've been through some changes.

winters,

You are such a tease. I want to hear what you'd rather leave behind.

Thanks for coming by.

britt,

I will pick you up from the airport!

 
At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still can't look.

Shit, I don't need to know everything.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger K said...

you know you wanted to see his camel toe.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

And now I will skip dinner!

 
At 4:48 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Yucky! I'm surprised you didn't crash.

Thanks for the HB!

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

YOU should have gotten that Xanax.

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

C'mon, you know you want to.

k,

Maybe I took a quick peek when hewas knocked out from the Xanax, but I'll deny this if he ever asks.

nihilistic,

That's me; helping people diet. I feel like Jenny Craig.

icl,

I hope the old lady crossing the street makes it.

wg,

Can you speak to my doctor about this? That's what I've been trying to prove for months.

 
At 6:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've lived in ignorance of what a hammer toe is my whole life and have been quite happy thank you very much.

 
At 6:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

Happy that I could inform you. Any time.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger C said...

Hmmm Xanax. Well I don't get many takers with my golf cart driving skills. I have actually been driven to my destination by prospective passengers that dared to even sit next to me. Today I was nearly hit by a truck while driving my 15 mph road hog. I made a left hand signal with my arm and the guy behind me thought I was telling him to pass me. What kind of driver's ed are they teaching these days?

 
At 7:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Signal? Driver's Ed.? I think I've heard of those before.

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Just the thought of keeping something like that in a little vial makes me want to puke. Blech.

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

You didn't pop the xanax?

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

I wish.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Did they remove his testical? I don't get it.

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

For the record, I have never seen Mr. Daisy's testicles.

 
At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Ooooooooo, Show and Tell!

 

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Name: Mist1
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