To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, October 20, 2006

Lewd Plumbing



I am awfully handy around the house. I can change all the lightbulbs that I can reach and I know how to clog and unclog a drain.

Mom called me the other day and mentioned that the drain in her shower was a little sluggish. Always helpful, I offered my expertise. I told her to use the most powerful and toxic chemicals that she could get her hands on. She listened attentively and followed my useful advice.

The following is the account of what happened, according to Mom:

The next morning, Mom unearthed a bottle of Drain-O in her basement. It was vintage Drain-O. Not the liquid kind. The crystals of pure fire. While she knew that this bottle was potentially a valuable antique, she decided that she had no option but to use it.

She took her morning shower as usual. She got out and wrapped a towel around herself. Leaving the hot water running, she grabbed the bottle of poison and attempted to pour it down the drain. After years in the basement, the granules stuck together. She shook the bottle. She tapped it on the side of the tub. The steam from the hot water began to soften the crystals slightly and the chemical process began to take place.

By "chemical process," I mean that the lye based agent in the bottle began to heat up. Rapidly. Lye heats to 200 degrees (I think that's like -8 Celcius) in about 2.5 seconds (I don't know the metric conversion for seconds).

The bottle was rather warm. Mom, in her infinite wisdom, grabbed a second towel to wrap around the bottle. She continued to pour. When the fumes began to strangle her, she decided to call it quits. Plus, her hand was beginning to melt into the bottle.

She ran downstairs with the bottle in hand. I'm not sure where the towel around her body was lost, but she continued to run. She threw open her patio door and ran outside. Nude. Towel and scorching hot bottle in hand. She lobbed the burning, smoking bottle over her patio and into the large lawn separating her condo from the rest of the community. Did I mention that she was completely naked?

After several hours, she retrieved the now melted bottle from the scorched grass. Unsure of what to do with it, she looked for a place to dump it. Noticing that her neighbor's cars were gone, she disposed of it neatly in their trash can.

I told her that this was a crime. Almost as bad as the whole motor oil on the neighbor's plants incident (accidental, I'm sure). I told her that the neighborhood association was sure to kick her out for this offense. "What are you going to do?" I asked.

"I'm going to deny it, of course. I'll tell them that it's all lyes."

Mist 1


75 Comments:

At 8:36 PM, Blogger Matt said...

your mom sounds almost as stupid as mine. The house was on fire and she was wondering if we should call the fire department. Yes!!!!!

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger Steph said...

She's lucky she wasn't knocked unconcious by the fumes!! LOLZ. I like her moxie.

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger Tug said...

I learned quickly with you (I know - quickly-learning-me!) not to take a drink while reading your blog. ThankyouthereisaGod! Crack my ass UP once again. My drains shall stay clogged...

 
At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

Oh, excellent punchline.

 
At 9:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg that was bad, bad, bad...
but funny!!!!! ;-)

peace

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Hilarious as always! I hope your mom learned a valuable lesson - next time she should at least put on a bra.

 
At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha, great story.

I hope your mom was all right, but what about the clog?
Lol, i hate clogs, try Liquid Plumber.

 
At 3:28 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Holy hell. That's freakin' hysterical! I think your Mom might be voted "Miss Condo" after that event!!!

 
At 4:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Your poor Mom, sending old Draino where a simple hand grenaide would do.

 
At 4:01 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Nothing like ending on a bad pun! Very funny, Mist. And very heartening that a woman of your mother's generation has such a free and easy relationship with her body and nudity. There's a cleaning agency in Germany that sends naked men round to clean your house; your mum is very progressive doing the housework naked.

 
At 4:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

When the dryer caught on fire, Mom screamed "Help, call 411!"

steph,

The whole neighborhood saw her moxie.

tug,

You are a quick study. But you really should have your pipes checked.

alison,

I cannot take credit for it. It's all Mom.

odat,

I died laughing when she told me. I had to tell you.

karmyn,

You also give good advice.

anon,

I didn't even ask about the clog. Now I feel bad.

wg,

I would be so proud of her if she was Miss Condo.

 
At 4:45 AM, Blogger Mindless Dribbler said...

A nude lady with a melted bottle of Drain-O is illegal in 47 states.

I know a perfect lawyer for her.

Let's see if she can't at least get her sentence reduced.

 
At 5:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

ceo,

We don't trust Mom with explosives. Caustic chemicals, yes. Explosives, no.

puss,

There's more than one way to get a naked man in my house I guess.

drib,

R.I.P. Johnny Cochran.

 
At 5:08 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I can't tell you how much I enjoy your writing, I could sexually pleasure it, thats how much. Yes, much. Can you taste that ***!

As for your poor mother. What a character. Seriously, naked, burning, acid and showers. I think thats what got me thinking of *** in the first place.

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

You do realize that you just used *** and my mom in a sentence, right?

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

So now we know you're a chip off the old block ... like, we now know where you gets it from. Does your Mom blog?

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Unless there were specific warnings on the label - I think she has a great law suit on her hands. Not only bodily harm but add in the embarrassment - yep its a sure fire winner.

 
At 6:35 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Sweetheart, there are plenty of ways to do that - trust me. I'll pass on the list.

Puss

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Not only was her drain now unclogged, I'm thinking Mom has a future as a Streaker in the cards.

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger Mr. G said...

Mist...I hate to point out the obvious...but watch your Mom very carefully over the next day or so...it'll show you exactly what you're going to be like at that age!!!

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Dan said...

I have never, in my entire life, heard a happy story that even remotely touched on clogged pipes.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Groan. You are quite punny.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

I wish Mom blogged. I'd like her to be a guest blogger here. Maybe I'll ask her.

cheeky,

We could probably make some serious $$ from this.

puss,

Clearly, you are more successful with naked men than I am. I can get them naked, but I can't get them to clean.

maiden,

I hope I never have to bail her out.

mr. g,

I get more and more like her everyday. It's okay, I want to be just like her when I grow up.

dan,

I'm happy your first time was with me.

avitable,

It's all Mom.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger desiree said...

I have been trying to comment for days now but it will not freaking work so if by some miracle this posts then hallelujah.

My favorite part of this post? "I don't know the metric conversion for seconds" currently laughing my ass off.

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1, I've recently come to terms with the fact that, aside from looking very similar to my father, I might eventually wind up to be like him.

Someday, I'll have a grey beard and will complain to another old man about how there are too many "damn" ads in the newspaper. But I'm holding out on the Weather Channel.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

desiree,

Blogger has been making me crazy lately. What is the metric unit of time anyway?

matt,

Over breakfast this morning, my dad said that today's paper was thick enough to be a Sunday paper. Have your dad call mine. Either that or we're siblings.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

It's all a question of attitude, Mist. I make them call me 'Mistress' and if they get housework, they've got off lightly. You can make very good money doing this sort of thing. I can recommend it if you are unemployed or, if you have no hobby, you can make your evenings and weekends pay!

Puss

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Meg said...

At least she took her shower first....better to be clean and naked than just naked.

You always make me smile :)

have a great weekend!

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Meg said...

At least she took her shower first....better to be clean and naked than just naked.

You always make me smile :)

have a great weekend!

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Meg said...

At least she took a shower first! Better to be clean and naked than to just be naked.....

You make me smile!

Have a nice weekend :)

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

It is like all my prayers are being answered. Are you my fairy Godmother?

meg,

I love your optimism.

 
At 1:25 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

ahahaha naked mom running on the patio. Well, I guess we'll never find out if that bottle was worth anything now. Did it at least unclog the drain?

 
At 1:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

There goes my inheritance.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Mist1, you're the bloggiest blogger that ever blogged in the blogosphere.

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Busted. You got me, Mist. What gave me away? The wand? The tiara? The iridescent wings?

Puss

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I bring the blog. I get bloggy with it. I'm blogtabulous. Thanks for noticing.

puss,

Have you thought about that costume for your next show? Would the wings just get in the way?

 
At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I want to do your housework, just like Puss said.I', unemployes. Do I bring my own feather duster? Draino?

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

I see Mom is the type who likes to save time...unclog the drain while I'm in the shower, that will save me about 5 minutes, hmmmmm, anyways, that cracked me up, I needed the laugh, as usual, you came through!!!

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I especially love the image of a naked mom lobbing the melting bottle of lye like a discus across the well-manicured lawn.

If you ever commission a statue of her, that would be the pose.

 
At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are brilliant. A true wordmaster!!

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger cinders said...

You didn't ask your mom how she managed to clog her shower drain, did you? I thought things sorta... um... thinned out later on...

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger C said...

I wonder how many people saw her. They are probably not even thinking about her illegal dumping after that show.

 
At 7:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would make a great sitcom scene!! Obviously on HBO, what with the nudity and all ;-)

 
At 10:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Bring feather duster. Wear pearls.

anastasia,

I highly recommend that you do not use Drain-O in the shower. Also, don't use your blow dryer in the shower. Read the warnings.

hearts,

That's how I want to remember Mom forever. Immortalized, naked with a look of sheer terror on her face.

claudia,

This is Mom's story. All events and quotes are pretty much how it happened. More or less.

cinders,

I do know how all that hair got into the drain. I cannot bring myself to blog about it just yet. I keep thinking about it, but I'm still too disturbed to laugh about it.

c,

Mom claims that only people above ground level could see her. I argued that this didn't significantly lower the number of people that she potentially flashed.

michael,

Have HBO call me. I'm willing to work out a deal with them. I would like to be cast as myself. Only with a larger wardrobe.

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

OMG, that was SO worth reading through just to get to the punchline.

Freakin' hilarious.

 
At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Cover Your Mouth said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog and, thus, directing me toward this hilarity. I'll be reading.

 
At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i concur. definitely good sit-commish material!

muchos kudos.

 
At 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

definitely sit-commish material!

muchos kudos.

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Hmm, nice idea, Mist. The tiara would definitely fall off when I hung upside down off one leg but the wings could work depending on size. Will experiment and let you know...

Puss

 
At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL What'd I tell ya about that potent drain stuff???? And yet you told your own Mother to do this....lolol

I'm glad she's ok. But how are the pipes? ;)

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

Hey Mist, how've you been? I hate neighbors! ;)

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

I doubt anyone saw the Drain-O. ;)

Kristyn

 
At 12:02 PM, Anonymous hodgepodger said...

What a funny recant. I am sure it was not funny to your mom at the time! LOL!

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cym,

Hilarity served almost daily.

Thanks for coming by.

brooklyn,

Do you know anyone in TV? I am not opposed to having a highly succssful sitcom and enjoying celebrity status...although, I would have less time for blogging. I guess I had better think this through.

Thanks for coming by. Muchos Kudos.

puss,

A tiara with a chin strap would work. However the glamour factor would be greatly compromised.

mouse,

I remember what you said, but sensible advice isn't really my thing. Mom and I actually had a conversation about her pipes over drinks the other night. Am still disturbed.

nerd,

Welcome back. Have missed you.

kristyn,

Update: The bottle was wrapped in a bright red towel. She should have chosen a subtle color.

hodge,

Mom was in tears when she told me about it. At least she can laugh at herself.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger Neil said...

C'mon, is this true? No one can be dumber than my Mom!

 
At 8:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I can wear the pearls, but aside from that, I haven't a thing to wear. And that just NOT sit-com material.

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

neil,

My mom challenges your mom to a duel.

0,

We will have to go shopping. I have some impolite questions to ask about how (and where) you wear your pearls, but I will keep them to myself.

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger ChiefMommy Owl said...

I refer to my neighbor's trashcans as our family pet cemetary.

Sara :)

 
At 9:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chief,

That is some seriously funny sh*t. I wish I had thought of it. With your permission, I may borrow that one.

 
At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
The safest place possible. You wear the really big imitation pearls, and if you need them, you can just pull them out really fast, and you're ready to go.

 
At 11:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I have always wanted a set of anal pearls.

 
At 11:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I have always wanted a set of pearls up my ass!

 
At 6:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

We have so much in common.

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
There's some mutual and fully consented adoration possibly probable approximately. Yup, uh yup.

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I love mutual and fully consented adoration. That's such a rare find.

 
At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
And, I'm awake too!

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I am too. It was a lovely midmorning nap. I can't wait to do it again for my late afternoon nap.

 
At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
And, there's the adoration at the beginning of each nap too. Yummy! What's even better is when you can have multiple yummies! Ummmmmmm good!

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I refer to adoration as "extra credit."

 
At 6:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Funny, I always thought of adoration as an appetizer.

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

You are a romantic.

 
At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
How nice of you to notice.

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Am very observant.

 
At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You are delectable

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I couldn't agree more.

 

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Name: Mist1
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