Mom, Dad and Gorgeous Sister (GS) came for a visit. I love them. F*cking love them. Thank G*d we live so far apart.
I am the only person in my family that has not made out with a girl. Even Dad's dog has humped a girl's leg (R.I.P. Tobie). I am not opposed to making out with a girl, but I am waiting for the right girl to come along. We have to wear the same size shoe (6.5 but I can work with a 7 if she is smoking hot).
In an effort to show Mom and GS just how cool I am, I took them to my local lesbian bar. We left Dad in the hotel. Mom didn't bring her ID. I could have killed her. $20 later, we were in. We headed for the bar. Have I mentioned that I f*cking love these people? I ordered dirty martinis for GS and me. Mom wanted a beer. The bartender suggested a light beer. After I pried Mom off the bartender's face, she ordered a Newcastle. I hope the bartender grows her eyes back.
We found ourselves talking about the good ol' days. The days when Mom told me, "Mist, never get married. Never." And the days when I had to explain to Mom what a 40 was. Sigh. GS looked around blankly. She is too young to remember the good ol' days.
After a few drinks, the urge to dance was overwhelming. I am a sexy b*tch when I have had a few martinis and a little champagne. My trademark move is the one where my arms are flailing clockwise over my head and my hips are swirling counter-clockwise. It is rhythmic and it is hot. Seriously.
There was no one on the dance floor. No one. Unless you count the couple writhing in the corner. I stepped over them and began my sexy b*tch dance. I have all the moves. I reversed the direction of my hips and when my brain figured out that I had changed direction, I was able to swing my arms in a new direction as well.
I dropped it like it was hot.
Many drinks were purchased for me.
Mom was on her cell phone. She is 19 years old. I grabbed the phone, "Mom can't talk right now. We are sexy b*tches." Click. I am awesome.
Mom insisted that I keep my arms down when I dance. I did my best, but the arm thing is like my second best move. I cannot control myself when the Dance speaks to me. The music was awful. I brought sexy back. I also brushed my shoulders off. I think I even raised the roof.
GS would have liked to die on the spot. Our G*d is not a merciful G*d and so GS had to bear witness as Mom and I grinded on women with beards. Women wearing camo and fleece.
Finally, it was time to go. Mom had been propositioned by a lumberjack and I was telling the only man in the place that I had aspirations to be a rap star. We put our arms around each other and staggered back to the hotel.
The next morning, we had brunch at the hotel. Kids eat free and my parents are cheap. GS and I had to tell the server that we were under 10. I think she believed us, but it was a hard sell as we smelled like vodka and ashtrays. That should be a Tommy perfume. Vodka and Ashtray by Tommy. I would buy the gift set.
Dad asked, "So what did you girls do last night?" My lovely sister threw up in her pumpkin pancakes. Mom scrolled though her text messages wondering just what the f*ck she had said to people the night before. I said, "Oh, nothing" and ordered three bloody mary's.
I miss them already.