To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, October 23, 2006

Famn Damily


Mom, Dad and Gorgeous Sister (GS) came for a visit. I love them. F*cking love them. Thank G*d we live so far apart.

I am the only person in my family that has not made out with a girl. Even Dad's dog has humped a girl's leg (R.I.P. Tobie). I am not opposed to making out with a girl, but I am waiting for the right girl to come along. We have to wear the same size shoe (6.5 but I can work with a 7 if she is smoking hot).

In an effort to show Mom and GS just how cool I am, I took them to my local lesbian bar. We left Dad in the hotel. Mom didn't bring her ID. I could have killed her. $20 later, we were in. We headed for the bar. Have I mentioned that I f*cking love these people? I ordered dirty martinis for GS and me. Mom wanted a beer. The bartender suggested a light beer. After I pried Mom off the bartender's face, she ordered a Newcastle. I hope the bartender grows her eyes back.

We found ourselves talking about the good ol' days. The days when Mom told me, "Mist, never get married. Never." And the days when I had to explain to Mom what a 40 was. Sigh. GS looked around blankly. She is too young to remember the good ol' days.

After a few drinks, the urge to dance was overwhelming. I am a sexy b*tch when I have had a few martinis and a little champagne. My trademark move is the one where my arms are flailing clockwise over my head and my hips are swirling counter-clockwise. It is rhythmic and it is hot. Seriously.

There was no one on the dance floor. No one. Unless you count the couple writhing in the corner. I stepped over them and began my sexy b*tch dance. I have all the moves. I reversed the direction of my hips and when my brain figured out that I had changed direction, I was able to swing my arms in a new direction as well.

I dropped it like it was hot.

Many drinks were purchased for me.

Mom was on her cell phone. She is 19 years old. I grabbed the phone, "Mom can't talk right now. We are sexy b*tches." Click. I am awesome.

Mom insisted that I keep my arms down when I dance. I did my best, but the arm thing is like my second best move. I cannot control myself when the Dance speaks to me. The music was awful. I brought sexy back. I also brushed my shoulders off. I think I even raised the roof.

GS would have liked to die on the spot. Our G*d is not a merciful G*d and so GS had to bear witness as Mom and I grinded on women with beards. Women wearing camo and fleece.

Finally, it was time to go. Mom had been propositioned by a lumberjack and I was telling the only man in the place that I had aspirations to be a rap star. We put our arms around each other and staggered back to the hotel.

The next morning, we had brunch at the hotel. Kids eat free and my parents are cheap. GS and I had to tell the server that we were under 10. I think she believed us, but it was a hard sell as we smelled like vodka and ashtrays. That should be a Tommy perfume. Vodka and Ashtray by Tommy. I would buy the gift set.

Dad asked, "So what did you girls do last night?" My lovely sister threw up in her pumpkin pancakes. Mom scrolled though her text messages wondering just what the f*ck she had said to people the night before. I said, "Oh, nothing" and ordered three bloody mary's.

I miss them already.

Mist 1


71 Comments:

At 12:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't even know what to say to the fact that your whole family has made out with a girl...ya got me on that one!!

However, I love the sexy b*tch Dance!! I was right there with ya!

 
At 1:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Help, I can't stop laughing! The members of your famn damily all seem so hucking filarious! Your Dad seems to be the levelheaded sort of dude, though.

 
At 3:43 AM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

I am a sexy b*tch when I have had a few martinis and a little champagne. LOL, yes after a few shots I, too, am ever-so-hot, even though the same moves make me look like a helicopter making an emergency crash landing when I'm sober.

Family... love to see 'em come & love to see 'em leave...Did GS finish her pancakes?

 
At 3:53 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist, I drink Martini’s and champagne (preferably in the same pint glass), have size 6.5 feet and, remarkably, have never ‘made out’ with a girl either. I think you might be my alter ego – I don’t speak to my family and I certainly wouldn’t drink with them. Oh, and I don’t have that level of co-ordination it all has to go in the same direction or my brain melts.

What are you doing later? I know a good bar; the girls are REALLY friendly in there…

Puss

 
At 4:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, that's a wise move, waiting for a girl with the same shoe size. Very resourceful!

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

We looked so cute when we did that hip bumping thing.

lizza,

I think Dad was a little sad that we didn't take him out. He told us all about a movie he watched where Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by a shark. That made GS throw up again.

slb,

I try not to do that move sober. My coordination is much better drunk.

puss,

Dirty martinis?

Can I borrow the shoes you wore at the ball?

lee,

I am nothing, if not resourceful. That's what people always say about me. "Boy, that Mist...she sure is resourceful."

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

HAHAHHAhA - that just made my Monday morning!!! Priceless!!!

Now go make out with a girl - go on - do it - they're usually better kissers than guys. I blame finding that out on too much whiskey sour.

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

That's a great story.

 
At 5:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am a fabulous dancer after a couple of drinks. But then I also will make out with lots of girls after a couple of drinks. My birthday is a perfect example of this.

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

You don't happen to wear a 6.5 do you? I read your blog and your poetry has wooed me. Also, you're pretty cute. Can I buy you a whiskey sour?

debbie,

I have a great family. We are A Lot when we're together.

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

Yes, a birthday is a great excuse to make out with lots of girls. Sadly, my birthday isn't for several months. I wonder if Halloween is a good reason to kiss girls?

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger Tug said...

my family's coming in Nov...can I send them to you & borrow your family instead?

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

There is a small fee for family rental. Would you want one parent or two? There is a special on GS in November. If you act now, I will throw in Crabby Grandma for free.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Must make out with a hot chick. It's great. So are dirty martinis. Whatever are you waiting for crazy girl. You run your hands through your hair when you dance, don't you? I dance like a stripper, let's get together.

 
At 7:34 AM, Anonymous Romerican said...

Awesome story! Too bad we couldn't be there to get in on the action. I know I'd look hot in heels before the shots...

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

I cannot run my hands through my hair. It is start-over hair. One false move and I have to get back in the shower.

I love the stripper dance. It mortified my sister. Why the hell does she think there are poles on the dance floor?

romerican,

Next time, I will post my family's itinerary.

 
At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd go dancing with you but I have problems flailing my arms while trying to stay upright in heels.

 
At 7:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just love family get togethers!

Peace

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

Apparently, it's not that important to remain upright while dancing. The ladies in the corner found it unneccessary.

odat,

Maybe I should go home for Thanksgiving afterall.

 
At 8:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So your whole family has made out with the same amout of girls that I have...

Excuse me while I go kill myself. ;)

Steve~

 
At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Mindless Dribbler said...

So, you showed them a good time in the ATL...

Only you Mist, only you.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I have big feet :(

But , if I were a man...maybe I'd have a big....shoe?


Ok, ok - whiskey sour for everyone - this round is on me!!

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger Matt said...

What a family. Just wait until you stumble upon your dad's leather chaps outfit.

Mmmmhhmmm. Two snaps.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LOL Any chance of you puting your hot beech dance up on youtube? Did I ever mention that I think I'm a lesbian born in a man's body. ;)

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

My family, like the God of our fathers, was not merciful, either. They punished fun with plagues and pestilence. No dinner. Grounding. Not even the smallest crumb of fun escaped their notice. Sometimes there were thunderbolts.

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger desiree said...

The whole time I waited to hear that you had made out with a girl. I am rather cute, if I say so myself, and wear 6-6.5 shoes but I'm just not into the chick thing but rest assured if I were you would be my first choice.

I would throw up into my pumpkin pancakes even if I wasn't hung over.

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Sounds like a kick-ass family to me! Next time bring dad along - to take pictures...of course.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I'm jealous, I miss those days.

Oh, by the way, did you carry your 40 in a paperbag?

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger cinders said...

Shoot, my shoe size is an 8. However, with much toe scrunching, and mashing down of the heel, I may be able to squeeze into a 7.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Ah, man. I wish I were a lesbian. Then I could get into the really cool bars.

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

You can swirl in oppposite directions?!?! Damn. That is hot.

 
At 11:52 AM, Anonymous Cover Your Mouth said...

A friend and I came up with a theory in college that the drunker one becomes, the higher their arms must rise above their body while dancing. So, yes, during a night of drinking, the compulsion to wave your hands in the air, wave 'em like you just don't care, is likely inescapable.

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger normiekins said...

dying of laughter over here....sexy bitch dance...drop it likes its hot....what a riot...!!!

LMAO at lizza comment ^^^^ too.

The Tommy cologne comment is priceless.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

When I come to visit I want the same treatment!

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

Ohhh, a suicide! I have driven men to suicide before, but never from my blog. Please post your suicide note on your blog so that I can comment.

drib,

Technically, we were in Decatur. Pronounced Dick-Hater.

nattie,

You are still really cute. I will have a double, please.

matt,

The most disturbing thing I've ever found are Dad's personal ads. Sometimes, my sister and I respond to them. It's a lot of fun for us.

nerd,

I forgot my camera. I didn't know that you were raised by lesbians. I was raised by wolves.

hearts,

I think I read about your dad in Greek Mythology 101.

desiree,

In college, Andy and I promised to get married if we remained single by a certain age. I feel like I have a pact with you too. If you are ever into chicks and my family is in town, we will totally make out. We will not have pumpkin pancakes.

cinders,

That's a little too Evil Stepsister for me. Please, I want you to be comfortable. Especially if we're going dancing.

britt,

That's what I've been trying to tell you. Hot, hot, hot.

cym,

Did you major in math or physics? You are brilliant.

norm,

I think you may be mistaken. Pricless is a Calvin Klein unisex fragrance.

nihilistic,

Promise not to bring any of those freakishly large praline spiders with you from home. I've seen the video. I'm not kidding. Leave them at home and I will totally take you out dancing.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist,
Clean, dirty, slightly grubby, I'm not fussy - a large glass of practically neat gin is the important bit for me.

The shoes are yours but best not to wear six-inch heels when drinking. Unless you have comprehensive health insurance.

Puss

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I don't plan to walk in them. I was thinking that a couple of muscular men (or women) would carry me around like a princess.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

That is a good move. I know that move. I think I'm married in one or two states because of that move. We were separated at birth. Come pick out any clothes you want.

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

With three sisters, I always had to sit on the sidelines and watch as the women in my family performed all these bonding rites.

All dad and I ever did was get butt wasted and disturb total strangers. Ah, memories...

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger C said...

I had vodka the other night in a last ditch effort to get rid of my under the weather feeling. Did not help...mybe I should drink the rest of the bottle.

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

wg,

I had better be careful. Dressed in your clothes and swinging my hips could get me married off too. That would be a disaster.

crankster,

Your dad sounds like fun. Very few things give me more pleasure than disturbing total strangers. Butt wasted is a given.

c,

Definately drink the rest of the bottle. I couple vodka with over the counter remedies. Seems to increase effectiveness.

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Oh, I'm not married in most states. Just the ones where certain deeds give you the "common law" title. I don't go to those states anymore. It would be a disaster for me too.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger misanthropster said...

yeah, crankster, don't forget about the time your dad threw the cat at you. :)

And you should attempt the sexy dance with a hoola hoop. one of Crankster's sisters did that at my bachelorette party (avec drag queens, no less) to great success.

We've made fun of her ever since.

 
At 8:24 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

What?

No family photos?!?!

 
At 8:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I'm trying really hard to stop laughing, and relate. Waiting for it. Relating. yes, there it is, I remember making out with girls. It's dim, but I can recall, wll, maybe not. Maybe Steven has room for me to go with him.

Wait, your father has a movie!

 
At 10:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That beats my family get togethers where we all play Trivial Pursuit, my grandfather argues that every correct answer is wrong and we all leave without speaking!

 
At 11:05 PM, Anonymous Veronica said...

Hm, at least everybody didn't stop dancing and leave the dance floor when you went on it, which is exactly what happened to me on Saturday. All three people left the dance floor when my friend and I got on it. I think they wanted to get a better view of us from the sidelines. Either that or I should have worn deoderant.

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

wg,

Damn common law. Got me once too. Buy a TV with a guy just once and you are screwed for eternity.

mis,

I have never been able to manage a hula hoop. I guess there is no motion in my ocean.

Thanks for coming by.

pissy,

There's this little thing I like to call anomynity. Did I spell that right? In any case, I learned about it in AA and then I stopped going. Still, it prevents me from posting photos.

Thanks for coming by.

0,

Please don't jump. I need your morning meeting. For the record, my father looks just like Bill Murray. He has several movies.

michael,

Trivial Pursuit is a full contact sport in my family. So are puzzles.

veronica,

Never underestimate the power of deoderant.

Welcome back to blogging.

 
At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey

then we get into forbidden words.
it's the code, you know.
Just use your imagination
and we'll all get by!

thankyouverymuch

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger Marika said...

My god, I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. Brilliant!

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0

I love it when you sing to me.

marika,

Stay tuned...I've got a few more laughs up my sleeve.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

OMG - Okay, every time I read your blog, I think to myself that it's the funniest story I've ever read - but, you've outdone yourself this time, mist. This is clearly the funniest. You and your Mom busting a move with the butch lesbians. Now, there are some pictures to show the grandkids.

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger Dogwood Girl said...

Dear God, you are funny, and a good write to boot. . . I love your family now, and I haven't had one single martini. . . .

 
At 9:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

This one made me laugh too. We had a blast.

dogwood,

Can I buy you a martini? You need to catch up.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 10:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Oh my gosh, gee whiz, I seem to have 2 dozen dirty vodka martinis here and maybe another 36 bloody mary's and it appears that it's only you and me, and the rest of your blog here to drink them.

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

What is everyone else going to drink?

 
At 11:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
It's BYOB, whatever they bring with them.

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Thanks for clarifying, you know how bad I am at deciphering acronyms.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I wondered why your Mom never returned my phone call from that night...

 
At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
you just hadn't drunk enough

 
At 4:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

What'd you say about my mama?

0,

I have that problem all the time. Especially in the mornings.

 
At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
It wouldn't be such a problem if you would stay up drinking later. then you'd have the problem in the afternoon, like me. I've got it back to late afternoons now, but I'm still working on it!

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Please send a flowchart or graph detailing prime wine times.

 
At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
This is easy, all time is prime wine time. The issue is the quality of the available wine.

 
At 6:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

This bottle has a real cork in it!

 
At 7:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
A real cork! We're burning prime wine time!

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. I am bringing classy back.

 
At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
You have also brought delicious back! I just love double entendre.

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

So does Mr. Spears.

 
At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
We have a winner

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Where'd I put those prizes?

 

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Name: Mist1
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