To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, October 30, 2006

Pick Me Up



I have this fantasy. It's not that original. It's the fantasy where a guy picks me up at a bar. He buys me a drink and before you know it, we are going home together. It's cliche. I know.

In an effort to make this fantasy a reality, I decided to stage it. D and I were going out the other night. I gave him explicit directions. I always give him explicit directions. He is awfully good at following them.

It was simple. All he had to do was let me sit at the bar and look sultry for ten minutes. Maybe fifteen...tops. Then he had to sit at the bar. Not next to me, but close enough. Buy me a martini. Dirty martini. When I asked the bartender who sent over the drink we were supposed to exchange glances. I would do that whole raise the glass, take a sip, lower my eyes and blush thing. I had rehearsed it. It was convincing.

From there, he would come over to where I was sitting and we would make brief conversation before going home together. Simple.

On paper, this was a beautiful plan.

To be fair, D couldn't have prevented what happened.

I got to the bar. I took my seat. I ordered a martini. I did my I-am-so-bored-with-this-scene look. That's when my ex approached.

We get along well. He's the only man that I used to sleep with that doesn't want me dead. We hugged and chatted about how good I look since the last time he saw me. I agreed. I've never looked better. "How's tricks?" he asked. I did that playful punch thing that is soooo cute. Then he motioned to the bartender. I did need another martini. He's still got it.

The bartender brought another filthy dirty martini. We toasted to his health and to my wealth.

And that's when D walked in.

Suddenly, he looked pathetic. Why did I buy him that Multiple Orgasm Donor tee shirt? Why was he retarded enough to wear it? And why tonight?

For a brief moment, I thought that maybe I should explain. For a second, I didn't know what to do. I looked at my ex. I looked at D in that stupid f*cking tee shirt.

I pretended not to see him.

I said fifteen minutes tops, dammit.

Mist 1


83 Comments:

At 10:13 PM, Anonymous the ceo said...

1
The best laid plans of men and mice oft go awry. Not the very best, just the best.

 
At 11:12 PM, Blogger Greg said...

Wow.

...That's all I got.

 
At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL
Your life should be on tv :)

 
At 2:05 AM, Blogger Killer said...

D should have just rolled with with it. It could have made the whole thing even better if he could have bought you a drink, stole you away from another guy, and then took you home.
The Tshirt is your fault. You should have included clothing directions in your explicit instructions.

 
At 2:08 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

OH MY GOD! You are a classic. Hands down. Seriously, hands down. I mean, wtf.

 
At 2:09 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

OH MY GOD! You are a classic. Hands down. Seriously, hands down. I mean, wtf.

 
At 2:52 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

An opportunity missed, I fear. You should have got D. to buy the agreed Martini - after three Martinis, you could have taken them both home...

Puss

 
At 3:21 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Holy craptastic, batman! That's hysterical. It's why I never plan stuff. Nothing ever works out the way I want it to, and nobody believes what really did happen. It's all falls into the "truth stranger than fiction" catagory!

 
At 3:22 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

BTW, I'd like to link you on my site. Will do so tonight if you don't yell and scream at me before then. Not everyone wants to be associated with the madness.

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I've laid men, but never mice. You're into some weird sh*t.

greg,

That's more than D got.

mouse,

I'm worried that if I was on tv, it would be the evening news.

killer,

You're really good at this. Have you done this before? You aren't on a soap opera, are you?

orhan,

If by "a classic" you mean "a mess" then yes, yes I am.

puss,

I've never wanted to bring two men home. I can't keep two men occupied.

wg,

Apparently, I am not a planner either. Who knew?

 
At 4:10 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Can't keep two men occupied?! Good lord, woman, is not difficult; one does the dusting and the other vacuums. Simple.

Puss

 
At 4:31 AM, Blogger singleton said...

"We hugged and chatted about how good I look since the last time he saw me."
Poor D, LOL!, am guessing you haven't hugged and chatted about how good HE LOOKED the last time you saw him....!!!

 
At 5:06 AM, Anonymous Veronica said...

I like to plan things. I write down elaborate schedules for how I'm going to spend my time, when I'm going to get up, how many hours I'm going to study, what errands I have to run. I highlight my schedules in pretty colors. I put stickers on them. I hang them on my fridge. But I never follow them. In fact, I don't even look at them again after they're made.

 
At 5:40 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

*sigh* Wow. That's all I got.

We need to party together!!!

 
At 5:41 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

I guess in the midst of your plan, you failed to instruct D as to when the proper attire would be for your fantasy. Plans never go the way we want them to, huh? Whatever made him think thhat you'd be interested in a man who's wearing a "Multiple Orgasm Donor" t-shirt??? men.

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

If D didn't approach you right there and then, you marry him.

 
At 5:59 AM, Anonymous Heather said...

I always find it best in those situations to dress him as well, sometimes even cue cards with sample pick up lines. I totally think it'd be even more perfect for him to steal you away in front of an ex.

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

You always give me great ideas to spice up my life.

Note to self: Lay out desired clothing night before for DH when going on a pre-planned rendezvous.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I tried that with my ex wife.

Both time she went to the wrong bar.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I tried that with my ex wife.

Both time she went to the wrong bar.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I tried that with my ex wife.

Both time she went to the wrong bar.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I don't think you're gonna get any shoes outta D now....

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

my fantasy involves a bar fight between my currnt beau and my ex, only my ex is way hotter than my ex and I don't currently have a beau, but you got amazingly close to my fantasy.

 
At 7:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

next time you plan something...at least have D. dress to kill!! i mean if you're going to play it out, make it good! LOL

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Men 101: ALWAYS instruct how to dress. Especially when you plan on being associated with them.

 
At 7:42 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

One way or another, TIMING always fucks up a really good fantasy. ;-)

 
At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1, here's what you do next time... and try to visit a bar where you know you're not going to run into someone you've slept with.

The same play with D but with a slight twist. After buying you the drink, he approaches.

"What?!" you say not too loudly but loud enough for everyone to hear.

You throw the drink in his face and stomp out. Once again, D is flummoxed.

 
At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what? A simple blazer would really have dressed that "Multiple Orgasm Donor" T-shirt up.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

But, but...were the martinis good? That's the important part, dammit. Men come and go, alcohol remains the same.

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

That's hilarious. Poooooor D. Hey, if you'd played your cards right, might have opened up the door to a whole new fantasy.

Hmmmm.......

 
At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think D should have been Naked... that would have been more fun!

PS A few halloweeny pics up...check em out! EEEK!

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

Please send me a copy of your instruction book. Mine seems to be missing a few chapters.

singleton,

I really prefer to talk about myself. It's part of my charm.

veronica,

It's the planning that counts. My to do list has remained the same for months. 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss.

nattie,

Call me. We'll totally hang out. Warning: Boyfriends and spouses think I'm "trouble."

darlene,

I bought the shirt as a joke and also as a form of encouragement. I never thought he'd wear it in public.

maiden,

I'm really bad at that whole being a wife thing.

heather,

Cue cards! Great idea. I wonder if D can read.

icl,

Glad I can spice up your life. I feel like I'm adding value. Must put that on resume.

ranger,

So, you like the smart ones, huh?

pissy,

He actually called to apologize. I think a pair of shoes would say it best.

margaret,

Hold on...I'm savoring your fantasy right now. Only, I am the star. You're right, your ex is really hot.

claudia,

I think I'm putting D on unpaid vacation for awhile.

tug,

I just thought he'd have better sense. I don't know why I thought this. I just did.

britt,

Timing is everything.

matt,

I like the way you think, but now I have to find a bar where I'm not going to run into someone I've slept with. I'm thinking somewhere in Ohio.

As for your fashion advice, you are so right. I think I saw that in the Ralph Lauren fall collection.

ctw,

Martinis were excellent. Extra olives. Mmmm.

kiyotoe,

D totally missed the boat.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

We never would have gotten out of there alive if he had been naked. Trust me. We've had a very similar experience. Only it was in a stadium.

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger Fancy Dirt said...

I hope D didn't think your ex was a secret surprize part of the plan, because I can't imagine a more shriveling surprise for a guy. Well, I can, but I'm trying to stay on topic.

 
At 8:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey. I have that shirt.

Wait, no I don't...but I want it. ;)

Steve~

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

It's in the post. In exchange, could you send me instructions on how to do that tongue thing we spoke of?

Puss

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

fancy,

That's shriveling? He got mad once when I turned on the cold water in the shower. I like to rinse my hair in cold. It makes it shiny. It also makes him shrively.

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

I was going to burn the shirt, but since I know that you're interested, let the bidding wars begin.

puss,

You are a lifesaver. Will send instructions for tongue thing. Be careful. A little tongue can be dangerous.

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

You're a pal, ta. That's what I'm hoping for. I like to live on the edge.

Puss

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

You might want to go shopping for a good lipstick and liner. You will need something smudge proof.

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Don't encourage me. Last time I counted, I had 90 lipsticks. Anyway, smudging is always part of the fun. Particularly with the married ones.

Puss

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I went on a lipstick binge last week. Seven new shades of gold. Gold? I'm not sure what I was thinking.

 
At 11:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao! this started off sounding like such a good idea too! :D

 
At 11:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor you and poor D.

timing is just one of those evil things that always messes up.

(I've finally got back to your blog, seems my work was blocking it!)

 
At 11:57 AM, Anonymous The Mindless Dribbler said...

Awww damn...I feel sorry for D. I'm sitting here embarrassed for him myself. Well, as long as he got laid, it's all good.

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

There are seven shades of gold?! Get me to the cosmetics counter! I thought I had every colour...

Puss

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

It seemed perfect. I guess I still got my needs met.

drib,

I wonder who picked him up after I left.

puss,

Adding insult to injury...they were all on sale.

 
At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The idea was good but the product was priceless.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I'm still waiting for my T-shirt you promised me!

 
At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Another classic, shattered. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Vodka's cold, want a martini?

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

shadow,

That's because I blog about vibrating panties and lubricant.

sara,

That's a great MasterCard commercial.

nihilistic,

I'm still waiting for my template. We're even.

0,

Dirty. Please and thanks.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger melanie said...

ewwww. ex'es. oh well. i hope that things went smoothly after the awkward moment passed.

how many martinis did you eventually have?

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Hello new Interweb friend--I like you! I like you a lot.

I think it's a *brilliant* idea to leave the bar with a boy who's name you already know! That cuts down on the awkwardness so much in the morning. Or, you know, late afternoon, if you roll like I do.

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

I had enough vodka to forget all the bad times for a few hours.

123val,

Always have a pet name. Buddy, Tiger, Honey, Muffin, etc. are all good options to get you out of the awkward moment.

I am a morning girl. I try to leave bright and early before any of my neighbors are awake and can see me coming home in last night's clothes.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger anastasia said...

For me, hubby always had to act like a retard in front of my ex. I think he still would, thank God we're in Florida and he's in NY, so those days are gone. I remember always thinking, "What the *uck?"

 
At 5:47 PM, Anonymous tthe laughorist said...

If this is true as is, it proves beyond a shadowfalcon of a doubt the ol' cliche about life being stranger than fiction. Straight out of Chekhov, your story. Or O. Henry (but he's too clever by half). You are a keen and clever observer, Mist1. (Do you derive your monicker from the movie that I've only caught parts of, "Play Misty for Me"?

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger Steph said...

D forgot the one simple rule of life; You snooze. You lose.

Fact.

 
At 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I found this nice bottle of cabernet from 1993. I think it'll go pretty nicely with the vodka. What do you think? Maybe a cracker?

 
At 7:11 PM, Anonymous kristynmarie said...

I wish all the men who have ever slept with me wanted to me dead! Then, maybe they'd stop f*cking emailing me. I mean, sheesh, I've been married nearly 7 years, in a relationship nearly 8. :P

Kristyn

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger C said...

I would have loved to see the look on your face.

 
At 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It sounds like it didn't go quite as planned? Kudos for trying. Next time you plan this, you should also pick the wardrobe ;-)

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

I think the best fantasies are the ones that surprise you, know what I mean?

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

Wise move. I will have to move across the country to avoid further humiliation.

laughorist,

I thought O, Henry was a candybar. Mist 1 = Missed One. People do, when I'm gone.

steph,

The voice of reason. Could you call D for me and explain?

0,

Please, I try not to use terms like "cracker" on this blog. Don't want to offend anyone.

kristyn,

Does your husband know about your relationship?

c,

A look of utter dismay. Is not cute on me.

michael,

I gave him too much credit.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Hindsight is MadDog 20/20.

 
At 9:02 PM, Anonymous LRL.com! said...

You get an A for effort. LOL

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lrl,

I have always performed well on standardized tests.

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LOL Take about awkward moments. ;)

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nerd,

It worked out well...for me.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

OMG Mist1...too funny! I missed this earlier due to the cookies in my computer, but glad I caught up today!
You had such a GOOD PLAN! I take it your ex know's your current DH.
Wearing that crazy tee shirt, did you tell the bartender that your DH was really just somoeone you used to date... LOL, like before you married him.
Good plan Girl... try it again, but have your DH look like a pimp rock-star billionaire from fantasy-land instead! Maybe then if you do run into a blast from the past , they won't recognize him!

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

slb,

D is just D and not DH. Although, he did offer to take me away from all this. My parents would kill me if I eloped again.

 
At 7:24 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

That's as good a reason as any.

Did the t-shirt do any good? I assume it came with a manual. :<)

 
At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Does your boyfriend the ice hockey player know anything about the wimp boyfriend that thinks he's a designated hitter (DH) in baseball? I certainly hope not. Things could get REALLY ugly if you lost Igor's red snakeskin boots.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I almost hate to leave a comment as you are the 69th comment. I should give a prize to the 69th commentator.

The manual was me, "down, lower, faster, there, there, there..."

Sorry, should have warned you of graphic nature of my reply.

0,

It's Ilya. And a little jealousy is good for him.

 
At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
As long as you don't really expect me to keep track of all of these BF. Does Ilya know the secret of the Multiple O?

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Ilya knows a lot. Why do you think he wears #17? It's not just because I was born on the 17th you know.

 
At 5:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Why else, beside blind devotion, does Ilya wear the #17 on his jersey? Is that a personal goal, orgasm-wise?

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

See? He really is perfect for me.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger rdl said...

This is great, when you gonna write the sequel? making me think longingly of my former escapades.

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

rdl,

You know, a sequel is a good idea. I'll have to call D.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Bsck to Project Ilya

 
At 8:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Mmmmm. Ilya. He's playing well again. I'm sure it's because of me.

 
At 7:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Do we know if Ilya is any good in bed? Do we have proof positive that he likes girls?

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

All hockey players like girls.

 

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