To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, November 06, 2006

Am Getting Dummer By the Minute


I am not a good listener. It is mainly due to the fact that I talk a lot. Sometimes, I talk myself hoarse. If I knew American Sign Language, I would have the most shapely fingers of anyone I know.

I have met my match. Moronda is the only woman on earth that talks more than me. We haven't seen each other in fifteen years. We were six when we last saw one another (that's right, I'm claiming 21 this year). For the record, it is impossible to catch up on fifteen years in four days. I am considering cutting off my own ears.

I think that substance is important. Everything I say is fascinating. I prefer to talk about my shoes and what color I should dye my hair next and the Ozone layer and stuff. Moronda doesn't share this belief in the importance of substance. Instead, she prefers to talk about every relationship she's had in the past fifteen years.

Aaron, Rich, Doug, Donald, Tim, Rasha, Vic...I needed a flow chart. Luckily, happen to have a large flip chart. I set up the easel and began taking notes.

We charted 2006. Seven men. It was a slow year. Tim tied her down for a few months. I got a cramp in my hand and had to take a wine break. After a bottle of wine, Moronda exclaimed that if we used seven as an average number of men per year and assumed that she had been f*cking for 15 years, well...that's a lot of guys. I still can't do the math on this one, but I am sure that it's a lot of guys.

"Wow," I said. "You must have a huge CD collection."

She looked at me like I was retarded. "I have an iPod and a lot of XL tee shirts to sleep in."

"You'd better get married." It was the best advice I could think of.

Mist 1


78 Comments:

At 9:31 PM, Blogger Killer said...

Moronda sounds nice. I have a lot of music for her ipod and an abundance of extra tshirts.
Anyone who is knocking out atleast 105 guys a year has got to get around to me sooner or later.

 
At 9:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

killer,

105 guys a year!! Are you sure?

So, if Moronda left my house at 7 a.m. traveling east at 65 mph, and you left your house wearing an XL tee shirt and nothing else, what time would you two meet in Indianapolis?

 
At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you and Moronda should be on TV with as much fun as it sounds like you both have. Laverne and SHirley and Lucy and Ethel weren't half as entertaining!

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

They were no where near as adorable as we are. We are also really smart.

 
At 10:39 PM, Blogger Babs1 said...

Killer's not so good at math. And no, you are not a moron!!! I am just finally getting around to everyone on my blogroll today. And blogger isn't emailing me all of my comments. I'm almost caught up!

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

I never knew there were so many insane men and women out there. I've heard the same thing from friends and coworkers. In a guys point of view. Since I can count my relationships on my fingers and toes. I thought these guys were blowing smoke up my a%&, or they just kept hooking up with crazy people. I learn something new everyday. :)

 
At 2:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You seem to have the most interesting friends...there's S and there's Moronda. If they have blogs, I wonder what they're saying about you, aside from the fact that you're fascinating? (which we all know anyhow!)

 
At 3:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

its a hell of a lot of boys thats for sure but i knew a girl who had a record of 160 in one year...

 
At 4:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

babs,

I would double check the math, but I can't remember how to make my phone do the calculator thng.

nerd,

How many fingers and toes do you have?

lizza,

Moronda is a MySpace girl. She even updated it during dinner from her Blackberry. Blogging from my phone is one thing, but that is totally different. Damn internet addict.

shadow,

So, like how many boys a month is that?

 
At 4:37 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I relate. Recently got together with gf I haven't seen in 11 years. A lot of talking to be had. Thanks for the chart idea. Gonna need a lot of paper.

 
At 4:52 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I had heard strange things about the Deep South but I hadn't realised the age of consent was 6. I think my gag reflex is going to kick off...

Puss

 
At 5:51 AM, Anonymous rose said...

Seriously, she started having sex when she was 6? Mind you, for the record my longest lasting relationship was 3 months.

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Did you give her directions to the free clinic for more condoms? She might need them over that Ipod. It might be toss-up.

 
At 6:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

XL tees have lost all their magic...or maybe it's just men.

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Tell Moronda I want my XL Chicago Bears tee shirt back. My girlfriend gave that to me.

Just kidding?

 
At 6:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that is a lot of guys. Although I did have a friend once who went through about three guys a week for the five years that I knew her...

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

Alternately, you can use post it notes and create a matrix on the wall.

puss,

Okay, maybe we're not 21.

rose,

You started sleeping with people at three months?

ctw,

Bless the Pill.

lee,

XL tee shirts aren't even good for sleeping in. They scream, "I got this from the man before you!"

kiyotoe,

If you want your tee shirts returned, you should write your name on the tag. Otherwise, you give up all rights.

choo,

Always gotta one-up someone. Your friend makes my friend look like a saint.

 
At 7:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

7X15, wow. I feel so wholesome now :)

 
At 7:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I did things the other way around. I liked sticking with the same one until I got it right. Lots and lots of practice. Benefits of a classical education.

 
At 7:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

monkey,

I am practically a virgin in comparison.

0,

You must have started having sex before adult ADD and ADHD had been invented. Kids these days...no focus.

 
At 7:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ooh, sounds like a fun weekend...I think Moronda is making up for me....

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

You should be feeling pretty tired right now then.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger normiekins said...

i'm so darn jealous.....!

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

norm,

You can sleep with seven guys a month too. You just have to budget your time.

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

Why listen to someone else talk about relationships with people you don't know, when you can talk about your own shoes?

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

margaret,

Exactly. Plus, you should see my new boots.

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Well, who wants to be 21 anyway - life only starts to get fun after 25. After 30, it's a ball...

Puss

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I am only as old as my a$$ looks.

 
At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We all know that charts and statistics lie! Ha!

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

everything I say is fascinating as well. That's over 100 penises.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, I had a girlfriend when I was 16 & she had slept with 16 guys. She thought the average of one guy per year wasn't so bad. By the time she 18, she was averaging two guys per year. By the time we were thirty, she was averaging one husband every ten years. LOL, it's all in the perspective.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

So does Moronda's memory. She's not counting the two that she had already slept with.

stilt,

I think the correct word is "penii."

slb,

Wait, I need to write this down. This is like another word problem.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Ditto - as you well know.

Puss

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Tug said...

If she's that busy with all those men, when does she have time to use the t-shirts? Sleep NAKED I say!

 
At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never let the beat drop, Mist1.

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

*wink*wink*

tug,

Men love to see chicks in their tee shirts. It's a strange male behavior.

matt,

My own drummer.

 
At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scoring clothes from EX's is one of the advantages to being gay... I make sure it's his favorite....

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

Finally, I am gay! I have scored quite a few items of clothing from exes.

 
At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got married way too young. no wonder my CD collection is lacking. :(

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

How about the XL tee shirts? Got plenty of those, right?

 
At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why no small tees?

She a small'ist? ;)

Steve~

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Always entertaining. Would have loved to have been a little fly during that conversation!!!

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

I'll suggest that she start sleeping with small men. That way, some of their clothes might fit her.

meg,

C'mon over. There's always room for one more. You do drink red wine, don't you?

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I too have an Ipod and some XL tee shirts

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger Doug said...

Yeah substance is definitely better than garbage. Yeah she sounds like a fun girl. Send her my way. haha

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

So wait...you're Moronda? Please don't be mad about the nickname. I think it's cute, don't you.

doug,

We'll need to look at your XL tee shirt collection first.

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger K said...

you know, i think you are great listener between the breaths you take when you talking.

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Isn't it great how those numbers add up? Add a couple a year, almost monk levels, and a decade makes you into a slut. And then, you sound even worse when you're trying to explain it to a potential girlfriend because, let's face it, the only way to get sluttier is to pretend that you aren't a slut.

Which is why honesty isn't always the best policy.

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

I'm a heavy breather too, so sometimes, I can't hear you. It's just that I'm pausing.

crank,

So wait, are you telling me to be sluttier or just act sluttier?

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger Poetiq Expression said...

If I knew American Sign Language, I would have the most shapely fingers of anyone I know.- (c) Mist 1

This is one major reason why I love to read your blog. LOL. I agree totally. Some people listen while other's wait to speak. I guess I have a little of both.

*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger nordicbitch and texass said...

hahahahaha. love it.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Talking is over rated. But drinking. Drinking is good.
I'm sorry, did you say something?

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

You know what burns me? A man's studliness is measured by the amount of times he's hooked up with other women - and a woman is a ho.
Hey, at least she got an ipod & some jammie shirts out of the deal.

p.s. what is the actual number that turns you into a ho anyways? Just curious......

 
At 6:05 PM, Blogger C said...

Well at least it is not a huge STD collection. An IPOD and lots of XL tee shirts to sleep in?? - she needs to get more out of these guys than dick and shirts. Oh wait that's the low gold digger in me talking. Sex is a good commodity - as long as it's good.

 
At 6:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

poetiq,

I keep my fingers in shape other ways.

I will see if I have any valuable advice or deeply personal question for you. First, I will drink some wine. It helps the ideas flow.

n/t,

Please come over and listen to her if you love it so much. I have had enough.

Thanks for coming by.

steph,

Drinking is divine.

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

The magic number varies based on when you start lying.

c,

Don't worry, there was also a pair of Coach boots.

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger Violet said...

Yeah, definitely good thing about the flow chart. Sometimes I find myself nodding and smiling at people, then realize I have not a clue what the hell they're talking about... Oops..

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

violet,

It's best if you can be the one to talk nonstop. Then you don't have to worry about listening.

 
At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah you don't have to be a math major to figure out that is a lot of dudes. But hey she has a lot of t-shirts, and that is awesome.

 
At 7:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

People a couple of generations ahead of us (presumably) used the world "bullshit" as a verb.

Bullshitting is a good thing.

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger ChiefMommy Owl said...

So Moronda starting having sex at the age of six? Did I read that right?

To use my brother's phrase: Sounds like a walking petri dish.

Does she only stick to men?

Sara :)

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Mist-
Transcend sluttier.

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Girls just wanna have fun.

How did I miss this insight when I was single?

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

shife,

Tee shirts aren't that awesome.

matt,

I don't question you on your antics in Vegas.

chief,

I might have lied about our ages. Oh, and girls are good too.

crank,

Thanks for the clarification.

hearts,

You missed out.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

At least she has some variety right?

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

anastasia,

They say it's the spice of life.

 
At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wouldn't that be "Dumber" by the minute?

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kev,

It's worse than I thought.

 
At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry ... over fifty commenters missed it, too.

I wonder if that could have anything to do with the 7*15 calculation ...

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kev,

Maybe you can be my guest editor.

 
At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
transendental sluttier. I can do that!

 
At 5:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Prove it.

 
At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhere and let me lick you
good enough for you?

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

That's my first hummer. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

 
At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Fantastic, I'm gonna do it again.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhere and let me lick you
damn, I am out of breath from that one
but, tasty!

 
At 6:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I can name that tune in three notes.

 
At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You crack me up :) I'll be back for more reading tomorrow. Had to watch Emmitt on Dancing With the Stars tonight. Hubby's home since Aug. 1st with back surgery. I told him when he goes back he can stand around talking to all his burly men friends and ask if they watched Dancing, too.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

barb,

It takes a big man to admit to watching Dancing With the Stars. You are a lucky woman.

 

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