Am Getting Dummer By the Minute
I am not a good listener. It is mainly due to the fact that I talk a lot. Sometimes, I talk myself hoarse. If I knew American Sign Language, I would have the most shapely fingers of anyone I know.I have met my match. Moronda is the only woman on earth that talks more than me. We haven't seen each other in fifteen years. We were six when we last saw one another (that's right, I'm claiming 21 this year). For the record, it is impossible to catch up on fifteen years in four days. I am considering cutting off my own ears.
I think that substance is important. Everything I say is fascinating. I prefer to talk about my shoes and what color I should dye my hair next and the Ozone layer and stuff. Moronda doesn't share this belief in the importance of substance. Instead, she prefers to talk about every relationship she's had in the past fifteen years.
Aaron, Rich, Doug, Donald, Tim, Rasha, Vic...I needed a flow chart. Luckily, happen to have a large flip chart. I set up the easel and began taking notes.
We charted 2006. Seven men. It was a slow year. Tim tied her down for a few months. I got a cramp in my hand and had to take a wine break. After a bottle of wine, Moronda exclaimed that if we used seven as an average number of men per year and assumed that she had been f*cking for 15 years, well...that's a lot of guys. I still can't do the math on this one, but I am sure that it's a lot of guys.
"Wow," I said. "You must have a huge CD collection."
She looked at me like I was retarded. "I have an iPod and a lot of XL tee shirts to sleep in."
"You'd better get married." It was the best advice I could think of.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:55 AM
73 Comments:
Moronda sounds nice. I have a lot of music for her ipod and an abundance of extra tshirts.
Anyone who is knocking out atleast 105 guys a year has got to get around to me sooner or later.
killer,
105 guys a year!! Are you sure?
So, if Moronda left my house at 7 a.m. traveling east at 65 mph, and you left your house wearing an XL tee shirt and nothing else, what time would you two meet in Indianapolis?
I think you and Moronda should be on TV with as much fun as it sounds like you both have. Laverne and SHirley and Lucy and Ethel weren't half as entertaining!
michael,
They were no where near as adorable as we are. We are also really smart.
You seem to have the most interesting friends...there's S and there's Moronda. If they have blogs, I wonder what they're saying about you, aside from the fact that you're fascinating? (which we all know anyhow!)
its a hell of a lot of boys thats for sure but i knew a girl who had a record of 160 in one year...
babs,
I would double check the math, but I can't remember how to make my phone do the calculator thng.
nerd,
How many fingers and toes do you have?
lizza,
Moronda is a MySpace girl. She even updated it during dinner from her Blackberry. Blogging from my phone is one thing, but that is totally different. Damn internet addict.
shadow,
So, like how many boys a month is that?
I relate. Recently got together with gf I haven't seen in 11 years. A lot of talking to be had. Thanks for the chart idea. Gonna need a lot of paper.
I had heard strange things about the Deep South but I hadn't realised the age of consent was 6. I think my gag reflex is going to kick off...
Puss
Seriously, she started having sex when she was 6? Mind you, for the record my longest lasting relationship was 3 months.
Did you give her directions to the free clinic for more condoms? She might need them over that Ipod. It might be toss-up.
XL tees have lost all their magic...or maybe it's just men.
Tell Moronda I want my XL Chicago Bears tee shirt back. My girlfriend gave that to me.
Just kidding?
Wow, that is a lot of guys. Although I did have a friend once who went through about three guys a week for the five years that I knew her...
maiden,
Alternately, you can use post it notes and create a matrix on the wall.
puss,
Okay, maybe we're not 21.
rose,
You started sleeping with people at three months?
ctw,
Bless the Pill.
lee,
XL tee shirts aren't even good for sleeping in. They scream, "I got this from the man before you!"
kiyotoe,
If you want your tee shirts returned, you should write your name on the tag. Otherwise, you give up all rights.
choo,
Always gotta one-up someone. Your friend makes my friend look like a saint.
7X15, wow. I feel so wholesome now :)
1
I did things the other way around. I liked sticking with the same one until I got it right. Lots and lots of practice. Benefits of a classical education.
monkey,
I am practically a virgin in comparison.
0,
You must have started having sex before adult ADD and ADHD had been invented. Kids these days...no focus.
ooh, sounds like a fun weekend...I think Moronda is making up for me....
claudia,
You should be feeling pretty tired right now then.
norm,
You can sleep with seven guys a month too. You just have to budget your time.
Why listen to someone else talk about relationships with people you don't know, when you can talk about your own shoes?
margaret,
Exactly. Plus, you should see my new boots.
Well, who wants to be 21 anyway - life only starts to get fun after 25. After 30, it's a ball...
Puss
puss,
I am only as old as my a$$ looks.
We all know that charts and statistics lie! Ha!
LOL, I had a girlfriend when I was 16 & she had slept with 16 guys. She thought the average of one guy per year wasn't so bad. By the time she 18, she was averaging two guys per year. By the time we were thirty, she was averaging one husband every ten years. LOL, it's all in the perspective.
odat,
So does Moronda's memory. She's not counting the two that she had already slept with.
stilt,
I think the correct word is "penii."
slb,
Wait, I need to write this down. This is like another word problem.
Ditto - as you well know.
Puss
If she's that busy with all those men, when does she have time to use the t-shirts? Sleep NAKED I say!
Never let the beat drop, Mist1.
puss,
*wink*wink*
tug,
Men love to see chicks in their tee shirts. It's a strange male behavior.
matt,
My own drummer.
Scoring clothes from EX's is one of the advantages to being gay... I make sure it's his favorite....
dallas,
Finally, I am gay! I have scored quite a few items of clothing from exes.
I got married way too young. no wonder my CD collection is lacking. :(
miztris,
How about the XL tee shirts? Got plenty of those, right?
Why no small tees?
She a small'ist? ;)
Steve~
Always entertaining. Would have loved to have been a little fly during that conversation!!!
steven,
I'll suggest that she start sleeping with small men. That way, some of their clothes might fit her.
meg,
C'mon over. There's always room for one more. You do drink red wine, don't you?
I too have an Ipod and some XL tee shirts
Yeah substance is definitely better than garbage. Yeah she sounds like a fun girl. Send her my way. haha
nihilistic,
So wait...you're Moronda? Please don't be mad about the nickname. I think it's cute, don't you.
doug,
We'll need to look at your XL tee shirt collection first.
you know, i think you are great listener between the breaths you take when you talking.
Isn't it great how those numbers add up? Add a couple a year, almost monk levels, and a decade makes you into a slut. And then, you sound even worse when you're trying to explain it to a potential girlfriend because, let's face it, the only way to get sluttier is to pretend that you aren't a slut.
Which is why honesty isn't always the best policy.
k,
I'm a heavy breather too, so sometimes, I can't hear you. It's just that I'm pausing.
crank,
So wait, are you telling me to be sluttier or just act sluttier?
If I knew American Sign Language, I would have the most shapely fingers of anyone I know.- (c) Mist 1
This is one major reason why I love to read your blog. LOL. I agree totally. Some people listen while other's wait to speak. I guess I have a little of both.
*If you have any questions that are burning within you, a story to tell or advice to give, please e-mail me at lrl.advice@hotmail.com . I look forward to hearing from you. Your e-mail may be published on LRL.com!
hahahahaha. love it.
Talking is over rated. But drinking. Drinking is good.
I'm sorry, did you say something?
You know what burns me? A man's studliness is measured by the amount of times he's hooked up with other women - and a woman is a ho.
Hey, at least she got an ipod & some jammie shirts out of the deal.
p.s. what is the actual number that turns you into a ho anyways? Just curious......
Well at least it is not a huge STD collection. An IPOD and lots of XL tee shirts to sleep in?? - she needs to get more out of these guys than dick and shirts. Oh wait that's the low gold digger in me talking. Sex is a good commodity - as long as it's good.
poetiq,
I keep my fingers in shape other ways.
I will see if I have any valuable advice or deeply personal question for you. First, I will drink some wine. It helps the ideas flow.
n/t,
Please come over and listen to her if you love it so much. I have had enough.
Thanks for coming by.
steph,
Drinking is divine.
darlene,
The magic number varies based on when you start lying.
c,
Don't worry, there was also a pair of Coach boots.
Yeah, definitely good thing about the flow chart. Sometimes I find myself nodding and smiling at people, then realize I have not a clue what the hell they're talking about... Oops..
violet,
It's best if you can be the one to talk nonstop. Then you don't have to worry about listening.
Yeah you don't have to be a math major to figure out that is a lot of dudes. But hey she has a lot of t-shirts, and that is awesome.
People a couple of generations ahead of us (presumably) used the world "bullshit" as a verb.
Bullshitting is a good thing.
So Moronda starting having sex at the age of six? Did I read that right?
To use my brother's phrase: Sounds like a walking petri dish.
Does she only stick to men?
Sara :)
Mist-
Transcend sluttier.
Girls just wanna have fun.
How did I miss this insight when I was single?
shife,
Tee shirts aren't that awesome.
matt,
I don't question you on your antics in Vegas.
chief,
I might have lied about our ages. Oh, and girls are good too.
crank,
Thanks for the clarification.
hearts,
You missed out.
anastasia,
They say it's the spice of life.
Wouldn't that be "Dumber" by the minute?
kev,
It's worse than I thought.
Don't worry ... over fifty commenters missed it, too.
I wonder if that could have anything to do with the 7*15 calculation ...
kev,
Maybe you can be my guest editor.
1
transendental sluttier. I can do that!
0,
Prove it.
1
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhere and let me lick you
good enough for you?
0,
That's my first hummer. Was it as good for you as it was for me?
1
Fantastic, I'm gonna do it again.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhere and let me lick you
damn, I am out of breath from that one
but, tasty!
0,
I can name that tune in three notes.
You crack me up :) I'll be back for more reading tomorrow. Had to watch Emmitt on Dancing With the Stars tonight. Hubby's home since Aug. 1st with back surgery. I told him when he goes back he can stand around talking to all his burly men friends and ask if they watched Dancing, too.
barb,
It takes a big man to admit to watching Dancing With the Stars. You are a lucky woman.
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