To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, November 01, 2006

This One's for my Street Cred


I've done time. The slammer. That's right. Me, flip flops, an orange jumper, and a shank I crafted out of a plastic spork.

It changed my life. I joined a revolutionary prison gang and changed my name to Mumia Abu-Mist Jamal. I had my hair braided. It was the worst six hours of my life.

I was arrested one night while driving with expired tags and an expired license. In my defense, I was out of the country for a few weeks and I forgot to take care a few loose ends. I was driving a truck, but could only produce an insurance card for a motorcycle. Just a few minor details.

I should mention that I was arrested after a hair show. At the time, I was employed as a hair model because I have a liberal arts degree.

The officer who arrested me couldn't even look me in the face. I had fake eyelashes and was wearing three pounds of makeup. My platinum and pink hair was teased into a four foot afro.

And that's what I looked like when I went to jail. Also, I was wearing a tee shirt that said, "The Devil Made Me Do It." If I had a wardrobe staff, they all would have been sacked.

The jailers weren't sure if I was a woman or a transvestite whore. After a search for body cavities and then a search of the cavities, I was put in a holding cell for women that looked like men.

I was photographed. They turned out well. I got the photographer's card. "I'll call you when I get out of here. I need some shots for my portfolio," I told him. He said that he had heard that line before.

I was fingerprinted. I was issued a jumper, a roll of toilet paper (doubles as a pillow), a mattress, and a pair of tan flip flops that were 12 sizes too big.

I dragged my mattress to my cell and scratched a mark on the wall to help me keep track of how long I'd been incarcerated. Then I joined the rest of the inmate population for "Wheel of Fortune." We placed our bets. I won a carton of apple juice and a pair of socks.

Just before dinner, my number was called. The guard told me to get my stuff, I had been bailed out. "Can I stay for Jeopardy?" I asked. The guard declined. I bet people on Death Row ask that all the time.

I grabbed my mesh bag of toiletries and pulled my mattress off the bunk. My cellmate offered to carry it down the stairs for me in exchange for my flip flops. Her's were too small. We swapped shoes and she hauled the mattress behind me.

Everywhere I go, I've got b*tches.

Mist 1


72 Comments:

At 8:16 PM, Blogger cinders said...

If you ever end up in a co-ed facility, tell my ex boyfriend "what's up" when you pass him in the cafeteria...

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger Tug said...

four foot afro? I'll be your bitch honey. My time in the slammer doesn't even compare.

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cinders,

Is he the one with Thug Life on his knuckles?

tug,

I thought I recognized you from somewhere.

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Teach me how to get bitches will ya!

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

Where have you been? Shoes, man. Shoes.

 
At 12:02 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Tan flip flops 12 sizes too big. The ultimate indignity. But I bet you looked adorable in your orange jump suit.

 
At 12:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've can be put in prison for that?

Ok I'm never wearing my good shoes out when I do something bad ever again.

 
At 3:52 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist
What is it with you and slogan t-shirts? They are so over they are almost in again. Almost.

Jail sounds fun - just like boarding school. But without the showerhead games.

Puss

 
At 4:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are the shiz.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

Man.....what I would give for a picture of that!!!

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I do look great in orange. Thanks for noticing.

shadow,

Always have a back up prison outfit in the trunk of your car.

puss,

I am so over message tees, but this one was from a really cool bar in Canada.

lee,

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

nattie,

I believe the photos are public record.

 
At 5:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mug shot was perfectly adorable too. The actual time spent in jail was much less fun. 5 hours talking to a cop about the problems with the welfare system in America. And then at the trial finding out he got in trouble for sleeping with the prisoners. It was definitely an experience.

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

'A really cool bar in Canada'

I thought received opinion was that that was an oxymoron...

Puss

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

karma,

Gross.

puss,

Every time I have been to Canada, I have had the best time. Seriously.

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

I know i told you this before, but......

I think I love you lady.

Damn.

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

If things don't work out with my former cellmate, I'll call you.

 
At 6:33 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist, serious? Yeah, right.

You'll be crying wolf next...

Puss

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

Did I mention that I was there with a bunch of guys from the UK for a soccer tournament?

Had a blast. Seriously.

 
At 7:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The 14 hours I spent in lockup ten years ago at the Essex County jail in Vermont proved to be a microcosm of life up the river.

Thrown into the general population there, I was immediately sized up and invited into the clique that dominated the "left side" of the room. I was a Leftie. We ostracized a kid who was an alleged sex offender and I even began to teach a guy how to read (he needed help with a complaint form regarding his back). Later, we smoked a makeshift cigarette made from contraband.

 
At 7:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least you didn't have to serve a weekend sentence on "chain gang." I had to travel w/ a bunch of hoodlums by van and rake leaves.

People would stare. It looked like exactly what it was.

 
At 7:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

From the description and your possible locale in the South, it sounds as if you might have been arrested for being queer in a 55 mph zone.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist
Now you're talking my language - except for the 'soccer' bit, it's called 'football' because you kick the ball with your foot. Unlike in that weird game you play over there where men dress up in armour and run around with the ball in their arms - should be called armouryball.

There are eleven men in a football team. Mmmmm.

Puss

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger normiekins said...

gots to have bitches babe...cover your ass you hardened criminal you....LMAO....this sounds like Mayberry RFD....;)

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

It's too bad you didn't get stopped in your Police Chief's neighborhood, things could have turned out differently.
The slammer makes us stronger, I say...It would have been nice to stay for Jeopardy, though...You could have won a few packs of smokes.

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Are you taking applications for bitches? I can forward my resume. I need more cash flow.

 
At 8:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Ah, Mist, now you're making me nostalgic for the good old days when we were in that bar fight in Canada. You were awesome, in your Manolos, playing ninja with those lumberjacks. They never knew what hit them. But we got out of there, how did you get caught this time?

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I find that if you make your shank out of a toothbrush, you get a better grip.

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Oh my God woman. I'm too spent to write anything beyond: you are brilliant.

And also: I'll cut you if I find you've been looking at my bitches.

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those little details get ya every time, don't they?? It's a good thing about the shoes.

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where was your chief of police when you really needed him????

Peace

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

Is that what's wrong with my hair? I need a liberal arts degree?

 
At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

jail....hmmm sounds like fun. I'll have to try that sometime... besides i love flip flops!

 
At 9:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to tell ya, I've been picking up thug vibes ever since I started reading your blog. :D

 
At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was hair model once too! Sadly there was only so much they could do with my pubes.

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

The officer who arrested me couldn't even look me in the face. I had fake eyelashes and was wearing three pounds of makeup. My platinum and pink hair was teased into a four foot afro.>

I can see why they got confused. That's remarkably close to my Halloween outfit this year.

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I'm a lefty too. Actually, I'm pretty ambidextrous.

puss,

You should turn on that translate feature. That way, when I type soccer, on your screen it will read "football."

norm,

It was sorta like Mayberry and sorta like Oz.

darlene,

It was a nonsmoking facility. There were friendly signs on the walls explaining that "now is a good time to become a new, healthier you..."

ctw,

You must be able to lift a mattress.

0,

I think I was set up.

anastasia,

I'm sort of picky about my oral hygiene.

123val,

Maybe you missed the part in my post where I explained how tough I am. Perhaps you should review it. Now, do you still want to cut me? Keep an eye on your b*tches.

claudia,

I renewed my license for ten years. Then I took a miserable picture. I am stuck with it.

odat,

Probably on his side of the county line.

margaret,

Go back to school. I have seen a significant deline in my number of bad hair days per year.

kris,

If you need any suggestions on ways to get arrested. Let me know.

miztris,

I keeps it real.

dallas,

No one has pubes any more, Hon. Get waxed.

nwjr,

You dressed up as me for Halloween? I'm flattered.

 
At 10:29 AM, Anonymous Drib said...

Aww Mist, I knew you were hardcore...but this sheds new light. I'm in awe.

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No jailhouse tats? How about jailhouse moonshine? Glad you survived the cavity search.

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

drib,

I am a bad motherf*cker.

shife,

Moonshine? Those b*tches had moonshine?

 
At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would expect to pay no more than $23.95 for a first-edition memoir by Mist1. Hardcore. I mean, cover. Hardcover. First edition.

Wouldn't mist that one.

 
At 11:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once "accidentally" lost my license so I could get a new picture. It was worth the 20 bucks.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

That's awfully sweet. You're getting it now for free, but if you'd like to pay me, I won't protest.

claudia,

I have thought about it, but I'm sure they'll just pull up the photo stored somewhere in the database. I'll have the same picture and be out $20.

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I am sure there are those of us that would pay big bucks for that mug shot...

 
At 2:31 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Did your mugshot look as bad as this or this?

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger K said...

my penitentiary pimptress, lol.

do you have any free aveda samples?

 
At 4:03 PM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I see you've got this whole cop-handcuff thing going on...

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger Steph said...

You da man...sorry, laydee.
I was locked up for four hours for egging a teachers house once.

I'm not hardcore like you. I just cried for my mummy the whole time!

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Clearly, you need to get locked up for a little longer next time. You could end up running the joint...

 
At 5:29 PM, Anonymous Veronica said...

What a coincidence, I've done time too. See my last comment about being an au pair. Those were tough times.

I lived in the basement and was allowed out during the day to go to my language classes, which I ditched to go smoke cigarettes outside of various tourist monuments and flirt with cute boys who tried to convert me to Islam.

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger C said...

Bitches and hos. Hey man - you wanted to stay for Jeopardy - that's some fun you were having with your new friends. Almost like what assisted living might be like one day. Next you'll have a some bitch hauling around your bed pan for you and pushing your IV drip behind you. That's a scary thought.

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

k,

I have a box of Color Conserve products. I like the foaming leave-in conditioner. You cannot have the Elixir. It is my favorite.

ranger,

Fuzzy cuffs are good.

steph,

My mom wouldn't take my collect calls.

crank,

You can't beat free rent and three meals a day.

veronica,

That's strikingly similar. At least the converting to Islam part.

c,

That's not scary. That's ideal. I can't wait. I am going to be jigsaw puzzle champ.

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

Available. Public record. Please don't post them to your blog.

dan,

Actually, I did look a bit like the love child of the two.

 
At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I think you wuz set up 2. One of your ex's A vendetta. Shhhhhh.

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

As I was reading this post, I laughed so hard I cried and then my nose started to run.

Too much information?

I think not.


Btw...I was in jail today too.

But just to get a DNA sample from an inmate.

His orange jumpsuit clashed with his red hair.

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Oh man - could you please post your mugshot? That would be priceless!!!

 
At 8:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I better not find out which one of them is responsible.

pissy,

The phrase TMI means nothing to me. Everything I write here is TMI.

My jumper looked good with my hair.

karmyn,

Priceless? No dear, you would have to pay for that.

 
At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stupid computers....

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

They will be the death of us. Look at me for example, I am sitting here, rotting away 22 hours a day.

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

Lord knows what you could of gotten for that tee-shirt!

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

slb,

I got a huge fine for that tee shirt. Well, and all the other stuff too.

 
At 4:44 AM, Blogger princessdominique said...

You learn something everyday. I didn't know that wine came in boxes. How sheltered I am.

 
At 5:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I say, let's start a witch hunt to find which one did it. Or, if you'd prefer, let's just burn 'em all on principle! I'll go get the Burnzomatic torch!!!

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pdom,

This is an edutainment blog.

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I'm not allowed to play with torches.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger melanie said...

a four foot afro? and they didnt search that for crack rocks? you got off easy.

"One" of the times i was taken to the slammer, sober, in dallas, there was a black chick crying cuz of a bounced check, an old grandma crack pusher, and a young 16 year old heroin addict that was coming down and picking bugs off her skin. i was in for a eight year old no insurance ticket from when i lived in Houston, and i refused to pay. i wish i would have had a tape recorder for that dialogue, and anyone getting taken to jail indallas is in for a wait. those suckers are SLOW!

In Houston, if smart talk them, they slam your ass up against the wall. they get stuff done down there. YIKES!

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Killer said...

Reading your posts always left me with a feeling that you did some hard time. I bet you have some wicked jail house tats.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

I got to experience the two meth-heads peeling back layers of their faces.

killer,

This one says LOVE, see? And this one says HATE. Isn't that cool?

 
At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I am

 
At 3:06 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I feel so very sorry for you Americans, getting thrown in jail for every little thing. You need to move to the land Down Under where jail is a place people are sent to think about glue.

 
At 8:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Will you drive too? I've had too much wine. Thanks.

orhan,

OMG! You're from Kentucky? I haven't thought about glue since I gave it up years ago.

 
At 7:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
NP, I'll just bring the Batmobile

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

In that case, mind if I take it for a spin around the block?

 

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Name: Mist1
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