To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Mist 1, John 0

Sometimes, I believe in Karma. Usually, when it works in my favor.

Moronda and I went out for a few drinks last night. We staked out the best real estate in the place; the corner of the bar. We could see everyone from there. We scanned the bar for someone to talk about. We were feeling very cute and yet, slightly bitchy. We can be like that. We both can fit in our clothes from high school. Not that we would still wear them, but we could if we wanted to. Hate us now.

My eyes stopped on John. I had a brief fling with John a few years ago. It didn't work out because 1.) he left me for a (slightly) hotter chick, and 2.) I am a little bit crazy. He was with a girl that used to sleep with a friend of mine. A female friend of mine. She told that friend that she thought I was stunning (maybe she didn't use the word stunning, but I can't be sure).

I leaned over and whispered the story in Moronda's ear.

"You've got to do something," she insisted.

I hadn't thought of that. It's good to have friends.

We plotted. John avoided eye contact. We drank. John looked at his watch (sixteen times, if anyone had been counting). We schemed. John chain smoked. We giggled. John got up to answer a phone call. Then, I made my move.

I hit on the girl while he was in the restroom. I work quickly. I explained how I had lost her number and that if she was still interested, Moronda and I would love to "get to know her" a little better. Moronda waved coyly from the corner of the bar. You should see her when she does that move. She's awfully good.

The girl looked surprised at first and then agreed that we looked like waaaaay more fun than John.

"I'm kinda over him anyway," she shrugged.

I gave Moronda the signal, which was something subtle like jumping up and down and waving my hands over my head.

We slung our purses over our shoulders and headed for the door. I looked back and saw John returning to his seat. He looked a little confused. I saw his lighter on the bar. I took it and winked at him.

I sent a text message from the car. It read:

I got your date & your lighter.

It was my third most gratifying moment to date.

Mist 1


At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too bad you forgot "....too bad I had to fake it everytime, and so did your girlfriend here"

At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahaha! I wonder what John's face looked like when he got your text message. If this was your third most gratifying moment, the first and second must really be awesome.

At 10:34 PM, Blogger Girlie Monkey said...

Great move! I am taking notes for future reference :-)

At 10:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm not that cool.


I wish I could have seen his face too.


Stick around. I've got lots of good advice.

Thanks for coming by.

At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AND THEN WHAT? I mean that is not the end of the story you know! Did you dump her at the next truck stop? Get her drunk and drop her off on her porch like in back to the future? C'mon...

At 12:25 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

And then what happened? This is only half a story. I want to hear the rest.

dwivdka is my alphabet soup. Do you think this is significant? (It sounds like a vanity plate.)

At 1:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's brilliant :-) I would have loved to have seen his face!

At 1:39 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

That's it? No grafic details?!?! Mist you have like all the fun. Yes I'm a dirty old man. LMAO

At 2:30 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I got halfway through reading the third paragraph and I just knew you were going to do - exactly what I would do in that situation. Ah, Mist, peas in a pod. I like your style.

We must go out together more.


At 5:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm not telling.

Thanks for coming by.


Seriously, I'm not telling. Your word verification is my middle name. That's crazy.


I wish he had left his wallet not just his lighter.


Maybe next week. I can only cram so much into one post.


That's because I think you might be my alter-ego. Or maybe it's the other way around.

At 6:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome. Karma is good to have in your corner.

At 6:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Thanks for your support.

At 6:16 AM, Blogger Killer said...

That was a perfect combination of psychotic, diabolical, and erotic.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me with my roommate once, so I deflated her and put her back in the box. Not nearly as thought provoking as your story.

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Tug said...

A new twist on a 3some - can your male readers handle it??

At 6:22 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

We are family. I got all my sisters and me. You Me Moronda = revenge on men.

At 6:26 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

I may love you

At 6:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


If it had been me, I would have made sure that she had an encounter with a thumbtack.


I'm sure they'd like to handle it.


I love us.

At 6:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Join the elite few. Okay, the elite two.

At 6:48 AM, Blogger vincentblackshadow said...

Isn't revenge supposed to be a dish best served cold, think we might have to work in something about your girl, your ex & your lighter.

Poor bugger, imagine if thats as close as he ever gets to a 3 way.

Nice one.

At 7:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


He should thank me.

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

John should know not to mess with the best. Poor guy.

Can I have the lighter? You can keep the chick.

At 7:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


They're a package deal. If you want the lighter, you have to take the chick.

At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man your life is so much more exciting than mine! Our idea of a good night is when the twins don't run too far away while we're shopping at Target!

At 8:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha! that rocks....

At 8:18 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I'll take the chick. And a cheeseburger, as long as I'm asking.

At 8:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I hope, that at the very least, you're no longer a make-out-with-a-girl-virgin. It's the least you could do for the poor girl. ;)

At 8:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Masterful! Truly masterful!

At 8:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

John got punk'd...

You know...punk'd...

Like the kids are saying these days. ;)


At 8:47 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I agree.

We must have the rest of the story.

p.s. You are soooooooooo smooth!

At 8:54 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

I have told you that I love the way you think right?

At 9:02 AM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL...poor John...I can't help but wonder who he went home with?

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'd rather be your evil twin...

That way we could play Good Mist, Bad Mist and Good Puss, Bad Puss. World domination is only a Dirty Martini away!


At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

G*D I lvoe the way you tell a story.

So, the next post is going to be about what happened after the three of you left - right?

Ah the sweet anticipation of Mist Porn. LOL

At 11:22 AM, Blogger Dan said...

You're not going to like this, but later in the evening I saw John leaving with the two hottest women in the bar. And they each gave him a lighter.

Geez! Don't you just HATE that! ;)

At 11:23 AM, Blogger desiree said...

I like to live vicariously through your life, unless you had to actually hook up with that girl later that night, in which case, I will cut that out of my vicariousness. I just can't get in to the chicks (they are pretty though)

At 11:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


The major difference between us is that I would see how far the kids would run.


Sometimes, I even impress myself.


Mmmmm. Cheeseburgers. I gotta have lunch.


She talked a lot. So do I. It could never work out.


That's what I thought too.


Ah, the youth. You are so in touch.


Maybe next week. A girl has to keep some secrets.


I am always open to hearing it again. And again. And how about once more?


I think he went home with my bar tab.


I am my evil twin.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger My Post College Life said...

Holy crap, that's the funniest thing I've ever read.

At 11:28 AM, Blogger melanie said...

well ouch! what part of the world are you living in? cuz i dont think i should be crossing the moat to your castle, like EVER!

At 12:15 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Can I assume you named your friend Moronda and not her parents?

At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love it...!

At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way to go always come out ahead, right??? :) have a great weekend!!!

At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm trying to feel sorry for John, but I just can't help laughing at what you did. I like these types of stories so much more when they're not happening to me!

For the record, I'm too much of a gentleman to pester you for all the naughty (knotty?) and graphic details of what came next. I find those sophomoric pleas for titilation to be pathetic, shameful, and crass.


Besides, everyone else has already asked. I'll just wait until you answer them!

At 2:21 PM, Blogger Violet said...

That is a fabulous story!

Gotta love that feeling of evening the score...

At 2:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Next you're gonna pictures and then audio...


How do you know that wasn't Moronda and me coming back to tell him we were just joking? The lighters were to show him that it was all in good fun.


Your vicarious job sucks. I don't want to fill in for you when you're vicariously watching Tyra on my vicarious couch.


Glad you enjoyed it. I think I've had funnier moments. Check the archives.

Thanks for coming by.


Are you trying to pick me up? What's that whole crossing the moat into my castle business about? You don't need lines, you just need to buy me a few drinks.


I surround myself with pretty things, not smart things.


It is a great lighter, isn't it?


Can you smell my new perfume? Do you like it? It's called Victory. It's by Dior. Dior is divine.


I appreciate your respect of my personal life (outside of what I blog about, of course). Everyone else should be ashamed.


I do what I can. I love winning. I also love lighters.

Thanks for coming by.

At 2:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hehe - you evil, evil thing, you. Both for what you did to John *snicker* and for the fact that you got me thinking about what I was wearing in high school. There are very scary images going through my head right now.

At 2:44 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Somehow, we thought we were fashionable. I still own an Esprit dress that is going to come back one of the days. Mark my words.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

I got one word for you......


Damn girl.

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Lindsey said...

Hands down...that was completely awesome! Oh how I dream about having moments like that.

At 4:12 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

My most gratifying moment? Reading this post.

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Stink was me! Damn blogger beta...Ever since I made a "TEST" beta blog to see what it was like it seems to log me into that damn blog everytime I comment...and I deleted the damn thing too! Now some deleted no name blog is taking credit for my witty and highly fun comments! I'll be ruined!!!

At 6:24 PM, Blogger Steph said...

You did rude and obscene things to her with the lighter, didn't you.
Heeeeeheheheh. Kinkeh!

At 7:17 PM, Blogger George Vreeland Hill said...

Your Karma is good!
Cool blog!

George Vreeland Hill

At 7:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


It ain't easy. That's for damn sure.


Make your dreams a reality! Buy my 4-DVD course on how to steal dates and lighters. $19.99


Either you really like lighters or we need to get you out of the house more.


This is my test blog. My other one is way funnier.


Maybe. But it was consensual. The lighter is into that kind of stuff.


Karma has been lurking around for me lately.

Thanks for coming by.

At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL Good for you!

Years ago, I did something similar to an ex of mine. It was awesome. Really pissed him off but it made my night.

At 9:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are that cool. I'd suggest you have a theme song, but a symphony would be more appropriate.

At 12:12 AM, Blogger cinders said...

I also make ex-lovers uncomfortable at the bar: Crazy girls of the world unite! I think it's high time we start a club and trade secrets on how to create awkward moments.

At 8:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I could SO see my friend and I doing that... I now will just wait for the opportunity :)

And I want the clothes I wore in high school to be too big for me... I can dream right?

At 9:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Post your story.


I've always wanted a theme song, but I'd have to buy a tour bus if I had to have a symphony orchestra follow me around everywhere.


Permission to use any of my fabulous suggestions granted. I cannot be held responsible for the results.


Go to a thrift store and buy clothing from that was fashionable when you were in high school. Make sure that it's a couple of sizes too large. Then complain to everyone that your clothes from high school are "soooo baggy" on you now. Wait and see how many friends you still have.

At 9:52 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

ahahah karma is too great sometimes. As for my clothes from High School - I can wear mine as well..but as you saw, I wore them 4 days ago & won for best halloween costume.
p.s. So what are you most proud of - stealing the date or the lighter? Because that is a really nice lighter.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

That is FABULOUS! I can't imagine what that would be like to pull off.

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Poetiq Expression said...

I just love it. That was so gratifying and a breath of a "Gotcha" moment. I love reading stories like this.

At 4:17 PM, Blogger C said...

I just read Killer's comment. He deflated his girlfriend and put her back in the box. Ha ha - that was almost as funny as your text to John. Scandalous. I like it.

At 8:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about "Ride of the Valkyries" on an IPOD with a small set of BOSE speakers. Smaller than a box of wine. We could put the entire London Symphony on that IPOD and it would reproduce onto the BOSE speakers flawlessly......and you could stand there holding the lighter up towards the sky

At 8:25 PM, Blogger misanthropster said...


Nothing better than sticking it to an (well, a pseudo) ex than by sticking it (so to speak) to his current flame.

And he didn't deserve that lighter.

At 3:04 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I'm amazed you got home alive enough to write this post. That was so cruel! (My kind of cruel)

.. sixteen times, if anyone had been counting..

Must get hobby, indeed.

At 5:13 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

You really sound like you'd be fun to party with...

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Glad you're keeping tabs :)

At 8:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


The lighter, of course.


You can imagine it. Just close your eyes...

Thanks for stopping by.


I do what I can. I love the gotcha moment.

Thanks for coming by.


Killer is good. Isn't he?


I don't want to run out of lighter fluid.


He didn't deserve me either.


I really could stand to use my time better.


Very few people recognize just how fun I really am.


I am also keeping dates and lighters.

At 3:30 AM, Anonymous mailman said...

So you had a fling with the guy and that somehow makes him owe you stuff?

Please explain.

At 4:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


"All of this happened, more or less."

Kurt Vonnegut

Thanks for coming by.

At 7:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That lighter is refillable! Ride on dude

At 7:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Of course. Only the best for John.

At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're the only woman I've ever heard of to admit to being crazy.

Usually you just kind of figure it out after the restraining order.

At 10:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


A staff of mental health professionals can't be wrong.

At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet! Hopefully one day I have the ability to do that...sounds like fun :)

At 12:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


You can do it. You just have to find a man with a great lighter.

Thanks for coming by.

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...


At 1:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Where should I be to receive the key to your city? And what time?

At 3:58 AM, Anonymous mailman said...


"All of this happened, more or less."

Kurt Vonnegut"

Sorry for misreading :)

Then yeah, you're awesome :)

At 4:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Thanks for noticing. Also, I am humble.

At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Looking for something that I can believe in
Looking for something that I'd ike to do with my life
There's nothing that hides me and nothing that ties me to something that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open, right now .......

At 5:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Are you really John Denver?

At 6:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How did you know? What gave me away?

At 7:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I have eyes everywhere.

At 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Send me a few other body parts and I'll show you the Inn of the Seven Happinesses. Ummmmmmmm good.

At 9:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Are there any vacancies, because the Hyatt has a special right now.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.


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