To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, November 09, 2006

The Lord's Bowling League



I agreed to go bowling because I am a Good Sport and there was the prospect of vodka. Mostly, it was the prospect of vodka.

First, I had to stop in the shoe store and buy socks. I also bought a pair of shoes, but they were on sale and for next summer so they don't really count. I had a choice of socks. I could purchase six pair for $8 or one pair for $6. I am a sensible shopper and so I bought one pair. It was a better deal than buying a half dozen and throwing five pair away (that's a savings of $2).

I was invited by a guy who owns a "modeling" agency and was meeting a group of people that I didn't know. I assumed that I would be bowling with really attractive cokeheads, which sounded like fun.

Naturally, I stopped at the bar for a martini first. I would need it, if I was going to put my feet in someone else's shoes. I always carry a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse. As I slipped my feet into the slightly moist shoes, I comforted myself with the knowledge that in an hour, I would be slathering my feet in hand sanitzer.

I walked over to our reserved lanes. "Excuse me," I said to the dowdy woman in my lane. "I think you may be in the wrong place." She was clearly not a model. "You must be Mist," she said. "I've heard about your hair." I thanked her for noticing my amazing curls and assumed that she must be an agent. I looked around. I was bowling with the frumpiest group of people that I had ever seen. Everyone wore fleece. Also, many of them owned there own bowling shoes. I was confused. But because I am a good sport (see reference above), I decided to bowl.

I am not a good bowler. My goal was to bowl my weight, but after four frames, I had bowled a thirteen. I weigh just over thirteen pounds. I decided that I had better reset my goals. I was determined to bowl my IQ.

I ordered a round of shots. In situations like this, I find that shots always help.

Eight Hollywood shooters arrived. The owner of the agency leaned over to me and whispered, "this is my Bible study group. We don't drink." I rolled my eyes and told him not to worry, the shots were for me. I wish he had told me that this was his Bible study group before I made everyone uncomfortable with all those ball comments (i.e. "Six pound balls are soooo hard to find" and "I've never seen more beautiful balls" and "I hope I'm not sore tomorrow from all these balls" and on and on and on). It is nearly impossible not to talk about balls when you are in a bowling alley. It's just one of those things. With the right audience, I would have been a riot. Or molested.

Eight shots later, I was still bowling a thirteen. Consistency is very important to me. I had managed to refrain from making any more ball jokes, which was a victory as well.

As we ended the game and I rubbed my feet with hand sanitizer, one of the men asked me if I wouldn't mind helping him with all the balls. I told him that he looked like he could handle plenty of balls and I walked away to exchange my shoes.

It was only five balls. Amateur.


Mist 1


69 Comments:

At 10:26 PM, Blogger Killer said...

Like some "religious" dude can't handle a bunch of balls. You should have pushed them against his chin, he would have known what to do then.
God hates me.

 
At 10:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

killer,

If his dick was on his mind, the balls would have been on his chin.

G*d loves us all. Just some of us not as much.

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

I get distracted very easily while bowling...I keep wondering what everyone is looking at as I have my back to them...

 
At 11:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And on the 8th day, he bowled...a perfect game, I'm assuming. I still can't get over how cool your life must be!!!

 
At 1:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brings new meaning to the phrase 'balls-ing it up'

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger singleton said...

"I find that shots always help."

You crack me up! How else would you have gotten through this night? Thank goodness you didn't waste the other two bucks!

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Bowling can be so much fun, with the right kind of people.....and the right kind of alcohol. I always think its funny how some bowlers take that game so seriously ! Whats up with all that lining up with the dots and aiming and crap - geez, I figure just get up there throw the damn ball and get back to your drink !!

 
At 5:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

They're looking at your a$$. I do this little wiggle and give them a good show.

michael,

I don't feel cool. I feel hungover. I need a nap.

shadow,

I am a baller.

singleton,

If I only knew what I did with those two bucks.

meg,

That's what those dots are for?

 
At 5:24 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

I think bowling your weight and/or IQ is a fine idea. Thanks for the tip. Oh, and thanks for the tip about the shots, too.

 
At 5:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Vodka. Bowling. Balls. You could end up pregnant with that combination.

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

When did bowling become trendy again?

 
At 6:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God loves drunks and little babies!
Peace

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

OK you are in the south and they are wearing fleece? First of all - its not that cold secondly - Ewwwww!

So why was he taking you bowling with his Bible group? Sounds to me like he wants to convert ya! Have another shot for me!

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I have never bowled drunk, or buzzed. I will now.

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger vincentblackshadow said...

If there is a God he must have a wicked sense of humour, you, bowling and a bible study group - a match made in heaven surely.

 
At 7:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist : You big baller..shot caller! At least you used your powers for awesome to bring a little style to the Frumpy side of bible study. Next time mebbe you can host a Pole-dancer Aerobics party!

**note to self - must get Fleece to study the bible**

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

All I can guess is that his Bible Study Group are planning a charity nude calendar and his 'model' agency skills are required. If not, then he has issues and is probably not the kind of man you want to be barefoot and drunk around.

Puss

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

You know, not to be all, "oh, my Mom died, woe, sadness, dismal," but sometimes when I try to talk to her up in heaven, I have to leave a message because she's busy bowling with her friend Judy.

Swear to God. Most of the time she gets back to me.

I have her bowling ball with matching case. They're both pink.

 
At 8:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah - bowling. The thing that I do worse than any other living creature in the universe, including snakes, fish and that large, living lump goo that they discovered in some Norwegian lake a little while back.

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

bible study folk love ball jokes too.

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

I should charge for all these tips.

lizza,

No one wants to rent my womb for nine months. Trust me.

av,

Bowling is the new black.

odat,

Didn't I tell you never to call me baby?

cheeky,

We get cold down here at about 50 degrees. Coldness is all relative. He should know that bowling is not going to convert me. It's just going to break my nails.

maiden,

That is pretty much the whole point of bowling as far as I'm concerned.

vince,

It was comic. I wonder if there was a laugh track in heaven.

maryren,

First those damn figurines that you collect. Now the fleece. Do you do this to me on purpose?

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I look so cute when I'm barefoot and drunk.

123,

That is beautiful. I leave my mom messages and she doesn't recognize my voice.

choo,

I think I dated that lump of goo. It didn't work out.

margaret,

Maybe your Bible study group could loosen his group up some.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I was on a bowling league in Vegas where MUCH booze & shots were served. I was the comic relief.

 
At 9:02 AM, Blogger Tug said...

DAMN BLOGGER. If you get this twice, ya' know - erase erase erase.

I was on a bowling league in Vegas where MUCH booze & MANY shots were part of it...I was the comic relief.

 
At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You lost me at "putting my feet into slightly moist shoes"
ACCCK. Had to have 8 shots of vodka myself after reading that.ef

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Shame on you for saying that your goal is to bowl your weight. You make most Americans feel bad because it's mathematically impossible for them to bowl their weight ... the maximum score is 300 points (I know, I just Googled it, and believe me I know how to Google).

You're mean.

 
At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't like bowling very much. Besides the balls making me sore in the morning, I can't stop thinking about how much bacteria must be in the fingerholes of the balls from so many people using them.

I just have this thing about dirty balls that really skeeves me out.

 
At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The worst insult anyone ever gave me was that I should join a bowling league.

 
At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

What man in his right mind invites you to anything "bible"??

 
At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drunken bowling is the best! I recommend left-handed bowling as well(if you're right-handed and vice versa..) It adds a whole new spin..

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger melanie said...

whats a hollywood shooter? i thought those were drive bys... not beverages.

the only thing i would have worried about would be saying, GD when i rolled a gutter.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

That's exactly my concern...

Puss

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

Being the comic relief is my speciality. I am also the clumsy relief.

a. whore,

The shoes were a little warm too. Have some more vodka.

dan,

Anorexia has it's privileges.

miztris,

The fingerhole thing creeps me out too.

matt,

Did your anonymous commentor tell you that.

britt,

He's not that smart. Sexy, but not that smart.

claudia,

I never did figure out which hand I bowl better with.

melanie,

A Hollywood shooter is good. A Hollywood drive-by shooter is bad.

puss,

I can't help it. Something about my little polished toes and a big martini is just irresistable.

 
At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thirteen, huh?

You're better than me. ;)

Steve~

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

It takes a lot of practice. Once every two years is a commitment.

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

Whenever I think of bowling. I see those white Americans that live in trailer parks. Nice to see that the bible beaters have taken over.They bring real respectability to that sport. LOL

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger Miranda said...

LMAO - I just love your reasoning for buying stuff that was on sale...and for next summer.

 
At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Let me get this straight, for real. You were standing there with a bowling ball, and you were shaking your ass, and men were watching, and nothing happened?

No foot stomping? No yelling, or screaming, or someone shouting, "Praise the Lord!"? Are you kidding me? They really weren't dead? Must have been the shoes.

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nerd,

You totally described me.

miranda,

I am nothing if not logical.

0,

Those shoes will turn off anyone.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Your guy might be a model agent for a tool & dye catalog.

Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe YOU were supposed to do the converting? Big assignment, but I know you're up to it.

The last time I bowled was when my son was 12. He scouted out the smallest ball for me, and I was still astoundingly awful.

As God is my witness, I'll never bowl again.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

You've gotta wonder if there's some verse in the Bible that specifically forbids decent haircuts. I've yet to meet a Bible thumper with a decent 'do.

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

See, that's what happens when you don't invite me. I would have completely responded to all your "ball" jokes!

Damn!

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Damn. I have always wanted my own cult. Another mist (missed) opportunity.

crank,

It's a sin to spend more than $12 on a haircut. "Though your hair is like a bird's nest, thou shalt go to GreatClips; though the cut will be awful, it shall be no more than $12." --Isaiah 1:18

kiyotoe,

I need someone to laugh at all my ball jokes. What are you doing this weekend? Or every day for that matter. I talk about balls a lot.

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Balls! Hee hee hee. I would have laughed my ass off. Good thing I don't belong to a Bible study.

 
At 5:00 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I hate it when a good "ball" joke goes to waste....

 
At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm. I'm having issues with the thought of you AND bible study AND bowling...

But once you mentioned the vodka, my heart was put at ease.

The bowling ball looks just about as shocked as those bible studiers must have been at your bum shaking bowling.

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

wg,

But do you bowl?

pissy,

I was on fire.

kris,

Vodka puts my heart at ease too.

 
At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also hope that no bad karaoke was involved...

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

All the Hollywood shooters in the world can't make me karaoke. The world should thank me for it.

 
At 7:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A night of drinking and ball jokes. You need to join my bowling league. Because no matter what the ball jokes and the drinking never get old.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger C said...

He wanted help with all the balls. I think you miscounted. Those are 7 balls including the ones in his pants - I think he really wanted to show you where he kept his bible.

 
At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank god...I feel the same!

 
At 8:57 PM, Anonymous the Laughorist said...

Were you throwing overhand? Leaving your fingers out of the holes for fear of tempting those around you with indecent thoughts. You should've filmed this and had them put this on the reissued DVD of The Big Lebowski.

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

shife,

Do I have to bring my own Bible, or can I rent one with the shoes?

c,

I'm not very good with numbers.

claudia,

I try to keep my humiliation down to a minimum.

laugh,

Everything I do is underhanded.

 
At 10:32 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Hmmm...13? Bible Study Group? Do I sense a correlation? And it aint about Jesus....

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

I'm not talented enough to bowl a 666. According to Dan, that's impossible.

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger misanthropster said...

It's good that after 8 shots you were still bowling a 13. Honestly, that's better than I could do, drunk or sober.

Tell me, did you have a bad case of bowling ass the next day? I always get a seriously sore butt after I bowl. No clue as to why.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger misanthropster said...

Secondly, your damn word verification thingy is really discriminatory against people who are attempting to comment while drinking.

So no fair.

mebbe I could type the thing better iffen I had more beer.

hmm.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mis,

Hey, maybe it wass the bowling that made my ass sore. Now I wish that I hadn't accused him of, um well, nevermind.

My comment verification sucks for drinkers. I get angry that I have to do it on my own blog. I think I should be exempt.

 
At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Word verification needs some attitude adjustment, and the minute I get my hands on my 44 oz Louisville Slugger, it's getting it. right between the 4th and 5th letter

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

After you're done with word verification, I have a short list of people who could use some attitude adjustment as well.

I love your new pic.

 
At 9:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
This could be the start of something good! Wait, that's a song...

 
At 9:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But that song is way before your time. When are you going to graduate from college anyway?

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Your ancient musical references are lost on me. I graduate in 2010. No, seriously. What are you laughing at?

 
At 6:30 PM, Blogger Babs said...

There are people out there that bowl without drinking? I always gave up 1/2 way through the game and just stayed in the bar.

 
At 9:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
there you were, doing martial arts, a high kick and your panties float over the guys face, and then, bam, another kick to the solar plexus, and down he goes. like a fallen tree

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

babs,

You can be on my team.

0,

I do my own stunts.

 
At 8:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sh****sh...

You are too funny!!! I have been hollering at this computer...

HILARIOUS...

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!

 
At 7:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

counselor,

What did your computer ever do to you?

Thanks for coming by.

 

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Name: Mist1
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