To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Skillz


Recently, I've been thinking that maybe I could use some fitness in my life.

I've been finding myself strangely attracted to sneakers. I have no real use for sneakers. My definition of fitness does not require athletic wear. My daily workout consists of one sit-up when my alarm goes off, and three more for each time that I hit the snooze button. Also, I have really acrobatic sex.

I try to eat right. Cheeseburgers have every food in the new and improved food pyramid. Wine is made from grapes and that counts as a fruit. Yes, I enjoy my cheeseburgers with wine.

This routine has kept me below my target BMI for years. Still, I keep thinking that I could benefit from a little exercise. To prepare, I bought two pair of sneakers (a pair of boots, and two pair of heels).

Feeling one step closer to my new fit lifestyle, I decided to stop by the gym and renew my membership. Several months ago, I was asked to leave the gym and never come back. Surely, they wouldn't remember. They did. I have to say that I have never looked better than the picture they have of me up on the wall behind the desk.

Not easily defeated, I stopped at the local movie store and purchased several workout videos. I am the proud owner of a complete set of dance workout DVDs. Bellydance, hip-hop, Afro-Cuban, Polka, Jazz, Tap, and Strip-aerobics.

I rushed home, opened a bottle of wine, pushed the coffee table out of the way and closed the blinds. I smoked a cigarette and sat down to watch strip-aerobics. I was feeling more fit already.

Just before bed, as I was brushing my teeth, I decided to try out some of the choreography. I stood in the bathroom mirror and undid my pants. They dropped to my ankles. I kicked them off dramatically. My pants flew up into the air above my head and landed directly in the toilet.

I am a quick learner.

Mist 1


62 Comments:

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Potty pants...they are all the rage!

 
At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

I find that hitting snooze also tones my deltoids, lats, and biceps.

 
At 9:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The shopping for work-out clothing is all the exercise you need.

 
At 10:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

Good. Because I'm not planning on doing laundry any time soon.

alison,

You are a rigorous snooze button hitter. Do you stretch out first?

aisby,

That's what I'm thinking too.

 
At 11:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You just need to focus on your "pole" work and you'll be fine.

And I don't see why my gym is so ridiculous about it's no open-beers policy. F___ing nazis. I mean, I come there for the atmmosphere.

 
At 12:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

knickers in the loo I hate when that happens.

Sneakers are nothing to do with sport (we call them Trainers over here). I NEVER wear trainers cos they are just ugly really but about 7 years ago I bought my first pair if red converse all stars (I hope these don't count as sneakers or trainers)cos I love them. At the time I paid a fortune and only 1 shop in London stocked them, people made fun of mean for 'trying to be american' haha I say now cos they've taken over the UK and I bet all those mean people have a pair.

 
At 3:04 AM, Blogger singleton said...

Love it! I tried taking ballet for the stretch. The studio was behind a beer and oyster bar so we would do our barre exercises, flit across the floor and then hit the bar! After a while, we decided we would be much lighter on our feet if we slurped oysters and slugged beer first.....

And,no, The Mistress wouldn't let us back in the door!

 
At 3:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tell ya, Mickey-D's is missing the boat. The wine McCellar would be huge. Grimmace would clearly be the mascot for that line.

So, would that be a read wine with cheeseburgers and white with McNuggets? I get so lost with fine dining.

 
At 4:53 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Now who's being silly? I can teach you to strip in a way that keeps all your clothing dry and within your possession. I can't guarantee you'll look sexy or get fit but it sounds like you've got those covered anyway.

Puss

 
At 4:56 AM, Anonymous rose said...

That could be a very strange new from of aerobics - how far can you throw your knickers while your still wearing them...

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Gym policies are so uptight. That whole non-smoking thing is retarded. And the policy that says that no one with an obsessive compulsive exercising addiction can have a membership is really dumb too.

shadow,

What the hell did you people wear before Converse? Were you all barefoot?

singleton,

I've got to stock up on oysters and beer. I would be much more flexible then. That's how that usually works for me.

kev,

I would pair nuggets with a pink champagne. They just seem so festive to me and nothing says festive and value meal like pink champagne.

puss,

I am as graceful as a gazelle. Only, not four-legged.

rose,

It has a strong potential that I will get hurt. Of course, so does walking.

 
At 5:52 AM, Blogger cinders said...

Remember that sleeping burns more calories than watching tv... plus the O's help with cardiovascular fitness.

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cinders,

I guess I should take a nap then. The O's will have to wait. Damn.

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger Dan said...

I'm not sure what strip exercise is (I'm usually already naked when I'm doing my sit-ups with the snooze button, et. al.) but I believe it deserves to sweep the nation.

Imagine. Instead of driving past those storefronts with HUGE windows and seeing those little bastards in their ju-jitsu uniforms, I can be seeing sexy babes stripping. Damn! I would no longer have to go to the bank and ask Mrs. Miller, in a sheepish manner, for 400 singles. Man, this would rule!

 
At 5:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

You know how not everyone in the gym is hot enough for spandex? Well, in strip aerobics, they'd be naked.

Think about it.

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger vincentblackshadow said...

Sex is equvalient of running a 4 minute mile.

What more do you need?

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger The Naked Nerd said...

LOL LOL LOL Sounds like you're getting ready for the Olympics! Remember don't over do it at first! ;)

 
At 6:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Strip aerobics is the best. At least once a month I sit down and watch my Carmen Electra one. I feel healthier afterwards.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Margaret said...

Hmmm, I bought Carmen Electra's stripper work-out and didn't learn the pants-in-the-toilet move.

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger Killer said...

Don't workout. I for one am fully embracing the fattening of America. I can not wait until the obese out number the svelt.
At that time I will rise up and lead a rebellion against all things skinny. We shall march from the McDonalds and Krispy Kremes and burn every gym around.
Join me my portly brethren!
The Rebellion will be Catered!
(insert diabolical laughing here, followed by sound of crunching potato chips)

 
At 7:38 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Feel the burn, Mist, feel the burn.

Sexercise is ALWAYS the way to go. Let's just say I have the strongest jaw muscles in the entire Potomac region.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Strip aerobics at home? Sounds good to me, but my two sons would be traumatized. Oh, well,time to fire up the DVD player and sock away some money now for their future therapy.

As for the cheeseburgers and wine, how very continental!

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

vince,

Only more vocal.

nerd,

Is there a US workout DVD watching team?

karma,

I feel sexier and more fit.

margaret,

Did you watch the special features?

killer,

Who's your caterer? Maybe I'll enlist.

123,

I. Am. Dying. You're too much. Really.

velvet,

It is your job as a parent to traumatize your children. What are you waiting for?

 
At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn, that sounds like an exercise plan I'd actually stick with!

 
At 8:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I try to eat right. Cheeseburgers have every food in the new and improved food pyramid."

Ahhhhh...I like your style. And I'm also hungry for a cheeseburger. ;)

Steve~

 
At 8:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I keep telling myself I need to exercise too..then I take a nap!

 
At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was the strip-aerobics DVD instructor male or female...and more importantly, Hot? I'm so bored with my porn.

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Drib said...

A quick learner and your aim is dead on. Can you let Trish borrow that strip aerobics video?

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger desiree said...

Smoking IS a workout. Think about all the extra work your heart has to do, with the pumping and the straining, and how much extra work your lungs must do, why, smoking is actually cardiovascular if you ask me.


(*fast forward to my futur death at 38*)

 
At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Oh you should have told me you were looking for sexerobics tape.

I've got a particularly good "cardio" session on tape here I can send you. The lighting isn't the greatest - but I think I look better in candlelight.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Maybe I should be a fitness trainer. I feel so inspirational right now.

steve,

You must have pickles on it if you want to get your vegetable in.

claudia,

A good nap does wonders for my motivation.

lee,

Female. Very hot. But porn-worthy it's not. There's not even one dildo involved.

drib,

I'm not Blockbuster. Trish will have to come over and workout with me.

desiree,

You know, maybe I'm being too ambitious. I should just stick to smoking. A cold beer burns calories too, as your body has to work to heat it up to body temperature.

britt,

Post a link on your blog.

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

Hell to the naw. You are wild. So basically what you're suggesting is that I go to the gym, sit down and just pretend I'm really at a Nascar race?

 
At 10:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I personally like the Afro Cuban... being white I was hoping that if I worked out to it, it would make my D*ck grow bigger...

 
At 10:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought dildos were for sitcoms.

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger anastasia said...

Let me know how the Polka DVD works out for ya.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stilt,

Watching NASCAR will make you a better driver.

dallas,

I'll let you know. So far, I haven't grown a dick yet.

lee,

Laugh tracks are for sitcoms. Dildos are for orgasms. Dildos are okay for sitcoms, but laugh tracks are not okay for orgasms.

anastasia,

Will do. I plan on watching that one tonight.

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger melanie said...

why did you move the coffee table again? i mean where did you set down your glass of wine, and the ashtray?

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger Violet said...

Good plan... Fitness can be highly overrated.

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger mrsmogul said...

I miss working out! Myabe I can get a work out tape? But then I dont have a VHS/DVD player at the moment.

Toilet olympics is next!

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Cheeky said...

To properly appreciate strip aerobics you must have the pole - it is a necessity!

 
At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooops. No wonder he looked so confused.

 
At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have this toilet fetish, don't you?

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

melanie,

Good questions. I never put down my wine glass. What would be the point? I'm just going to pick it up again. The ashtray I balance on my knee. It's quite a feat.

violet,

Dry pants are also overrated.

mogul,

I'm sure you can paly the DVD on your computer. Unless you are using a typewriter to blog.

cheeky,

I plan on hiring some day laborers in the Home Depot parking lot to install one.

lee,

Glad I could straighten that out.

odat,

I never noticed, but now that you mention it...

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger Lindsey said...

LOL. Completely hysterical!!!

Your idea of fitness ties in quite well with mine. I do more viewing of the videos than I do working out with them.

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lindsey,

Laughter is good exercise. You should see my abs.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

How perfect! Increasing your fitness and learning a useful skill. Well done!

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

It's amazing what I can do when I apply myself.

 
At 4:23 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

I went looking for some "fitness" and wound up at Dunkin' Donuts.

Yep. I "fit" right in.

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Your plan would work for me.

Except for the cigarette part...guess I could eat a cookie or some chocolate while I watched....

 
At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

next...we'll work on getting the bottoms of your feet black!! :)

 
At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Veronica said...

Yesterday I bought a mini stair stepper and put it in front of my computer (which I put up on a shelf). Now if I want to surf the net, I have to stand on the stair stepper. I don't have to move - just stand on it, but I think that's a good start. Later I will work my way up to putting on shoes first.

 
At 5:34 PM, Anonymous Veronica said...

Yesterday I bought a mini stair stepper and put it in front of my computer (which I put up on a shelf). Now if I want to surf the net, I have to stand on the stair stepper. I don't have to move - just stand on it, but I think that's a good start. Later I will work my way up to putting on shoes first.

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

acrobatic sex AND strip aerobics? You are such a tease......

 
At 6:10 PM, Blogger Babs said...

Pizza can also fit that food pyramid. And maybe I'll be getting free health food for life soon.
I work out for an hour each morning with my snooze alarm. Maybe I need to step up my nighttime routine.

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

You can't just leave us hanging like this. What did you do to get 86'ed at the gym?

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

Anything you eat in the morning doesn't count.

pissy,

You can have the chocolate, I'll stick to my Marlboro Ultra Lights. It's practically like being a nonsmoker.

claudia,

You have porn feet. I've heard about you.

veronica,

Start slowly. Consult a physician before you begin.

kiyotoe,

Tee hee.

babs,

An hour in the morning? You are dedicated.

hearts,

It's tragic, really. I think it's funny, but everyone else just thinks I'm pathetic. I can't tell you...yet.

 
At 10:38 AM, Anonymous poetiq expression said...

I love your morning workout. I should try that myself. LOL

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

poetiq,

It works wonders.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

My daily workout consists of one sit-up when my alarm goes off, and three more for each time that I hit the snooze button.

It's lines like these that keep me coming back for more.

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

Let's be honest, you keep coming back because sooner or later you know that I'm going to run out of things to blog about and I'm going to post a photo of myself in my panties.

 
At 9:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Keeps me coming back too

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

I thought it was my smashing good looks.

 

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