One Flew East, One Flew West
Once a year, I take a vacation. I would take one more frequently, but my insurance won't cover it.
Two weeks of horseback riding, swimming, tennis, yoga, group therapy, meds, and some time in the Quiet Room always refreshes me. Also, I love Arts & Crafts.
I know it seems a little extreme to vacation in a state-of-the-art Nut House. I could just take a Club Med vacation, but the good people at Club Med aren't as all inclusive as they claim to be. You are on your own for drugs. At my preferred vacation spot, the drugs are included and you get to take some home with you at the end of your stay.
The med line is a bit inconvenient. I never like to wait in line. But when that little white paper cup is in my hand and I have tongued the pink ones for the girl down the hall who trades me for her yellow pills, the wait seems insignificant.
I have pretty good insurance. Other people aren't so lucky. It's not always easy to get accepted. Either I have to wait for someone to hang themselves in their sheets or I have to sell myself. Sometimes, I have to develop a facial tic. Other times, I have to wrap myself in tin foil and stand on the roof holding a wire hanger to talk to the aliens (they come in peace). Last time, I took to crafting clever little magnetic poems in the admissions lobby. I knew that it was a test. I wrote:
This solitary thought
A brilliant storm
One voice
Hers
Not mine
I am beside myself
Then, I refused to answer any questions directed toward Mist 1. "Mist isn't here right now."
It's more than just good insurance. It takes a certain amount of skill too.
Of course, if that doesn't work, I suppose sleeping with the clinical director couldn't hurt.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:23 AM
62 Comments:
i drag my leg and bend my arm with ever so slight an amount of drool. it gets me in faster.
Play nicely with the other children, dear, and don't forget to write to your father and me. We've asked the nice counselors to keep a special eye on you, so don't try anything smart like you did last year.
Love,
Mom
Sometimes I think running away to an empty island, shunning the world and living off the land would be fantastic, no people to deal with, no poilitics, no government. Then I remember who much I like candy floss...
But can you still do your posts there??????? betcha they don't have sign on privelges there...I'd look for another vacation spot if i were you!
(P.s., nice poem)
Peace
srg,
Drool is key. You are so right.
hearts,
Tell Mom that I blame her.
nerd,
The rainbow of meds doesn't make me a better person, it makes me able to tolerate everyone else.
Will go vote after kitty and I go to the vet.
shadow,
When you say living off the land, you mean shopping and fine dining, right?
odat,
Where do you think I post from everyday? Gotta go, my nurse is here with my morning meds.
I've always thought that a convalescent home would be a great vacation spot. You get to meet interesting people, learn about the future and aliens, hear about conspiracies, and lay around and watch TV while someone named George bathes you. What could possibly be better?
Hey you need to hook a sista up.....I could use an all inclusive vacation....
av,
George has great hands.
cheeky,
You have to earn it. Start talking to yourself. Tell people that the CIA is giving you messages through your tv. I'll see you there!
Hmm I am afraid that if I apply for that vacation they won't ever let me leave...hmm no work and free doses of happy pills for the rest of my life, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe I could even meet a guy there!
Brilliant. I need to take more vacations like that. Free meds? What more could a girl want?
Mist -
This is possibly the single most inspired thing I have seen you post. I'm truly impressed!!
You do a voluntary admission so they can treat your 'problems'... you get the room, board and drugs... then you check yourself out when the insurance stops paying so you don't have any out of pocket...it's Brilliant!!
If you ever decide to vacation at any of the facilities in my neck of the woods, let me know and be sure to put me on the visitors list!!
Clever title. Sleeping with people is always a good way of getting what you want, unless you want a lasting relationship.
Puss
(So young and yet so cynical.)
I just spent all this money on ropes & razor blades, and all I have to do is DROOL?
The other visitors at Club Med are BOR-Ring.
The other guest at Club Med are BOR-Ring
If you threaten to kill yourself it gets even better. You get your own personal assistant to stay with you at all times, and you get to wear some really nice paper clothes.
Convenience is everything.
When all other ammenities are in my immediate neighborhood, it is such a pain in the ass that I have to drive to the methadone clinic.
I know a couple that's going to a dude ranch for their vacation. It's not so ridiculous to pay someone to just wig out for a couple of weeks.
You don't have to do your hair and you can just shuffle around in nightgown outside, muttering to yourself. Brilliant.
And then if you're really lucky, one of the aids will "molest" you while you "sleep." That prolly cost extra.
I find that rocking in corner whilest trying to hit your head against the person next to you works beautifully. Drool IS a given.
Don't use that; that one's mine. And don't bogart the blue pills again.
See, the idiot I am went about it all wrong and ended up getting my chest cracked open and a new heart valve. I guess I over did it on the breathihg difficulty part and should have concentrated on talking to myself more.
Now I've got this damn valve ticking away in my chest and I can never escape the tick, tick, tick...hey wait a minute, there's my ticket to the HMO Day Spa right there. Do you hear it? Tick, tick, tick?
Personally, you're too good to sleep with the clinical director. Why not just go straight for the pharmacy lady?
oh, to have a paid vacation like that.. Running around in your jammies, dancing to the drug induced music in your head, and free meals. I'm sure people wipe your bum for you too. It's kinda like lifestyles of the rich and famous.
I'm batman.... no really.. I'm batman! --- seriously I'M BAT-phreaking - Woman!
ok so Mist, once you're in what's the best cocktail to procure?
monkey,
Generally, it's frowned upon to date in the nut house. Unless, he's The One. Or thinks that he's The One. Or thinks that he's anyone else really.
karma,
Start planning! Oh, and pack light.
mr. g,
Thanks. I'll be sure to put you on the list. When you come, please bring me a Sudoku book.
puss,
But who would want a lasting relationship? Sometimes, you can be so silly.
tug,
I still don't understand why you don't consult with me before decisions like this. Save the razors and rope, you can barter with the other patients for cigarettes and stuff.
margaret,
You'd think with a name like Club Med that it would be more fun. I prefer Club Meds.
killer,
I know! I was so pissed when they took my laces out of my sneakers.
matt,
Can't you get your methadone delivered?
ctw,
I practically invented drooling. I've got this blank stare that I do and then, I let it pour. You should see it.
norm,
My favorite was when they let us decorate our flip flops with fake flowers and jewels and stuff. It was fun until someone had to go and inflict a burn on her own arm with the hot glue gun. Some people ruin everything.
michael,
I can hear it. Try to tear it out. That should be your ticket in. By the way, you took too many steps. Next time, try not to mess with any important organs.
drib,
If I wanted to sleep with a drug dealer, I'd still be with my juvenile delinquent boyfriend.
darlene,
I felt pampered. We had a massage therapist.
mayren,
The yellows are good in the morning, but no good after lunch. The little red ones are divine about an hour before bed during jigsaw puzzle time. Also, you may want to wear tights when you are claiming to be Bat Woman. It's more convincing. Other than that, well done.
vacation? insurance? what's that???
My husband is constantly threatening to send me to the loony bin.
I've told him for years - please do. They don't even make you do your own damn laundry there!
Can you recommend a good one? Last time the one here wouldn't let me in because I tried to bring my own bubble bath.
claudia,
Hmmmm. This is a tough situation. Please refer to the sentence regarding sleeping with clinical director.
britt,
You don't bring your own bubble bath because you make bath salts in Arts & Crafts.
I think you've just given a whole new meaning to the term "medical tourism."
crank,
The only problem is that the gift shop is rather limited. I have a hard time finding souvenirs.
what kind of movies do you get to see there?
melanie,
I always voted for Girl, Interrupted, but the staff shot me down.
Well, at least you have found a state of the art facility. I worked in that field and we never offered horse back riding, or swimming, or anything, really. You weren't even allowed to watch TV (you were never sure if Wheel of Fortune could set someone off).
Enjoy your vacation! And remember, if you have a history of hospitalization for "personal issues" or depression, they can TOTALLY deny you life insurance (and someday I bet employment as well), so get your meds off the street man, they will track your presriptions.
Hi, not sure if the wobbly letters are to blame or if you just don't like me any more. Frowny face.
This is an uniquely awkward position. I either pull the "Why don't you want to be my Interweb friend and approve my comments any more?" card or the "I'm an idiot blog stalker who can't figure out what letters to put in the box."
My Dad would be so proud. One more try.
desiree,
I would love it if I could be denied for employment. Would that mean that I could live off the state?
123,
I bet your first comment was really good. That's always what happens to me. Sometimes, I blame the wobbly letters. Sometimes, I blame my wobbly self.
You are approved. Go high five your dad.
anastasia,
Bring your slippers.
No, no ... you've got it all wrong.
You don't go to the facility and check yourself in; you go to a nice restaurant, finish off a wonderful meal, then, after the dessert but before the bill, grab onto the table, say something out loud along the lines of "Kill who? Worship what?" and then urinate on yourself.
You'll still wind up with the vacation at Club Meds, but this way you can start it off with a nice meal - and it'll be free!
Do you think they have natural recreational drugs there? The grassy kind? I prefer organic.
That poem rocks.
I'd take a vacation, but I'm self-employed and my bastard boss won't let me go.
I hate him.
kev,
Damn. Well, there's always next year's vacation.
lizza,
You have to have a note from your primary care doctor for that. Thanks for noticing my magnetic poetry talents.
nwjr,
Man, your boss sucks. You should resign immediately. Then sue for mental distress and use that money to cover the cost of your stay.
I have a feeling that given the way my holiday season tends to go, I might be joining you for a lil' R&R. Only thing missing is the bar...
cinders,
Wait to mix alcohol with the meds until after you're at home and unsupervised. It's more fun that way.
Mist, sounds like a wonderful idea. Just remember what happened with the feces last time. You may want to exercise more restraint in the future. ;)
You guys are being naughty. I'd hate to see someone foaming at the mouth, passed out on their living room floor with a smile on their face. That would be so devastating.... Well, aint I the party pooper?
dan,
Please, let's not use the word "restraint." That reminds me of last time too.
poetiq,
I usually pass out on my living room floor, drooling and smile on my face. Also, it's okay to be slightly naughty here. No one really minds.
I have no insurance! Waaaaaaaa! But I still live in Blogville Insane Asylum with hot man hunk doctors.
I imagine someday I'll end up in a state mental home, but they have to catch me first.
What I gotta do to get some of those yellow pills?
"They keep callin' me and callin' me"
I like inventing fascinating, yet twisted, stories during the inkblot tests. I consider that to be a sign of a good imagination an antisocial personality disorder.
Group therapy ... is that along the same line as an orgy?
Never rule out public disturbances. They are the quickest way to end up in the loony bin. Head on down to the bank, jump up on the counter and claim to be all three pointer sisters. See if that doesn't do the trick.
Sara
That clinical doctor is such a bad lay!
Just as long as when you are ready to leave the door is opened for you!!!!
babs,
Hot man hunk doctors? Please send me a link to the admissions office.
kiyotoe,
Willing to trade for yellows. Make an offer.
veronica,
I love inkblots. I say "it's my uncle" for every card.
c,
Sort of. You stick to first names only and share stuff you wouldn't normally share. You don't usually need a shower after.
chief,
Never in a bank. Don't you watch movies. Public disturbances in banks end up in someone getting shot.
nihilistic,
You don't like that thing he does with his tongue.
Well that part...Yeah!
karmyn,
There's a 72-hour minimum stay.
nihilistic,
I thought so.
1
Do I get tokeep my alternative clothing and playthings? Otherwise, I'm not going.
0,
You might have to make those in Arts & Crafts.
I just noticed that there was a rather large typo in my comment. I suppose that my psychologist would have a really good explanation for that.
veronica,
Don't worry. I grade on a curve.
1
Thank G**d you grade on a curve. I'll take Curves for $200. Perhaps they can load those women into my car for me.
0,
Ask Alison about Curves for Women. I get kicked out of fitness clubs.
1
OK, I'll take chocolate desserts for $400 Alex
0,
I'll take the $400, Alex.
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