Involuntary Pedslaughter
I almost murdered a family of six pedestrians.They were lucky. I was in the right lane; stopped at a red light. A MARTA bus was in the left lane blocking my view of the suicidal pedestrians who decided to dart out in front of my car when the light turned green.
I'm one of those drivers who likes to be First. I don't care if I'm just beating the other cars to the next red light. At least I got there First. The only time that I don't like to be First is when I'm putting on mascara. Then I like to have another car in front of me so that I know when to go. I hate it when people honk at me when I'm applying make up.
So, when the light turned green, I jumped out of the blocks. First!
And there they were. They had enough sense to pick up the baby and run. Their lives flashed before my eyes. As I didn't know them personally, it was a brief moment.
For a split second, I was scared. I almost killed them. With witnesses. Then, my rage kicked in. That's a typical response from me. I get especially angry at pedestrians who wear dark colors at night and walk in the middle of the street. I drive at night because reflective clothing washes me out. I understand that pedestrians want to be fashionable too, but is it worth the risk? I want to lean out of my window and shout, "I almost killed you, you son of a b*tch! Don't make me turn this car around."
I swear to G*d. I'll do it.
The word "pedestrian" seems funny to me now. I've used it so many times, that it no longer makes sense. "Pedestrian" sounds more like people from the country Pedestria. Beautiful countyside. Now I feel xenophobic for trying to kill them and hating them so deeply. I am ashamed. I have known some really nice Pedestrians. Decent folks. Stupid, but decent folks nonetheless.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:22 AM
97 Comments:
I'm not in the habit of laughing much when I'm alone. Especially when I'm staring at a computer screen. Laughing alone makes me feel like a nutcase. Kind of like how dogs won't wag their tails when they're alone.
HOWEVER, your comment about people from Pedestria set forth an audible chuckle from me. I immediately looked around my empty apartment in shame because surely everyone in the whole world heard and things I'm retarded.
in rome they give pedestrians a hand-arm signal thingy that starts under the chin and ends with a birdy all in one movement, kind of like a ballet movement all graceful! sounds like you might like to perfect this movement, it may come in handy..... (smile) bee
h & b,
You are in good company. I am retarded too.
empress bee,
I got a cramp trying that movement. Can't I just give them the finger?
Thanks for coming by.
I too consider G*d a vulgar expletive that demands censoring.
I prefer Pedestria in the offseason, less crowds.
You are looking at this all wrong. You need to think of your car as the mighty lion and Pedestrians as gazelles or zebras.
When they see you coming sure bolt but, by picking off the weak and the old, you ensure to survivability of the Pedestrian species.
The strong, the one's who make it safely across the street, survive to reproduce and repopulate the herd with genetically superior Pedestrians. It's the circle of life.
tan,
Taking G*d's name in vain might just be the thing that keeps me from getting through those gates. "We're willing to look past the sex, yes even that kind of sex, we'll look the other way when you teased the one armed kid, but when you said G*d, that was it. I'm sorry Mist, you're going to Hell."
bice,
Hakuna matata.
I live in beautiful Pedestria, I though't I'd say hi on my way to Blogland!
No hard feelings... although on second thoughts... :)
Marie
I took a day-trip to Pedestria once, and what a waste it was...everything there was so slow and pedantic and draaaaaaging. Good thing I had a taser gun in with my passport and trailmix; I chased down the inhabitants, and the actually bolted...right into the middle of the street, whereupon you promptly hit them with your car.
Hahaha! This is so funny.
No, no, don't think of shouting at the people from Pedestria. Take a deep breath and drive serenely on. Unless they shout first, of course. Then you can cuss like a sailor.
Hahaha! This is so funny.
No, no, don't think of shouting at the people from Pedestria. Take a deep breath and drive serenely on. Unless they shout first, of course. Then you can cuss like a sailor.
If you lived in New York, I think you are allowed to run them over.
Portland, Oregon - they have permission to beat the crap out of your car if you come within 2 feet.
Mist1:
Great post as usual...you(in case you haven't heard) are a trip.
:::I immediately looked around my empty apartment in shame because surely everyone in the whole world heard and things I'm retarded.::::
H & B
I in no way, shape, or form think you are retarded.....
I am NOT one of those 'let's go point out other people's spelling mistakes/typos to make myself feel superior' type folks.
I DID however get a chuckle out of 'things I am retarded'
BD
I've been on both sides of that...almost getting hit in broad daylight, on a sidewalk, by someone who was stopped and decided that they didn't want to be stopped anymore while I happened to be in front of them! And I almost hit a family of three as I was turning...it was night and they were not in the crosswalk. and they had the gall to tell me I need to learn to drive. I should have told them I'm from Rome and given them the hand gesture...and then backed up over them.
I believe all pedestrians should be shackled to the side walk so that they can't step off of it. They are always in my way. And the weird thing about it is that when I'm walking on the crosswalk those damn cars are always in my way too!!!
I think you can earn uber-points for hitting an entire family of pedestrians,baby's get a good 100 points all on their own and if you back-up over them...let me just say 'double point system'. Keep up the good work!
Why does pedestrian come from the same root as pedophile? Are pedestrians and pedophiles related? In that case, why are they protected? Shouldn't we be taking out all the child raping street crossers?
Ok I admit it, I'm guilty of dashing out in front of cars...
owl,
Mind your step. Wouldn't want you to get hurt. There are some crazy drivers out there.
jocelyn,
Pedestria is lovely this time of year. Except for the corpses in the streets. Gross.
lizza,
The people from Pedestria always have that startled look on their faces. Have you noticed? Wait, I think you're a Pedestrian, aren't you?
karmyn,
I've always heard that Portland is a tough town.
briliant,
I let these things go. I golb with wine. Sometimes, I misspell stuff to.
claudia,
I live in Georgia. You tell people here that you're from Rome, and they think you're talking about Rome, GA. Super town.
nihilistic,
I don't use the crosswalk. Those lines mean nothing to me.
spoon,
Please don't tell Santa this. I am holding out for a new gaming system.
doc,
I knew that I should have run them over. But, I'm really not into that Public Servant thing.
shadow,
I may have done it once or twice. But only really, really nice cars.
I have a cow catcher on the front of my vehicle, like those old timey trains. I just scoop up the pedestrians so they don't get as hurt. I don't let them get off until I get to where I am going however.
Paedestrianophiles are a blot on our community! They should be destroyed! We need drive thru Walmarts!
I need another drink!
wg,
Their Olympic sprinting team is amazing.
killer,
I want a cow catcher. Do they come in chrome?
archie,
I can't even say that word. So, in order to not appear ignorant, I support what you said. Especially the drink part.
I do this on a daily basis. In NJ these street walkers think that just because they have the 'right of way' that I see them. Lets see.....soft flesh vs. 1 ton of metal and palstic going 60 mph.....I wonder who would win????
Have you been drinking that expensive body lotion you bought in Pedestria, or just inhaling it?
honkeie,
The term "Right of Way" means nothing to me.
Thanks for coming by.
swamp,
I never inhaled.
A little-known race, denizens of Pedestria are known for their suicidal tendencies - leading their neighbours, the Angry Motoristians, to dub them 'the lemming race'. Tensions have run high between the two countries since the Pedestrian government authorised the paving over of the road running along the border. Its subsequent population with numerous coffee shops, public scuplture and street entertainers has led some political commentators to see the move as a deliberately passive aggressive one designed to engender reactive measures from their automotive neighbours...
Puss
I believe that the proper term is "Pedestrian-Americans", or so I've heard. I'm not very PC. I prefer to call them "obstacles."
Pedestria is on my list of next places I want to visit. I heard the people there are so nice.
We should do a Video Documentary of you taking a trip around 285 at rush hour. Just think of all the new Launguage metaphors and driving tips our learning drivers could get when we sell it to various driver's education groups.
Later Y'all
Oh they knew what they were doing darting out in front of you - those darn people from Pedestria like to play games like that and try to invoke road rage in us....that is why we have instituted a points system for when we hit them.....and if you get the whole lot - well that is just a bonus that takes you straight to the top.
I don't know if I can read your blog anymore. I don't support racism or xenophobia of any kind.
"Their lives flashed before my eyes. As I didn't know them personally, it was a brief moment."
I like you a lot.
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
p.s. I'm having a lot of trouble submitting my comment so if it comes over about 8 times, please forgive me!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
p.s. I'm having a lot of trouble submitting my comment so if it comes over about 8 times, please forgive me!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
p.s. I'm having a lot of trouble submitting my comment so if it comes over about 8 times, please forgive me!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
p.s. I'm having a lot of trouble submitting my comment so if it comes over about 8 times, please forgive me!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
p.s. I'm having a lot of trouble submitting my comment so if it comes over about 8 times, please forgive me!
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
p.s. I'm having a lot of trouble submitting my comment so if it comes over about 8 times, please forgive me!
Someone should print a pamphlet for care and feeding of your Pedestria, especially around the holidays. I mean they're irresistible in the pet store. They just cross the aisles not really paying attention to the shopping carts and staring at the pretty lights. I just don't want to see the shelters start filling up with them when their owners realize how much work taking care of a Pedestria really is.
I swear to Christ, there is nothing worse than an empowered woman behind six cylinders.
Through the magic of the modern combustion engine, a 90-pound weakling metamorphazies into a one-ton beast capable of outrunning--by a factor of two or more--the hungriest cheetah alive today.
(BTW, could you recommend a good attorney?)
We don't have as much of a problem with them as we do the cab drivers in this city. I swear, if they know how to spell their own name, they are given the privledge to drive around like they're driving bumper cars. Maybe they're from Pedestria too.
We don't have as much of a problem with them as we do the cab drivers in this city. I swear, if they know how to spell their own name, they are given the privledge to drive around like they're driving bumper cars. Maybe they're from Pedestria too.
The other day I almost killed a pedestrian. She darted out into the middle of the street while I was checking my rearview to pull out of my parking space on a ONE WAY STREET. The woman gave me a dirty look, like I was the one illegally jaywalking on a ONE WAY STREET where people don't think to check for oncoming traffic because there ISN'T ANY besides stupid pedestrians.
I am not the bird-flipping type, but sometimes I wish I had the balls...
The other day I almost killed a pedestrian. She darted out into the middle of the street while I was checking my rearview to pull out of my parking space on a ONE WAY STREET. The woman gave me a dirty look, like I was the one illegally jaywalking on a ONE WAY STREET where people don't think to check for oncoming traffic because there ISN'T ANY besides stupid pedestrians.
I am not the bird-flipping type, but sometimes I wish I had the balls...
Sounds like their fault 100%. I'd back you in court if it had come to it. Hopefully someday someone will introduce the automobile or at least the wheel to the good, simple people of Pedestria ;-)
Although inspired by real life's almost tragic events, it was a great post!
p.s. I was having trouble posting comments, so if you got this comment 10 times, I'm really, really sorry. Pedestrians are naturally computer illiterate.
HEY! I come from a long line of Pedestrians! My Father was Mayor of Pedestria till he was caught obeying all traffic rules. They kicked him out because he refused to jay-walk anymore and thus ended his illustrious political career.
Ya know he was a vice-presidential hopeful?!? He used to shoot his friends while hunting too... Ole' Dick Chaney stole that move from my Pedestria-bound Dad.
Oh god I did that one time. Except I actually hit the guy. Tapped, I barely touched him. He was fine. But it was horrifying. Atlanta traffic sucks. You should hear the things I yell in my car.
i can't seriously be the only one who thinks of pedestrians as bowling pins when I'm driving.
I'm for putting a curfew in effect for all pedestrians!!!
Peace
i can't seriously be the only one who thinks of pedestrians as bowling pins when I'm driving.
i can't seriously be the only one who thinks of pedestrians as bowling pins when I'm driving.
I think you almost manslaughtered them, more than almost murdered..
You've just figured out the problem with people from Pedestria: they don't speak English.
So the term "Right of Way" has no meaning to them either.
i can't seriously be the only one who thinks of pedestrians as bowling pins when I'm driving.
The people from Pedestria aren't decent at all.
Plus, I hear they are working on weapons of mass destruction. ;)
Steve~
A baby!? Baby's are worth like 50 points aren't they? Was there an old person and a walker too? DINGDINGDING!
This is why the 70's were so uneventful...neon clothes keep cars away.
Am I the only one who sees the irony here? Check out #4, in the definitions of Pedestrian
You almost hit the pedestrians because their clothing was so... pedestrian.
puss,
You are the most informed person I know. Did you study anthropology?
velvet,
Pedestrians are a wonderfully diverse group of folks.
icl,
Stay at the b & b on Main Street. Great place.
melon,
I try really hard not to document my life on video.
cheeky,
Those sneaky bastards.
av,
How many vagina photos will I have to post here to win back your affections?
mailman,
Don't worry. That will change. I have a special way of making people dislike me a lot too.
fringes,
You may kiss the ring.
michael,
I wondered why I had 45 emails.
furious,
They are sensitive to sunlight, you can't feed them after midnight, and never get them wet.
matt,
I am not a 90-pound weakling. I am 104 and a force to be reckoned with.
darlene,
I'm going to be a cab driver. I have all the qualifications.
kelley,
I think you might be confused about flipping the bird. You use your hand, not your balls.
mayren,
Tell your people to wear reflective clothing and cow bells.
karma,
Did you back up and run over him again?
miztris,
Wanna go bowling tonight?
odat,
There will be riots. Blood will fill the streets.
margaret,
I was trying to be PC. Manslaughter is all kinds of offensive.
pissy,
I am always amazed when people read the comments.
strawberry,
Did you have to follow a yellow brick road?
steven,
I say we wage war.
lee,
Elderly Pesdestria are worth more than infants? Boy, their culture is really weird.
I did a post about this a few months ago after a similar experience. I think they are all lemmings with a serious death wish.
mr. fab,
I hate washing my car. Have you seen what a Pedestrian can do to your paint job?
Thanks for coming by.
tug,
The 90s saw a rebirth of Pedfriendly clothing.
maven,
Pedfashion sucks.
hearts,
Lemmings are so cute.
if you do kill someone, just make sure that you don't get caught. Then everything'll be just fine. Unless the ghost comes back to get you. Then things might get a bit iffy.
Damn pedestrians any way !! what WERE they thinking ???
choo,
There is plenty of time to worry about ghosts when I'm dead.
puss,
I wish I had a BS.
mj,
I feel like going out driving again.
I have know few pedestrians so I am biased against their kind. They seem so hard to reach and impersonal...scuttling fast in their long winter coats. What's the hurry?
Leave Pedestria alone! :) I wish I came from Pedestria. It would help me lose weight.
-N
You know what's crazy? I can be a hard-bitten, tough kind of driver who gets mad at residents of Pedestria, but then I am walking somewhere and I do the very same stuff I get mad at when I'm driving. Split personality?
OOO I have to be first too! even when I am putting on Mascara.
I am SO the same way. Have to be first. Must get in front of all driving cars unless one happens to be cop. Glad you didn't murder anyone but it would serve them right. :)
You see? This is why I don't drive.
lol oh girl you just make me snort like crazy. which isnt very becomming but funny in its own right.
Pedestria. is that somewhere between austria and germany? lol it just sounds skandinavian. lol
yaaahhhh...
Depends on who it belongs to.
You are so much kinder than I, Mist. I would have ran their asses over then said, "Aw great, now look what you made me do! I spilled my friggin' coffee in my lap running over your childs skull! Damn you! You owe me a latte!"
Then again, I'm a New Yorker. It's a different breed.
Love the blog. How do we have so many mutual "friends" and I have not been here before, Hmmmmm???
CP.
Do you use the point system?
I have a high score of 1238
If you don't...er... never mind.
if pedestrians come from pdestria ... where do vegetarians come from?
and if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
and why dont clowns eat cannibals? is it cos they taste funny?
i lie awake worrying about these things.
excellent log btw.
To Velvet Girl, I am so impressed with you PC Prowess. "Pedestrian-Americans." What a thoughtful person you are to add one more to our list. And I, prefer to call them "targets."
At first I thought this was a uniquely funny post, but now I'm finding it fairly pedestrian.
I'm confused.
c,
I am overwhelmed with your desire to understand Pedestrians better.
natalia,
These Pedestrians must have had metabolism problems.
othur,
I love the good people of Equestria. They are always horsing around. Sorry, that was bad.
rhea,
Do you have dual citizenship?
dallas,
Your lashes are to die for. What kind do you use?
beth,
I am trying to keep the homicide rate down for the rest of the year.
tracy,
I suggest you run. I am not a good driver.
yasamin,
Sadly, Pedestria has been ravaged by civil war. The inhabitants are scattered across the globe.
av,
I was thinking of my guinea pig's.
cp,
People are always remarking on my kindness. About our mutual friends, they were all like, "Don't tell CP about Mist's blog." And I was all like, "No, let's tell her."
Thanks for coming by.
britt,
You must drive a Hummer.
peter,
Please email me a flow chart. Your thought process is complex.
Thanks for stopping by.
swamp,
Velvet is so kind. Velvet is also very soft.
nwjr,
Sigh, I'm pedestrian.
When I was just a lad, my dear old Mom taught me the skill of quickly tallyiing up the points one might score if you ran down various pedestrians.
1 point for an able bodied man or woman, two for an adults toting child, three for a woman pushing a baby carriage.
For some reason, mom gave 4 points for the imaginary slaughter of a cleric in the crosswalk.
And now I've passed along this legacy to my own daughter, who asked me the other night if a crutch-bound person was worth more, or fewer, points than an able-bodied person.
I am truly going to hell.
mystic,
I'll be there too. I hope there's wi-fi.
It's almost a given that any post that begins with "I almost murdered a family of six pedestrians" is going to be good.
And of course it was! You rock!Mist1 for president.
Sheesh, that would have scared me too.
Great post.
you think reflective clothing looks bad, wait till you put on those prison jumpsuits for involuntary manslaughter!
thats not a vogue enough statement for you dear. and the shoes? don't get me started.
from: a pedestrian.
dan,
I was thinking of running for First Lady.
debbie,
It was the witnesses that scared me.
melanie,
Was that a threat? Because the part about shoes sounded like a threat.
Hmmmm, perhaps we could get you some work as a proofreader. ;)
Not that you're seeking my vote of greatness, but you're too damn funny.
I mean, not just anyone can write a post about a driver nearly massacring a family and leave all the readers cheering for the driver. That, my dear, is a gift.
Forget about the mascara. Next time, balance a cup of hot coffee, bite into a granola bar, try to photograph the street scene with your cell phone and change CDs while gunning the light and taking out the passersby. Anything else would be pedestrian.
PS While on that topic, check out the video I posted on my blog last night.
You want to run for First Lady or run over the First Lady?
matt,
Anytime.
deezee,
Who else would you cheer for? The people of Pedestria?
andrea,
I left out the part about text messaging, taking video of me driving, trying to find the remote for my stereo, and searching for a hotspot.
csb,
Well, now that you mention it...both.
Guinea pig porn is a favorite of mine. How did you know?
Mist -
I do in fact drive an SUV.
But not a Hummer. I don't do Hummers anymore. I'm married.
av,
Who doesn't like a little rodent on rodent action?
britt,
If all these Hummers I'm giving end up in proposal, I'm rethinking my strategy. I'll go back to Altoids.
phoenix,
The cockroach image was beautiful. I wish I had thought of that.
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