To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, December 08, 2006

Passive Aggressive


Years ago, I bought some really expensive body lotion. I was abroad and this was when you could still travel with lotion and other liquids. The label on the bottle is so pretty that I couldn't bring myself to use it. Until yesterday.

I opened the bottle and inhaled the sweet citrus scent. I tilted the bottle slightly and poured the watery lotion into my hand and onto the floor. By my calculations, I poured $12.52 of lotion directly into the bathroom rug.

Disgusted, I smeared the runny lotion onto my dry skin. It covered one square inch of my body. I am larger than one square inch. I considered scraping the spilled lotion up out of the rug. I knealt down and examined it. I could pick the hair out. It would be fine. Except for that hair that I don't think is from my head.

I decided to shake the bottle. Maybe the thickening agents had settled to the bottom. I shook vigorously. This would have been a great idea if I had thought to put the lid back on the bottle. Creamy, white lotion splattered all over the walls and ceiling and floor.

I cursed. My bathroom looked like a scene from a porn movie. Viscous white liquid dripped from everything.

I know what I have to do. I guess porn inspires me.

There's this guy that I've been trying to get rid of for awhile. He doesn't take my hints. I hate to be a b*tch. It's time to take passive aggressive action.

I'm going to call him this weekend and see if he'd like to come over and watch a movie.

Before he gets here, I'll mess up my hair. Then I'll go into my bedroom and shake up the bottle of lotion again.

I can't wait for him to get here. Is it too much if I walk with a limp?

Mist 1


90 Comments:

At 8:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's hysterical! I never knew that lotion could be so funny.

Hope your plan works. Then again, if he's really into that kind of stuff, you'll never get rid of him.

Good luck!

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I think the limp would be a nice touch.

 
At 9:15 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Better if HE has the limp -- you may have to run.

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Why Mist, you dirty little minx.

Clever.

 
At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha you get snaps on creativity!
but be carefull it might just fuel his infatuation with you

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger spoon said...

oh gross Mist - it's not worth scraping up man...the short and curly was the last straw!!

But great idea to get rid of this bloke. You could do your own movie, "How to lose a man in 1 hour".

 
At 11:01 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

Sometimes I just am at a loss for words.

This is one of those times.

 
At 11:49 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Too much? No way, lady. Staying moisturized is no easy task. Do what you gotta do.

 
At 2:19 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

If you walk with a limp, make sure you scratch your crotch frequently as well. These things shouldn't be left to chance.

Puss

 
At 3:22 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Nope, the limp is good. But start a timer when he gets there and ask him if he brought cash. Remind him that you got a movie on the short side just in case he was broke.

 
At 4:49 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

If you can't get rid of him, prepare for Plan B -- the limp may turn him on.

 
At 4:50 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Not a limp.

You need to walk like a duck.

 
At 5:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could just tell him your making rabbit for dinner...

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I hadn't considered that he might like it.

pissy,

I'm really good at the limp, see?

hearts,

I'll wear sneakers.

lbb,

Don't tell him, okay?

junkie,

You're right, my creativity is an asset.

spoon,

I'm not even sure the hair was mine.

alison,

I expect him to be speechless too.

123,

Exactly.

puss,

What would I do without your advice?

wg,

Cash. Got it.

maiden,

Seriously? A limp is a turn on? You're an interesting girl.

av,

Will need practice.

shadow,

What kind of wine to you suggest?

 
At 6:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Duke boys get into less trouble than you.....

 
At 6:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell us about the time you got rear-ended by a tractor-trailer carrying a load of Victoria's Secret lingerie, causing you to hit the spermacide truck in front of you....

You need a series.

 
At 6:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a champ.

 
At 6:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why can't I ever think of those things myself ??? That is a GREAT idea ~~ And the limp ...Genius

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

is the rug's skin baby soft now?

here's some comedy sketch that sounds like what you're planning...

 
At 7:00 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Mist, I am concerned.

WHAT kind of porn are you watching?

 
At 7:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Definitely use the limp. Maybe bring in some tattered clothing as well.

 
At 7:28 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Do you think that's a good idea? I mean, maybe porn inspires him too! If that's the case, you'll never get rid of him. :P

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I find ye olde nevereth taking the phone calls again works quite well. Why would you want him in your house if you're trying to get rid of him?

Am I being too literal?

 
At 7:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nope, that should do it. Just make sure he doesn't slip on the lotion and get injured . This could get pretty ugly in small claims court

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

"There's this guy that I've been trying to get rid of for awhile. He doesn't take my hints. I hate to be a b*tch. It's time to take passive aggressive action."

Maybe try this, say:I am not interested in seeing you again. If this does not work tell him you will get a restraining order. You seem like a strong enough woman that you dont need to play games unless this is just a story I think being direct is better.

Thanks for the post to my blog btw.

Creating drama so that you mimic what you see on television or so it creates interesting stories to tell is a bad road to go down.

Then again do it your way if you like so we can read about the wake of distruction it creates.

 
At 8:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
Lots of cash, don't go cheap.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Not lotion silly...all kinds of feminine hygeine products - like a bigass box of mondo maxi pads. Spread throughout the house. Fun times.

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Who knew that I had a spermacide allergy. I am still recovering from that incident.

mj,

It takes a special girl to be inspired the way that I am.

furious,

Thanks for that link. I really enjoyed it.

britt,

My porn source is Matt's blog.

battle,

OMG! I have nothing to wear. Must shop.

Thanks for coming by.

kristyn,

Maybe I should find out more about his porn preferences.

fringes,

But then, what would I blog about?

michael,

I have a lawyer on retainer for reasons just like this.

tom,

"All of this happened, more or less." --Kurt Vonnegut

0,

Naturally.

tug,

I tried that last weekend.

 
At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

with your luck, that will be the type of thing he's into. :D

 
At 9:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If the dude is really into it you might NEVER get rid of him.

You plan could backfire.

At least...I hope it does. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Er, employed? Happier? Married? Out of therapy?

Puss

 
At 9:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dang!

This is the greatest excuse for having explaining the "lotion stains" all over my bathroom.

I've got to borrow this and try it as a story to the wife.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger Meg said...

'Something bout Mist'....just the lotion and the sticky hair and stuff reminded me of that movie - well with that other chick in it. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A STAR!!!

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Either way, should be entertaining.

steven,

I am starting to think that I need a back up plan. Or at least some wet wipes.

puss,

Employed, eager, unmarried, could use some therapy. I'll forward a complete profile.

gyuss,

If it works, I expect full credit. If it fails, please keep my name out of it.

Thanks for coming by.

meg,

Why have I not been discovered yet?

 
At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great idea! i love it!
Peace

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

I hope he doesn't love it.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

the best thing to do to get him to leave you alone is to tell him you have leukemia and then suddenly die a week later....(read nikki's blog, LMAO)

http://iniquitous1.blogspot.com

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

Mist, do not tell me you invented this entire story to see if I would catch onto his statement he reportedly made to MIT students about wearing sunscreen? If you did your post was more brilliant than entertaining. But I dont know how many people will catch onto the tie between sunscreen and loition.

Brilliant or very ironic. Take your pick.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger K.Leigh said...

Just leave a pregnancy test box out in plain view in the bathroom.

Works every time.

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

Porn inspires me as well.

-N

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stilt,

I am too afraid of Karma, plus he'd want to spend my last moments with me.

tom,

I think that was Kofi Annan.

k.leigh,

What if he wants kids?

Thanks for coming by.

natalia,

It's an art.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Tom Bailey said...

"There was a widely-circulated urban legend on the Internet that Kurt Vonnegut gave a commencement address at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in 1997 in which he issued simple advice, most notably advising students to "wear sunscreen". In fact, the commencement speaker at MIT in 1997 was Kofi Annan and the supposed Vonnegut speech was an article published in the Chicago Tribune on June 1, 1997 by columnist Mary Schmich."

Better yet using urban legend...LOL

 
At 12:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just don't have any running down your chin.. it might encourage him.

P.S. I mentioned you today in my Friday's Feast ;)

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

walk with a limp...? hell no
i think you need to get an ice pack to rest in the crucial place(s) and give a pained smile when you sit down...
you know the sort

;)

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

ROTFLMAO
You are too funny! Be careful, he may perceive it as something that he too can enjoy (the bathroom, that is) I'd hate for him to spend too much time in there & you end up with a double dose of 'lotion' to clean up!

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Killer said...

you should walk with a limp and keep scratching yourself a lot.

 
At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

I'll give you bonus points if you're wearing stilettos - no just one (there's your limp) - and dragging a defalted sex doll behind you with the heel driven through the eye of the doll.

Not sure if it'll detour or attract but still, it would be a damn cool touch.

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

And if your look doesn't drive him away, hand him a sponge, send him to the bathroom, and tell him to clean up the mess his brother left behind.

 
At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Te limp is not too much! LMAO

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Kelley said...

And then mention that you just "don't do condoms, but you trust me, right?"

 
At 1:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great idea, but what if it backfires? What if he gets there, looks around, and says "Hey, cool!" and starts unbuttoning his shirt?

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tom,

Mr. Vonnegut is my favorite author. Ask me anything.

skittles,

That is the foulest comment you have ever left. I'm proud of you.

px,

Why, I have no idea what sort of pained smile you're talking about. Ahem.

Thanks for coming by.

slb,

I would just have to move.

killer,

I already scratch myself a lot.

bice,

You are a creative genius.

jocelyn,

Now that's just gross. His brother isn't hot at all.

pickled,

Perfect. I didn't want to go overboard.

kelley,

How about, "I have a latex allergy," followed by a wink?

bird,

Well, he is attractive...

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

Yeah, but how do you explain that the stains actually smell good?

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Why do we do that? Buy stuff and then save it until it tastes like crap or is not good anymore.

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Go for the limp. If he doesn't take your hints now you should be blidingly obvious.

Try writing something on a soggy jellyfish and leave it in his bag.

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

darlene,

I'm hoping we won't get into any involved discussion.

icl,

I wish I knew. It was that damn pretty label.

phishez,

Where the hell am I going to get a jellyfish?

 
At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that's a great idea. Hanging out with a woman who can spray her bathroom with some sort of suggestive substance has always been a romance killer.

I have given this some serious consideration. A few ways to turn off a guy.

1. Tell him you've had a tough day and pull the kleenex from your bra.

2. Suggest that Uncle Sol wants to meet and talk about the dowry.

3. Create a shrine to Shaquille O Neil in your bedroom (dont ask)

4. Take him to Meijers after midnight and greet the homeless people by first name.

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger Karmyn R said...

Just give the guy the lotion bottle as a good-bye present

 
At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I've missed you..thanks for the chuckle.

WV: tyhzpwqm (I think they are definitely discriminating against us drunks with this crao.)

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, that's cold! Just tell the poor guy. Only the stupidest guys would rather be hinted to than told outright they're not wanted.

If he fits in that stupid category though, I'd do the limp and forget the lotion. Funny as it is, after he leaves you'll still have to clean that stuff up.

Of course, the limp won't work either if you're a very athletic person. He may think you just sprained your ankle on a morning jog and insist on staying over to nurse you back to health.

 
At 11:40 PM, Blogger Nihilistic said...

Porn has always inspired me as well!!

 
At 5:50 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

This is my first visit...I wandered over from someone's blog, I can't remember whose right now.
Isn't it nice to have rich, moist, supple walls, ceilings, floors, and rugs? The last time I did something like that my dog licked up the $12.95 worth of lotion. Then proceeded to throw up on the rug.

 
At 9:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stewart,

And I thought I was the Queen of Turn-offs. I think you may have the throne.

karmyn,

You are clearly a much nicer person than I am. I never thought about parting gifts.

lee,

I've been forced to save comments until I sober up and can manage word verification.

james,

I am only athletic when shopping or in bed.

nihilistic,

Maybe we should start a club.

swamp,

I can clean up lotion without gagging, but not dog vomit.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Babs said...

Hmmm.. I like Bice's idea. Deflated sex doll with a stiletto hole through the eye. Then ask him if he has any duct tape to fix your favorite dolly.

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

babs,

I thought that was the funniest image too. Of course he has duct tape. I live in the South. Everyone here has duct tape.

 
At 9:30 AM, Anonymous swampy said...

OK, I'm back to let you know there are some awesome boots on Ree's post today, or maybe it was yesterday. And to answer your question, OF COURSE buying yourself a pair of boots is considered a random act of kindness. You can't get much more random than you already are, darlin'.
http://pioneerwoman.blogspot.com
is Ree's URL, I think.
If not, let me know. It's worth the trip over there to "shop."

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

When I use a public bathroom and they have white liquid hand soap, I often grab a handful and then drizzle it in the urinal. I then imagine what the next guy thinks when he looks down and sees "that" in the water.

It's good to have a hobby.

 
At 1:03 PM, Blogger STAK said...

*in best Frankenstein voice*

porn GOOOOOOOODDDD.............

btw, it is indeed important to stay moisturized........i have this one section i pay special attention to.......this is usually porn related......*snicker*

 
At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the smell might tip him off.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

swampy,

You know I can't resist a link that promises boots.

nwjr,

Gawd, I wish I could do that in the men's bathroom. I need a hobby.

stak,

I moisturize my heels too.

erika,

I was hoping that he wouldn't notice.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

"I will not be ignored by you." - Glen Close, Fatal Attraction (comedy)

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crack,

Please, don't make me flirt with you in public.

I couldn't ignore you if I tried.

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger Vengelyne said...

I hope you've the decency to plant hidden cameras to have the whole thing recorded. You can sell that video online and make up for the $12.52 you wasted on the spill.

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

venge,

Not only are you beautiful, you have a great mind for business. You'll go far.

 
At 10:32 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

I bet that he doesn't get it.

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jack,

I don't pick them because their smart.

 
At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've also been a victim to expired lotion. and definitely go with the limp.

 
At 6:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget a good sleezy porn movie for the nights entertainment. Something with whips and chains- that should scare him...hopefully.

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

christine,

Did you mess up your bathroom too?

polyman,

I'll just select something from my collection then.

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Damn, Mist. I don't have 79 comments on all my posts combined. I could get bitter if I didn't show up here 14 times a day, too. Sometimes more.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

Have you tried posting a photo of sperm? Also, talking about porn helps.

 
At 11:53 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Now there's an idea whose time has come.

 
At 1:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hearts,

I think you meant "cum."

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

what if he likes it?

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hokeie,

Then, we were meant to be.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

I'd suggest walking bow-legged...

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

maven,

But I already walk like that. I wanted to act!

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Hehehe, see, you could then freak him out and say, "If I known you were coming by, I would have bukkaked you a cake:)"

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger CP said...

Hysterical. Nothing says "get gone" like having white spew all over your walls.

" I am larger than one square inch."

Dang. You a fat girl! *LOL*

CP.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maven,

Oh, I don't cook.

cp,

I have to make myself throw up now.

 

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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

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Name: Mist1
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