Years ago, I bought some really expensive body lotion. I was abroad and this was when you could still travel with lotion and other liquids. The label on the bottle is so pretty that I couldn't bring myself to use it. Until yesterday.
I opened the bottle and inhaled the sweet citrus scent. I tilted the bottle slightly and poured the watery lotion into my hand and onto the floor. By my calculations, I poured $12.52 of lotion directly into the bathroom rug.
Disgusted, I smeared the runny lotion onto my dry skin. It covered one square inch of my body. I am larger than one square inch. I considered scraping the spilled lotion up out of the rug. I knealt down and examined it. I could pick the hair out. It would be fine. Except for that hair that I don't think is from my head.
I decided to shake the bottle. Maybe the thickening agents had settled to the bottom. I shook vigorously. This would have been a great idea if I had thought to put the lid back on the bottle. Creamy, white lotion splattered all over the walls and ceiling and floor.
I cursed. My bathroom looked like a scene from a porn movie. Viscous white liquid dripped from everything.
I know what I have to do. I guess porn inspires me.
There's this guy that I've been trying to get rid of for awhile. He doesn't take my hints. I hate to be a b*tch. It's time to take passive aggressive action.
I'm going to call him this weekend and see if he'd like to come over and watch a movie.
Before he gets here, I'll mess up my hair. Then I'll go into my bedroom and shake up the bottle of lotion again.
I can't wait for him to get here. Is it too much if I walk with a limp?