To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, January 18, 2007

Aloe


I wear stripper panties.

When my sister saw them she was horrified. She is also horrified by the word "panties," but, stipper underwear just doesn't sound right.

I went to Whole Foods the other day in my stripper panties. They tie up at the sides and they are adorable. They are not practical. That's why I like them. Nothing in my life is practical. These panties are so complex that they should come with an information card.

The right side kept coming undone. Fearing that they would untie completely, I untied the left side and pulled them up out of my jeans.

It was the worst rope burn ever.

I screamed and grabbed my crotch. The guy who collects the grocery carts from the parking lot said, "right on."

I tucked the panties into my purse and limped in to Whole Foods, where I purchased 100% natural, soothing aloe.

It was organic.

Mist 1


97 Comments:

At 8:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

no mist, YOU are organic!!! and you crack me up. bee

 
At 8:46 PM, Anonymous Evil Genius said...

An epsom salts bath might help too.

Ye-ouch! LOL

 
At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha!!

I had a pair of those. I lost them.

 
At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As long as it was organic.

Did you get any more comments from the store employees when you opened your purse to pay, only to reveal your panties in a bunch?

 
At 9:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I'm certain that the application of the organic aloe produced the desired organic result. Well done.

 
At 9:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted you to know that that was so goddamned funny, i had to wake nickster up and recite it to him. he laughed so hard he choked. good stuff. :p

ps. i own 2 pair of the side ties. those damned things are the biggest pain in my ass.. umm nevermind.

 
At 9:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My friend doesn't like that I refer to his underwear as "panties". But that's what he gets for flashing his feminine looking undergarments at me and scarring me mentally for life.

 
At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stripper draw's to the grocery? You are ambitious!

Funny, I just posted an entry about Whole Foods, but I didn't mention 'em by name. Guess this admission sort of defeats that purpose.

 
At 10:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i almost said something way over the top, and i'm glad i caught myself.

whew!

wish i could have been there to see you yank 'em out of your pants though.

 
At 10:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fashion hurts! Now you know why the strippers are in such a hurry to get them off (the underwear that is...sorry). I try the dramatic pulling off of the tie after work but have ended up knocking a co-worker in the face and damn near giving myself a Saddam in the neck area!

 
At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

Ouch - that's almost as bad as getting your pubes stuck in the adhesive of the sanitary napkin.

 
At 11:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love stripper panties! i were them as often as i can, unfortunately my hubby loves them too and keeps ripping them off at inappropriate moments 0_0

 
At 11:39 PM, Blogger Steph said...

I read that last line as "orgasmic". I almost broke my neck trying to get to the Chemist and buy some Aloe.
Thanks!

 
At 11:46 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I'm just sorry it wasn't orgasmic, love.

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, some folks call it booty-floss...now we know why, huh?

 
At 12:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I this velcrow knicker might be less hassel

 
At 12:30 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

You do like to floss don't you?

 
At 12:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's hot.

 
At 2:38 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

That is why I eschew underwear altogether.

 
At 3:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could've sworn I read "organic" as "orgasmic." Then again, cool, soothing aloe on rope burn must really feel good. Wet dream jeans, stripper panties...what kind of bra do you wear? Haha!

 
At 4:14 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

Go "Commando"

 
At 4:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

On the face of things it would appear a lady would need four hands just to donn said garment. We clumsy men could never figure out how to keep such a thing in place while tying the bows.

Do y'all stand on yer head while dressing in morning? Or do you simply keep a live-in personal assistant for the morning ritual?

 
At 4:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should call 'em "spanties."

 
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

awww. Practical panties don't tend to burn, but they certainly aren't as pretty!

 
At 5:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a pair of those I clean the house in.

Don't ask.

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

bee,

Please, can we not talk about my crack? Thanks.

evil,

That's a great idea. I'll be checking your blog from the tub.

lex,

Do you want mine as a replacement? I'm swearing them off until I heal.

churlita,

I managed to avoid further humiliation that day, but I have done that before.

0,

Oh, it was organic. And orgasmic as well.

yasamin,

They are a pain in the a$$.

james,

Very few people notice my ambition. Thanks.

kiyotoe,

I am going to do my best to avoid a repeat performance. I learn from my mist-takes.

michael,

Did you just coin Saddam? That's funny.

karmyn,

You keep napkins in your pants? Sometimes, I tuck one into my shirt.

kris,

I can't think of an inappropriate moment to rip off panties.

steph,

I highly recommend buying some. Keep it in the fridge.

123,

The aloe was pretty damn good.

slb,

I have officially been booty-flossed.

shadow,

I will have to try velcro.

bice,

How did you know?

lux,

Scorching.

fab,

I have never chewed underwear.

lizza,

Bra? I think I own one of those.

ranger,

I have to until the burns go away.

mystic,

I am afraid that I can never reveal what women do to get into stripper panties. It's part of an oath of secrecy that we have to take when we come of age.

lee,

I love that word.

olives,

I will never cross over.

debbie,

I suddenly feel inspired to clean.

 
At 5:40 AM, Anonymous swampwitch said...

I agree with Ranger Tom.
There's enough ribbon there to choke yourself. Next time, pull the ribbon all the way up and just tie the bow around your neck. You might have more control that way.
Why are they called "panties?" My grandmothers called them "drawers." Why? Where did these words originate?

 
At 5:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never understood why those ties actually had to be functional. Couldn't they just sew the bows to the sides or something?

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Ohhh I gots to get me some of those....(ok MORE...you caught me)

 
At 5:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aw, I love those that tie on the sides. Sorry about the rope burn!

 
At 5:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You made the cart collectors day !!
~What a humanitarian thing to do~

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

swamp,

The word panties was orignally manties as in man-tease. We thought that you all would catch on to that, so we changed the spelling.

kelley,

Where would the fun in that be? Have you ever seen anyone's eyes light up upon discovering that the ties can be undone? It's worth the inconvenience.

cheeky,

I bet they have giant bins of them at MOA.

karma,

Please send a get well soon card.

mj,

It was a humilitarian thing to do.

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

If you needed soothing, you should have called me.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

I wasn't thinking clearly. I was in pain.

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I almost suggested something about needing someone to kiss it and make it better, but then I realized that sounded dirty and I'm a wholesome type of guy who would never stoop that low to such dirty innuendos. But then, even though I'm a cunning linguist, I couldn't think of a better way to word it.

 
At 6:16 AM, Blogger Reba said...

I will have to invest in some of those. I bet my fiance wouldn't have trouble getting those of me. Just as long as he doesn't give me rope burn. Then again it might be nice having him rub on some aloe.

I think I just planned my Saturday night.

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger montchan said...

too bad you weren't wearing a skirt. No pain then. And the breeze feels soothing too. I know. But maybe more embarrassing.

 
At 6:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've only got one thing to say:

Commando!

I do appreciate this post though. No doubt it will some day save me from pulling what I think is a suave move and extracting panties from a partner before pants have been removed.

However, I will continue working on my one-handed bra removal.

 
At 6:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need "adult" supervision at all times.

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

Be really organic and go commando :)

 
At 6:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's important information missing from the account.

Why did you go to Whole Foods in the first place?

Which Whole Foods?(she asks skeptically)
The cart collectors I know would have said, "kewl" not "right on". I suspect you may have gone to a ghetto grocery missy.

What rope burns are you comaring the so called "worst' to? Documentation is the key.

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

Did it actually chaffe you? or did it just "wax" you? I'm so confused.

 
At 7:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I think of you, I think of shoes and panties. Why is that, you think?

 
At 7:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How funny! I'll bet that will be the most memorable moment of the cart collector's entire working experience at Whole Foods.

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I watched the Vagina Monologues once...damnit I just admitted watching the Vagina Monologues...and one segment had a woman calling her goodies, her coochie snorcher...there, now it's burned in your brain too. You're welcome.

 
At 7:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had some like that many years ago and I think mine ended up on my boyfriend's rearview mirror after a few shots of rum!

 
At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least the Zebra print wasn't stained. seriously. Learn how to put a few stiches into the sides of your panties or use Velcro and Snap buttons like the real strippers do. I mean Lately All I get from you are complaints about panties. SHEESH....

as for the aloe - dumb mistake. You need to keep Curel Lotion (the blue bottle) everywhere. It's for Hands, faces, and even carpet.. i mean rug... i mean ROPE burn.

 
At 8:07 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I wore a pair of those tie on the side stripper panties to an amusement park once.

I looked down while we were walking along, and I had two strings hanging out one of the legs of my shorts.

Most embarassing moment ever.

Thanks for reminding me. :-)

 
At 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like a show not to be missed and now I officially know what stripper panties are. Lesson learned for today.

 
At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, there's nothing like giving a grocery cart guy something to think about for rest of his day...ahem, and night.

 
At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate when panties misbehave.

 
At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love the ones that tie at the sides! just don't wear 'em with a dress. trust me. :D

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Thank you for respecting the fact that this is a family blog and I try to keep it appropriate for work.

reba,

Have a great weekend.

montchan,

I do love a soothing breeze.

gyuss,

You wear a bra?

matt,

Do you have a nanny service that you can recommend?

nattie,

That is organic.

jali,

When did you become my fact checker? I was buying wine at the Whole Foods across the street from City Hall. The previous worst burn was on my knees. I um, fell on the carpet.

dallas,

I'm already waxed. You don't do that in a parking lot.

fringes,

I thought you'd think of academia.

velvet,

I would have charged him a fee, but he carried my bottle of aloe out to the car for me.

furious,

I'm not asking any questions about why you watched the vagina monologues. Did you think that they were really going to talk or was that just me?

trying,

I could go for some rum now too.

mayren,

The strippers here only untie one side so that after their $5 lap dance they can quickly tie them back up. Not that I know.

britt,

That settles it. We are long lost twins. I was skeptical before.

brian,

I'm sure that you had no idea what stripper panties are.

tallulah,

It was a special moment for us.

claudia,

When Panties Misbehave is one of my favorite shows on tv.

 
At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

see i'm confused because i'm thinking "she's worried the panties would come undone so she whipped them off" but i suspect your jeans were tight enough to hold said panties in so why were you so worried about the untying? is it because you were wearing your panties outside of your jeans. in which case, i say "ewww." or maybe i'm overthinking...

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I am making a note for myself.

hube,

I had to take them off because the feeling of the string hanging down my leg was really uncomfortable. Sort of like when...nevermind.

 
At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its Free Friday Mist....leaving the Panties off !!!!

Have a great weekend and stay out of the news.....

 
At 10:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you know whether they make them in big girl sizes, like size 17x or so? Just wondering.

Didn't mean to cause you to have a mental picture of a big girl wearing one. heehee.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Velcro

 
At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The word "panties" makes me blush.

 
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You ladies are making my day. Although, I could go for some more descriptive pictures. ;)

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

meg,

Cheers to a panty free weekend.

debo,

They seem pretty adjustable.

jack,

You have to be well waxed to wear velcro.

bird,

Panties, panties, panties.

ajooja,

I thought that picture was pretty intimate.

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

I am so crushing on you. You're a dirty little one, aren't you? ha ha.

 
At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, so I just tried to leave a comment but something weird happened. Let me try to do this again.

I am jealous of you and your ability to wear stripper panties. I've always admired the ones that tie on the sides, but I keep not getting them because I'm afraid of one of the following situations:

1) they will come untied and fall out the bottom of my skirt/pant leg
2) the bows will ride up above my waistband and the whole world will know I'm wearing stripper panties
3) there will be a weird bulge in my clothes where the bows are. everyone will think I'm some sort of misshapen freak show and not want to try and seduce me or fantasize about me in stripper panties because they think I'm a monster.

 
At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now if you didn't wax, that would have been a totally painless operation...

Puss

 
At 12:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch...I hate when that happens.

I guess you won't be getting a Brazillian any time soon then, huh?

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

And what decade did that grocery cart guy beam-in from - the 60's?

"Right on?"

I can dig it.

Oh, and sorry about the rope burn. It's not quite as fun as rug burn, is it?

 
At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

...did the guy who collects the grocery carts at least stick a few dollar bills in your panties?

I mean, you know, to buy aloe.

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Typo, second sentence; no, stipper underwear doesn't sound right at all ;)

Oh, the ironing.

 
At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

These panties are so complex that they should come with an information card.

The more a woman describes her panties as complex the easier it is for me to get them off. But the aloe application will cost you extra.

 
At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! That's really funny! I mean, really not funny at the time... but really funny like we can all laugh about it now really funny!

 
At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Romer!can said...

You win the prize! First time ever: sudden, spastic, epileptic reaction causes romerican to click the fucking X and close a browser full of 50-some tabs...

 
At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet commando...but did you have on your stripper shoes on?

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger Roadchick said...

It's like paper or plastic:

Loose bow for dates.

Double knot for grocery shopping.

No panties at all for curbside carryout.

;-)

 
At 3:10 PM, Blogger Roadchick said...

It's like paper or plastic:

Loose bow for dates.

Double knot for grocery shopping.

No panties at all for curbside carryout.

;-)

 
At 3:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The only related problem I have is on laundry day, when I have to wear my old pregnancy knickers. They wear off my deodorant when I walk.

 
At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've seen women do that with bras before, panties though is a first. But kudos on the organic thing, very healthy.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

LMAO at what Bice said.

Stripper panties are overrated.

 
At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Make this be a lesson to you...or a few.

1) Don't rip your underpants from your jeans. Stunt actors do that.

2) Stripper Panties leave nasty burns with the action you used.

3) Best to fix your underwear in a private location (e.g., a washroom stall).

4) This is the MOST IMPORTANT one. DO NOT HURT YOUR PRIVATE MEMBER! I accidentally hurt mine a day ago, and it is no fun at all! Even emo people agree with me!

Those are all the lessons I can think of. Now go to your room until my sanity returns!

RANDOM QUOTE

Getting a plane ticket to Honolulu...$500.

Tour guide...$50.

Renting a room at a hotel for a few days...$300.

Getting transportation to the airport...$35.

Getting your d**k bitten off by a venomous snake high on pheromones and dying on your flight home...priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, but for everything else, there's Mastercard.

 
At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO- obviously you and i live in the same world, in different places. uh-huh.
good work!

 
At 6:56 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

Next time just go commando.

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

maiden,

I'm glad that my trashiness is alluring. I didn't want to seem cheap.

h & b,

When you wear the panties, you just have to understand that you will probably have a mishap.

puss,

I think it would have started a fire.

trish,

I am in between appointments.

cruiser,

He looked a little like Shaggy.

qofd,

I think they have a no tipping policy at Whole Foods.

orhan,

I am a mere mortal. Sometimes, I make mistakes too.

dan,

Damn. You charge for that? I thought I should have charged for that. We need to negotiate.

cyber,

It's okay. Laugh at my pain.

romerican,

I had a fit just like that when I ripped the panties off.

tellin',

I do not wear clear heels. Sure, my panties are trashy, but my shoes are divine.

chick,

I have such a hard time making decisions. I'm really good at making bad choices.

geni,

I think I might be wearing my deoderant in the wrong place.

vince,

I don't feel very healthy. I just feel raw.

icl,

Bice cracks me up too.

mike,

I don't want to know what you do in that room. It's where you hurt your private memeber, isn't it?

nofear,

You like Whole Foods too?

pissy,

Well, of course. Hindsight is Maddog 20/20.

 
At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a similar panties story...mine involves me, a hardware store, a guy named Nick, a bucket of galvanized nails, and a puppy.

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stewart,

What kind of puppy?

 
At 7:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Been there...done that. I no longer can go back to whole foods.

 
At 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I've never heard of stripper panties before (I know, what rock have i been hiding under?) but they sound extremely painful! I don't know about commando in jeans though- that doesn't sound all that comfortable either.

 
At 8:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now you KNOW that right this minute there's some poor Whole Foods stock boy, sitting with a couple of buds telling his friends all about that hot chick at the store that was stalking him, and how, when he looked at her she actually orgasmed!!!!

Applications for employment at that place are gonna go through the roof.

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Well, at least you eat healthy.

I also bought aloe gel at Whole Foods today. I see now that it was overkill because I didn't have a rope burn in my crotch. But hey, nobody's perfect.

 
At 10:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

stan,

We should start a support group. You're in a different time zone, but I stay up late. It should work out.

yvonne,

I am impressed that you have internet under that rock. I used to live in a van down by the river, but had to move out because there was no wi-fi.

willie,

I might apply there too. I could have used the discount on the aloe.

hearts,

Save it. You may need it for a serious crotch injury one day.

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Don't you ever change. Mistakes and all :)

 
At 5:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

It's time for a change of hair color.

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger STAK said...

so........do you often find dollar bills mysteriously tucked into your stipper panties?..........do you wear high heels with lucite soles?.........is your name at work different from the name on your birth certificate?........are you sometimes given tips in the form of powdery white substances?........then YOU might be a stripper..........

 
At 8:01 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

SoooooOOOoothing....aloe...HAHAHA.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

stak,

I have to answer "no" to most of those questions, but I do find myself limping home from the bar every now and then. Does that count?

crack,

Come, let me soothe you.

 
At 6:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Flossing is all well and good, but you don't do it there.

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Too little too late...

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

Oh MY....rope burn in and area that should never hear the word burn let alone feel it.....A kiss does a booboo wonders ;)

 
At 10:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

honk,

It has been called a lot of things (as have I), but never booboo.

 

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Name: Mist1
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