People rely on me to be a valuable source of information. I get phone calls and emails from people with questions ranging from if they should cut their hair to if they should press charges.
Usually, I have an answer. Occasionally, I make something up. I am never without an answer. Until last night.
Sue called me with a dilemma. She is not bright, but she is beautiful. We get along smashingly. She calls me every week with a new question. I am always happy to assist. Last week, I was easily able to field a question about why fake crab doesn't taste like real crab. I was unprepared for this week's call.
Sue does not give head. She explained to me that she doesn't even "accidentally" give head. Sometimes, it is best not to ask her to explain what she means. I assume that accidentally giving head is when you fall, open-mouthed into a man's lap. As I am rather clumsy, I understand. It happens.
Her ban on what she likes to call "Smoking Man" is causing problems in her relationship. I told her that sometimes, in a relationship, you just have to suck things up. This went over her head.
Her aversion to oral sex is due to the "texture." I told her that it's just like having a raw oyster in your mouth. You don't hold it there for long. You just swallow it. Crackers are optional. Not that I have anything against crackers. Some of my favorite parents are crackers.
"No, it's not even that," she said. "I can't even have it near my mouth. I don't even like sushi because of the texture."
I had nothing helpful to say. I really, really like sushi.