To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, January 15, 2007

Smoking Man


People rely on me to be a valuable source of information. I get phone calls and emails from people with questions ranging from if they should cut their hair to if they should press charges.

Usually, I have an answer. Occasionally, I make something up. I am never without an answer. Until last night.

Sue called me with a dilemma. She is not bright, but she is beautiful. We get along smashingly. She calls me every week with a new question. I am always happy to assist. Last week, I was easily able to field a question about why fake crab doesn't taste like real crab. I was unprepared for this week's call.

Sue does not give head. She explained to me that she doesn't even "accidentally" give head. Sometimes, it is best not to ask her to explain what she means. I assume that accidentally giving head is when you fall, open-mouthed into a man's lap. As I am rather clumsy, I understand. It happens.

Her ban on what she likes to call "Smoking Man" is causing problems in her relationship. I told her that sometimes, in a relationship, you just have to suck things up. This went over her head.
Her aversion to oral sex is due to the "texture." I told her that it's just like having a raw oyster in your mouth. You don't hold it there for long. You just swallow it. Crackers are optional. Not that I have anything against crackers. Some of my favorite parents are crackers.

"No, it's not even that," she said. "I can't even have it near my mouth. I don't even like sushi because of the texture."

I had nothing helpful to say. I really, really like sushi.

Mist 1


110 Comments:

At 9:50 PM, Anonymous archie said...

Is that ALL sushi or just selected flavours? Perhaps she would like to try some chocolate dipped - um - sushi - - -

 
At 10:07 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL @ /Smoking Man'. Maybe she could be like Clinton & just not inhale.
I hate Sushi, in the truest of senses, but love raw oysters.
'Smoking Man' once saved my life. LOL.

 
At 10:08 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

At least she doesn't call it "Burning Man."

 
At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The texture of sushi has never been a problem for me until the day I was coerced into eating eel. I'm glad I did it to say that I've done it... but I will never do it again.

Maybe your friend ate an eel and thinks oral sex is like that? But she might be doing it wrong, then. Nothing about it reminds me of an eel.

 
At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

I just came from Claudia's blog - where she has tons of pictures of fish - to your blog with "sushi"....they both scare me. One-eyed or two, those things are dangerous.

 
At 11:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just tell her its like Kharma. What good you give out into the world will comeback to you tenfold!

 
At 11:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am speechless at this. No, not because there's sushi or anything else in my mouth right now. It's because I'm laughing so hard! You really take the cake, girl.

 
At 12:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

umm....you wanna come over tonight?

did i say that already?

 
At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell her that fake head doesn't have the same texture as real head...and that his is fake.

 
At 1:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sushi -- You lost me with the photo ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm shusi...

 
At 1:50 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

It is possible to accidently give head. Sometimes you just fall and your mouth lands on the penis.

Happens to me all the time.

 
At 1:54 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

Um... (glancing around awkwardly)... well... (racking brain for a witty retort)... I... ah... (Bice wanders off mumbling incoherently under his breath)

 
At 2:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like head. (Giving. Not getting. I don't own my own penis, so that would be kinda weird.)

I like sushi too.

Mmm. Head.

Phishez (can't be fucked logging in)

 
At 2:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

some of my favorite parents are crackers, too. Hey, you think we're related?

 
At 3:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've accidentally swapped partners once. It was really dark that night.

 
At 3:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mmmmmmmmmmmm... sushi.

 
At 4:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell her to suck it up and take it like a man. Wait, a man doesn't take it that way. At least, not the man that wants her to take it that way. I guess I have nothing useful either, per usual.

 
At 4:31 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I once dated a woman who gave incredible head but refused to let me go down on her. The relationship was doomed, because I love doing that. She just got all squeamish and freaked out if anyone "went near there".

Freaky, that one was.


LOL..word verification is "ylvGAGx".

 
At 4:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're there for your friends in time of need. Too bad you couldn't help Sue. Poor Sue.
Peace

 
At 4:43 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I dated a woman once who wouldn't go down on me...

And then got upset because I wouldn't go down on her... Speaking of sushi.

Anyway, I enjoy going down on women. I'm actually a lesbian trapped in a man's body. But If she won't do it, niether will I.

 
At 4:52 AM, Anonymous slick said...

It's a wonder Sue ever has any boyfriends. I mean, seriously...comeon. Maybe a "hands-on" tutorial might help her Mist?

 
At 5:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess that means she isn't a spitter or a swallower. No way you can fix that. But you can trip and fall in my lap any time, darlin', with or without your new cowboy hat.

 
At 5:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had to explain your blog to Faz the Cat, it was all a bit too sophisticated for her to understand. I think she's still in a state of shock. Christine

 
At 5:58 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Sushi Rocks and so does Oysters (without crackers)!!!

Tell her to add a little hot sauce......(hehe) and maybe he won't ask for it again....but then again maybe she will

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Sometimes, you definitely just have to suck it up or else you'll blow it and be licked by the relationship, knocked to your knees, have to head out the door and look for oral support.

 
At 6:15 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

At first, I thought the picture was of some cupcakes that didn't "rise" and you just frosted them with blue icing. (Flat blue cupcakes.) Then, I read the post and couldn't figure out how it had anything to do with the "textURE.". But then, when do any of your pictures have anything to do with the textURE?
Well, maybe sometimes. Then, I clicked on the picture to "enlarge" it and realized it was sushi. There are so many puns just waitng to happen here...I can't wait to see what your creative readers "come" up with.
Sorry this went over her head. Too bad she's not over her boyfriend's...oh, I have to stop.

 
At 6:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could tell her that it's approved by Atkins...

High in protein

whatever...

 
At 6:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is a conceit within pornography that some women must be "taught" to perform fellatio by older, more experienced sluts.

It breaks my heart that Sue never received that mentorship. What a waste.

 
At 6:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating crackers.

 
At 6:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, if you get anyone to come up with [word choice] a satisfying answer, you may save, enhance, or prolong the agony of [depending on the answer] thousands of marriages...in America, at least. You might even most notably be able to help Bill and Hillary's marriage and political fortunes.

 
At 6:42 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

I am afraid I might never be able to look at sushi the same way.

-N

 
At 6:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smoking man? Well, if there is flame involved, it won't be very enjoyable for the man, either...

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

You shoulda guided Sue towards clams.

 
At 6:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smoking man? Well, if there is flame involved, it won't be very enjoyable for the man, either...

 
At 6:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smoking man? Well, if there is flame involved, it won't be very enjoyable for the man, either...

 
At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well my word honey, she's a dumb little thing isn't she? and what with you so smart and all, how do you manage it? now i have a dumb friend too, i won't mention any names here or anything, but just yesterday she asked me what a hand job was. now what with us in the carwash and all i didn't want to get too graphic, you know? but the sign on the wall said they would do it by hand for twenty five dollars extra. she was going to give them the extra money but i wouldn't let her. i told her my accordian was in the trunk and she could just use that. sigh..... poor dumb little thing. bee

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Holy moly. This is the most speechless I've been since visiting your blog.

 
At 7:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I'm not that clumsy.

 
At 7:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sperm has vitamins in it. You can also use it on your skin like in the porn movies.

 
At 7:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm still stuck on "accidentally"! I have a friend like that. "Was Olivia Newton John a singer?" that was the stupid question of last week! There are MANY more but that was the winner of the week.

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous gyuss baaltar said...

hmmm...I think you may have caused me to swear off ever asking to be smoked

 
At 7:41 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFUNction said...

I love Sushi too!... that's all I got. No more comment. I don't understand "does not give head"...

 
At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mebbe she's confused with other Phish... mebbe koi?

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger cinders said...

I'm okay with penis texture. It's the nuts that I have texture issues with...

 
At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just don't understand the sushi haters and no I'm not a slut (anymore).

 
At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BUm-Chicka-Bwwwaaaa-bwwwaaaaa... ;)

Steve~

 
At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Texture? Like, penile texture? Or the consistency of its emissions?

I have always wondered why so many women don't enjoy this activity. Then again, maybe she's encountered some chunky spunk.

She does know that it can be different, every time - doesn't she? I just hate to think she's only tried this a few time - and given up.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

archie,

She likes chocolate men. I should have suggested that.

slb,

Who says smoking is bad for your health?

alison,

She dated burning man once. He was really hot.

h & b,

Eel is good.

karmyn,

I have to go visit Claudia now,

olives,

That is the beauty of smoking man.

lizza,

Cake and sushi sounds good right now.

kiyotoe,

You'll just try to trip me and hope that I fall with my mouth open. Sounds like a good evening.

lex,

Fake head is nowhere near as good as real head, but in a pinch, it will do.

shadow,

You want some right now, don't you?

fab,

You lucky devil.

phishez,

I got all excited with the anonymous comment. I thought someone was going to expose their innermost secrets.

choo,

We are related if your family has a great beach home that I can use for a few weeks.

lux,

There's a tv show where that's the theme.

wg,

I know, I know. Sushi.

susan,

See, she's really stumped us on this one.

nwjr,

I don't have GAG in my word verification.

odat,

I do what I can for my friends. I do what I can to my enemies.

ranger,

What is the deal with the trading of services thing? Either you enjoy it or you're investing. Which is it?

slick,

I think a mouth-on tutorial would be better.

michael,

Spitting is just unlady-like.

faz,

I am so sorry. I should have warned you.

cheeky,

But do you like oysters with Altoids?

av,

Oral support is my favorite comment of the day.

swamp,

Cupcakes? Have you not heard of the whole low carb thing?

trish,

She prefers the South Beach diet.

matt,

I should start a mentorship program. I am a community volunteer.

pawlie,

Are Bill and Hillary still together? Are they adopting an African baby?

natalia,

It will probably arouse you from now on. I feel the same way.

maiden,

Smoked clams?

kelley,

She's neither a flame swallower or a flame spitter.

bee,

Honey, everyone knows that the car wash charges too much for a hand job. Go to the spa.

fringes,

Don't play prude. You know you smoke man.

michelle,

Men like clumsy girls.

Thanks for coming by.

kristi,

Have your friend call Sue.

nolff,

That explains why porn stars always have such radiant skin.

gyuss,

What? You don't like sushi?

dallas,

Neither do I, Dallas. Neither do I.

mayren,

Kois are good eating.

cinders,

You can't leave out the nuts.

jali,

Sure you're not. Me neither.

steven,

I do need a soundtrack.

tigger,

Chunky Spunky is a Ben & Jerry's flavor, right?

 
At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought this was going to be about the X-Files...

 
At 9:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Booze. Lots & lots of booze.

(this answer works on multiple questions)

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kuri,

This is something from the XXX-Files.

Good to see you around again. I thought you had dumped me.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

That's what I had for breakfast.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Mmmmmmm, I used to have trouble with texture, then I learned to like okra. Ok, that really didn't make much sense, did it?

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Me love you long time.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cruiser,

I don't do okra. Not even accidentally.

maiden,

That's what I've heard about you.

 
At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its an aquired taste and feel in the mouth...

quite frankly, she doesn't know what she's missing...

oh, I really, really, really like sushi too

:)

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

meg,

It is an acquired taste. You word things so much better than I do. You didn't sound crude at all.

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the life of me I can't understand women who don't like giving bj's - I mean, it's perfect, when you take a man in your mouth and pleasure him, he'll do anything for you. Anything. I get such a kick out of that it's worth swallowing oysters.

Puss (yes, ok, maybe feeling a bit dom today)

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

puss,

I like oysters.

 
At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give her my number! I'll talk to her about it!

 
At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Puss is right. They left that part out of the Bible.

 
At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ya know? It seems I was a lot clumsier when we first got married. Now...not so much?

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure that he loves her and that sex is just the MOST incidental part of their relationship, and that they will do well together forever, AND he will, never ever seek this particular form of pleasure anywhere.....

Afternote: At this point lightning struck his PC and fried him crispy for such an obviously stupid lie.

 
At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've heard Altoids but never crackers. Going for the salt for salt thing?

 
At 10:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe if you just reminded her that she has to give in order to receive, she would learn to deal with her "texture" issues.

 
At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I've dated your friend.

 
At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

glamourpuss for president.

 
At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your site is hilarous with a capital "arous." I'm glad Q told me to check it out. Regarding sushi. I hate sushi, but most dudes hate sushi anyway. I supose it's not for everyone, but I say keep an open mind.

 
At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist,
Sorry. I still love you. I read you every day, I just haven't been commenting.

 
At 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't give head either.

I am on strike.

 
At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, my name is Angela, I'm new to this site, and new to blogging, just trying to meet new people. Your blogs are great, and I hope you read mine.

 
At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

I've never met a man who minded a woman accidently falling face first into his lap. :) But, I have to say, I really hate sushi!

 
At 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

*blink*

I had to go back and make sure I really read what I thought I read.

She doesn't like sushi??

 
At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prefer snowballs.

Puss

 
At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The texture, of, er man bits is not at all like sushi. Tell her that lesbians must have quite a horrible time of it and that, being straight, she is lucky. That, or this guy has horrendous hygeine, in which case she should move on because the texture of the man bits should not be equated with limp dead slabs of fish.

And I enjoy sushi, among other things, immensley.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

No head, no problem. As long as she's putting her cooter in the air.

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Meloncutter said...

As I was reading this... for the first time ever.... I back drafted a fart. Please leave me a comment if you are going to shock my poor old fat ass like this again. Back drafted farts caused by ocular shock syndrome are very painful.

Thank You...


Later Y'all

 
At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I used to like sushi ... before reading this post, I used to. Not any more.

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nihilistic,

Are you sure that you can handle the weekly retarded question?

nolff,

How is your Bible study class going?

michelle,

Are we married? I may have a few things to talk about with yours.

willie,

How's the computer?

ctw,

I like salty snacks.

churlita,

I am starting to resent the obligatory nature of oral pleasures. Can't I just pay for it in cash?

vince,

You should call her. Her current relationship isn't working out.

brooklyn,

I'd vote for her.

cyber,

I thought dudes like sushi. Is it a texture thing?

Thanks for coming by.

kuri,

You're such a good listener. I'm glad it took an important discussion about oral pleasures to bring you back to commenting.

lee,

That is so manipulative. Well done.

broken,

I love this blog too. It's a lot of fun.

Thanks for stopping by.

kristyn,

"Sushi" or sushi?

sqt,

I know, right?

puss,

Brrrrr.

desiree,

Man bits? I love that. I also love sushi.

lbb,

I love the word cooter. Must remember to use it more frequently.

melon,

Try to push your eyes back in then drink a glass of water upside down. Wait, maybe that's hiccups.

 
At 3:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dan,

So, I guess you don't want to meet me for sushi and drinks this weekend?

 
At 3:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once broke up with a woman because she didn't give me my birthday blowjob. Not that that was the only reason...more like the straw that broke the camels back.

Noted sex columnist Dan Savage says that in this day and age if a person won't give head or eat pussy you should dump them.

 
At 4:07 PM, Anonymous gyuss baaltar said...

Mist,

I hope I didn't give the wrong impression. I happen to love sushi. I mean, I really really love sushi.

I credit my love of sushi and foot worship with maintaining a healthy marriage.

 
At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

araugh! dont you have caller id? yet, she makes for good conversation, eh?

 
At 5:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

for a minute there, I thought maybe she was a lesbian, but then you mentioned she doesn't like sushi, so I guess that's out.

 
At 5:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm afraid I understand the accidental part. I was 21 years old before I found out I didn't actually invent the blow job three years earlier. It just seemed like fun at the time, and we didn't have the Internet then. What I don't get is the correlation between sushi and giving head. Note to self: suggest Japanese restaurant next date

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I could eat sushi every night. Lunch, too.

The idea of giving head "accidentally" is intriguing. Sleep walking, maybe?

If your friend is comfortable using an expression like "Smoking Man," she has more problems than we can cover here.

 
At 6:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it just me or is the taste affected by what the guy has eaten recently (other than you, of course). Sometimes it seems a little peppery. If he hasn't gotten off in a while it will be thicker.. so try to do it a lot. They'll buy you jewelry, too.

Don't forget to floss those little hairs out of your teeth.

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

She explained to me that she doesn't even "accidentally" give head.

I accidentally got it once or twice, but since this is a children's blog I'll save that story for later.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

Look, I

gyuss,

Did you say foot worship? If that whole marriage thing doesn't work out, call me.

junk,

This is the sort of stuff that I live for.

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

spell,

I really think there's no better first date than sushi. Really.

hearts,

Please talk to Sue for me.

skittles,

I like pepper...and pecker.

jack,

Thank you for respecting the children that read this blog.

 
At 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm very good at giving head. You don't hang on to your virginity until you're almost 20 without making up for it in other areas.

And by other areas, I mean fellating gentleman callers.

 
At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and "smoking man" is just fine, but tell her to run away quickly if he says it ever burns when he pees.

 
At 9:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I read every last word with my eyes shut because i love sushi and I intend to keep loving sushi, and pussy too.

 
At 3:56 AM, Blogger Kiki said...

Sushi is my favourite food in the whole world. Yeah, I agree with the commenter who said this could be a relationship deal breaker. I once dated a guy who was really hung up (mother issues) and couldn't or wouldn't go there. But he couldn't go anywhere. Frozen, pathetic man. I hope he and his mummy are doing well. K

 
At 4:28 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Note to self: Cross off the TTD list - try sushi

 
At 5:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

Thanks for clarifying what "other areas" meant. I thought maybe you meant your other, other areas.

0,

I'm not sure that it's okay to write sushi and pussy in the same sentence.

kiki,

Frozen Man? Does he know Smoking Man?

icl,

Glad that I can help expand your horizons.

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger Reba said...

This post was so funny and some of the comments have made me gag.

Umm. I feel like an outsider. I don't mind the activity, but I don't care for the extra protien. I get enough of that in my diet.

Then again I never have tasted it, so I may like it and not know.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

reba,

Gotta work on that gag reflex if you like "sushi."

 
At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My advice is simple---JUST DON"T SWALLOW!!!

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

let's,

I suggested that. But, it's the texture of the, um, man.

 
At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As someone who's eaten his share of tuna sashimi, well, sometimes you just have to do your part. Or hers. Whatever.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Sashimi is so fun to say.

 
At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm...now that is a dilema. Wondering how she is associating sushi with giving head though. Is she a lesbian? :P

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

rach,

Good question. I will have to ask her. Of course, I will have to explain to her what a lesbian is.

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Buttercup said...

This post was hilarious. "Smoking Man" - gross! I've never heard it called that. I'll take blowing over smoking any day.

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

buttercup,

I am a smoker. It's a filthy habit.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Oral sex and sushi, nice touch.

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

Thanks. I like miso soup too.

 
At 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must say, I like all three. Yum.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tsduff,

You have a well developed palate.

Thanks for coming by.

 

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