Over Due Booze
This is a recycled post from a long time ago on a blog far, far away...if you're old school, you'll remember it. I'm in the great state of TX visiting with my friend Fringes.I am a wanted woman.
The County Library is looking for me. More accurately, I guess they're looking for Kurt Vonnegut's TimeQuake, but it feels like they are after me.
It started with automated calls. Eerie, monotone reminders that I have "one item" overdue. It makes me laugh to call a book an "item." I'm not sure why. I now have an itemshelf in my living room.
Next, a computer generated notice appeared in my mailbox. The notice encouraged me to Pay Up. The replacement fine charged by the library is three times the retail cost of the book. It would be so much simpler if I could just go to Borders and purchase a copy of the book for the library. Plus, then I could use my Border's gift card, keeping my out-of-pocket expenses at $0.
They can keep trying. The item is holding up the table that holds all of my paints. It was wobbly. Now it is perfect. If I remove the book, my paints will fall off the crooked table. I wish I could explain this to them, but the County Library People are not reasonable. They also take themselves too seriously.
They could call the National Association for the Return of Overdue and Exploited Library Items (NAROELI). "Have you seen this book?" postcards would flood mailboxes across the country. Photos of the book cover would appear on milk cartons next to age-enhanced (horrors!) images my my face, captioned: "Last seen with Mist 1."
So, I can never go to the library again. I am taking the item and I am going underground.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:37 AM
66 Comments:
Sometimes at night when the moon is full, the Public Library employees surround my house with bullhorns and yell, "We know you're in there. Come out with your books up."
Make sure you get a good photo for the milk carton.
Fishnets never go astray for ANY photos
1
Careful, they have the death penalty in Texas.
They'll never find you in Texas. Although Kurt Vonnegut might. He's wiley, and he likes the younger ladies.
Oh you are a wanted woman Mist, but me thinks it is a far far better man (or woman) than the library police.
Ahhh, a library fugitive. You remind me of a Stephen King story about the library police--they go after people who fail to return library books on time. But any library policeman who comes chasing after you is in for a treat, I believe.
Even though I'd go to the library every other day I was awful at returning books. When I couldn't face the assitant I'd put the book through the letter box. Then the next time I checked something out they say "oh you have a fine" and I'd just pay ...it was better then the look they give you when you return the book in person.
hehe...you naughty girl! They'll send you a bill in the end, I know it happened to me....you made me smile, TFS! Marianne
The cost of the overdue book had to be less than the cost of a new table. Very practical.
-velvet
You use your book to hold up the table?
I stack them up and use them as a stool sometimes to either sit on them while watching TV and having dinner on the coffee table. Or sometimes they make a good enough foot rest.
We should meet. We sure know how to make full use of books with the covers closed.
Run, Mist1! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnn!!!
I don't go tot the library. I just "borrow" books from people I go to visit. My item shelves are quite full.
If you're going underground with a book you'll need one of those handy reading lamps on a head band - a bit like miners wear. Very fetching.
Puss
An image of Mist, Trench Coat, Black Thigh highs, dark alley, steam from the gutters, flickering neon in the background. Pst - ya wanna buy an item? Opening trench, books filling both sides. As usual, forgot the clothes other than the shoes. Good luck underground!
hearts,
You are scaring me.
phishez,
I am having perhaps my third best hair day of my life. I should get some photos. Also, wouldn't they be phishnets?
0,
For overdue books?!
jocelyn,
I'm not hiding from Kurt. Do you know him? Can you put in a good word for me?
a. whore,
I knew that my mastery of disguises would come in handy.
lizza,
They will never take me alive.
shadow,
I love the book chute. I dumped my Diet Coke with Black Cherry and Vanilla down it once.
pic,
I'll have to move. Maybe I'll change my name.
Thanks for coming by.
fab,
I have to make sure that I don't run into myself. It could really throw something off.
velvet,
I am nothing, if not practical.
anne,
Can't I just read blogs underground?
Thanks for coming by.
venge,
Why didn't I think of using books as a TV tray?
wg,
I don't run. Look at these heels.
lux,
I don't know people who read.
puss,
My hair can't do head lamps.
michael,
I don't own a trench. I do have a fabulous rain slicker.
My son is in 1st grade and his school has book mobile (a portable county library). He is constantly checking out books and then losing them or forgetting to turn them in.
The bad part is that they continue to let him check out other books. He had 9 outstanding book fees at one time. I turned in all the books finally and the fees were dropped.
I thought you were allowed to KEEP library books. Ah, suddenly it all makes sense...
I love how librarians now have Masters degrees and consider themselves purveyors of information and protectors of American civil liberties.
They do provide a valuable service in babysitting the homeless and latchkey kids.
When are you coming to Florida to visit me?
you know they have the death penalty in texas...and walker, texas ranger too. watch out for the roundhouse.
I was acquainted with a person from Australia named Naroeli. No joke.
The librarians snigger at each other whenever I check stuff out. I think they have a pool, and someone makes money everytime I check a book out and the librarian has to say "You have $xx.xx due in late fees." I don't think I've given the the oppotunity not to say that in a long time.
i feel so abused... recycling posts... isn't it easier to just take a vacation? I mean would you recycle the food you give to Koi fish? no way
I had a feeling you were a criminal.
You make the automated calls seem very Orwellian. Big Brother wants his books back.
lol! it's like when they call a couple an 'item'. NO, they're a COUPLE!! doi. :D
Hey beware underground. A sign that hung in my high school library read: Book thieves-may book worms gnaw on your entrails
YIKES! I am still suffering for those dog gone sports illustrateds that I had to have-ouch!!!!!
I once had a cat named Vonnegut also, but that is besides the point. RUNNNNNNNNNN
return it at night so they can't pick you up. You will be doing the right thing, avoiding late fees, and avoiding the warrant they have out on you. I think they will forgive and forget if you just give the book back....please!!!
If you run into yourself, I think you guys should makeout ... and take pictures. I'm just saying.
Those library police totally have no sense of humor. They're like G'Men, only not as cute. And those hornrimmed glasses they wear, ugh! But don't worry, they can't follow you across state lines. Have fun with your friend!
reba,
His credit is going to be screwed.
girlie,
You may have to move to a new county.
matt,
The poor homeless latchkey kids.
av,
I'll be at your Halloween party.
furious,
If I had been a boy my parents would have named me Walker.
dave,
Did you just call me a snigger?
mayren,
Recycling is good.
lee,
I have a checkered past.
bird,
I think I returned that one.
miztris,
Good point. I never thought of that.
wreck,
A cat named Vonnegut is totally on topic. Now, if the cat had been named Kilgore, that would be different.
rach,
Do you work for my local library system?
ajooja,
I make out with myself all the time.
evil,
Mmmm. G'Men.
I'm going to hold you to that!
Good Grief....NOW I have heard it all!! Blogger on the lamb for book-nabbing.....run Mist run!!
You could always seek asylum up here in Canada......LOL
I'm just glad that they don't have inter-city databases to track us down....
av,
I'll be there. Looked like a great party.
boo,
Well, now that you told everyone where I was going to seek asylum, I have to go somewhere else.
jali,
You put what in the where?
claudia,
New World Order is here.
You must return the book if only to avoid the age-enhanced photo. That must be avoided at all costs.
sqt,
I am so afraid right now.
This is a recycled comment... I hope it fits here.
Go Gators!
bice,
I only approved that comment because Gators is a shoe brand.
You could be like the nice man who returned his book after 50 years. That would probably hurt your image as an outlaw though. Nevermind, keep the book! Hope the visit is going well.
michael,
I have an outlaw image? Cool.
So you ARE still alive, right? Fringes isn't really a Texas Ranger??
At our local library they have instituted a policy in which you are required to sign a statement admitting that you are a thief if you have an overdue book. I swear I'm not making that up.
Texas, eh?
Welcome to my home state. I hope you like it. And never mind what the ceo said about the death penalty. They don't use it on you unless you do something really, really bad.... like murder, rape, and ...forgetting to return overdue library books.
I shred those letter and hand those calls to my kids. Works so far.
All of you are doing it wrong... Sure, it may not be expensive, but the pain of rushing through the book to meet (or not meet) the deadlines is a bit too much. I prefer to create my own library, gathering books up over the years, and then walk into the local public library and shove it in their faces. They're none too pleased, especially when I'm in a bit of a mood for some dry wit.
Mist, referring to earlier, don't come to Canada. We have The Harper Regime. Its something you'll never live down. Anything east of the Rocky Mountains is in danger of him...
*shifty eyes*
*gasp*
I ... I think they're here. I'll attempt to remain in contact, but I may have to flee. They have informers everywh -
*end transmission*
NAROELI? Isn't that an appetizer at the Olive Garden?
Just give the library a contribution and you can return whenever you want. Better still, buy ‘em a new Vonnegut book.
NAROELI contacted me just the other day asking if I knew a "Mist 1" person. That she was considered armed with a great sense of humor and dangerous because she had in her possession some book about VoonieGut. I told them that you visited my Glob quite often and that I would have you call them as soon as you returned from Texas. In the meantime, I asked them if they would mail you a new table. I think it will arrive the same day you return home. You're Welcome.
tug,
I'm alive and kicking.
csl,
Do you have to wear a sandwich board announcing that while you walk in front of the library?
Thanks for coming by.
thinker,
Now I'm scared.
Thanks for coming by.
olives,
I'm forwarding my calls to you.
lyze,
Crossing Canada off the list.
shife,
Naroeli is part of the nipple.
nick,
You make it sound so easy.
swamp,
I'm not sure that I can trust you.
*whispering*
I've been on the run for about three years now. I think they have my phone tapped...and they might even be trying to trap me with rival companies (i.e. Blockbuster and Netflix).
It's really not my fault...they told me everything was free for five days!! C'mon...if they can live 5 days w/o it...surely they don't need it...right??
I hate Hollywood Video...
um...don't tell'm you spoke to me...
:(
No way! I just heard on NPR this afternoon about a guy who had a book in his attic for 47 years or something. He was charged at the rate that he borrowed it - a penny for every day late. He paid $170 to the library and walked away with a clear conscience...
counselor,
I am building up a story to tell Netflix. I can explain. Honestly.
pbg,
They're not getting any of my ill-earned money.
mist honey call the aclu. they love stuff like this. especially with those shoes and all, they'll swarm around you! and honey, did you see odat's diary? i took it this morning and left it somewhere and now i can't find it and if she finds out she'll be mad at me i'm afraid and i only read part of it, what with not finding my glasses until late and all. i just read the part where she took off her panties at work. and mist? don't tell anyone, okay? thanks....bee
Say "hi" to all my relatives in Texas! ;-)
gtb,
Random insanity is welcome here. It's what I do best.
Thanks for coming by.
bee,
Secret is safe with me. I'm going to Odat's site now.
pissy,
They want to know when you're going to wear a big 10 gallon hat again. Stop trying to deny your love for TX.
No sandwich board, just a big "T" for thief stamped on your forehead. Luckily, this is Tennessee so everyone just assumes you are a UT fan.
csl,
You have libraries in TN? I thought I was in the only progressive place in the South.
I borrowed some books and a couple of cds, then things were a bit busy, broke up with a girlfriend, moved house..
By the time the library's letters caught up with me the fines were a king's ransom. and I'd lost a couple of the books somewhere, maybe back at her place, maybe in boxes in my parents' garage, who knows.
I dug my head in the sand and ignored the letters.
Eventually one came threatening that if I neither returned the books nor paid for them, they would be taking me to court...
Reading the attached papers, I noted that they were valuing the books at either the original buying in price or at a depreciated price, because they were dirt-cheap. far below the fines accrued. And two of the books were out of print gems I'd searched bookshops to find, and come up empty.
So I dashed a quick cheque off, for a sum less than a quarter of the fines, and was cleared of guilt, officially. they didn't even demand my library ticket.
I can see one of the books from here. A bargain, I'd have paid twice that for that one book alone.
sobriquet,
I would have sued the girlfriend for the library fines and other expenses. Oh, and pain and suffering, definately have to get pain and suffering.
Thanks for coming by.
If I'd sued the bitch she'd just have sold more of my stuff, that she appropriated, to pay me.
Oh if only I'd listened to her sister's warnings.
soubriquet,
My sister has warned me before too. Something about leave mom and dad alone.
If she's good at warnings ask her, please, for a few general-purpose warnings for me. I need them. Things like "Don't tip that hot mug of tea all over your trousers, it will hurt, and you'll hop around in circles, swearing." That would have been useful, five minutes ago.
soubriquet,
That's a good one. I'm going to remember that for as long as I can. Of course, I'm not supposed to be around hot liquids, the stove, or anything sharp.
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