Over Due Booze
This is a recycled post from a long time ago on a blog far, far away...if you're old school, you'll remember it. I'm in the great state of TX visiting with my friend Fringes.
I am a wanted woman.
The County Library is looking for me. More accurately, I guess they're looking for Kurt Vonnegut's TimeQuake, but it feels like they are after me.
It started with automated calls. Eerie, monotone reminders that I have "one item" overdue. It makes me laugh to call a book an "item." I'm not sure why. I now have an itemshelf in my living room.
Next, a computer generated notice appeared in my mailbox. The notice encouraged me to Pay Up. The replacement fine charged by the library is three times the retail cost of the book. It would be so much simpler if I could just go to Borders and purchase a copy of the book for the library. Plus, then I could use my Border's gift card, keeping my out-of-pocket expenses at $0.
They can keep trying. The item is holding up the table that holds all of my paints. It was wobbly. Now it is perfect. If I remove the book, my paints will fall off the crooked table. I wish I could explain this to them, but the County Library People are not reasonable. They also take themselves too seriously.
They could call the National Association for the Return of Overdue and Exploited Library Items (NAROELI). "Have you seen this book?" postcards would flood mailboxes across the country. Photos of the book cover would appear on milk cartons next to age-enhanced (horrors!) images my my face, captioned: "Last seen with Mist 1."
So, I can never go to the library again. I am taking the item and I am going underground.