To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, January 12, 2007

Little B*tches


I adopted my cat a few months ago. I can't imagine how I ever lived without him. I wake up in the morning and he is poised over me, ready to strike. I scream and he runs. It is a refreshing way to wake up.

Hissy (the cat), steals stuff that reminds him of me and stashes them under my bed. I'm not sure why the kitchen sponge reminds him of me, but it's under my bed with my fishnets and a bra and one of my shower gloves. Yes, I wear gloves in the shower. My skin is deliciously soft.

Originally, I wanted a dog. I had a dog purse, a name, and several outfits picked out for him. We were going to spend every moment together. I was even going to pick up his little turds. That's a love like I have never known. I found a breeder. She looked human, but she swore that she had the most adorable teacup Yorkies this side of the Mississippi. I didn't want her to probe into my sex life, so I didn't ask how she bred all those adorable puppies. I've done it that way and I've never had a litter.

I ended up adopting Hissy because, in the end, I decided that there is only enough room for one little b*tch in here.

I have given this a lot of thought and have developed a theory. I am almost a lap dog. Especially, when it comes to relationships.

Like a lap dog, I'm kind of annoying. I yap a lot. I might hump your leg. I've been known to puke on the rug. I want to go for a ride in the car. I'll gladly stick my nose in your crotch. It's best to keep me on a short leash. I need my nails trimmed. Sometimes, I have crud in the corners of my eyes. I want to eat at the table. That spot on my stomach drives me crazy. I can lick my own...nevermind.

I need to go outside. I have to go.

Mist 1


104 Comments:

At 9:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cats will lay down on your face and smother you in your sleep, you know. Would Hissy fit into a gerbil cage--just for your safety during sleep?

 
At 9:41 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Oh my Gingerness, I lurve you so much.

You're such a good girl, yes you are. You're so pretty babydoll. Aw, you're such a pretty baby, such a pretty girl you are.

You want a treat? Huh? Do you? You want a treat? Can you shake? If you shake, you get a pair of Pedro Garcia two-tone platforms, because you're such a good girl. Oh, the low cut pattern with the high, high heel--yes, you like it, don't you, Mama's baby.

Oh, give me kiss.

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

I had a dog purse once. Made of real dog.

It was so soft.

 
At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

Those last two paragraphs? Priceless.

 
At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that dog photo bears a frightening resemblance to my own pooch. has he been paying you unauthorized visits while I've been at work? (uh, wait. I don't really have a job...ok, when I've been out socialzing/)

 
At 11:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I know that you can be trusted... You have a cat.

The question is, can the cat be trusted?

How long until it attempts to break your neck by pushing you over the stairs? Be wary of their attempts. They curl around your legs and try to make you trip.

 
At 11:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My cat steals other peoples dirty underwear and stashes it in my room.

 
At 11:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We better get you fixed.

 
At 11:56 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

And when you lovers get tired of you they can take you to another part of town and throw you out the window. No fuss, no mess, no commitments, no regrets.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I would've had to hurt if you'd ended up with the dog purse.

 
At 1:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hissy? what a fantastic name for a cat.

Do you guys have the term "hissy fit" in the US?

 
At 1:26 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I need a Hissy to get me out of bed in the morning!! Today, it took a pack of wild horses to drag me out and in to work! They're busy eating hay now outside...

 
At 2:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But can they carry you around in a purse????? huh? That would be the real deal!
Peace

 
At 3:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno...cats can be pretty bitchy too. My mother has one that will only let certain people come near her...I'm not one of them.

 
At 3:52 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I hope you have had all your shots.

 
At 4:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi,nice to meet you... I saw your blog and found it very interesting. if you want to know more about me or ask me anything, you can e-mail or use msn to talk to me at yibin_1995@hotmail.com

 
At 4:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dogs smell. I'm sure you are fragrant, Mist. Do you bark at the moon? Do you drink from puddles? Do you chase sticks with your tongue hanging out?

On second thoughts, don't answer that.

Puss

 
At 4:34 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I hada freind once when I lived in Arizona... He'd just gotten a Chocolate Lab puppy and was asking my help in naming her.

I told him to name her "J-Lo"... Because she's a little brown bitch too...

 
At 5:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cats are pure evil.

 
At 5:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you're headed out, I'm off to a cold shower.
Bad Dog! riling us all up that way

 
At 6:14 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

The alcohol has finally pickled your brain. It's okay, we still love you.

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Being flexible is such a sweet thing....LOL

Sylvester steals my stuff too and then hides it in the shower....

 
At 6:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Sit mist1', SIT! Good girl" *pats head*

 
At 6:41 AM, Blogger Reba said...

At least you got a boy cat. Girl cats can be such Divas.

 
At 6:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG mist1 your bananas! i like pugs but every other kind of yappy little lap dog makes me want to punt them like a football! in pointy toe'd stilettos!!

 
At 6:47 AM, Anonymous slick said...

Do you walk around panting with your tongue hanging out too?

I'm excited enough as it is

 
At 6:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So your double jointed?

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

some say that leg humping is the sincerest form of flattery. my dog tells me that at least.

 
At 7:07 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

That is the cutest cat I've ever seen in my whole life...is it a ChihuahuaPersian? Be careful of the hairballs. I understand that this particular breed can cough up some mighty nasty stuff.

 
At 7:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...you can lick your own? And you still leave the house?

 
At 7:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gotta know - how much do you enjoy picking cat turds out of the litter box? And do they make a cat purse?

And do you sniff butts?

Your post left me with so many more questions than answers! Thanks for the Friday puzzles.

 
At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another great post. Yeah, I think if you had gotten that dog it may have resulted in an ugly territorial thing. The cat is probably best...

 
At 7:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would like to think you're not quite as hairy!!

 
At 7:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1, you learn how to "roll over" and you're damned near perfect.

 
At 8:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you get him little outfits to match yours?
My dog just goes around nekked. She's so big, her outfits would probably cost as much as mine.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

I have threatened the guinea pig that they will have to shack up together.

123,

Of course, I'll kiss you. You know, my mouth is like seven times cleaner than the average person's mouth.

nwjr,

I bet it smelled if it got wet.

alison,

All true.

deezee,

We've been sneaking around for months now. I had to tell you somehow.

lyze,

I have not broken my neck yet. Hissy can keep trying.

phishez,

Sure, blame the cat.

killer,

I second that.

bice,

That's pretty much how my last break up went. I was stranded on the highway for hours.

orhan,

I would have needed several purses to match all of my shoes.

shadow,

I throw hissy fits. He just hisses.

spoon,

I love horses.

odat,

I would feel just like a princess.

trish,

And how does that make you feel?

fab,

Am up to date. See my tags?

yibin,

I have lots of questions.

Thanks for coming by.

puss,

I chased a car this morning. Almost got myself killed.

ranger,

I suppose the dog had a fabulous a$$ too.

lux,

Don't be put off by the name Hissy. He really is very sweet; sharp on every side, but sweet.

wreck,

I changed my mind. I want to come back in.

av,

I love pickles. I've gotten myself into plenty.

cheeky,

Sylvester should tell Hissy to put my stuff back in the shower.

ctw,

Here's the part where you give me a treat.

reba,

Hissy is pretty easy. I just have to protect myself in my sleep.

yasamin,

I love it when you talk shoes to me.

slick,

I have been known to drool a little bit.

nolff,

I was a gymnast. If you only knew.

furious,

Your dog talks? Or does he say it in poetry?

swamp,

The Chihuahua Persian is bred to cough up hairballs on the kitchen floor and not on the rug. Very expensive breed.

lee,

I leave when I run out of dental floss.

tigger,

I spend a lot of time in front of the litter box. Hissy helps me by reaching in and flinging litter at my face.

michael,

I suppose you're right. We would have ripped each other to shreds. With a cat, I am the only one being ripped to shreds.

claudia,

Think of me however you please. Just, think of me often.

matt,

I can play dead and shake.

choo,

Do you get your dog's handmedowns?

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you were humping my leg instead of my crotch'al region...eh....I think I'd have to put an end to our relationsip. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you were humping my leg instead of my crotch'al region...eh....I think I'd have to put an end to our relationsip. ;)

Steve~

 
At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shower gloves? I'm intrigued.

And I thought you were an iguana person!

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

steven,

Can we still be friends?

kelley,

I'm off iguanas for a bit.

 
At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

*whistles* "here doggy, I'm in the shower"

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Seeing as how that pic is not a Yorkie, um...has anyone told you that Hissy is a chihuahua?

 
At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I'm glad you warned me about the crotch thing. You know, in case we meet.

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

wreck,

Hold on, I'm eating out of the trash.

cruise,

This is totally like the time that my parents told me that I wasn't their kid.

sqt,

Before we meet, I will send a list of other personality quirks.

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger fringes said...

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

 
At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wake up in the morning and he is poised over me, ready to strike. I scream and he runs. It is a refreshing way to wake up.

Much, much better than waking up to the "Today Show". Thanks for the tip!

 
At 10:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that is not a picture of a cat - and I should know FAZ

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cats are mean. That's why I love them.

 
At 11:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But do you like Taco Bell?

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

The 'chick wears fishnets in the shower.

 
At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you chase your own tail too?? I do. I love the headrush. :D

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger STAK said...

i have room for lots of little bitches.....there all in my head.......and they scream at me about the toilet seat,my beer consumption,my farts,etc.....which means they're pretty much constantly screaming.......

did i mention that i fucking love your blog......

i've been away too long.....

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

Are you trying to see that I need my hair done? You can kind of see my roots, you're right.

dan,

You liked Katie better than Meredith?

faz,

You type really well for a cat. It's got to be hard since your thumbs are up on your forearm.

Thanks for coming by.

ddl,

I'm not sure if Hissy's mean, he just wants to pluck my eyeball out.

tug,

Not so much.

chick,

Do you use Woolite?

miztris,

I want to see this on YouTube.

stak,

I hear the voices too. Where have you been? I've been here.

 
At 1:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Long or short hair?

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

3 pussies in my house is more than I can handle I relate. I call my Sister's cat, Devil Cat -- so appropos. That's the only pussy there that's fully covered in fur and has retractable claws. Bitch.

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tellin',

I'm waxed.

maiden,

I have breakable claws. Although, I am finding it easier to type now.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger Jay said...

I am so not a cat person. My husband is, and would like one, which is why I thank god that I'm the girl, and I'm in charge.

 
At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wake up the same way in the morning, but it's my kids poised over me, ready to strike. Same reaction, though. ;)

-velvet

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

jay,

Gawd, I love being a girl.

velvet,

Do you sleep in fear? I do.

 
At 7:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A dog purse? What, is the head the flap?

(Crankster)

 
At 8:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats on the cat. I really love them however today I had the unfortunate experience of seeing a cat with worms. Not a pretty site let me tell you ;)

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

You don't understand handbags at all, do you?

turtle,

Worms. That reminds me of a story.

 
At 10:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Umm.....you wanna come over tonight?

 
At 10:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kiyotoe,

Totally. The wine here has weirdly disappeared. Can we go for a walk?

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

Thank you for stopping at my blog! Also I wanted to say, you one funny lady!

 
At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bitches are the best.

 
At 2:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

smart move getting a cat - no need to walk it. My dog is currently licking up every bit of dust and dirt on the floor in preperation for vomiting. I am lucky to have a dog that warns me vomit is coming in the next 1-12 hours.

 
At 2:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

smart move getting a cat - no need to walk it. My dog is currently licking up every bit of dust and dirt on the floor in preperation for vomiting. I am lucky to have a dog that warns me vomit is coming in the next 1-12 hours.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

It's okay if you've gotten into plenty of pickles as long as plenty of pickles have been in you.

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

We need visual proof of this leg-humping you speak of. STAT!

-N

 
At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

whatever you want to do Mist. My cup runneth over with wine over here......

 
At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

pussies are great

 
At 8:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA! Love it...wait a sec...i guess i'm like a lap dog too. Damn.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Um, that's an interesting looking cat, Mist. Did he used to work for Taco Bell?

 
At 11:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

revree,

It's sort of my thing. Glad you caught me on a good day.

Thanks for coming by.

pbg,

Yes, yes we are.

olives,

Hissy warns me when he's going to puke. He heads for the rug.

av,

I like Vlassic. Garlic dills.

natalia,

If you've seen one leg humping, you've seen them all.

kiyotoe,

My cup runneth over the other night. It's never going to come out of my rug.

brooklyn,

Indeed.

nofear,

Nothing wrong with being a little b*tch.

hearts,

It's been tough finding work since that whole e. Coli thing.

 
At 1:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I'll gladly stick my nose in your crotch."

Why do dogs do this even if you're fresh out of the shower????

 
At 2:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lizza,

That is the best time to stick your nose in someone's crotch. It seems obvious to me.

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

I am glad you got Hissy - I'm pretty sure breeders aren't human.

Don't buy while they die, that's my motto...

I hope Hissy enjoys the outfits ;)

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

I am glad you got Hissy - I'm pretty sure breeders aren't human.

Don't buy while they die, that's my motto...

I hope Hissy enjoys the outfits ;)

 
At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ignoring the obvious "Hey you could make big bucks selling tickets to a showing of that licking thing...."

My dog was raised with cats. She thinks she is one. Consequently when you rub her stomach she growls. She thinks she's purring. She loves to do it, and she's really loud about it.

It's fun to watch it scare the crap out of strangers.

:)

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Ha ha ... I'm all caught up on your blog. Hope you're having a good time on the fringes of texas!

ICL

 
At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.

HILARIOUS!

 
At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.

HILARIOUS!

 
At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

I have a shih-tzu, he's 17 lbs, so not exactly a lap dog. He's a holy terror! I love him in spite of that, but he's a nightmare sometimes.

 
At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog. And I had to tell you that I'm in love with you. Well, as much as a hetero girl from Canada can be in love with an apparently hetero girl from the dirty south.

But such as it is? I'm in Luuuuuuv.

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pisser,

Hissy doesn't actually like being dressed up that much. Unless sticking his claws into my face is a sign of enjoyment, then he really likes it.

willie,

Do you pick up the stranger's crap like you pick up your dogs?

Thanks for coming by.

icl,

I'm all caught up with my blog too.

kat,

Ridiculous, but true.

kristyn,

I'm a nightmare too, sometimes.

sadie,

This is all happening so fast.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not picking up your turds..

 
At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Evil Genius said...

Wow, Mist, your post really explained everything for me. I had no idea I was a true lap dog!! LOL

Thank god my new kitty, Milo, hasn't figured it out yet, or he might get jealous. While he's busy chasing cat nip, I'll be free to hump legs and lick my own!

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

skittles,

Where's the love?

evil,

I had to go to a 12-step program to get over catnip.

 
At 8:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Originally, I wanted a dog. I had a dog purse, a name, and several outfits picked out for him. We were going to spend every moment together


You had a dog purse? I always THOUGHT I detected just a bit of Hanibel Lecter from you.

BD

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, as a doglover & master of 5, I must admit I love this post! Too funny.
You know, they say that when you describe your favorite animal, you are also describing your ideal life-partner. i know there are millions of men who only dream of meeting a woman like you!

 
At 10:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

slb,

Have them call me. Although, I'd like to try a three month partner before I start thinking about a life-time partner.

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

donk,

I love fava beans.

 
At 8:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh...what Lyze said and more!

Cats came before humans, which should mean that they should be the dominant species. But when we arrived, we overthrown their furry butts.
Now they are contemplating to kill us. Ever hear of deadly car accidents on the radio? They are caused by cats who are going to the vet.

One of my cats, while I was petting it on the head (which it likes), swatted at me for no f**king reason whatsoever!!! And I'm not exactly fond of dogs because they sniff my butt and crotch. I'm afraid they'll bite and...well, you know what'll happen next.

There is a bit of wolf in me, however. I howl to the moon, and I do a damn good wolf howl. AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

RANDOM QUOTE
Honey, please don't scream the name of your ex when we are making out, okay?

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mike,

I've had a bit of wolf in me too. I'm still on probation for those cruelty to animals charges.

 
At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love my cat, she's my baby, and like you, I was going to buy a dog. Anyways, Im angela, new to the site, and new to blogging, thought you might be interested in reading my blog.

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

broken,

Welcome to blogging. I checked out your blog the last time that you suggested that I do so. I follow directions at least once.

 
At 8:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

1
I thought we had this discussion once, on the value of Hissy's privacy, and his need for sunglasses, etc.

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

0,

Hissy is a code name.

 
At 3:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait-a-minute...Hissy is a codename? Did that cat get a book from the library and never returned?

If you say no Mist, just say, "Um...sure, let's go with that."

RANDOM QUOTE
"Elmo's got a gun.
Elmo's got a gun.
Big Bird's on the run.
Ernie's dialing 9-1-1.
What made Elmo snap?
Was he tired of Big Bird's crap?
They say when they arrested Elmo,
They found Oscar headless in the trash..."

Whatever you think is good about Sesame Street, kiddies...you are absolutely dead wrong. It is like GTA: San Andreas.

 
At 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait-a-minute...Hissy is a codename? Did that cat get a book from the library and never returned?

If you say no Mist, just say, "Um...sure, let's go with that."

RANDOM QUOTE
"Elmo's got a gun.
Elmo's got a gun.
Big Bird's on the run.
Ernie's dialing 9-1-1.
What made Elmo snap?
Was he tired of Big Bird's crap?
They say when they arrested Elmo,
They found Oscar headless in the trash..."

Whatever you think is good about Sesame Street, kiddies...you are absolutely dead wrong. It is like GTA: San Andreas.

*I do not know if this post went through, so I'm posting it again.*
=P

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mike,

Hissy has an image in this neighborhood that I need to protect.

 
At 6:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. That's really all there is to say about that.

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

yvonne,

I think I have ear mites. I left that part out.

 

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ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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