Skinny Arms
I was cleaning out my desk when I came across an old key to my mother's house. I don't know if it is more shocking that I still have the key or that I can remember the year that I acquired it.After I graduated from college, I went home to live with Mom. The unspoken arrangement was that I would move out when I got a job and found an apartment. I got a job. But, the comforts of living in a home where food was delivered every night were too great. I never found an apartment.
It was a fantastic situation. I got home from work and pillaged the fridge. I played a few video games in the basement and then I got dressed to Go Out (read: I put on my f*ck 'em jeans). I got home just in time to shower and go to work. Or sometimes, just go to work. Everything was working out perfectly.
Mom didn't agree. She tried to get me out of her house for six months. She tried logic and reason. She tried yelling. She tried bribery. She even tried an intervention.
Finally, she changed the locks. I think that she thought that changing the locks would be as effective as the year that she gave me luggage for my birthday.
It was a harsh lesson. For her.
Unphased, I slipped my skinny arm into the mail slot and unlocked the door. I let myself in and sat down to watch something on Lifetime about mothers who abandon their daughters.
Mom was not thrilled when she came home. I guess she had already seen the Lifetime movie.
Sometimes, I think that I should live a life of crime. Except for that whole incarceration part. I have all the things necessary for a good crime spree; black clothing and skinny arms.
Mist 1
P.S. Please note that I have a date with Fringes on Thursday. Depending on the wi-fi situation in the Lone Star State, my posts and comments may be irregular. I am still regular, in case you are wondering.
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:48 AM
56 Comments:
Yeah Mist,
If you don't think you can handle yourself on the inside it is best that you decided not to lead a life of crime. However, you never know when you will need those skills as you demonstrated. You should make sure to keep them up, you never what this world will throw at you so you just need to be prepared with an open mind and Sweet Skills.
Working on skinny arms,
Ms. Denva
Hilarious post. So, I want to know how the standoff ended. Did she finally get her way, or did she resign herself to your presence until you were ready to move on?
Luggage is a crappy birthday present when you're 12.
Glad to know you are still regular. Not being so can really hamper the would be criminal or house squatter. You know, for the record, squatting and reularity should never be used in the same sentence. Neither should the words sugar free and cheesecake, but that's not the point.
Do they still make homes that have mail slots in the doors? Ah, to live in a nice neighborhood...
Lifetime shows are so predictable.
1
Look at it this way, you're not there now! Damn cold basement.
Funny story! I wish I could have seen your mother's face when she came home. Something like : Oh God...I'm never gonna get rid of her...(J/K)
Anyhoo. You've got quite a blog going here. Smiles all around.
Black clothes, skinny arms... makes sense. But what shoes?
-velvet
I need to stay far away from you. Skinny arms peeps will only make my flabby arms look like a whale on the street. :|
Sounds like you two are going to have a lot of fun - bubblewrap and all.
No-one had to shunt me out the door! I begged to go to boarding school - my mom also looked upset then, I think she hoped I'd be taking my dad with me!
I have the opposite problem. My parentals keep trying to get me to move back home.
I'm the baaaaby! Awww!
Sadly the delights of home cooking don't make up for hearing my olds having vigourous sex.
I can't be dealing with that shit.
I believe I have children with the same tendencies. I'm sure your Mom looks back on that time (unless you're still there??) with fondness.
lol thats so the opposite of me the day my dad, mum, sister and the whole universe dropped me off at uni I closed the door of my new room and vowed never to move home ever again.
They tried food, bribery and all sorts but I aint going back
I've used the doggie door on several occasions.
I'd like to go on a crime spree. Unfortunately, there's nothing to really violate around here, other than sheep and hayballs. The sheep are probably already being violated and hayballs are just dull
See if your mother was smart, she would have filled the fridge with arm-fattening foods like Zagnut and Nutter Butters, then she'd have you out on your keister. Keister is a great word, if I have another child, I'm naming them Keister. It's like Kiefer but with more ass.
Skinny arms are also useful in getting free sodas from the vending machine.
My arms are too chubby to fit through the mail slot, but I once used the tie-handles from a garbage bag to reach through the mail slot and pull down the handle of the inside of the door.
I can break into every building in my office now that I have that particular secret.
Not that I would or anything...
"...she tried logic and reason, yelling, bribery, intervention..."
Had your mom not heard about exorcisms? The Lone Star state will never be the same. Someone needs to call and tell them you're coming.
denva,
Sweet Skills. I like the way that sounds. I have to update my resume.
Thanks for coming by.
sister ml,
It didn't end well. My elbow wass brusied.
Thanks for coming by.
bice,
Still, it was nice luggage.
michael,
I like to think about breaking into people's homes just to use the bathroom. I may do that. Then, I'll take pictures and start a new blog.
jack,
I'm not telling if the movie made me cry or not.
lucas,
Mom was horrified. She looked so defeated. She didn't even order take-out that night.
Thanks for coming by.
velvet,
I'm thinking something red. One does want a hint of color.
venge,
Definately stay away from me. My elbows are really pointy and if I start flailing them around, someone's going to get hurt.
karmyn,
I hope there's both big and little bubblewrap. I like variety.
spoon,
I always wanted to go to boarding school. I also wanted to be adopted.
steph,
My parents have never had sex. Ever. I was a miracle.
kai,
I was there for the holidays. She kept having flashbacks.
shadow,
I never thought I'd be the kind of person to go home again...but the temptation was too great.
lux,
I've gotten a doggie bag.
choo,
You're killing me with the sheep and hayballs.
fab,
Welcome to the family.
furious,
I love that name. Is it German?
av,
Yes they are. Not that I'm going out to try that now.
nwjr,
Why did you have tie handles from garbage bags handy? No one has ever said that to me before.
swamp,
I'm glad Mom didn't call a priest. I would have thought that I was dying.
Yeah, lifetime has ruined a lot of things and living situations....think we can sue?
A date? Should I be jealous???
I'm amazed that you could recognaize an old key, I have trouble recognizing the current keys in my purse.
Unlike you, my mom never wanted me to leave. She went to extreme measures to make sure I never did. Finally, SHE moved. I live in her house alone now. I guess all worked out for the best.
Glad to know you're still regular, I was a bit worried for a while.
OK, I'm back, this time with my glasses on and not at 5:07 a.m.
I thought those were the strangest-looking keys I had ever seen in my life. Now, in the light of day and be-spectackled, I can see those are the mail-slots. It's all making sense now.
Your arms must be WAY skinny!!
I think I missed something...lol
Peace
I got skinny arms, but wow-a mail slot!
You also need black shoes. Black shoes without heels.
THAT has always been my downfall.
At first my mom seemed to want me to leave. Now she drops hints that I can't afford to live alone. However, the appearance of my apt may have something to do with that...
Love the blog!
Great work.
well honey your mom should have done what sarge and i did. we moved..... bee
I once had to break into the house through my bedroom window. My parent's were pissed because anybody passing by as I did so could see how to break into my parents' home.
I once had to break into the house through my bedroom window. My parent's were pissed because anybody passing by as I did so could see how to break into my parents' home.
Its not so much that you could get your skinny arm in the mailslot as it is that you could then reach the lock....wow - you much have LONG skinny arms...
as always, great post Mist !
Can I call you next time I lock myself out? My muscles are way too big to get through the letterbox. I'm sure the flight would be less expensive than the 24-hour locksmith...
Puss
oh, I wear black all the time and I'm skinny armed too! wanna be in cahoots?
I've always wanted to be in cahoots with somebody. :D
in general i've tended to avoid a life of crime but if it's an incentive for a girl to keep her arms skinny then hey, i'm all for it.
And here I thought having skinny arms was just a matter of looking good..I guess it's just an added bonus!
it's good to have options. Apparently skinny arms gave you options. Your mother should have fed you better! :0)
it's good to have options. Apparently skinny arms gave you options. Your mother should have fed you better! :0)
Wait, what, you're flying all the way to Texas to go on a date? With some person you don't even know? That's... very far. Aren't you missing out on a huge number of dirty martinis and shoes for the cost of that ticket?
that's hilarious. I lived with my parents "in between" stuff and the most recent was a year and a half while my divorce was happening. It was hell. HELL. I still have a key but dont go there very often. We usually just meet at the beach
the whole arm through the mail chute thing was impressive, but had you been able to slip through the mail chute without opening the door at all,,,,now that would have been something.
You DO have some skinny arms....but then you're teeny tiny so bigger arms would just look odd, wouldn't they?
cheeky,
You had your chance when I was freezing in MN.
trish,
I got this engraving tool a few years ago. I marked the key.
susan,
I wish my mom had thought of that.
vince,
I like to keep you up to date. No need to worry.
swamp,
None of this makes sense to me.
matt,
If she drove that new Rolls that I saw on the Today show, I would totally steal it.
kristi,
I also wear black. It's very slimming.
Thanks for coming by.
odat,
Do you have a mailslot? If you are missing something, I might have taken it.
wreck,
It's really not that hot, but it sure came in useful.
Thanks for coming by.
britt,
Where do I find shoes without heels?
dave,
I haven't seen my apt anywhere. Have you seen it?
Thanks for coming by.
bee,
Then I could have had the place to myself.
bird,
They changed the locks on you too?
meg,
My arms are freakishly long. I am a little sensitive about it.
lbb,
There's nothing like a real income and no expenses.
puss,
Maybe I should start a business.
miztris,
I thought you'd never ask. Cahoots sounds good.
hube,
What do you have against crime?
claudia,
Never underestimate the advantages of skinny arms.
olives,
You're right. I blame Mom.
saurabh,
I'm hoping to make up for the cost in TX.
junk,
I wanna go to the beach. I'm tired of winter.
evil,
She had to learn somehow. I learned that from Lifetime.
fringes,
Blogger has been killing me today.
stewart,
My head is very large.
pissy,
Bigger arms would ruin my crime spree.
Regular is good. We can all live with regular.
orhan,
Regular is great.
I can't say my arms are skinny since you've seen my fat ass.
Have the prune martini.
jali,
I'm going to live in a retirement community where they serve those.
Heh heh, your mother must've had a secretive fit when she found out locking the doors was not enough to keep you out.
mike,
It wasn't so much a secretive fit as a gran mal seizure.
yasamin,
That one was based on my life.
And yet my mother has desperately tried to give me the key to her house for the last 10 years.
nofear,
I'll take it. I could use another place to crash and watch Lifetime.
Thanks for coming by.
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