Alternate Positions
Last night was supposed to be quiet. I wanted to sit at home and drink wine and write. I wanted to sift through my paints and organize the photos I've been taking of my toes.
I don't understand time in the conventional sense. Rather, I understand it by how deep into my bottle of wine I am. Two glasses in, my doorbell rang.
I wasn't expecting anyone. I was sitting on the couch in a tank top and my underwear. I should mention that I was wearing little boy's underwear. I thought it was sort of whimsical and cute, but judging from Jamie's reaction, it was more comical than whimsical. She laughed and slapped me on the a$$ on her way in the door. "Cute, Mist."
Jamie is always a vision of beauty. I wish more people would ring my doorbell with a bottle vodka in hand. Jamie is not a guest in my house. She knows where all my stuff is. Sometimes, I call her and ask her where my stuff is. She pushed past me and opened the fridge. "Why don't you ever have any mixers?" she complained from the kitchen. In my home, ice cubes are mixers.
While she poured vodka over ice, I scanned the living room for panties and signed out of chat. She sat on the couch and started to cry. I am not good in situations that involve tears. I moved over to hug her. "Don't touch me in those f*cking tighty whiteys!" she shrieked. I backed off. It's not the first time that my little boy's underwear has turned someone off. My UPS man just rings the doorbell and runs.
Jamie is newly married and the sex has already gone bad. I now refer to her husband as Missionary Paul. Missionary Paul is only interested in one kind of sex; the kind where his wife lies on her back and screams over his shoulder at the ceiling about how he is totally rocking her world and could he fix the dishwasher in the morning. This is the kind of sex that I should perfect because my sink is still backed up.
I don't understand. I am the type of girl that tells a man what I want in bed. "Honey, get the towel," is one of my favorite phrases. It seems that Jamie is unable to express her true desires in bed. I can't help her here. I have tried. I listened as much as I could, but I just don't know what to do.
I offered all the advice that I could. I told her that a little role play might spice things up a bit. She looked at me in my little boy's underwear and cried uncontrollably. Jamie cried until we passed out, in my bed. When I woke up, her big toe was snugly up my a$$. As I pried her toe out of my a$$, I told her that a bottle of vodka will get you everywhere. She made me breakfast with the leftover vodka and went home. It was a good breakfast. Who knew that I had orange juice in the freezer?
I am turning to you all (that's y'all for my Southern readers) for help with marital sex. It seems, that I am only knowledgable about extra or pre-marital sex.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:14 AM
85 Comments:
I have a suggestion: give HIM the Vodka. Either that or she can try talking to him about this.
It does not bode well if the sex is bad early in the marriage because early in the marriage, that's pretty much all there is.
Maybe Jamie should be feeding her husband vodka instead of you.
I can't give help...we ended up having twins and I don't want anyone holding me responsible for having multiples. It's a cross I'll bear...
Oh Geez -
1. Change of scenery.
2. She could try to be more assertive and take him on top
3. She needs to COMMUNICATE - they are married, she should be able to talk to him. If you can't talk to the person you are having sex with, you shouldn't be having sex. (unless there's something in your mouth at the time.)
That last comment was for you Mist.
Are tighty-whiteys as comfortable as they say?
Marital sex. Tried it, didn't like it. I'd cry too.
First your legs, I don’t know what jaundice is, I just know it when I see it. I’m not a doctor so consult a Liverologist. Second, post-marital sex. That’s a trick question, there is no such thing. Am I the first to answer correctly? What do I win?
I too cannot comment on the marital sex and I'm even dumbfounded at where they get the extra in extramarital sex 'cause my married friends are happier with the less is more theory of things.
Marital what now??
I don't think I've ever used those two words together before! HA!
Mist as usual your blogs brighten my day in a very sureal way.
I too have a friend who is like furniture in my home, he spends so much time there that I have given him a stock number.. the only reason that I tolirate this overly friendly relatioship is the simple fact that he is the only person in my cultureless group of friends who can just sit shut-up and drink red wine.
He doesnt cry and we have promised never to share the details (or lack there of) of our sex lives with each other.
If he cries or even gets slighly upset we switch to vodca or rum and he goes happy again.
Thus I offer my advice to people who find emotional situations uncomfortable: find a male friend, convince one another that you are virgins with sick minds and drink a lot
I guess you missed my meme where I said I was naughty on my webcam and that Mike joined me ;)
Dang. I been married 27 years and now you are telling me there is such a thing a marital sex?
Whoda thunk it!!
Later Y'all
Mist1,
Please forward photos of your toes to my email account and I'll then be able to offer advice.
Sorry, can't help. I thought marital sex was just a myth and being an only child, my parents only did it the once.
Puss
Tell Jamie just to pretend that he is a john and tell him to leave her $200 on the counter on his way out in the morning. Worked for me for 10 years... then he found himself a real trick!!! Hence, my court date!
Can't help you there Mist...
The sex stopped in my marriage the exact moment I uttered that certain phrase...
"I Do"
After that it was almost like I was a teenager again. I became re-aquainted with my hand.
Then somewhere along the way the sex came back to my marriage, but sadly I STILL wasn't getting any, just every cowboy in town.
What is 'marital sex?' Is that anything like 'martial art?' Maybe, 'martial sex?' Actually, it's too early for me to give any advice to "youenzees" (that's ya'll + 3 in Sutherneeze). I'm off to see if there's any orange juice in the frig.
Marital sex is an oxymoron.
OTOH, maybe I'm not getting any because I insist on wearing boyshorts.
I'm in graduate school right now to be a sex therapist. I have so many suggestions...too many to type here.
You're right. Nothing is going to change unless she speaks up. She can't expect him to read her mind and if she's not saying anything, then he's probably thinking everything is okay. Although, a guy with one trick is pretty sad.
I think it's always good to start at the beginning and move from there. They should spend an evening trying to get to know each other's bodies without jumping right into intercourse. I wouldn't recommend intercourse at all for that night....just manual and oral sex. It might be easier for your friend to tell her husband what she likes or doesn't like if he's doing the same.
Just a couple thoughts.
dorky,
Talking would be too simple.
hearts,
I'm pretty happy with the current vodka situation.
michael,
I have multiples too. It's one of the joys of being a woman.
karmyn,
I can talk even with something in my mouth.
alison,
They are great. Especially that little pocket for my hand.
rhonda,
Come on over. Bring vodka.
slag,
Making an appointment now...
spoon,
Less is more? Oh, that's tragic.
kai,
That's so sad.
junkie,
A male friend, or a male "friend?"
skittles,
Was that one of your 763 posts yesterday?
melon,
Glad I can help.
fab,
I've never thought of getting the towel first. That's too much like planning. I am not a planner.
gyuss,
There's always one person that's just here for the toes.
puss,
That's what you'd like to think.
sassy,
You mean, I could be charging?
ranger,
Ususally for me, the sex stops when I say the wrong name.
nwjr,
I love boyshorts...on me.
debbie,
I have every other kind of therapist, but not a sex therapist. I feel like I'm missing out.
My counsel is get her to a divorce lawyer. Sex is much, much better with anyone than one's husband.
sigh..... woke up with her toe in your WHAT!!!! honey that's just not nice.
(i have to tell these little ones EVERY time they get a toe up their bum that it's just not NICE! do they listen? nnnoooooo. never.)
and y'all in "normal", it's just yankees that are a "bit strange". honey is her husband a yankee? i bet that's the problem and if so, well, she's just screwed is all i can say.....bee
So, in the spirit of friendship, she should scream at the ceiling how he is totally rocking her world and would he please fix -your- sink in the morning. It's the least she can do, really
Anal toe sex is a sign of serious commitment. I think you are in a relationship with Jamie now.
I drank too much vodka last night and was convinced to try some awkward positions. Today I'm pretty sure I pulled my hamstring and broke something I never knew existed.
Tell her to tie him down and have her wicked way with him. If he's not down, kick him out. What's the use of being married if the sex is a yawn?
I am getting married in October and already the sex is less than when we started dating. I have an excuse though. I have a 6 year old that makes it kinda hard to get alone time. Or when we have alone time Auntie flow is visiting. Too much info?? O'well.
She should draw pictures. Or color if she's changed her mind on the boy shorts thing.
Where ARE these women who suffer in silence?!
I remember getting some "criticism" from a girlfriend in college: "You're not moaning loud enough!"
Another used to try to get me to laugh when things needed to be SERIOUS.
I don't know these women who are quiet and demure.
and I know... my UPS lady is hot too.
If she is not enjoying it she probably needs to leave, keep in mind I am not nor have I ever been married.
From experience I have found the best way for a woman to do this is to blindfold her partner and tie/cuff him to a chair. Then take his wallet and whatever valuables she can carry easily i.e. a watch, money clip, painting etc., and leave in his car totally trashing it along the way and abandonning it outside of town or near a bus station.
Your friend's husband is highly unusual, if he only likes it one way. Most men are able to dream up ways possible only in animation drawings.
As a veteran of two-plus decades of marital sex, I'd strongly suggest that your friend and her husband take up a yoga class together. After two months of yoga practice, you won't believe the difference.
I guarant-damn-tee you this will transform things in startling fashion.
The best. Ever. Of any kind.
Am I the only person on the planet still having GOOD marital sex??
Well, now I feel smug.
(Oh - and tell her to TALK to him, damn)
Invite a third...
The guy I like the most is huge on the missionary. I don't think he knows any other thing to do. I'm good with that because I really really like him as a person. No complaints. I go to sleep and, in the morning, I get Starbucks and breakfast.
If your friend is trying to juice it up a little, suggest that she use her trusty vibrator while he watches. If he's appalled, she has bigger problems.
Hmm Marital Sex. I am recently married to a man I have been with for more than 10 years. It ebbs and flows with the sex. SOemtimes it's great, sweaty, mind blowing sex and other times it's a 5 minute let's do this before the kid wakes up.
Tell her to give him the vodka, it only gets worse from here!
you could always just pay for a sex therapist for them. Or perhaps give them a box of condoms and a some warming KY and call it a nite.
Mist,
#1 - Can I move in with you? I've been asking my husband if we can throw the clocks out for years. I like the idea of marking time using the "wine bottle method."
#2 - That sucks for your friend. Maybe she should drag Missionary Paul into a Very Naughty Adult Store and tell him to rock her world or prepare for a benedictine existence. Poor thing.
I would be happy to just be getting damn missionary at this point. You think she could rent her husband out?
The other comments scare me. I was looking forward to marriage because I thought, hey, at least there was a guarantee that I would be getting some. Damnit. Now what am I to do?
who is your UPS guy to criticize, him in his little brown shorts...
I say get some drugs. Smoke a doobie and bring out the food. Under one condition. He has to eat off her body.
Works everytime. Marital or no marital.
My only advice, marital sex is good sex only if you actually like the person your married to.
Just my opinion.
This is why sex before "I DO" is essential!!!! Your poor friend.
Not to be harsh, but Jamie needs to put on her big girl panties and deal. If she's not happy, she has to tell him why. Maybe she needs to realize that she's facing a choice between an uncomfortable conversation and a divorce.
I thought you didn't wear pants?
if she married him then NO topic of conversation should be off limits. She needs to talk to him about it.
There's an Emily Latella joke here about pre-marital sax, but... ah nevermind.
She's so freaked out about your tighty-whitey's it sounds like she may have other things to deal with first.
Other than that, she can tell bubba they need to communicate; and maybe, if that doesn't work, she can suggest that she's going to go find an assistant and try show and tell. (Fear's a b*tch, but not always the same one.)
There's always porn and batteries. It got me through my first marriage.
Oh, and more vodka won't hurt either.
First I would tell her to look at the bright side, at least he gets an errection...my last boyfriend was a half mass most of the time...did I say that out loud...Next She is going to have to be more aggressive...alcohol works for that...and since she already has that down it should not be a problem...If all else fails she should get him drunk...
that is all I got for ya...tell her to encourage him by saying little things like...I like it when you touch me there...wispering...or just use e-mail like me that always works...
I fell her pain...
P.s. did she at least have a new manacure...
One word: Anal.
Have her visit and maybe even call the very fine people of www.freddyandeddy.com
It's ran by the coolest couple ever and their sites tag is "Where couples Cum." It has LOTS of great info and advice, they even have an online store just in case she finds something that might tempt Mr. Lights Out Missionary.
Am I the only person having marital sex? Geez...I should get an award.
I'm all about communication. You have to be comfortable talking about sex, or it will get boring. Trying new stuff is the only way to keep it alive for years to come - and I've been married 14 years, with only a few complaints. When I VOICED the complaints, problems were solved.
It's possible he may want to do other things, but is worried about talking to her about them - that she might think he is dirty and nasty and well, a normal guy! Everything is a-okay in the bedroom, as long as everyone involved agrees to it, and no one gets hurt that doesn't WANT to get hurt.
Seems to early in the relationship to panic - and if they don't have kids, then she can always bail.
Many years ago I did graduate work at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. One would think that I could give Jamie some helpful advice. However, I remember that the sex in my own 30-year marriage was shitty, so I’ll not bother. Pass the vodka.
Couldn't she ask him to stick her toe up her a$$, for starters? They could move past the toe in Round 2.
I dunno. I'm married, and the sex is the best of my life. Couldn't imagine any better.
Gloating now. Must go.
All these married people are not having sex? That's just wrong people!
Maybe get him out of the house. It's kind of hard to be traditional in an elevator. Though maybe avoid the car, that's too easy for him.
She must train him. If he's not doing what she wants, she needs to cut him off.
If Paul won't give her what she wants, why should she do what he wants?
BTW, I absolutely love the idea of you in boys tighty whiteys, hugging your friend, and her toe in your ass.
Mmmmmmmmmmm. :)
Mist, you're one of the absolute funniest people out there. Thanks for making me laugh over and over!
Oh ... and when I read this:
I wanted to sift through my paints
for a moment I thought it said "panties". That made me smile even more.
Dear New Blogger,
Thanks for making me upgrade. I hate you.
I'm sorry y'all. I don't know who's who.
Damn, Blogger messed up my comments when I switched over too.
Let me just say that I am married and the sex is just fine. Married or not, you gotta work at it if you're going to stick with one partner.
She needs to get her act together and speak up. It won't be any better with any other man if she doesn't know how to say what she wants and she'll be doomed to repeat the same problem over and over.
sqt,
What did you do to fix your comments? Why do you show up and very few other people do?
Am distraught.
Liz promotes female assertion:
There really is the possibility that he doesn't know Jamie wants something more. She should decide what's she's into: The Cleveland Steamer? No... that's just gross. The clam bake? The pearl necklace? The Knob Hob? She must define what she would like and then follow Nike's advice: Just do it. He's either in or... well, he's either in or he's out.
liz,
Did you just say Cleaveland Steamer?
I have no idea why it looks like you have so many anonymous comments (even though I know they really AREN'T anon)...weird.
i have no idea why, the thought of myself wearing tighty whities creeps the hell out of me. obviously, I need therapy.
-webmiztris
1
Maybe she should just try an open marriage for a while. she started with you already.
miztris,
I was hoping that you could make everthing all better, like you did before.
I don't feel sexy in my tighty whiteys, I just feel myself through that little hole.
0,
We're not that open. We just had a little innocent toe play.
Jebus you have a lot of Anon readers!
Anyhoo, I suggest the saving grace of all relationships- PORN. And lots of it.
steph,
I don't have anon readers, I have a New Blogger account.
Porn has always worked for me.
I have a question: Didn't Jaime's husband wonder where she was all night?
pissy,
There was a lot of explaining to do.
Marriage is still the best bet for men and women over forty who want to get laid on a semi regular basis. That’s why it was invented.
furious,
I thought prostitution was for that.
Mist
Now that you've switched over, all comments made from this point on will show the authors.
When I switched over, a bunch of my old comments showed up as anonymous even though they originally showed the author's name. But once the switch was made, all comments written after that showed the author just like usual. It'll be ok, I promise.
I don't think I've ever had sex sober, so I can't suggest anything, especially since I'm also not married.
If they are daring enough, suggest amyl-nitrate. Available at any nearby porn-shop.
sqt,
I'm slowing recovering from the shock. Thanks.
orhan,
Sober sex? I only have that with myself, and even then, I still prefer a glass of wine or two first.
if you ever get bored of same stuff in sex like i did u should visit this blog!
as usual, I must be a true simpleton, as once again I would suggest she get straight to the point. "Honey, you're going to lie back on your back, shut up, and like it. And when i put it somewhere else, you're gonna like that too. So unless you're screaming in ecstasy, I don't expect to hear another word out of your !@#$%^ mouth for the next half hour."
Word games take too much time. Tell it like it is.
Jeez, if it's not good now, it never will be! Well, not unless she opens up and has a serious little chat with MP. That's really the only thing that'll help.
This post makes me want to go get a pack of tighties, though I'm doubtful that they'll do anything for my husband.
-velvet
Porn. They should watch porn together. But what do I know. I'm married and haven't had sex in 8 months.
michael,
I love word problems. If a train traveling west left St. Louis at a rate of speed...
velvet,
Get the tighties.
k,
I can't be quiet about good sex. All the neighbors know.
kevin,
So, how's the wife like the porn?
i went through something similar a few years back, a few drinks and a conversation (this part is important) outside the bedroom cleared things up. it's not exactly porn star sex every time and the missionary does stop by every now and again but it is much better.
Judging by the mannequin, I'd say your BVDs were made in China.
When I dated my ex-husband he was okay with getting kinky. But once we got married he did not want to hear me say things like "fuck me" or do anything different. He wanted a 50's wife and 90's girlfriend. I could not deal with the duplicity of his demands. I can role play naughty in bed but not poodle skirt petting.
heather,
Surely conversation can't be more important that drinks.
romerican,
Everything is made in China.
c,
I am multi-generational. Meaning, I date men of all ages.
hi mist,
i just stumbled across your blog and had to write to tell you that i love your writing. it's very natural and funny as hell. i wish i could wear little boy underwear but when i tried, i felt like a sumo wrestler (probably looked like one, too). but it's definitely HOT.
i'll have to keep checking back. you must be a hoot in person!
lisa
(yet another deep south failed southern lady)
psycho,
I feel like a sumo wrestler when I wear diapers.
Thanks for coming by.
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