To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Written Warning

On one of the coldest nights of the year here in the Dirty South, I decided that I wanted a Dairy Queen. It was a moment where I wished that I was in love. I would have faked a sudden pregnancy and demanded that He venture out into the cold to bring me back a Key Lime Pie Blizzard.

Instead, I put on my yoga pants and headed out into the cold.

Dairy Queen closes for the winter in Minneapolis, where I grew up. From August to late June, there is no soft serve ice cream because the weather is too cold. Now that I live in the South, I can leave the house in my yoga pants for ice cream whenever I please.

I live within minutes from my local soft serve ice cream establishment. I bundled up and set out on my quest for ice cream. I was surprised to see that several other women were waiting in line when I got there. Apparently, I live in a community where women must get their own ice cream in the middle of the night.

I ordered my Key Lime Pie Blizzard and headed home to eat it in private. I don't like people to see me like that; no mascara and two pounds of ice cream.

I drive a manual transmission. Driving and using a spoon is difficult, but managable. I thought. A block from home, I was pulled over.

When I saw the blue lights flashing behind me, I checked my seatbelt and my lip gloss. I pulled over and scrambled through my purse for my ID. I pulled out anything questionable and waited for the tap on my window.

The officer let me know that I had been driving without my headlights on. I am one of those people who drives with my headlights on during the day. People flash their lights at me and shout, "your lights are on!" out of their windows in a friendly neighborly sort of way. Sometimes, they shout other things in a not so friendly neighborhood way, but I ignore them.

"How old are you?" the officer asked. I told him and I motioned to my ID for comfirmation. "I thought you were 16. Sometimes, inexperienced drivers forget to turn their lights on," he said. I assured him, licking my ice cream, that I was very, very experienced. Suddenly, I knew that there would be no ticket that night. I batted my eyelashes and told him that he was my new best friend. I coyly licked ice cream off my little red Dairy Queen spoon.

We chatted for a bit. I asked him to look at my headlights and tell me if they were both functioning correctly. I asked him to step around to the back and do the same. Sometimes, I explained, it is sooooo hard to see what is going on behind me and I can use a second opinion. He played along. I batted my eyelashes and waited to get my license back.

He let me go with a written warning. I took down his badge number and said something about since I wouldn't be seeing him in court, maybe I could him later.

I went home feeling victorious. I called a friend to brag about the powers of womanly charm and licking ice cream off a spoon. "Mist," he said, "everyone gets a written warning for that."

I can't believe that I got swindled out of my ice cream.

The local Police Department will be hearing from my lawyer.

Mist 1


At 8:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG Key Lime Pie Blizzards are to die for!!! Here in Canada they came out with it as a limited special....the special is over now....**pout**...

....hhhhmmmm I wonder...ya think there is a way to mail one?? On 2nd thought.....nawwwww key lime pie blizzard soup sounds a tad nasty!!!

At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't think that he's coming over for some more ice cream?

At 9:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I'm still trying to get over the fact that DQ has a Key Lime Blizzard. Many an enemy has defeated me with the tart yet sweet taste of a key lime dessert...

At 9:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, you never said whether he was hot or not. Would you want him to, ahem, check out your headlights in different circumstances?

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

That was one hell of an adventure to get soft serve! Damn! Now I want one, too—in a cone, no cup for me. It’s more fun trying to hold the cone while I drive (with my lights on).

At 9:56 PM, Anonymous swamp said...

What a Crime...Swindled out of your ice cream. I love the way you had him checking out all the functioning parts of your car...should've ask him if he did windows.

At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

didja get a good look at the size of his gun?

these things count ya know. Don't want a man in uniform who's trigger happy.

At 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You, honey, are the Dairy Queen.

At 10:41 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Don't believe your friend - that policeman was SOOOOOOO into you. You must have been sending off some major feminine vibes.

At 11:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Red spoon... No way would he have given you a ticket even if his life had depended on it!

At 11:37 PM, Anonymous Neil said...

Ha Ha, you fought the law, and the law won!

At 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist your my hero! not only for your work on the local law enforcement, but also because you can drive a manual while eating.
I am one of the worlds most nervouse drivers and cant eat while driving.
people find this funny as Iv been driving race cars since I was 16 and I always have to explain that racing is defferent in that there are only two cars on the trac and you go in straight line.

snaps for Mist

At 12:01 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

He took your ice cream? Your Key Lime Pie Blizzard DQ?
Oh, no, no, no, Mist. You've got it backward. He is supposed to give YOU ice cream.

You should sue for damage to your reputation.

At 2:14 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I find it's more effective when you don't use a spoon - gotta put your tongue straight in to the icecream and swirl it around a bit. It makes them think you have unspeakable talents!

At 2:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A total waste of a lick...damn!

At 3:58 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

That is so weird. CB just got pulled over for the same thing.

At 4:21 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

What no date? You're slipping Mist. Better get some new lip gloss.

At 4:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a word for that sort of behaviour; 'girling'. It's an art I practise daily and life just goes on getting smoother.

And hey, you got to share the ice cream with a man - more Haagen Dazs ad than Bridget Jones opening sequence. I'd call that a result.


At 4:48 AM, Anonymous Rhea said...

I just can't get over that your ice cream stands are open year-round. I gotta move South.

At 4:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, you may have gotten screwed out of an icecream, but if that one ever pulls you over again, you might have made points towards getting off a real ticket. Especially if you call and show and interest. Cops have really good inside stuff if you're their buddy.
Get him on a ride along and he might take you some places that would even satisfy your tastes, hon.

At 5:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once got banned from a chat room for describing how I eat an ice cream cone ;) Oh wait.. maybe it WASN'T an ice cream cone.

At 5:36 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Whenever I try that shit, I always get arrested.

At 5:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get out of a ticket.

Once when I was pulled over I got out of the car first and went over to the cop still in his car and asked him to roll down his window. I said I knew that I was speeding and could he please forgive me this once because I had a screaming baby in the back seat that needed to get home and put to bed.

Who's in control Mr. Cop? Hehehe

He let me go.

At 6:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny.... why is it that never works the other way around? If I get pulled over by a female officer, I have learned that it's better to just be very quiet with my hands hanging out the window. Every time I open my mouth, even to be sexy - it costs me another 50 dollars. I think I just realized what the problem was.....

At 6:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That happened to me once, only the officer waited until after I swallowed to tell me that they don't issue tickes for such minor offenses.

At 6:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Experienced indeed. Sometimes I wonder if you even know how to have sex. Gawd.

At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bet you also thought Geico was giving you special treatment with their ridiculously low insurance rates.

At 7:20 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I think you should have played the crazy lady card instead of the man eater card. Like smash your ice cream on your forehead and then start picking your nose. That's hot too in a different way.

At 7:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men have to get you stuff when they think that they knocked you up? Hmmm...I wonder where I put that pillow

At 7:30 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Now I want soft serve ice cream.

I wonder how one gets soft serve ice cream in Iowa. In January.

At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like it when the handcuff me..

At 8:21 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

German chocolate blizzard!


At 8:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn. You have to be the only woman I know who could get a policeman to mistake you for a teenager and check your headlights while wearing yoga pants.

Can I have some Mist-essence bottled up and sent out to CA?

At 8:39 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

One of my students called me to tell me he was gonna be late getting to class. I asked him why but he said...hang on the officer is coming back...and then I heard the whole conversation as the officer wrote him a speeding ticket. I was trying not to make too much sound as I laughed.


At 8:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I want ice cream. And the closest one is 1/2 hour away...dammit.

At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never heard of seasonal ice cream. Ice cream in the winter is the best kind of ice cream. My other question: does the Minn. DQ not sell burgers and chicken fingers? Why close the whole place down?

This post was steamy, btw.

At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least he thought you were 16...
Nothing wrong with that..

At 9:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe he didn't like ice cream....

At 9:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Maybe on dry ice. Do you all have a postal service in Canada?


I'll keep the lights on for him.


I am not a tart.


If he caught me robbing a bank, yes, I would do him.


I knew it was a bad plan when I left the house.


I never think to look at my headlights when I'm out of the car and I can't do it when I'm in the car.


Which gun are you talking about? Because 9mm could be really big or really small.


I'm not the Dairy Queen. I did want to be Princess Kay of the Milky Way at the State Fair once.


I am always sending off those vibes. It's my perfume.


What is it with the red spoon?


That would be a great song.


I can't drive an automatic. I get distracted. Shifting helps my concentration.


My reputation hurts.


What do you have against spoons and why are you named after one?

odat, ticket and no points on my license.


Key Lime Pie Blizzard, really?


You're right. I might even pick up a pair of shoes.


I am adding "girling" to my resume.


I know. I call home and brag about it all the time.


I'm trying not to take any more rides in police cars.


I expect to see the description on your blog.


Maybe you should try a different flavor Blizzard.


Did you really have a screaming baby in the car? If so, was it yours?


It works for chicks because we have vaginas. They are magical.


Have I told you lately how much I like you?


Geico won't cover me. And yes, I suck in bed.


I don't like stuff under my fingernails. I prefer not to pick my nose. Usually.


Print some ultrasound photos. Show him.


There is no soft serve in Iowa in January.


Me too.


Did you know that the Mister Misty is now called an Arctic Blast? It's true.


According to USPS regulations, you cannot ship Mist-essence. Nor can you bring it on a plane.


That's pretty funny. At least it was a believable excuse.


It makes me happy to see how many people want ice cream now.


You don't have seasons, that's why you've never heard of seasonal ice cream.

I don't even remember what I wrote. Glad it turned you on.


I was pleased with that too.


He sure acted like he liked my ice cream.

At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You didn't have ice-cream drips on your chin did you? And a bit hanging off your hair?

I only ask cause that's what would happen to me if I tried to use sex appeal to get out of anything.

At 10:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That's pretty hot.

At 10:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your friend is lying. That was a definite ticket! Strip search maybe. You did good.

At 10:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well mist honey when i got stopped he just said "ma'm, would you please get your tits off the gas pedal roll them back up? and no, that's no excuse for speedng." next time i'm getting ice cream! thanks! bee

At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bastard. Maybe he was gay. Key Lime Blizzards do it for me everytime.

At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bastard. Maybe he was gay. Key Lime Blizzards do it for me everytime.

At 10:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


My feet hardly reach the gas pedal. I would have to lie down on the floor of my car to put my tits on the gas.


KLP Blizzards make you gay?

At 10:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


You mean I missed out on a strip search? Damn.

At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Hey, at least you got the badge number. You still owe him one anyway Mist.

At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are a true charmer-2nd priority-checking your lip gloss. If I could only have been so lucky in my many pull overs of days gone by. You women have so many advantages!

At 11:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I thought giving him the ice cream made us even.


I am learning to be a better driver. Check the lip gloss second.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

"I checked my seatbelt and my lip gloss." Sister, we are like two peas in a pod! Glad it worked to your advantage. Oh and being a suck-up helps, too.

At 12:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eating ice cream, checking your lip gloss and seatbelt, and flirting with a policeman--all at the same time.

You really ARE wonder woman. But you should've asked him what he thought of the ice cream. After he tasted it off your lips, of course.

At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg too funny on multiple levels! great post! thanks for the chuckle!

At 12:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha Ha - my Dairy Queen closes for the winter and it sucks. Course, there's always the mobile station for those late night must haves, like slim jims and dr. pepper :)

Oh, and we have those same kinds of cops around here too - its fun to toy with them, isn't it?

(four freakin letters in the word verification and I fuck it up....geez)

At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! My first time being pulled over, I was so scared, I cried and the guy fumbled all over the place. The second time, he kept looking at my legs because I was wearing a short skirt. The third time, i was a mom with a screaming baby and he was like "go! go! But slow down! But get that baby home!!! GOOOO!"

Still, no ticket.

I like your story better though.

At 1:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I didn't suck anything up. No, seriously. I didn't.


Will file that one away for tonight's fantasy.


I am always good for a chuckle.

Thanks for coming by.


There are like six cops in my zone. They have all pulled me over. I like to think that I give them something to talk about.

At 1:39 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

mad batting and licking...*ears shooting steam*...

At 1:45 PM, Blogger Reba said...

How ironic. I had a craving for ice cream last night too. I was lucky though cause my mom brought me some.

At 2:28 PM, Blogger Thomas said...

"From August to late June, there is no soft serve ice cream because the weather is too cold."

Liar, liar, your pants are on fire! Dairy Queen closes in October and then reopens in early March up here in MN.

At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like to think it was because ou batted your lashes.

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Greg said...

Yes-- on the Dairy Queen part, that is. I just found out that there's a Dairy Queen like ten blocks from where I live!! I didn't even think they had Dairy Queens in the South! Hooray for me!

At 3:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

good thing you've sworn off the purple mascara or the batting eyelashes routine might not have gone your way...

At 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

good thing you've sworn off the purple mascara or the batting eyelashes routine might not have gone so smoothly...

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Next time, wear your yogurt pants and you won't have to give up the Blizzard because then you will be the Dairy Queen.

All right, it's time for the 'chick's medication. Sorry we let her near the computer. ~The Orderlies

At 3:58 PM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

I love Dairy Queen. Here in Texas, every corner has either a church or a Dairy Queen... I'm waiting for them to cut out the middle man and just put both together. :P

At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have only gotten out of one ticket in my life and that was for pleading ignorance to the speed limit when pulled over by a female sheriff deputy. I charmed her, it's hard not to...

At 4:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I write these things to make you jealous. I love it when that little vein in your head bulges.


Please send your mom over here with wine. I'm in the mood for wine tonight.


You must live in southern MN.


I'm pretty sure it was because of my headlights.


I love people who say "hooray for me!" We should all be so happy with ourselves.


You don't think that I could pull it off?


I'm gonna bust you outta there.


Genius. Like and Starbucks. Meant to be together.


Every time that I type your name, I accidentally type brain. Is it okay if I call you brain?

At 4:43 PM, Blogger melanie said...

so you gonna settle for a few months worth of key lime blizzards? or the cops phone number?

i would go with the ice cream. delivered.

At 5:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


His phone number could be really handy. I find myself in all kinds of predicaments.

At 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, I'm sure the seductively licking didn't HURT. hey, why's your friend trying to kill your buzz anyway? ;)

At 5:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Everyone is always trying to kill my buzz. They don't want me to have any fun. Or ice cream.

At 6:20 PM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

Don't you just hate it when a cop refuses to be wooed? Too bad it wasn't my ex who stopped you. I'm sure you could have had him.

(But I'm not bitter)

At 7:17 PM, Blogger dc² said...

Batting eyelashes at a police officer with no mascara on...that is so wrong! ;-)

At 7:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait. You were swindled out of your ice cream? Did he take some? Bastard!

The only time I've been pulled over, and the only time the cops came after me and interrupted a party to yell at me, I didn't have boobs yet. Or any kind of charm. I'm pretty sure I still had braces.

Sometimes I wish they would pull me over just so I could see how much I could get away with. But then if they wrote me a ticket anyway, it would've have been worth the experiment at all because then I'd be out a few hundred bucks. I'll always be wondering...

At 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look at the bright side. Maybe he'll pull you over some other time for a ticket and remember your oral skills. Whole episode could still pay off!

WV: boozeku

At 8:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here in Sillinois it seems to be up to the store owners. We have 2 DQ's in the area. One stays open for winter,the other doesn't.

Fortunately, for my belt size, the one that doesn't isn't the one near me.

I'm bettin' money that if you'd been a guy, that red spoon wouldn't have gotten you out of the ticket.
(Damn, there just ain't no justice....)

At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Imagine if you'd purchased a dilly bar that night. And worn gauchos.

Whole different story.

At 9:23 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

/On Homer Simpson voice/

mmmm grrahhahhh Key Lime Blizzard

Holy shitake I gotta go to my Dairy Queen tomorry and check this out! (Mine is 2 blocks away) fortunately I rarely crave soft serve, or ice cream

At 10:37 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


What's your exes badge number?


How do you make that little 2?

Thanks for coming by.


You can make your dream a reality. Just speed. Wear lip gloss.


It already cost me like $3.


The red spoon is magical.


It's way to cold for gauchos.


I am generally an Arctic Blast kind of girl, but the cold weather got to me.

At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, now I'm craving Dairy Queen and can't have any because all of ours are closed for the season. Rats!

At 5:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


When it opens, try the Key Lime Pie Blizzard.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.


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