To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Domestic Self-Violence


I cannot leave the house until my latest injury heals.

I have a mirror outside of my bedroom door. I keep it there so that I can see myself in the morning on my way to the bathroom. I think it's important to start my day with laughter. As I look like the love child of Don King and Scary Spice in the morning, I am always starting my day with laughter. Or in terror.

It is a wonder that I have not yet killed myself with this mirror. It is six feet tall and very heavy. It was eight feet tall, but since I am short, I cut off two feet with a saw. The edge is sharp and unfinished. One day, it will probably fall over on me and cut me neatly in two.

I did not hurt myself on the mirror. I was admiring my shoes when I bent down to rub a smudge off the toe. My eye socket connected directly with the plunger sitting in the hall. The resulting black eye makes me look like I am in a really bad relationship.

I would like to explain why I have a plunger in the hall, sitting next to my mirror. You see, my step ladder is in my closet so that I can reach the shoes on the top shelf. When the light bulb in the hallway burned out, I had an option. Move the heavy ladder, or find another ingenious way to change the light bulb. Naturally, the plunger came to mind.

The plan was simple. I would use the plunger as an extension of my arm. It would effortlessly suction around the light bulb and I would easily replace it with a really expensive, yet energy efficient bulb that I bought at Home Depot. In theory, it was a good plan.

Of course, it didn't work. Of course, I didn't put the plunger away. Now I have this black eye.

If I do leave the house, I plan on telling people that I fell. They will tell me that there are places that I can go for help.

Mist 1

PS: If you haven't read my interview at Slick's place, please follow this link.


78 Comments:

At 9:48 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Awesome interview, truly. Conrgatulations and well done. You deserve the publicity/attention ;)

As for the Don King meets Scary Spice look, I can't help. So very sorry :(

 
At 10:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once I slipped on some ice while I was running and a co-worker told me that I could so totally hook-up with the abusive guys, because it was obvious I could take a punch. Mostly, I just got a lot of sympathetic looks from strangers.

 
At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow Mist, that sucks!!!
Ok, it was the easiest plunger joke I could think of...you need to be more careful, it sounds like. If you go three days without posting to your blog, we'll send someone in after you...

 
At 11:42 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

You should cut the handle shorter so that the next time you bend over you wont black your eye again. Sure you could just move the plunger but I think cutting the handle off seems easier.

 
At 11:47 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Loved your interview - sassy as always. I've heard raw steak is good on black eyes...either that or frozen peas.

 
At 12:12 AM, Blogger Girl, Dislocated said...

It is such a damn pain in the butt when you can't leave the house because you've given yourself a black eye. I once made the mistake of going to work with a black eye I got from kneeing myself in the eye while trying to put my sock on. I can tell you from experience: they will tell you about places you can go for help, even with such an original explanation like "I fell." :P

 
At 12:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, but I had to laugh - just wear your sunglasses and everyone will say how LA you look!

 
At 1:31 AM, Blogger Steph said...

I used a plunger on my lips once. I wanted to try and invent a cheaper form of Collagen.

 
At 1:37 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

You cut off the mirror with a saw? Are you kidding me? You cut off "glass" with a saw? Please tell me I'm misunderstanding something here. That is was the frame around the mirror.
You tried to change a light bulb with a plunger? The mother instinct comes out in me and I feel the need to come over and remove the dangerous objects from you house. Although, I never really considered a plunger to be a dangerous object until I 'met' you.
When people ask why you have a black eye, I think you just need to tell then the truth. They'll be the ones who seek the help.
Now, I'm going to Slick's place.
And to answer your question here, I have no idea why there is never a tag on those gowns. Next time, I'm taking a black magic marker and "labeling" all them myself.

 
At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh dear, hope it heals soon.

E burned his wrist on the oven once and the doc tried to give him anti depressents. He insisted he was fine cos it was an accidental burn. The doc took me aside and said "look I know you want to protect him but he can go on hurting himself"...some people just don't get it...

 
At 2:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry bout the back eye hun, and I understand why you opted for a different story to answere the hundreds of questioning looks your gonna get.
can you imagine regurgitating that storie 20 times a day

 
At 3:53 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Perhaps it's time we put you in a home...

 
At 4:25 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

My hair looks like Don King's this morning.

 
At 5:00 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

I was going to ask you to come over and help me change some lightbulbs....but on second thought....

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

orhan,

No one can help. I look okay the rest of the day. It's just mornings that are bad.

churlita,

Why were you running on ice?

michael,

If you send someone in after me, warn them about the mirror and plunger.

bice,

Cutting the handle would be easier, but then I will have to lower my ceilings.

karmyn,

Actually, I did put a pack of frozen peas on my arm. I knew they weould come in handy.

girl,

I have done the eye/knee thing too.

Thanks for coming by.

heather,

I might get a boob job to go with my sunglasses.

steph,

You never go plunger to mouth.

swamp,

I have a lot of tools that I have no idea what to do with. I make up uses as I see fit. Lots of people are afraid for my safety.

shadow,

You mean my doctor might give me drugs for this?

junkie,

I can't regurgitate 20 times a day. It's really bad for your teeth.

fab,

Do you know how competitive the dating market is in a home? I'm not ready.

av,

Did you laugh or scream when you saw it?

nattie,

I'm also really helpful if you need anything painted or lit on fire.

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Laugh. Always laugh.

 
At 5:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know there is some kind of joke here playing off alternate meanings of "screw", but it's too early.

 
At 5:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome plunger story. How can benign objects and events coalesce (sp) into such bizarre mishaps? sometimes you gotta wonder if there is some twisted Karma thing that conspires to administer freaky justice. I am off to read your interview now. c-ya

 
At 5:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I try to wake up alone. I'm never sure what the reaction will be.

kelley,

It's never too early to screw.

wreck,

I bet this sort of thing happens to plumbers all the time.

 
At 5:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh well then, i thought you were going in a whole different place with that plunger young lady! whew...

now a few things you may want to know, if you DO get the boob job, don't run, you can give yourself a black eye like that too. next, charlie has only two tools, a plastic butter knife and a chain saw. if he can't fix it with one, the other usually will work. so you may want to lose the plunger all together. except that idea of using the plunger on lips sounds interesting, you may just want to move it into the "health and beauty" drawer, just in case. i get so many good ideas in here, in your comments room. sigh.... try not to get into too much trouble today, okay? bee

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

bee,

What kind of trouble could I get into today? I'm waiting for a furniture delivery. Nothing could go wrong here.

 
At 6:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you also have a sidekick by the name of Cousin Balky? It seems your plans are always going awry!

 
At 6:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist,

You are like all three stooges rolled into one. And from personal experience, I can say that there is no way for fake boobs to give you a black eye while running. Dem babies don't bounce like that. It's more like a shiver.

 
At 6:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You wear shoes to bed?

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I thought about using a plunger on my penis, but I'm afraid it wouldn't work but I might enjoy it, and then I'd just be a pervert with a small cock. And really, that wouldn't be much of a change, so what's the point.

 
At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

You could just tell people you had a shoe mishap. :P

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

GIRLIE. Why couldn't I find a link to your f-ing blog. I almost had to beat a bitch down to get here...anyways I'm linking you so it won't happen again.

Stop having eye sex with plungers, umkay?

 
At 7:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Plungers are dangerous beasts. And they make a highly distasteful sucking sound.

Affixing them to your eye is dangerous. I'd like to takes this opportunity to tell all the kids out there not to do it.

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

if you were taller or if you had listened to the plunger you wouldn't have been bitch-plunged. wow, that's a really horrible sounding made up word.

 
At 7:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1 you never cease to amaze me with your stories...plunged in the eye...only you would do such a thing..teheheheh...smiling again..

 
At 7:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist I know you...It's alright that you got in that fight while participating in that BDSM orgy/ballet/ at that biker chick lesbian all night karaoke bar. People will totally understand...

 
At 7:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you have a tallish neighbor who could have changed the lightbulb for you? You're the infamous Mist, for God's sake. Men of all sizes should be sleeping outside on your patio waiting for chances like this.

 
At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If people think you're being beaten by a man, they will express sympathy. If they know you headbutted a plunger, they will pity you.

Practise looking fearful and vulnerable in the mirror would be my advice. Flinching optional.

Puss

 
At 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you tried to cut a mirror with a saw???

Sounds like trouble right there....

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Good idea to have a logical explanation about the eye because if you had to go into the full story, you may as well just do a "print screen" of this posting. That's one funny story!

 
At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist1, don't leave the house. This is the perfect time to start that hermit lifestyle.

The sun is over rated, and pizza hut delivers.

 
At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

You can also cover it very badly with very cakey make-up.

 
At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg, this reminds of when I used to keep the plunger right next to the toilet. one day, I misjudged and almost sat down on the toilet a little to the left...the plunger handle almost went right up my asshole. now I keep it a safe distance away.

 
At 9:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg, this reminds of when I used to keep the plunger right next to the toilet. one day, I misjudged and almost sat down on the toilet a little to the left...the plunger handle almost went right up my asshole. now I keep it a safe distance away.

 
At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Claim you were mugged and someone stole your favorite pair of shoes. Use this story around a male with money, quiver your lower lip as if you just might not make it if someone doesn't replace those shoes.

What good is an injury if you don't exploit it?

 
At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good God Girl, you are an accident waiting to happen....its one of those kind of stories where truth is far more unbeleivable than makie up a lie.

 
At 9:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so a few years ago i fell down the stairs in my apartment building and totally messed up my knee. we're talking blood, gore, ripped stockings... i like to say i fell not because of my own clumsiness, but because my husband pushed me. and he did. mentally. because he was teasing me about something i was wearing and i turned around to give him grief and wham! fell down five stairs. and it hurt. so i made loud noises. and this lady came to the door and looked at me, and looked at him, and i could see what she was thinking. she didn't tell me where i could go for help (we're Canadian... we're too polite to get all up in other people's business)... but she was thinkin' it.

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, the plunger would have been my first thought to change a light bulb...

 
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you don a tube top and curlers to complete the ensemble?

 
At 11:26 AM, Anonymous twila said...

Can I just say that after being able to read your rantings for about three hours straight, this once a day shiat is NOT enough...:( It's my fault for binging...I should have savored the flavor...

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Scary Spice. I forgot about her. Actually, she wasn't that scary.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Ohh, poor Mist. Shoe rescue I understand. Plunger rescue, not so much.

Your black eye will probably bring out the delivery guys' protective instincts, and they'll set everything up for you. And change the light bulb, too.

Feel better and try to be careful, ok?

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Ouch, I hope the eye feels better soon, Mist.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

You should cut the handle shorter

Just make sure that you don't end up with a pointy top.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger dc¬≤ said...

And here I thought running with scissors was dangerous.

Btw, I have a little shop out back where I produce my "little 2".
The number 2 exponent can be found on your Character Map. I use it
because my two last names just happen to be exactly the same; no, my
parents weren't related. ;-)

 
At 12:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was 16 my dad thought it would be funny to put a pillow over my face and sit on it. In a panic I and elbowed him in the eye. He got a huge bruise. He tried to tell everyone his daughter did it but they didn't believe him. After that he was always teased about getting beat up by his wife.

 
At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I was going to all up and comment on your plunged eye, but I got distracted by your interview. You described so WELL how I act at parties...and yet I LOVELOVELOVE them...and somehow I'm all embarrassed. I actually throw parties out of town, so as to lessen the effects of my antics on local townfolk.

Sure hope your eye gets better! The voyeur in me wants photos as the color of it changes from red, to blue, to purple, to that sickish yellow-green it gets, right before it goes away.

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm an idiot. I was running and it was winter in Iowa, so it was icy. It was that black ice that's really hard to see, too. Sometimes I am just plain D-u-m-b.

 
At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Has the plunger been telling people you fell down the stairs?

 
At 2:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Introduce yourself to people as "Luka."

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Funny, I did run into my cousin today.

lee,

I would have to cut off my boob to get it anywhere near my face.

tug,

Only if you ask really nicely.

nwjr,

I have to get you drunk just once.

kristyn,

I've had many shoe mishaps, but never on my face.

stilt,

But he said that he loved me.

winters,

I feel lucky that it wasn't the other side of the plunger. It could have sucked my eye out.

furious,

I've been b*tch plunged before, just never in the eye.

tellin',

I am a hazard to myself.

dallas,

Is that anything like ASAP or ESPN?

fringes,

I wanted to feel liberated.

puss,

I'll take sympathy or pity. Either one is fine with me.

trish,

I am handy with a saw.

cruiser,

Maybe I should just print this and distribute it.

gyuss,

Pizza Hut should change their name to Pizza Depot.

britt,

Cake does sound good right now.

miztris,

That's why I keep my lube in the bathroom.

susan,

You should see my lip quiver. Is legendary.

meg,

I'm just hoping that no one will ask.

hube,

I'm lucky that I don't wear stockings.

rach,

See? It makes sense.

ctw,

Why didn't I think of that?

twila,

You have to pace yourself with me.

lbb,

She wasn't, but her kid (not the one with Eddie Murphy) with Don King is.

hearts,

The shoes survived.

michelle,

Wish me luck finding sunglasses.

jack,

Ouch.

dc,

My parents aren't related either. They also claim that I'm not related to them

lux,

My dad tried to smother me with a pillow too.

tigger,

I forgot about the yellow and green phase. Goodie.

churlita,

You're an idiot too? Don't worry, you're in good company.

bird,

I gotta keep my other eye on that plunger.

kevin,

Just don't ask me what it was...

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

NWJR just made me bust OUT a laugh...

Mist: Evertime I get my nails did? I Stab myself in the eye with the super sharp corners that are suddenly there... I am incredibly pretty.

 
At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The plunger is vastly underrated. Without it there would be a lot of unhappy people in the world. Long live the plunger.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

scotts,

NWJR makes me have outbursts nearly every day. I need a pedi.

shife,

Eye am strongly anti-plunger.

 
At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fred Flintstone used a nice raw dino steak on his eye... good luck.

 
At 5:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch!

I've never had a black eye, but just typing that will put me on the kharmic roster for one. Gee, how does one accessorize for a black eye? I've got to plan ahead.

-velvet

 
At 5:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I automatically assumed that the mirror was for other more "bedroomly" purposes.

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

tsduff,

Where does one get a dino steak?

velvet,

I think a split lip looks good with a black eye.

brian,

Not the one on the ceiling.

 
At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mine for the weekend was the wrenched back. Ice fell, followed by snow. Didn't want my bride to slip if she went out. So, I slipped. Strained my back and spent the weekend on my back. Bride went and got me pain meds. Came back and said, "I wasn't planning to go anywhere until you hurt yourself. Good thing you shoveled. I might have slipped."

 
At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice interview!! What, no pictures? Not even of some shoes??

 
At 6:21 PM, Blogger Buttercup said...

Oh no! I hope your eye gets better quick. I once walked into a broken pipe sticking out of a slab of concrete and gouged out a 2-inch chunk from my left shin. It was sitting there in plain sight, but I didn't see it...

 
At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You will definitely get pamphlets.

 
At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where I work, we would just slip the number of the nearest abuse center to you. The plunger is a likely story!

 
At 7:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'd say bar-brawl. and then look mean.

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

buttercup,

That makes me cringe in pain. It also, for some reason, makes me think that I should schedule a leg waxing...just in case.

lex,

I just fell. That's it. Seriously.

olives,

It was nothing. I made the plunger do it.

jennifer,

I don't have bar brawl shoes. Maybe I should buy some.

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Weren't you looking for another excuse to stay home?

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

lol...I can do that, Mist...here is wishing you lots of luck finding sunglasses, may they be sexy and hide all ~smiles~

Michelle

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

I don't need an excuse to stay home. I need wine delivered.

michelle,

I look like a fly in the pair that I'm wearing.

 
At 7:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh my god! did you call the cops and file a restraining order?

 
At 7:46 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

Well, Mist, according to my all knowing twenty something daughters, those big glasses which hide your eyebrows are so last year. Slim eyewear is in this season and light frames.

In an attempt to placate them I went to the local WallyWorld and purchased a stunning pair of sunglasses. They are made of heavy plastic and extend from the top of my cheek bone to the middle of my forehead. They have rhinestones dotting the ear pieces and the lenses are so dark, you'd have to stand nose to nose with me in order to see my eyes behind them.

I can't wait to go shopping with the girls this weekend ~grinz~.

Michelle

 
At 10:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still remember the first time I was abused by a plunger. They made me show them where the plunger hurt me.

I still get a little queasy in plumbing stores. Don't even ask me about my drain snake story.

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Yvonne said...

I tried to use a plunger to take a dent out of my car once. It didn't work.

That's the end of the story. Sorry about your eye.

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

I know he didn't mean to do it. Sometimes, I just make him so angry.

michelle,

That is what parenthood is all about, I am sure.

anon,

I have a drain snake story too.

yvonne,

We need to go into business together.

 

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Name: Mist1
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