Depression
Usually, I live in a happy place. I daydream about Him, feed the ducks, drink wine, and sometimes, I find $20 in my pocket.It's not that I don't have worries. I worry that my hair will be flat. I worry about what I will blog about tomorrow. I worry that my thong will stick out of the back of my jeans and worse, that no one will notice. Also, I worry about the U. S. dependence on foreign oil and stuff.
I went shopping yesterday. Shoe shopping usually makes me forget all about the weight of the world. The beauty of shoe shopping is that I am built for it. The display shoe is always a size six or 6.5. I whip off my shoe and slip my foot into the display shoe and all is right in the Universe again.
But, it didn't work out that way.
I tried on every shoe. Nothing looked right. I couldn't even hear them calling my name. Silence. Not a single shoe spoke up. I reached for my phone, "Mom," I said, choking back my tears. "I can't find any shoes that I like."
There was a gasp and then a slow, calculated breath. "Oh Honey, you're depressed."
I started to cry right there in the store. The saleslady handed me a stocking and a bronze ballet slipper. I waved her away and blew my nose in the stocking.
Mom told me to get myself to the nearest discount shoe warehouse. She always knows how to comfort me. On the way, I drove past a store called Pumps & More. The sign was like a beacon. I pulled into the parking lot wondering how it's possible that I live six miles from Pumps & More and had never noticed it.
I touched up my mascara and got ready to shop.
I never like to look like I don't know what's going on. In an effort to prove that I was In The Know, I made a hasty purchase. I now own a breast pump. I had the option to rent one, but I recoiled from the mere thought of curdled human cheese curds in the chamber.
It's really uncomfortable, but it makes my calves look great.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:45 AM
89 Comments:
Aw, chin up, kiddo. You've already got the perfect pair to attract Him. Now you just gotta get some shoes.
That is hilarious. When I read the store name the first thing I thought was pumps as shoes...not breast pumps. However, I probably would have said that I was just price checking for my sister who lives in a small town or something like that. I wouldn't have had the nerve to buy one. Props to you for that.
I have penis pump you can borrow.. apparently it is a one size fits all... it ranges from 4 to 13... mmmm 13...
I tried to rig the wife's breast pump so that I could reverse the flow and use it as a paint sprayer. Yeah, it didn't work...
LOL! OMG...every time I think you've written the funniest thing ever, you go and out-do yourself! This was hilarious! I seriously thought pumps as in shoes, but the other kind of pumps threw me off!
So, did it take you long to find the perfect pump? I hear they're really uncomfortable! But hell...if they make your calves look great, then so be it! ;) LOL!
the problem with living in another country is that vocab changes. In Australia 'thong' refers to something you wear on your feet. For a moment, i couldn't figure out why you would put a flipflop down you pants...although i could understand why you would worry about someone seeing it sticking out of your jeans.
OH MY GOD!!!!
That is IT! We have simply GOT to go out drinking sometime! Why the hell don't I know any people like you within driving distance :(
123,
I did manage to find some shoes. They were on sale. It helped.
randomness,
I totally lied. I said that it was for my friend. It was a pretty convincing story.
dallas,
Now I feel insecure about my 6.5.
michael,
What else did you rig it for?
chrissy,
You think you were thrown off? Imagine how I felt. I should have bought two. I'm hobbling around with one great calf.
kris,
What do you call panties? Do you wear them on your hands?
arthur,
Let's get a drink. You'll recognize me by my interesting footwear.
I don't understand how store ties the pumps to an English writer beheaded in the 1500's.
I think this is my favorite post yet. I didn't think they could get any better!
(Flattery will get me everywhere, right?)
it must be a bad week for shoes... but i'm not getting a breast pump to cheer myself up.
next time i'm in the dirty south, i'm stalking you. we must drink.
You could film it and call it "Mammaries of a Geisha"!!
Despite coming home with the wrong sort of pump (is there such a thing?), you probably still had a better day yesterday than I did. You know the problem with dentists? It hurts, and it costs. A lot. Deep clean. Pocket chart. New filling. "That'll be £200 please." That's, like, $400 in your money. Ouch.
Thanks for stopping by at mine. I like what I see here. I'll be back...
If I had any money left to go shoe shopping with, I would be in the same situation. There's a shoe drought on, I tell you.
Dear Mist,
I would've sold you mine at deep discount. I coulda washed it and everything.
best,
lee
It's better that you bought it. Breast pumps, like bowling shoes, should have only one owner.
Not to sound unconcerned about your depression, but...
could you tell me where you got that picture of those delightful black pumps? Please tell me that it was snagged from an online catalogue and I am only one click away from making them mine.
Oh, and, er, I hope you feel better.
I know I'm depressed when the gold ballet shoes don't even work for me.
blitz,
It's a little known fact that Thomas More was a fan of the breast pump. It's my job to keep people informed.
natalie,
Flattery will get you halfway there. Drinks do the rest.
jennifer,
I am mixing a drink in my breast pump now.
spoon,
I love it.
*,
Heed my advice, floss.
Thanks for coming by.
amy,
A shoe drought is a national emergency.
lee,
What color is it? I do need a pair.
chick,
That was my thought.
britt,
Nothing makes my depression worsen than seeing the same shoes on the foot of another woman.
michael,
The song Tiny Dancer is running through my head.
Better to have "Tiny Dancer" running through your head than "Pump up the Jams"
curdled human cheese curds ... I am going to say this randomly throughout today !!! Too Funny
Well, the breast pump took away your depression? See...there is something besides shoes.
No one will really not notice your thongs now....
Only YOU could make depression funny...
Are you going to start selling Mist Breast Milk in stores now?
Get yourself back to the strip club - I'm sure Lactacia would swap if for a pair of six-inch, platform stripper heels.
Puss
my ninnies and my breast pumps
(yes, plural) are not friends. they do not play nice together.
Speaking of the environment, are all of those thongs carbon-neutral?
I thought I told you to take REAL pictures of your shoes.
further evidence that girls are weird and don't poop.
Global Warming causes depression.
I cope by buying a bunch of crap at CVS that I really don't need.
I find some shoe shopping, pedicure and then chocolate afterwards guarantees a lift from the depression. Sometimes I eat chocolate while I'm getting a pedicure with a new pair of shoes next to me to speed up the process.
Ah, DSW. It's where I want my ashes spread after I die.
nwjr,
Now I feel like dancing.
mj,
Expect people to give you funny looks.
slick,
I'm not sure, but I think your comment brought my depression back. No one will notice my thongs? Tragedy.
speed,
My therapist thinks so too. Then she asks for another payment.
av,
I'm going to make Mist cheese.
puss,
I don't wear clear heels.
frannie,
Ninnies! I have to use that term at least once today.
matt,
I dated Carbon once. Also, I think you are developing a shoe fetish. Welcome.
fab,
Thanks. That was awfully generous of you. What's wrong with everyone else? How come they don't slip a $20 in my pocket?
furious,
We don't poop. I'm not weird.
nolff,
CVS makes me happy. I just bought a new lint brush. It doesn't work at all, but still, at least it's mine.
curiosity,
We could hang out. You can have the chocolate. I'm more of a liquor kind of girl.
lux,
I wonder how the management would handle that request.
Hope it is a manual one. All that pumping will be good for your arms.
Feet in pain for fashion...classic move :)
-N
Try being a 9 1/2, 10 Mist1 -- then you'd be clinically depressed. Me love you long time.
Between Growbust and the breast pump, you might be able to skip the penile colonies entirely and go straight to any ol' corporate headquarters. It's where all the strictly visual types hang out.
On another note: Christopher Hitchens was an idiot for not factoring you in.
Oh no!! No shoes were even calling?? that's an emergency situation and calls for intense shopping!
Ok I am making the commercials now.
Mist 1... she's in the dairy aisle, the shoe aisle, the adult novelty section. She's everywhere you want to be.
Pumps and more...
I would've gone with the clitoris pump.
:)
Great post, Mist. I hope you're feeling better. Those shoes in the picture are to-die-for. Are they yours?
Are breast pumps back in style again? I'm glad I saved mine! Now to figure out what stockings to wear with it.
-velvet
OMG--too funny
and frickin HOT shoes to boot!! See--i have this 'thing' for shoes ;-p
at least you didn't come home with a penis pump.
or did you?
Sh*t - now I've got "Tiny Dancer" and "Pump Up the Jam" stuck in my head. Just add "Push It" and I'm ready to jump out in front of a speeding Metro bus.
reba,
Another added benefit.
natalia,
I feel no pain when it comes to fashion.
maiden,
Could I get meds for that?
booda,
I am not cut out for Corporate Headquarters. I can't wear pantyhose, unless they are fishnets. Then, I make an exception. Have Chris call me for my feature in Vanity Fair.
claudia,
You can see why I cried.
wave,
My life has themes.
alicia,
I didn't even know that was an option. Do you think I can return my breast pump.
fringes,
If I had those, I wouldn't be depressed.
velvet,
Do you have peep toe pumps?
turn,
As do I.
miztris,
I'll have to read the manual.
lee,
Sing it with me. C'mon, you know you want to.
Thank you so much for making me laugh like a hyena. A breast pump is the last thing that would have come to mind.
Is curdled human cheese what Cheetos are made of?
If it makes you feel better I will always notice your thong. And that's a guarantee.
Live Hard,
Dagromm
Thanks for the great insight into the mind of a woman. Get some boots Mist, and let them walk!
The pumps do look pretty hot though I must admit.
I had a deep shoe depression once. After surgery my feet were swollen and I couldn't fit them into my regular shoe size. I thought the world was ending. It may as well have.
I rarely realize I'm depressed until I become irrationally emotional about something silly. It has never been shoes, but often it's my hair. Oh, and roadkill. You know you're in a bad way when a flattened squirrel reduces you to tears.
katrice,
I feel like they should call them something else to avoid confusion.
dagromm,
Swearing off Cheetos. Even the spicy ones. Thanks for noticing my thong.
wreck,
I hate to edit the comments of others. But, I'm pretty sure that you meant to say, "Thanks for the insight into the mind of a great woman." Am I right?
jay,
I am so happy that you pulled through.
kelley,
A hat can help my hair, but nothing can be done for those poor little lost flattened squirrel souls.
Really? They're hot for spring - Kurt Geiger's new range is full of them.
Puss
I just hate it when the shoes don't call my name. It's like, um, excuse me, but why did I even come here today? What a waste...
puss,
I'm more fashion forward than I thought.
tammie,
I take it personally.
I'm so jealous that you can wear the friggin' display shoe!!!!
paula,
I get a great discount, but the expense is that lots of other women have put their feet in my shoes.
Good decision I would have tried to rent to own but that is just me
Gah! my head exloded at the end of that post.
www.gothamcityonline.com
That'll cure what ails ya. Wid a quikness
Ew!
Also, I worry about the U. S. dependence on foreign oil and stuff.
Me too! I couldn't sleep a wink last night worrying about that crap. And when I do fall asleep while thinking about these sorts of things, Al Gore usually ends up in my dreams! I just can't win!
scotts,
I am in lust with that link.
av,
Like you don't own a breast pump.
dan,
When Al appears in my dreams, it's usually pretty good. I would totally do him.
Yes, the cheap plastic throw away sandles used to be called thongs. I remember stubbing my toe immediately upon wearing them for the first time every summer. Ah. thongs, shoes, sandles, stubbed toes. Memories. Mammories. Breast pumps are nice too.
Shoe therapy - nothing like it.
love,
How you went from toes to boobs to shoes, I will never know. I guess it's sort of like how I went from depression to shoes to breast pumps.
No - no you didn't. I am sure you did but I just thought if I type this will she see me in her mind's eye doing that hand on hip, attitude stance, with pointed finger, and neck snapping. Oh well it was just a thought.
You should have played dumb and told the salesperson you thought the sign said Jumps and More because you wanted a trampoline, duh! You could have totally pulled that off.
I wore my pointy Via Spigas today and my feet are killing me! Shoes aren't my friend today.
I cried for you.
c,
Yes. Yes, I did. My mind's eye is blind. It has made my other mind senses very sharp.
glazier,
I don't play dumb. I'm really just naturally that way.
claudia,
I'm crying too. My toe is stuck in the pump.
From Growbust to breast pumps... do I detect a theme here?
I wear the display size, too. Why is it that they almost never have a brand new pair in the stockroom and I have to buy the shoes with the used right one?
Shoe shopping is like crack to me. Kudos to you for not breaking down hysterically in the pump shop :P
Do your feet ever swell? Maybe you could use the pump then. Just a thought....
Ok, even if you're depressed, no on else is after reading your blog. You're great!
Shoes always call my name, but they don't fit because of the skinny little planks I got as feet. They're fine length-wise, at an 8 1/2, but at a AAA width nothing wants to stay on. And unfortunately, feet are the only part of the body you can't adjust through plastic surgery. Personally, I think it's just God's plan to keep my from bankrupting myself with Imelda Marcos syndrome.
hearts,
I know, but still...the discount on the display is good.
steph,
I couldn't let them see me cry. I had already done that once.
tug,
I have been playing with many uses of the pump.
kirsten,
Maybe you should borrow my pump and plump up your skinny feet.
love those shoes
can you post a photo of your perfect size feet
you could always become a foot model.
No breast pump - only a penis pump. For purely scientific reasons.
tkk,
I have been known to email photos of my feet upon request.
av,
The things we do in the name of research.
You're on. Whenever I'm down south, I'll call you up and make chocolate martinis.
Discount? You get a discount on the display pair?
That would never happen in San Francisco. I know. I've tried.
Dorks.
That's gross. I don't care how poor I am, I don't care if I'm living in a box and eating bugs. I will never rent something that has pumped milk out of another woman's boobs.
What if the pump liked her better?
1
Had I but known....why didn't you call on the emergency line?
curiosity,
Spare me the chocolate kiss in the bottom of the glass. I get all pukey from that.
hearts,
I am very persuasive.
h & b,
I have the cutest little box over here that I'm looking to sublet. Email me.
0,
I was in despair. I wasn't thinking.
so after i wiped the tears from my eyes and stopped choking on laughter, i sat and contemplated buying myself a breast pump for my calves.
you're such the trend setter.
yasamin,
I am ready for spring. My calves want me to wear a skirt.
mist, with my paddles for feet, i am perpetually depressed.
k,
I used to worship at Our Lady of Perpetual Depression. Now, I attend Our Lady of Poor Decisions.
I like the shoes but I certainly can't wear them. I'm still wondering if I would appear gay if I showed up in leather pants.
Sexy in Milwaukee.
anon,
There is nothing wrong with leather pants.
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