Frugality
I would like to preface this by saying that I didn't have a single piece of candy for Halloween. Not even one. So, I feel justified with what I have just done.Because I am pathetic yet thrifty, I waited until the 15th to buy myself chocolates for Valentine's Day. I was on a mission for chocolates at half price.
I went to every drugstore within a three mile radius of my home. I went to several others that weren't on the way home. At no point did I consider reaching out for help and calling my sponsor. In each store, I bought a box of chocolates. At first, I started with the Whitman's Samplers. But, it was not enough. I needed more. I confess to having consumed boxes of Russel Stover's candies. They are beneath me, but I am weak.
It's hard to buy chocolates the day after Valentine's Day without people thinking that you're a cheap loser. If you buy them on the 14th, they think that you're an a$$hole, but not a cheap loser. It became clear that I was going to have to get better at this. Pretty soon, I had concocted a story.
With every box of chocolates, I told the cashier that I was buying them for my boyfriend who lives in a different time zone. A time zone where Valentine's Day doesn't come until next week. Like Iraq or something. You can't argue with that. Sometimes, the chocolates were for my boyfriend who, due to a Valentine's Day miracle, had just come out of a coma. I even pulled the race card. You know how Kwanzaa is after Christmas and all? Well, Black/Bi-racial Valentine's Day is the same way.
The cashiers were all very understanding and asked only if it would be credit or debit. I can be pretty convincing.
With my pride intact, I was able to eat my weight in chocolates as I drove from one store to another. I have learned that I hate the ones with the pink stuff in the middle. What the f*ck kind of flavor is pink? It tastes like cancer.
My teeth hurt.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:34 AM
104 Comments:
i never met chocolate i didn't like. that being said, i have no idea what flavor pink is supposed to be, but i actually like it too. i am pathetic. and fat. and old. but i have a great sense of humor so who the f*** cares, right? smiles, bee
(now if i can just type those %**&&$ letters)
I think the pink stuff is cocaine. They sell more chocolate that way.
You just reminded me of a Lifetime movie (was it Meredith Baxter?) where a woman was a bulemic. She drove around town eating pizzas and burgers and any other drive-thru food and then puked behind a grocery store. Pretty.
BTW, I think pink is supposed to be strawberry. But it smells weird. Go for the caramels. Then, and only then, puke behind a grocery store.
Seriously...you should make a movie about your life! :) I'd watch it...and pay money to see it (plus a bag of popcorn)!
I simply cannot...and I mean cannot eat chocolate with pink stuff in it. It must be a psychological thing. It's just too gooey and saccharine. Another chocolate eating quirk: I can't eat chocolate if it doesn't come with a legend in the box that tells you what the heck is in them! LOL! Some of the 'mystery' chocolates are naaaaaaaaasty! ;p
Crayon colors do not belong in chocolates. Ever.
I like how they bought that the time zone difference put your boyfriend into another week, rather than another day.
I just tell them I'm shopping early for next year's gift. I'm not cheap. I'm a "planner". I plan on giving someone an empty candy box next year.
OH WAIT! Maybe you can keep your new B.O.B. in one of the empty heart shaped boxes? New and chocolate scented. ooooooh.
I think the pink ones give you teeth cancer. Can't you sue someone for that?
Dark, bitter Belgian chocolate will get me everytime. VDay or not. But thanks for the tip about pink stuff in chocolate--I'll keep away from it.
I don't like the pink one's, but the cherry cordials are the one's that really gross me out. What the Hell is that liquid surrounding them supposed to be? I'm sure I don't want to know.
I dont like chocolates! Salt stuff on the other hand can keep my hands off... yes eating yourself into a weight I no, to jogg yourself out of it is a different story...
Oh Mist, I should send you a box of the loacl chocolates--they're all filled with glorious alcohol, all of it about 90 proof. And none of it is pink.
Pink is just gross.
You've made all tooth fairies proud :)
The trick is to take a bite while standing over the trashcan so you can immediately barf out the gross ones. Unfortunately 2/3rds of the box usually gets spit back out.
I think pink is supposed to be strwaberry.
The calories in white chocolate cancel out the calories in dark chocolate. The only acceptable centre for either is caramel.
Grandma sends a box of orange creams every Christmas. She know I like them. She doesn't know that I haven't finished a full box of them in a year for the past ten years. The left overs are in the freezer. They'll be worth something in the event of a nuclear attack.
In the event of nuclear attack, par-tay over at Michael's!
you could have said you were buying them for Chinese New Year... it's coming up. (It's really the Valentine's Day for Chinese people!)
That is funny that you say the pink ones taste like cancer… we call them pink death … Ü
My teeth hurt just thinking about that...
what the f*ck does cancer taste like!??? cherry bi product??
Sometimes, the chocolates were for my boyfriend who, due to a Valentine's Day miracle, had just come out of a coma.
Bwahahahahaa!!
Yesterday somebody offered me a chocolate with a center that appeared to be filled with the stuff that stays in your sink strainer after you empty the dirty water after washing dishes with caked-on spaghetti residue.
Give me the pink stuff any time.
I do the same thing, but instead of buying them, I just stuff the chocolate down my pants and run out.
Someone needs to pass a law making it illegal to fill chocolates with anything other than chocolate. No colors or cremes...no fruit or caramel...chocolate is the only thing that should ever be paired with chocolate.
My word varification thingy reads "ucwpigs"...is it trying to tell me something???
I tried to get VD stuff (that sounds crazy) last night after work. I had dinner with my son and wanted to surprise him with some candy too. The stupid Eckerd's near my house had already cleared out the good stuff and had the f%#$ing Easter stuff up already.
I gave him Willie Wonka candy in a blue gift bag.
Mist1, trick question: When do black people celebrate the Fourth of July?
I am jealous. My fiance is trying to quit smoking, so being supportive I gave up chocolate. It was either that or ice cream. I love my ice cream. Oh but how I miss my chocolate.
bee,
A sense of humor is everything.
hearts,
It did make my gums kind of numb.
cruiser,
Clearly, I may have some food obsessions of my own to deal with.
chrissy,
I like the legend too, but I was delirious and couldn't read from the sugar high.
katrice,
I can't figure out time zones either.
willie,
Brilliant idea. So Martha Stewart.
churlita,
I am to ashamed of my chocolate frenzy to sue anyone.
lizza,
I am here to help.
sqt,
No one knows what's in the liquid center.
donsie,
I don't know what came over me. I can usually pass up waxy chocolates.
Thanks for coming by.
doc,
Send chocolate. Or liquor. Either way.
orhan,
What does she do with all those teeth?
fab,
You can have the pink ones out of the next box.
lux,
I like a$$.
crow,
I spit them out of the window of my car while I was driving. The side of my car is pretty gross right now.
trish,
Strawberries are good. Pink is not.
archie,
I love caramel.
michael,
You must have a big freezer.
fringes,
Bring liquor.
frannie,
I'm going to use that one. I hope that chocolate is 75% off today.
mj,
Pink death sounds like a nice way to die.
ranger,
I've been flossing to make up for the damage that I've done.
omni,
No fruit centers. That should be a rule.
yasamin,
It tastes like the pink ones.
mystic,
Ugh. You should see my sink.
av,
You should eat M&Ms. They melt in your mouth, not in your pants.
mr. g,
I don't know why you don't run for Congress.
jali,
I drove out to Tucker. Every store still had Valentine's displays up.
matt,
I have to ask my mom. Can I get back to you on this one?
reba,
How is that supportive?
For the record - you have the only blog that leaves me without a comment, but always with a laugh.
That is pretty amazing.
The pink ones are a colon cleanser.
I eat thunderbolts
that pink stuff? it's peep shit. they keep those peep chicks in little veal calf-like boxes to keep their flesh and inner goo soft and delicious then that evil whitman's sampler boy on the box comes around and squeezes the shit out of the chicks right before they spread that sugar sprinkle death dust on them.
to me, pink is the flavor of Pepto Bismol. and puke green is the flavor of Nyquil. Beware of pastel nougat!
I think cancer tastes more like that liver-in-chocolate thing that Ilan concocted on Top Chef. I am still so mad that that whiny little bitch won. (In a healthy, not obsessed with the show kind of way.)
ryan,
I do this for free. I am like some kind of missionary or something.
behind,
Maybe I should stick them up there then.
nolff,
I hope you floss.
furious,
Oh, that's funny. I hate Peeps. I love my peeps. It's very different.
miztris,
I like Nyquil.
kelley,
Liver in chocolate? I hope I don't get one of those in this box.
I buy chocolates on Feb 15th also, but not because I'm cheap and pathetic (although we all know I am), it's because I 'm late for everything.... last year my kids got their Christmas presents in January.
I'm a chocolate snob. I like the dark chocolate ones sprinkled with grey sea salt that are 45.00 for six. They are too expensive for me to eat every day...so when I do eat one, it's like sex...but better.
This post made me dive for the box of chocolate truffles. I left my husband one. I'm thoughtful that way.
-velvet
And here I thought you were going to go the dirty route and suggest that I could have something chocolate down my pants if I wanted. I'm losing my touch.
I hope you've flossed.
it's not the pink i'm afraid of as much as the green... seriously, a chocolate filled with green goo? that's scary. pink is candy ass.
I'm dissapointed. No one asked you how you feel about white chocolate.
I hope you have lots of wine to counter the effects of the chocolate...
I realized awhile ago that I don't like chocolate samplers. They always ruin a perfectly innocent piece of chocolate with some mystery nougat that you spend all your time trying to a. figure out whether or not you like it and then b. what flavor it is. This makes you a far braver person than I.
It tastes like cancer.
Revolting, but it made me giggle.
:)
Pink is pretty gross - and Russel Stover? Really?
Pink is an acquired taste. I didn't care for it to much at first, but as the women I knew liked it I kept on trying. Eventually I've gotten used it. My wife loves me for it now and says I've gotten very good at it.
a. whore,
I'm supposed to give people gifts for Christmas?
mayren,
I think all the chocolates are making you rebellious.
tallulah,
I'm still confused about the better than sex part. Only shoes are better than sex. Sex in shoes is magnificent.
velvet,
I give it an hour. One chocolate in a box is foolish. Can't you hear it calling you?
av,
I don't mix genitalia and chocolate.
alison,
I floss between every chocolate.
hube,
I didn't get any green ones yet. I just had one that is not coconut. I don't know what it is, but it is definitely not coconut.
matt,
I have to be honest, I don't prefer dark chocolate. I will eat still eat it.
claudia,
Well, of course.
million,
That is a fabulous description of how it works. Exactly.
alicia,
That pretty much sums me up. I am revolting, but I'll make you giggle.
olives,
I was weak. Russel Stover chocolate tastes like crayons to me.
ctw,
I'm not giving anyone any of them unless they want the pink one. You will have to rip them out of my cold dead hands when I OD on sugar.
dagromm,
I'm not sure that we're talking about the same pink.
You should never have to explain to strangers why you are being financially responsible by buying large quantities of candy when they're on sale. They probably all bought their own boxes too.
And what can you go out and buy next week, after the big Presidents' Day celebration?
50% off false teeth? (Washington)
50% off bloody bullets? (Lincoln)
50% off cigars and navy blue dresses? (Clinton)
and you know what cancer tastes like because??????
Peace
qofd,
Pepto is kind of minty, isn't it?
clever,
Still, I feel guilty.
jocelyn,
I was planning on buying shoes.
odat,
I smoke.
CHERRY CORDIALS.
They may have pink in them, and they may also make your mouth hurt... but the party in my mouth, it knows no higher mountain.
mo,
Did you sing that as you typed it? I kind of think that you did. You are all jacked up on cherry cordials, aren't you?
"Life is just a box of chocolates and Mist1 is trying her best to devour life in one day."
I went into a diabetic coma after reading this.
And so sorry about another "egg" post my dear sweet egghater.
tastes like cancer.
I have to write that one down.
swamp,
I always devour life.
scotts,
Eggs are chicken periods. I cannot look at one without thinking about that.
beefcake,
Purple icing also tastes like cancer.
Thanks for coming by.
You stories are so interesting! How can someone have a life this interesting and not be rich and famous! Mist1 are they real or do they just happen in your head?
Pink is my favourite colour, and my least-favourite flavour.
Can you stand all the Us in that sentence?
Mmmm, chocolate. The orange shit isn't any better than pink.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gives a whole new meaning to the term choclate love, my dear.
I think I liked the old meaning better, though. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but my cock tooth is strong.
Pepto Bismol is the pink. That way you can eat the whole box or 10 without getting sick! Genius.
is it just me or is valentine's day chocolate the nastiest shit ever?
you might need some proactive with that root canal there.
i could never do what you do. you are my hero.
Today I bought a bunch of the individually-wrapped Russell Stover chocolates that have marshmallow or caramel inside. For 34 cents each. Two days after Valentine's Day. High five!
That gummy pink filling is the worst.
I'm sure they could have cared less about your story, but I'm glad it made you feel better about the guilt that was eating you inside. hee hee!
PS...I don't like candy, I would rather have a big bowl of popcorn...yummy!
You gotta look for the Lindt truffles on sale! That's what I got! (and some easter candy)
anon,
I am hugely famous. Maybe you remember me from such works as this blog.
sass,
I think you should have that on a tee shirt.
weather,
I think you can be pretty sure of the flavor of orange. Unless, it's those circus peanuts. I've never tried those.
123,
So, you are a cockoholic?
tug,
Whitman's and Pepto are a big corporate conglomerate. I am sure of it.
k,
Being a hero is a heavy burden. I need to rest.
mystery,
Marshmallow and I have never gotten along. I keep thinking about connective tissues when I eat them.
Thanks for coming by.
pink,
Oh, I'm sure they cared about my stories. They probably went home and talked about it.
junk,
I was in a frenzy. I just saw the 50% off sign.
evil,
I definitely yakked. It was rainbow colored and smelled sweet. Just describing it makes me want to yak again.
I do the same thing November 1st. There's less patheticness with that date. Consider swapping your binge times.
lex,
Can we not call them binges? That seems like I have an actual problem. Which, clearly I do not.
LOL.....
okay...to hide your sick sick sick habit - just go to the grocer's buy chocolate icecream, chocolate syrup and whipped cream...that should do the same effect...oh and eat it in bubble bath.
maybe you're addicted to the sale aspect ...does the same thing happen during boxing day?
I think pink is Robitussin flavor.
nofear,
I will buy almost anything on sale. This is my first official chocolate frenzy.
crank,
No wonder. I'm a Nyquil girl.
Ok so now, NOW! I will not be eating eggs again. But sushi is still "game on" yes? Please don't eff up my sushi...k? Jes sayin.
You ate your weight in candy?
So that's....what?
85 pounds of candy? ;-)
scotts,
I can pretty much f*ck up any dining experience.
pissy,
105 lbs. Thankyouverymuch.
you were like the anti me this valentine's day. :)
what the hell is that pink shit? it's gross. almost makes me glad i'm in sugar detox.
"tastes like cancer", if you have ever watched the Green Mile, you would know cancer tastes like a bunch of flies, not pink stuff.
I think if you being forced to play the race card to buy cheap chocolate, you need help.
Russell Stover Whipped Rasberry eggs are so yum. But tastes like cancer is not what I imagined. There is no time zone that is a week later, now I know you are from outer space.
sizzle,
How's detox going? I am in sugar rehab.
Thanks for coming by.
killer,
It's clear that I need help.
c,
Time zones always confuse me. Why can't I be from Inner Space or Personal Space?
It's obvious that you wrote this post after eating loads of chocolate. This makes me sad ... it means you didn't save any for me.
Damn!
(About to chug the red wine I was saving for you.)
dan,
Wait! I still have like 16 boxes of chocolate. Will gladly exchange for wine. Please, don't be like that.
That chocolate you ate? I ate almost that much in those frozen chocolate chip cookies you're supposed to bake. They don't make chocolate chip cookies with that pink cacka in the middle
catheroo,
I am swearing off chocolate for another year. I want to die now. Cookie dough will have to wait for another holiday. Please pass the wine.
Thanks for coming by.
I think its supposed to be faux strawberry. Its about as tasty as faux banana.
I haven't been here in a while. My bad. I'd offer to let you spank me for it, but I don't think its really a punishment.
I like faux cherry.
It's the 17th and I just bought some today for my wife when I was out getting a bottle of Stoli. Does that makes me a a$$hole, cheap loser drunk?
phishez,
I am the only one that gets spanked here, thanks.
blitz,
Yes. You are in good company.
I felt guilty about a Kingsize Snickers bar I devoured today...damn chocolate!
frankie,
I'm pretty sure that the FDA is going to add chocolate to the new and improved food pyramid.
Thanks for coming by.
Do consult a dentist, but don't anger him too much; they already have the highest suicide rate. As for blogging, you have not written anything today. It's quite sad. I just hope you're not trying to floss it off too hard, considering you wrote this two days ago. Cheers.
sophia,
I don't know what I would do if my dentist killed himself. I don't even want to think about it.
I blog Monday - Friday. A girl needs a little time off to recover, you know.
Thanks for coming by.
Of course you don't have a problem, dear. Because if you do I do. And that problem, by the way, is only frugality. The binge stuff, that's about not being able to pass up a deal. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Work for you?
lex,
It's worse than frugality. It's joyless frugality, the worst kind.
I totally cracked up at Target today while buying VD candy at 75% off. I had to tell my husband about you saying the pink filling was cancer flavored. I bought mine in celebration of Chinese New Year, which is today.
I buy myself chocolate after Valentine's day all the time. I don't care if I'm cheap. That just means that I have more money to spend on sexy underwear so that maybe next year someone will love me (or want me) enough to buy chocolate for me. Then they'll be FREE.
Still, I picked up a box of chocolate and bought it without even looking at the price. It's half off - surely, it will be a good deal?
It still wasn't.
frannie,
Maybe I could buy just one more box.
h & b,
I like the way you think. That's just good logic.
The pink cancer is not fatal - avoid the green centres at all costs; anthrax. Trust me.
Puss
puss,
I think I may need to see a doctor.
There is no such thing as too much chocolate. I find your desperate hunt for cheap chocolate quite admirable and I will consider doing the same thing next year. Thank you for the inspiration.
sebastien,
You may send me chocolate in thanks.
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