I would like to preface this by saying that I didn't have a single piece of candy for Halloween. Not even one. So, I feel justified with what I have just done.
Because I am pathetic yet thrifty, I waited until the 15th to buy myself chocolates for Valentine's Day. I was on a mission for chocolates at half price.
I went to every drugstore within a three mile radius of my home. I went to several others that weren't on the way home. At no point did I consider reaching out for help and calling my sponsor. In each store, I bought a box of chocolates. At first, I started with the Whitman's Samplers. But, it was not enough. I needed more. I confess to having consumed boxes of Russel Stover's candies. They are beneath me, but I am weak.
It's hard to buy chocolates the day after Valentine's Day without people thinking that you're a cheap loser. If you buy them on the 14th, they think that you're an a$$hole, but not a cheap loser. It became clear that I was going to have to get better at this. Pretty soon, I had concocted a story.
With every box of chocolates, I told the cashier that I was buying them for my boyfriend who lives in a different time zone. A time zone where Valentine's Day doesn't come until next week. Like Iraq or something. You can't argue with that. Sometimes, the chocolates were for my boyfriend who, due to a Valentine's Day miracle, had just come out of a coma. I even pulled the race card. You know how Kwanzaa is after Christmas and all? Well, Black/Bi-racial Valentine's Day is the same way.
The cashiers were all very understanding and asked only if it would be credit or debit. I can be pretty convincing.
With my pride intact, I was able to eat my weight in chocolates as I drove from one store to another. I have learned that I hate the ones with the pink stuff in the middle. What the f*ck kind of flavor is pink? It tastes like cancer.
My teeth hurt.