My Own Devices
I own a battery powered flosser. I love it. It is the best advancement in oral hygiene technology. On the power of a single AA battery, it vibrates between my teeth, stimulating my gums. I keep it in my desk along with replacement floss.
Last night, I reached into my desk for my flosser and pulled out my vibrator instead. The fact that my vibrator was in my desk is irrelevant. I can totally explain the logic behind it's placement there. I am a disgusting individual.
What bothers me is that my vibrator was lying next to my flosser. This cannot be safe. If the Board of Health came to my home and and found this, they would probably issue a citation for improper storage of personal vibrating devices. I can only hope that I never confused the two. I inspected both for signs of misuse. Then, I got out my labeler and typed "MOUTH" and "CROTCH" and affixed each label to the corresponding device.
I tested the battery on the flosser. Still good. I took my battery operated boyfriend (B.O.B.) upstairs to test the battery. My bed sits about four feet off the ground because it makes me feel like a princess. I placed it on the edge of the bed and disrobed. When I climbed up into my bed, I accidentally knocked the vibrator onto the floor. The top part cracked and broke free from the rest of the vibrator.
Devastated, I tried to rig the vibrator so that I could enjoy it's humming goodness again. The top kept falling off unless I held it at a certain angle (which was not the Right Angle). I might have wept, but I won't admit to it.
So, I find myself without a vibrator for Valentine's Day. Later today, I plan on paying a visit to my local adult novelty store to purchase a replacement. I am going to have to pretend that it is for my Lesbian lover to avoid the looks of pity from the other people in the store.
Rest in peace, B.O.B.