My Own Devices
I own a battery powered flosser. I love it. It is the best advancement in oral hygiene technology. On the power of a single AA battery, it vibrates between my teeth, stimulating my gums. I keep it in my desk along with replacement floss.Last night, I reached into my desk for my flosser and pulled out my vibrator instead. The fact that my vibrator was in my desk is irrelevant. I can totally explain the logic behind it's placement there. I am a disgusting individual.
What bothers me is that my vibrator was lying next to my flosser. This cannot be safe. If the Board of Health came to my home and and found this, they would probably issue a citation for improper storage of personal vibrating devices. I can only hope that I never confused the two. I inspected both for signs of misuse. Then, I got out my labeler and typed "MOUTH" and "CROTCH" and affixed each label to the corresponding device.
I tested the battery on the flosser. Still good. I took my battery operated boyfriend (B.O.B.) upstairs to test the battery. My bed sits about four feet off the ground because it makes me feel like a princess. I placed it on the edge of the bed and disrobed. When I climbed up into my bed, I accidentally knocked the vibrator onto the floor. The top part cracked and broke free from the rest of the vibrator.
Devastated, I tried to rig the vibrator so that I could enjoy it's humming goodness again. The top kept falling off unless I held it at a certain angle (which was not the Right Angle). I might have wept, but I won't admit to it.
So, I find myself without a vibrator for Valentine's Day. Later today, I plan on paying a visit to my local adult novelty store to purchase a replacement. I am going to have to pretend that it is for my Lesbian lover to avoid the looks of pity from the other people in the store.
Rest in peace, B.O.B.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:16 AM
95 Comments:
Mist, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Just disregard the raucous laughter coming from your westerly window.
It is always helpful to remember which appliances are for mouth and which are for crotch.
I read a hemorrhoid cream box at Whole Foods today in case I ever need some. It said, "For external use only. If swallowed..." at which point, I began to cackle. This attracted some attention as I have a strange laugh, so I asked the sales help why an ass product would ever be near ones mouth. They looked at me blankly. I replaced the box and left. I could feel them staring at my back.
well now honey this one is right up my - alley! just get out your accordian! see? they are interchangable. don't ask me why, but it seems they are. and did you stop to wonder what the two of them were DOING in that drawer together. now that is snarky honey. better get a new flosser too, okay?
smiles, bee
Perhaps while purchasing your new B.O.B. you can buy some nipple clips and handcuffs, because why would a single person by all three?
Happy Valentines,
~GINA
Just buy some carrots and sit on your dryer. Cheap and easy!
I remember when I broke up with someone once the day before Valentines...
I have a new battery powered... oops. maybe tmi?
I always pretend I'm buying a vibrator for a bachelorette party! If you also buy penis straws, it is more believable!
I'm sorry to hear about the death of BOB.
I hope BOB 2 is all you expected and more. And that your flosser is, in fact, still sanitary.
Maybe go with something glow in the dark. That way, in the dark, there's no chance of a mistake.
Hmm -- "Come toward the light, come toward the light...."
Oh, let him go - he was damaged goods. BOB's are a dime a dozen...Okay, they cost a lot more than that, but their easy.
Why didn't you just use the flosser?
are you kidding? the same thing happened to me!
happy valentine's day.
I'm so sorry.
Although that plan does sound better than mine to watch TV and eat chocolate until it comes out of my eyeballs.
I'm also jealous of your bed. 4 feet off the ground? Glorious! I sleep on a mattress on the floor. 6 inches above the ground. I'm classy. Sometimes I pretend I'm Japanese. Didn't they sleep on the ground in olden days?
RE the mouth/crotch thing: You've OBVIOUSLY never been a lesbian, have you, dear?
It's all good in the hood, but I will say a rosary for your B.O.B. I am sorry for your loss.
Just wrap the end of that flosser with duct tape. The twenty first century is all about mulit-tasking.
What unfortunate timing, but at least you can replace a BOB more easily than an ROB (Regular Old Boyfriend). Happy shopping!
-velvet
Condolences to the death of B.O.B.
May the second B.O.B. be a worthy replacement. Maybe you ought to buy 2 this time so that you have a backup? You can tell the people at the store that you're going to a VD orgy.
And please store your B.P.F. separately from B.O.B. will ya? ;-)
I think you should take the opportunity to make an event out of this. First, look online for your ideal B.O.B. Then dress up in heels that match the color scheme on the B.O.B. and a killer dress. Go to the novelty store, pick it up and then go buy some champagne (or wine of your choice) and then go home, get rip-roaring drunk and celebrate in the manner of your choosing.
Don't know why the expression 'ass-to-mouth' comes to mind. Seriously, I don't.
I like the idea of buying two BOBs. That way, you can have a threesome.
Dang. That is sorry to hear. How many Bobs do you have buried in your back yard now? Do you play taps at their funerals?
My condolonces.
Later Y'all
I wonder... Will the ever make a non-inflatable BOG?
Would love to get a detailed product review of which model you buy and why.
Happy VD!
xoxo
~ICL~
One - This so didn't go where I saw it headed. I was totally expecting the use of both ends of the power flosser. I'm somewhat disappointed.
Two - buy the "butterfly". It comes highly recommended. In an emergency, floss could be tied to the various extremities. Let the Board of Health Cite on That.
Haaaaa! Girl do what you gotta do!
They're probably going to offer you a store-branded Visa card.
With all of the business you throw their way, I'm sure you'll feel comfortable dickering with the saleslady.
My takeaway here is that I shouldn't feel creepy about my own masturbatory behavior.
Recently, I replaced my Asian blowup doll with a black one. But I had to take the wig from the white one and get a little creative.
Why they don't make biracial blowup dolls, I don't know.
The Rabbit!
This could be the saddest thing I've ever read in my life. It brought a tear to my eye. As if V-Day wasn't bad enough.
In loving memory of B.O.B.
Oh the horror. Poor BOB. I hope you find a way to enjoy Valentine's without him.
I remember when BOB1 broke. I cried. I tried CPR. I think I even threw him against the wall, all to no avail. I bought BOB2, BOB 3, and even blue-BOB. Nothing was quite as good as the original. Thank g*d I found BOB1 in a store again. Now I'm a BOB polygamist. Don't you judge me.
And, BTW, we all wonder, since BOB was in your desk, why you took him upstairs to check the battery.
see this is where my idea of a dental hygiene/adult store concept would totally rock out. see, we would sell a double ended flosser/vibrator.
see every sentence in my comment started with the word see. see?
wow, even that last one, damnit i just screwed the see streak.
hearts,
Whole foods has a$$ cream? Is it made from natural and organic botanicals?
bee,
I can't use my accordion. It's too noisy. The neighbors will complain. Again.
cookie,
I hope they have shopping baskets.
av,
I am not cheap.
michael,
Your spirit lived on in my vibrator.
olives,
This is a safe place to share tmi. I do it five times a week.
frannie,
They sort of know me in there. They'd never believe that.
katrice,
My flosser is even more precious to me now. You never know when something you love will be snatched away from you.
Thanks for coming by.
willie,
My bob had a little light. It glowed under the covers.
churlita,
But we were in love.
dorky,
I take my flossing pretty seriously.
jennifer,
You keep your flosser and vibrator together too?
h & b,
Elevate that bed. You may not be able to get into it every night (depending on how much you've had to drink). I keep a few pillows on the floor in the event that I miss.
123,
I have every intent on being a lesbian, at least for one night. But, I always chicken out.
slag,
What kind of girl owns duct tape?
velvet,
I haven't had a real boyfriend in ages. B.O.B. and I were happy that way.
lizza,
I'm afraid that they'll pity me if I get two. "Poor girl, she never gets any live action."
sqt,
I am pretty sure that I'll be taking photos in the novelty store. I'm not going to get all prettied up and not document it.
orhan,
I had the same thought.
fab,
It didn't leave you minty fresh?
rhonda,
I chipped my teeth like that once.
melon,
I place flowers on all the headstones.
ranger,
Yes, but she'll probably be programmed to talk.
icl,
I may just do that.
michael,
You can't go a$$ to mouth.
paula,
I can't do what I've gotta do, that's why I need B.O.B.
matt,
I am going to send a scathing email to the blow up doll companies demanding that they make biracial dolls.
romerican,
I like the Rabbit. Interestingly the flosser is called the Hummingbird.
ariel,
Thank you for your kind words.
reba,
He is already missed.
wg,
The laptop was all warmed up in my bed.
furious,
See, I think that's a good idea and all, but you see, not everyone is as particular about oral hygiene as I am.
I know a place near Peachtree you can go to.
Poor B.O.B.
You'll remember him fondly.
Now go buy an upgraded one that will fondle.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Can't comment...in mourning. **sniff sniff** RIP BOB.
CARROTS? Seriously?
"Then, I got out my labeler and typed "MOUTH" and "CROTCH" and affixed each label to the corresponding device."
You either have a very large mouth, or minimalist needs in the nether-regions.
I've broken two of my plastic pals after only 3 uses each. I need to buy stock in an adult toy company.
Men! Typical! You can't even rely on their plastic replacements. Revert to manual operations - needs must.
Puss
Mist - That's so sad that you're Bob has passed away. But happy that you get to go shopping for new toys!
You keep it in your desk and yet you still have less typos than most people. You never cease to amaze me.
Happy V.D.
Dagromm
I know how hard it must be to find the right replacement....Hope you do! So sorry to hear about BOB's passing...especially on this day of err, love.
Peace
That's the saddest story ever.
:(
I would be lost without a few of my favorites...
Good call on the lesbian lover cover.
I do hope you enjoy your new B.O.B.
Happy Valentine's Day.
get plastic sleeve for flosser. goddammit i'm a genious.
I feel your pain. I just broke my 3rd vibrator and am now also B.O.B. free. I might make a stop at Starship later myself.
nolff,
Peachtree Street, Drive, Road, Circle?
chick,
I want one that can drive.
tug,
Av's a vegetarian.
tigger,
That's a little personal even for me, don't you think?
puss,
My hands get all crampy.
mayren,
I do love shopping.
dagromm,
You should see my keyboard.
odat,
The problem with finding a replacement is that they never let you try them out.
alicia,
Thank you for your sympathy. You also probably sent me flowers or something too, right?
omni,
I dated a guy who said something very similar to that. I pretended to look for plastic wrap and left.
karma,
If you see me, let's agree right now not to make eye contact.
They recently came-out with a vibrating women's razor. I bet there are ER doctors out there with some good stories...
May your next BOB be bigger and better than his predecessor.
What you need is someone to invent a new device with a flosser on one end and a vibrator on the opposite. Half the batteries and twice the pleasure in one device. I may have something here. Anyone know the web address for the U. S. Patent Office?
OMG I am so sorry. The loss of a loved one on a holiday such as this can be totally devasting. If you need anything just let mne know... unless its a new Bob or a finger or something... eww
The Peachtree street. I use to stop by there when my old job had to go to World Trade Center.
My BOB will always be #1 in my heart. And my panties. Every woman should have a BOB.
I cried with you on that one...
LOL! OMG, girl! You are too funny! When I saw the photo of your flosser, I immediately thought "Hmmmm...kinda looks a lot like a vibrator!" LOL! That was before I even read your post!
As far as new and improved BOBs go, my girlfriends have told me that 'The Dolphin' is a good one! So I've been told...... LOL!
kelley,
I just crossed my legs.
clever,
Size doesn't matter. No really. Why are you looking at me like that?
qofd,
Besides my sink and the kitty litter and the pair of panties in the couch cushions? I don't know.
blitz,
There is way too much potential for injury with that product. Have you ever made your gums bleed from floss? Well, imagine if you got confused and flossed your delicate parts...
dallas,
In lieu of flowers, please send gifts via Paypal.
nolff,
Not West Peachtree?
ddl,
I feel so alone right now.
weather,
I hope you are wearing waterproof mascara.
chrissy,
I want a surf & turf one that I can use in the shower.
LOL! I was just curious, so did some investigative work...lol! www.adameve.com has got some interesting models. They sure make for some potential future BOBs. Yes, there's even a whole slew of waterproof ones! ;p With names like Whirlpool Rotating Rabbit Vibe, Lucid Dream, Waterproof Clitoral Hummer...who can resist not checking those out!? LOL! *sigh* It must be fun to be the creator of such things. Imagine the money one would reap by inventing new and improved BOBs???
PS. LOL! The word verification for this comment is vyjayjiy. Doesn't that look a little like va-jay-jay? OMG...this is what only a few hours of sleep does to me.
Be sure to ask if they have a “fitting” room .. So that you can “try it before you buy it”
chrissy,
I found one that looks like a penguin. I think it would be nice to make out with a B.O.B. in a suit.
mj,
I can't even use a public restroom without feeling panicky.
Oral sex also brings together mouth stuff and crotch stuff. How lucky that you now have an Oral Sex drawer all set up in your desk. Get that new vibrator, and then toss everything in there together. The drawer will be humming.
You are too funny. Who needs a real man with all those toys out there.
Poor BOB...you were so fond of him, bringing him on all your out-of-town trips, keeping him close by at all times. So sad.
However.
Now you can shop for a new BOB. And they come in different colors and everything! Just think of the fun you'll have getting to know your new friend.
jocelyn,
I am going to label the drawer ORAL SEX.
dan,
Do they come in sizes and colors?
karmyn,
Boy toys are fun too.
trish,
I love that getting to know me period. It's when I'm at my best.
scotts,
He didn't even give me any warning. No "Honey, we need to talk" or anything.
Still laughing.
As a rule, Ass to Mouth is a no-no. I would assume that -hence - the vibrator and flosser should not room together.
But I'm not implying that your vibrator is going in ... wait... um... look I just don't think it's a good idea.
I just wanna say that I'm very concerned about Empress Bee's suggestion of using your accordian instead. First, how big IS she? Second, wouldn't the neighbors call the police? And third, who wants their dog howling while they're trying to get in the mood?
Oh, cmon! The vibrator next to the flosser? That can't be a big deal. You are so savvy Mist. You must be engaging in autofellatio on a regular basis. Who needs a vibrator if you are flexible?
Now, that's the way to spend February 14th. I'd say the V word but I'm anti Vday. Good luck looking for a replacement!
One day my cat came running out of my bedroom with something in his mouth. My boyfriend asked what it was. I recognized it immediately but played dumb until he left the room. It was the screw top that held the battery on my b.o.b..
I quickly snatched up b.o.b.'s top and ran into the bedroom to make sure that he was still operational. Thank GOD he was.
I am saddened by your loss. But for the grace of god.....
jack,
Go ahead. Laugh while I am in mourning.
kat,
I know. I am ashamed of myself.
lee,
All good thoughts. Plus, I took a look around here and all I could find was my mouth organ, which opens up a whole new can of worms.
tallulah,
Sometimes, I like toys.
echo,
I have been shopping all evening.
laurie,
Go tell B.O.B. that you love him. You were lucky.
I feel your pain Mist...I too experienced the same heartbreak when I realized my "Ladyfinger" wasn't waterproof. Of course I didn't find this out until I was checking it to see if the batteries were still good (wink wink). Imagine my sorrow.
BTW, I didn't like the butterfly or the dolphin. I am usually pretty happy with a good ole phalic shaped BOB. Have fun shopping!
I had those exact thoughts as I drove past an adult store earlier today in Lawrenceville. Had I known you were in dire straits I would have bought two but I dare say and it's true I did not stop so I bought nothing and I too suffer a B.O.B less V day. Manual labor!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Hope you were able to go shopping, thereby aiding in the happiness of the day....
;-)
Happy V-Day, Mist! Sorry to hear about BOB, but look on the brightside, now you can go shopping for a new boyfriend, on you'll be even happier with. :P
glazier,
So many options...so few batteries.
c,
I wonder if you could have gotten a two-fer discount.
library,
I neglected to buy myself chocolates. Damn.
kristyn,
Shopping always makes me happier.
You broke your BOB... Poor BOB. Poor mist!!!!
skittles,
Thank you for your support.
you can't replace BOB. there is just no other like him. thats like telling your kids the gold fish didn't die and replacing it with another. It never works!
pink,
Sadly, I have to replace B.O.B. about once a year.
To do:
Find publisher.
Sign contract.
Support poor friends in Riverdale with the million dollar advance.
jali,
I can only do one thing at a time. Every day, I floss. I still haven't found a hobby. How am I supposed to handle all that? Can't you do some of the legwork for me while I sit here and look pretty?
we should start a support group. in the move, i dropped mine onto the tile floor and pretty much watched it shatter into a million vibrating pieces of goodness. i about died.
i then placed an order to alicia who has quite a nice business goin on. good stuff.
yasamin,
Need Alicia's number.
BOB was a good BOB. May he rest in peace.
Look at it this way, at least you didn't get electrocuted.
pookie,
I appreciate your optimism, but still a little electrocution isn't all bad.
Thanks for coming by.
So if you use bob on your mouth...does that mean you're ...oh nevermind.
I cracked mine as well...my gay boyfriends like to keep tabs on how often i break my Bobs.
I don't know but this pretty cute biker stopped and went in - that almost got me to pull in but I was coming back from a teacher parent conference and it just felt wrong.
nofear,
I am ambidextrous, yes. Thanks for asking.
c,
It always feels wrong when you pull in the parking lot of those places.
I've been told that a vibrating toothbrush, used in conjunction with half an avocado, will do in a pinch.
crank,
Should I serve that with tortilla chips?
always remember that when a BOB dies, never go to a try before you buy store !!
ciao4now
het,
I thought you were going somewhere else with that one. Like, every time you say you don't believe in masturbation another B.O.B. dies.
Thanks for coming by.
I once broke a BOB. I'm unsure exactly how. It was my favoroite but I hadn't overused it. One night it worked (and damn well, let me tell you) mand the next it didn't. I haven't thrown it away yet. I have not replaced it with one quite as good yet, and so sometimes I take it out of the drawer just to look at it and reminisce.
Tell the truth. You broke your boytoy from overuse didn't you.
phishez,
Not this time, but a previous B.O.B. died a horrible death. I don't like to talk about it.
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