To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, February 19, 2007

Right Hand Man


Last week, after the untimely death of my beloved Battery Operated Boyfriend, I agonized over which B.O.B. was perfect for me. I searched Consumer Reports for product reviews. Finding nothing, I called my girlfriends.

They told me their experiences in much too graphic detail. They answered my questions much too honestly. I settled on a model from the Hustler line. I ordered it online with the understanding that it would be delivered in discreet packaging.

In hindsight, I should have paid the extra money for overnight service. I underestimated just how cheap and attached to B.O.B. I really am. The past few days have been trying for me. I have had to resort to wine to put me to sleep at night. During the days, when I see my mail carrier, I run out to greet him. "Waiting for something special?" he asks. "Not really," I reply nonchalantly. I try to conceal the look on my face that would tell him that I am having impure thoughts.

Last night, in a moment of desperation, I decided to get out the super glue. I have several types of adhesive in my home. I am always gluing something to something else. I have wood glue, rubber cement, Elmer's glue, Gorilla glue, one-minute epoxy, five-minute epoxy, and super glue. I love adhesives. I cannot explain it.

The first tube was old and sealed shut. The pin provided did little to free up the adhesive inside. Undeterred, I pierced the top of a new tube. Carefully, I lined the broken edge of my B.O.B. with super glue. I thought about how happy he would be to be with me one last time. Or maybe, 16 last times. Lost in fantasy, super glue poured down my right hand and onto my shirt. My shirt instantly bonded with my stomach.

I did not panic. I also have a few bottles of nail polish remover around here. I put the tube on the desk and set my B.O.B. next to it so that I could attend to my shirt. Unfortunately, my right hand did not let go of B.O.B.

I should mention that I was on the phone at this time. With my dad. I know, I know. Who does B.O.B. repair while on the phone with their father? I made up a lame excuse about being glued to my favorite coffee mug (I don't own one) and laid the phone down carefully, not touching it with my sticky hands.

The good news is that B.O.B. vibrates again. The bad news is that I am typing this with one hand.

Mist 1


110 Comments:

At 8:17 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

That is a bit disturbing, but funny...very, very funny. I'm glad that you and B.O.B. are an item again.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger katrice said...

The things we do for love...

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger Tug said...

ooh, I don't know about the whole super glue down there...are you 2-handed yet?

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger Echo said...

and to think BOB was ready to retire!

 
At 9:33 PM, Blogger Jester said...

And thus Mist's patented Vibrator Mitten was born.

Vibrator Mitten

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

So your dad's just hanging there on the line, listening to you, um, slurp coffee?

Good job on the mono-handed typing. It must have taken you ten hours to compose this post. Ten really, really happy hours.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

That's the ticket! When you sense your love is about to leave, superglue him to you!

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Now that BOB is back in action, isn't he going to be a bit jealous when his rival arrives?

-velvet

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger Lex said...

You're off Monday, right? I say worry about the nail polish remover on Tuesday. And turn off your phone.

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

This may help you to become ambidextrous. Are you left or right handed?

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

I bet the "couple days buildup" made it really good.

 
At 11:36 PM, Anonymous swamp said...

Just make sure you don't burn your leg on the kick start. Super glue doesn't work well on burns.

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Donsie said...

I am sure everybody has a BOB in their lives but girl, if the BOB wants to go, let him go. Can you imagine going to the hospital to split the two of you... You can be glad you had stuff to help you there!!!
Ag and a new one is always a new adventure :-) enjoy!!!

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger SQT said...

Eeek! I don't suppose you're left handed? How are you going to explain this at work?

 
At 12:55 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

Well now your inseperable!

 
At 1:21 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Hahaha! You always make me laugh (and I mean that in a good way).

Have fun and get creative with ever-present B.O.B.--until he and you part ways.

 
At 2:13 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Honey, that's not bad news, that's multi-tasking!

Puss

 
At 2:26 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I type with one hand all the time.

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger Meloncutter said...

I suspect that you are very creative and mechanically inclined. Rather than order online and wait, could you not have scrounged something from around the house to replace bob. I would look for things like a baseball bat and the engine from a riding lawn mower to start with and then let your imagination run with it.

Just a thought.

Later Y'all.

 
At 3:56 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

Super glue as a resurrection tool -(or would that be re-erection?)

 
At 4:14 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

love hurts. That's just the way it is.

 
At 5:01 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I sympathise - really - [walks away doing Elvis impersonation - "I'm gonna stick like glue, uh uh, cos I'm stuck on you"]

 
At 5:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

laurie,

Everything about me is slightly disturbing, but funny.

katrice,

I am slightly ashamed of myself.

tug,

Naturally, I waited for the glue to dry before going down there.

echo,

Now my entire hand has to take an early retirement.

jester,

I demand royalties for this product.

jocelyn,

I didn't even proofread. I hope it's okay.

love,

I've done worse things to keep someone.

velvet,

I'm going to have to lie to him.

lex,

I'm getting off on Monday.

icl,

I can do lots of stuff with either hand.

kevin,

It's always a good one.

swamp,

Your vibrator has a kick start? Jealous.

donsie,

I would have to go to a hospital outside of my county for this one.

sqt,

I am mostly left handed.

shadow,

I like to think about us like that. It's going to be my longest lasting relationship.

lizza,

I'm more concerned about parting fingers than ways right now.

puss,

I am a multislacker.

fab,

Damn. You're good. I see your daily word count.

melon,

I don't own a baseball bat. I have a Taser and an attack cat for my home security needs.

choo,

Love sticks. I mean, stinks.

archie,

That's a good impersonation. Who else can you do?

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger frannie said...

if BOB was glued to one hand and you were typing with the other, why weren't all the words, "ooooooohhhhhhh"?

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Trish said...

What a romantic you are! Instead of letting BOB die a natural death you breathed new life into him and are together once again.

Sort of like a Disney story.

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger speedwobble said...

you couldn't improvise with an electric toothbrush or something?

and, as a gal on the market for her own BOB, give us some DETAILS!

 
At 6:02 AM, Blogger MJ said...

You are such a hero in your BOB’S eye !!!! Way to save the day

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Lesson: Never try to mend a broken boyfriend.

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger Omniscience said...

mist.....be careful.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You don't own a coffee mug? They're inexpensive and just PERFECT when all of your wine glasses are dirty first thing in the morning.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You should have used the wood glue.

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger C said...

It can't be that bad. You can multi-task.

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger That's one clever little bitch! (Also known as Yvonne) said...

Wow. Now you'll have two boyfriends competing for your attention. You'll have to put them on an alternating schedule to ensure each gets fair playing time. They'll both vibrate better. They'll send you roses and bring you wine and chocolates just to try to be the main object of your affections. You're one lucky gal!

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Stewart Sternberg said...

While I understand the importance and convenience of a good artificial lover, I think that there are many men around who would be happy to fulfill that role, with the same emotional entanglement.

 
At 7:18 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

While talking to your dad, too! You are almost superhuman sometimes, Mist. You'd totally be my hero if that wasn't just wrong!

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

I'm not good with super glue either. I got in my hair once.

I'm glad B.O.B. is working again. Once you find a good one, it's very difficult to replace him.

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

frannie,

My hand isn't glued in my crotch.

trish,

I am hoping to sell the rights to Disney. Can you imagine the B.O.B. action figure?

speed,

I take my oral hygiene seriously. Check out the Hustler line also, consider getting a bath toy.

mj,

I think B.O.B.s eyes are sealed shut.

olives,

I should have known that we were through.

omni,

I need a life manager.

matt,

Hindsight is Maddog 20/20.

c,

You really don't know me, do you? My definition of multi tasking is smoking while I talk on the phone.

clever,

I hope they fight over me.

stewart,

The words emotional entanglement scare me.

kristyn,

I need a costume if I'm going to start being a hero.

debbie,

I thought that was "gel" in your hair.

 
At 7:41 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You're left-handed? Somehow, that's adorable.

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I don't know what I would do if my favorite bob died - I have back ups but there is nothing like the favorite

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

masturbation ranks up there with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...combining the two would cause cold fusion I'm convinced and would bring on the next ice age

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

This had all the makings of a very embarrassing trip to the emergency room. Glad it didn't go down that way.

Congrats on your bittersweet last hurrah with B.O.B.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

It really is, isn't it?

cheeky,

I wore black for a few days.

furious,

I think that depends on the kind of jelly.

michelle,

I have been known to pitch a fit in the local ER. I really should never go back there.

 
At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I'm sorry, the bad news again is - what, exactly?

All I'm seeing is silver lining.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

I think I love you.
That is sooo American Pie.
:)
I hope you get your new BOB soon.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Girl, one must have several boyfriends at her disposal. They each have their own special talents, and variety is the spice of life. I suggest you buy several more to do your bidding.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

britt,

Well, the silver lining part was pretty good.

alicia,

I am missing skin on three of the fingers on my right hand. Do you still feel the same about me?

tammie,

But, I am so attached to this one.

 
At 8:53 AM, Blogger Brookelina said...

If I had a dime for every guy I knew who typed one-handed....I could buy you a new boyfriend. In fact, I could buy everyone a new boyfriend.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

brookelina,

Sweet! Boyfriends on the house!

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger Em said...

When I first saw your photo of the tube of super glue...well...what with it being tubular and all....

Let's just say, my mind went to a place even more disturbing than you repairing BOB while talking to your dad.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Wait till the mailman sees you.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

I'm glad to hear that it was only your hand that got super glued to B.O.B. I had some really bad thoughts when you first mentioned super glue and B.O.B.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

em,

What could be more disturbing than that?

ctw,

No mail today. It's a holiday.

pink,

Dear G*d.

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger Lee said...

I find that a zipper-mouthed leather mask helps to conceal impure thoughts.

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Girl, you got off easy. :)

This may be your funniest post ever. You should be doing standup, Mist. (I know -- I left myself open [!] to a pun or two.)

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Typing with one hand is supposed to be a men's only sport. I do it quite well as long as I don't have to hold down the Shift key.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

OMG, that's too funny. Happy you get to re-unite with your B.O.B. for a long good-bye.

I loved my rabbit a.k.a sex and the city model so favored by Charlotte. It's really that good. I love mine so much -- I named it after my ex-boyfriend... that's all he was good for anyway.

 
At 10:47 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Good thing all you need is one hand, my dear.

Although, I'm sure there are many who would be willing to lend you a hand in your time of need.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

I look great in leather.

hearts,

There is a two drink minimum around here. You all need to catch up.

av,

I notice that you must have held down the Shift key to type Shift. Well done.

curiosity,

F*cking like rabbits is good. Apparently, f*cking a rabbit is also good.

123,

I do have a strong support network, don't I?

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

Thank god they haven't perfected home video phones yet, or your dad would have gotten an eyeful.

 
At 11:22 AM, Blogger Mr Shife said...

Just think about the laughs you and your dad will share when you tell him about this story in a few years.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Laurie said...

A friend of mine told me that when he was cleaning out his elderly mother's house after she died, he found an electic vibrator with multiple speeds and attachments under her bed. He said it looked like it had been well used.

So at least my son has that to look forward to...

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger Meg said...

They would have to commit me if my B.O.B. died!!!

Its always good to have a backup spare. Keep that in mind Mist.

Hey - nice typing one-handed tho....

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger jali said...

One of the chicks in my building is considering hosting one of those partys.

You know (wink-wink)
one of THOSE partys.

I'll publish my list of purchases.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

LOL I have quite a picture in my mind's eye now. Let us know about the mailman's face when you go to the mailbox with B.O.B. stuck to your hand and try to bash it free when you see the "discreet" package in the delivery.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

Your favorite coffee mug?

*GROANNNSSSS* ;)

Steve~

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger Sizzle said...

oh i would totally have recommend the ohmygod vibrator. not it's technical name, mind you but i could send you a link. it's, um, awesome!

i sure hope you work from home. . .

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I totally thought you had managed to superglue BOB somewhere else...which OW.

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

evil,

My dad still has a rotary dial phone. No fears about video phones for him yet.

shife,

Dad and I are close, but not that close.

laurie,

My grandpa had something like that for men. I think he called it a blood pressure cuff.

meg,

I am awfully good with my hands.

jali,

I'm sure that my evite must have been eaten by my spam filter. Am not offended.

cruiser,

Why do people always talk about the mind's eye, but never the mind's mouth or ears or nose?

steven,

I own a teacup. Does that count?

sizzle,

Please send link. Also, please define "work."

scotts,

Not yet. There's always tonight.

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

I totally thought this story was going in a different direction. I thought you were going to say you got it stuck, uhhh, well, somewhere ELSE. LOL

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

I'd like the link that sizzle has. Could I please see the link? Huh? Can I?

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger het said...

hello
that is a proper funy situ, I suggest seriously you get a mains operated devise......and my goodness, as your BOB is not a cuddler, I wonder how many cigs you have actually smoked over the last few day....wow....anyway dont give up and stick at it !!

ciao4now

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

So many comments, so little time.

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Super glue may be super but it is also danger. I hope you allowed the glue to fully dry before giving B.O.B. a test run.

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! That was hilarious! I was actually getting worried, not knowing where exactly you were heading with that 'build up' in your story! I envisioned that scene in American Pie where Jason Biggs super glues his hand to his penis! LOL! OMG.

Glad you didn't get anything else super glued. Oh, and welcome back, BOB!

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

You all think I'm dumber than I really am, don't you?

kevin,

I'm still waiting for it myself.

het,

I'm not a cuddler either. That's why B.O.B. and I get along so well.

jack,

The comments are what make this blog so much fun.

nick,

Well, naturally. I'm a quick learner.

chrissy,

The shirt was stuck to me for a little bit too.

 
At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

What happens when BOB #2 arrives? Will there be a fight for your affection?

 
At 2:35 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I don't want to be crude, but I have to ask what about vibration is so desirable. One would think a slow, steady tap would be the best; it simulates real sex.

After all, men don't place their junk on a washing machine for satisfaction. You know?

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger K said...

you know mist, i am laughing extra hard because of the morning i had with my b.o.b, because let's face it, it's the only reliable fucker i know.

poor thing, i know it was hard for you, being without orgasms and all, lol.

at least that thing didn't get glued to your snatch.

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Didn't you read the instructions "not to try this at home"?

Do you at least have photos?

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

karmyn,

I hope so.

lbb,

And that pretty much sums up why I like B.O.B. so much.

k,

My B.O.B. is pretty reliable. He has withstood a lot.

qofd,

I really need to start reading instructions. Actually, I did think about posting a photo of my hand, but my nails look like crap.

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger realbigwings said...

This is a very dangerous story. I will forward it to all my friends.

 
At 5:31 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

You are hilarious.

I don't use super glue, it's way too dangerous. I feel like I'm always hearing about people super glueing their eyes shut... or maybe I just know really stupid people.

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger Jenny Rough said...

My friend told me to read this blog. Funny, funny . . . thanks for the good laughs.

 
At 5:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bigwings,

You will probably receive some kind of honor for your service. Please invite me to the award ceremony.

Thanks for coming by.

sebastien,

I am not really stupid. Just sort of stupid. It keeps me humble.

jenny,

You have a good friend.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

This is the most hilarious post I've read in weeks. Thank you.

I'm typing this with one foot.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I'm picturing you flossing with that sixth digit...interesting.

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

edgy,

You are an amazing typist.

blitz,

When I only have one hand available (i.e. when driving or glued to a vibrator), I use flossers. Only one hand is necessary.

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

So happy to hear BoB is on the mend. Fenchurch says she would've gone mad without her BoB before she met me. Now, I think she just lies about their relationship...

Dent: "Enjoy your day off, dear.... I gotta go to work."

Fewnchurch: "I will.... Oh, are you going to be home for lunch? Just so I know if I should... ummm... make something, yeah, that's it."

Dent: "Yep, I'll be home for lunch."

Fenchurch: "Get to work, you're going to be late! Go! Goodbye.... are you STILL not gone?"

Then she stands at the kitchen window until the truck pulls away.

She's so cute.

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger Jay said...

I feel your pain, but man, I hope to never be there myself!

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger S. A. F. said...

Absolutely hilarious! Ummm, I recommend the Clio's Secret and The Spin Cycle. Two of my favorite battery operated boyfriends.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

supergluing, you've got an addiction (not so much to the glue).

;-) lovin' ya!

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger cinders said...

Two words: Triple Threat. But you didn't hear that from me.

 
At 11:25 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

bah. you have two hands for a reason anyway. one to operate the BOB, one to do everything else. :p

now you dont have to worry about slippage. its stuck in place.

 
At 1:44 AM, Blogger kitten said...

ROFLMAO!!!! OMG, I love it, love it, love it! BTW, coulda told ya that the Hitachi Magic Wand is THE absolute best ever. Bought mine at Their website for 39.99 sans attachments, yep, they do make attachments, trust me, it plugs in and you shall never, ever want again *grin*. Yeah, I have 2 cuz I live in Australia now and just in case one breaks, ya know?

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

arthur,

You should pull back into the driveway one day claiming to have forgotten something.

jay,

Learn from my mistakes.

s.a.f.,

The spin cycle has always been a favorite of mine.

nofear,

I do love adhesives.

cinders,

Mums the word.

yasamin,

Still, I could use a third hand.

kitten,

Hitachi makes vibrators?

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

EPOXY?? I knew it! you DO collect and paint Figurines! that's why you have so much adheasive in your house.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mayren,

No, I just have a huffing problem.

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger Pookie Sixx said...

Hey, you could use BOB as an implement for hunting and pecking on the keyboard. Although, he would probably punch too many keys.

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Wavemancali said...

Thinking of you with your B.O.B superglued to your hand made me think of all the poor pirates out there with hooks and how horrible that would be.

Then the idea morphed into the image of the Island of Lesbian Pirates with B.O.B.'s instead of hooks. The sounds on the Island would be Arrrrghh.... ooooo.... Arrrgghh.

When I sell the movie rights I shall send you your 50%

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pookie,

It would look a bit like this: aosdfghoaspihfsdlksaghsodfnsa.

wave,

Oh, that's awful. I want to be in the movie.

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger Pookie Sixx said...

I would go see that movie.

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

must not be a very good B.O.B. if you can still type.

 
At 4:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pookie,

I'll invite you to the private screening. Bring liquor.

melanie,

I am amazing with one hand.

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

Death, a sticky situation and a multi-generational story line - this story has it all! Although to me it seems a bit, um, dangerous to be placing anything superglued near one's area.

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sornie,

This post really did have it all. It could have ended tragically, but for the love of AA batteries.

 
At 7:57 PM, Blogger kuri said...

I think gluing your hand to your BOB has to be categorized as "An Accident That Could Have Been Much, Much Worse." Or would that be "...Could Have Been Much, Much Better?"

 
At 8:17 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kuri,

It's a tough call. There's a fine line between a pretty good time and a really good time.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Actually, that just seems really, really convenient!

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Clearly, you've never been glued to a sex toy. Try explaining that one to the bag boy at the package store.

 

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Name: Mist1
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