Release
It's been a long time, but I think that I am ready for a relationship again. A real relationship. Like the kind I have with my shoes. Loving and exciting and expensive. A relationship that makes me feel good and look even better.Well, maybe not quite yet, but I think that I will be ready sometime in the future. Maybe in the next few years. I think 2008 sounds like a good year. I like even numbers, but 2010 is too perfect and 2012 is too far away. So, in 2008, I will embark on a new relationship.
It's hard to meet a man and tell him, "although, I am very interested in you, I still need a few more months of being a complete wreck. I would appreciate it if you would wait until an even numbered year for us to begin dating in earnest. In the meantime, if you touch another girl, I will scratch her f*cking eyes out." Very few men understand this.
It's not that I'm not dating. I am dating a man whose profile that I read on a sperm donor website. He is a doctor and has hazel eyes. We share many similar interests, but there's just no chemistry. I've got him in my freezer in case I ever feel like sharing the rest of my life with him, but I've taken him out to thaw so many times, that I'm just not sure what's in store for us if we ever decide to get serious.
I want a spring romance. Spring seems like a perfect time to start anew. We will enjoy sunset strolls and copious amounts of alcohol followed by passionate/acrobatic sex. I think April or May would be perfect. So, I've started searching the release dates of inmates in my local correctional facilities.
The internet is a wonderful thing. I can search the inmate population by release date. My current options include a man who enjoys drawing and holding hands and who just happens to have stabbed his wife 78 times with an ordinary kitchen utensil. There is also the gentleman who likes curly hair and writes poetry and is awfully crafty with a crowbar.
I am torn.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:37 AM
80 Comments:
Why do relationships have to be so hard?
If we could just mush up all of the good qualities from each guy we've ever dated to make a handsome, witty, caring dude with a big package who is also handy with kitchen utensils, ah, life would be grand.
April 1st 2008 sounds like a great date to start. If things aren't going well you always have the perfect out.
Definitely April as it's an even numbered month.
Go with Crowbar guy. It's an all-purpose shoe tool. You can set on your bed and still drag shoes out of the closet. Plus, it makes a nifty shoe horn.
I bet the guy with the crowbar would bring you lots of really nice presents.
Hmmm - both those guys sound extraordinarily gifted but wench - it's tough to top good shoes. Stick with the Shoe love affair.
So many choices, so little time. Your man in the fridge sounds interesting but cold, the artist is cool if you like sadomasochism, the poet is romantic and can get you what you want. I say go with the poet.
my vote is for the poet as well, nothing says i love you like a very expensive pair of shoes, hot and fresh from the just robbed shoe store. just be careful with the passionate/acrobatic sex though or you may be buying some realy cute shoes in a ~much~ smaller size come spring 2009.
123,
Even if I mushed all their good qualities together, I'm not sure that I'd have a good guy.
blitz,
I guess I could call his PO when we were through.
bice,
Good point about the even numbered month.
kungfu,
I hadn't thought about that angle.
crow,
Gawd, I love my shoes.
lizza,
He is a little frigid.
heather,
As long as I still have legs.
I'd go for the curly-haired poet - if you ever lock yourself out, that crowbar will come in very useful.
Puss
I agree… The curly hair poet sounds like the best bet here !!!
A spring romance with a newly released murderer?
Sounds ROMANTIC!
go for the guy with the crowbar... everyone can use common kitchen utensils. but a crowbar- not that could come in handy.
Since you have that insanely curly hair, I think you HAVE To go with the poet.
It's karma.
Your prospects are endless Mist...but I'm not so sure you'd look good with a man who has one of them ankle bracelet things.
A bank robber who hasn't been caught may be better. You know, to afford your way of life and all.
Man, and I thought spending an hour a night at Plenty of Fish was a creative way to get laid...er, I mean, get a date...
puss,
I don't even know what a crowbar is for.
mj,
He's so deep.
kat,
I know. I am a romantic deep down inside.
frannie,
I'm not that good with kitchen utensils.
pissy,
Think of our children.
slick,
I am pretty expensive to maintain. I require alcohol and shoes. It gets pricey.
1
Remember the boots I got you last Black Friday? What hair I have left is curly. And I can wait until April 2, 2008, everything even. Would you like me to send you some frozen semen to play with?
speedwobble,
I am not going to respond with an off color comment about sex. No, I'm not.
0,
I am making room in the freezer. It can go right next to the thing that used to be meatloaf.
Poetry and crowbar -- that sounds like a match made in heaven.
True story, Mist1. As a young journalism undergraduate, I once corresponded with an inmate on Death Row in Texas--you know, trying to get to the bottom of the injustice for a Pulitzer-worthy article series.
Then he sent me some jailhouse poetry, which was really crappy. I sent it back w/ lots of red marks and some suggestions.
I never heard back from him. Either he was offended or....
Dating the stabber would leave you impaled, not torn.
Orange is a nice color though eh?
You mean I've been saving myself for nothing? I've been doing tongue exercises and stretching and everything!
Inmates are good as long as they find baby Jesus in their heart.
It's better perhaps that you start with the halfway houses that receive the federal inmates for a time. Your selection will be of the more white collar criminal. You'd rather be on the wrong side of an audit than a crowbar, trust me. Even if crowbar guy gives great head, it's just not worth...uh, hmm...so you say he writes poetry, eh?
May I suggest that you drop your standards a bit, you know just initially til you get the ball rolling!?
I don't know. Could you find a different penal institution to prowl through? The crowbar talent sounds good, but the poetry worries the casual observer. So much artsy angst. Ick. The chappy with the knack for cooking books and siphoning away pension funds - I don't know why, but I think he's got the material a gal can work with. And he's accustomed to waiting til after mid April to get busy.
I love weighing in on romances that aren't mine to mess up.
Stick with the doctor in the freezer.
Go with the guy who likes the curly hair.
You just can't lose. (new reader. i'm smitten)
eHarmony has recruited.. i mean made so many connections of love for our inmates.
curiosity,
I think that's how he ended up in prison in the first place.
matt,
When does he get out? You might consider changing your name.
wreck,
I look smashing in orange.
av,
I've been meaning to ask if you've been working out. Your tongue looks especially svelte lately.
nolff,
As long as they don't go cutting me open to see what's in my heart.
fringes,
Get your own inmates. There are plenty to go around.
spoon,
Like what? I shouldn't expect poetry immediately?
booda,
The word penal makes me laugh and laugh.
tallulah,
He always wants to talk about himself.
jali,
I don't want him to scalp me.
tammy,
You'd better be smitten with me and not my suiters. I swear, I'll tell them where you live.
Thanks for coming by. I don't usually threaten people on their first time here.
mayren,
I wish the prison system would send me email notifications of new inmates.
T,
Just HOW crafty are we talking here, with this crowbar?
OH, NO! Not because I'M interested! HAH!
Okay, yes it's for me.
brilliant brilliant brilliant
One thing to point out about your potential beau, the "salad tossing" hobby he has listed on his profile has nothing to do with anything culinary.
Mist - you don't need to know what the crowbar's for - that's his job - as well as the buying you stuff and adoring you for the goddess you are.
Puss
?"A relationship that makes me feel good and look even better.
"
The best way to accomplish this is to date average-looking chubby guys. They'll treat you like a goddess because they don't want to lose something so good, and you'll always look better than he will.
No need to thank me; that's what I'm here for.
I don't know about this crowbar man. It just seems too typical to me. Crowbar = murder. I think I would try to find another inmate that was a bit more creative. Such as a man who killed his wife with a spork from taco bell. You know that required thought.
andy,
You have to be pretty creative to use a crowbar.
pink,
It would have been brilliant had I mentioned that both prefer anal sex.
furious,
I like mine with fake bacon bits.
puss,
I think I'm falling in like with him. I will write him a letter today. I will not be saving myself for him.
nwjr,
Now accepting applications for average-looking chubby guys. Please note that I will not be available emotionally until spring 2008, however, we can still mess around and of course, gifts are permitted.
pookie,
I bet a spork killer would be really inventive in bed.
released criminals really are the best bet because at least you don't have to worry about other chicks trying to steal your man. good luck!
I would check back regularly, some people go in and then back out quickly, like mebbe a White Collar crime dude. A banker that embezzled millions and sent it to some off shore account that they couldn't find...see where I am going with this? And hazel eyes are a must "Bats hazel eyes at Mist1"
Mist - be very, very choosy....don't settle for just any scumbag for cripse sake!!
You are much too worthy :)
Good luck with your latest venture, Mist1.
My money is on the wife-hacker. Nothing says "I love you" like an axe in the head.
Why are they releasing this man again? Over-crowded prisons in the dirty south?
The first guy was married, so you know that he's willing to commit. Not only that, he knows his way around the kitchen, or the drawers at least.
The second guy could probably get you some really nice gifts, provided that you aren't too particular about whether they're new or not.
It's a toss-up.
-velvet
Careful with that freezing and thawing thingy. He might think you're a tease.
Crafty with a crowbar is absolutely the best option. I don't even know how you could be considering the other guy. OUr approaches to dating, however, are very similar. I too need some time (years) to be a wreck but that doesn't mean that any guy I am interested in should be dating. He should be waiting for me.
And as for your friend in the freezer? I dated a tall handsome doctor with hazel eyes for several years. He was a fuck head. Dump that trash in the gutter.
miztris,
I'd be more concerned about my man stealing...and murdering.
scotts,
I would totally date a guy in a really nice prison. Like a private prison on an island.
meg,
I always settle for scumbags. It's sort of my thing.
alicia,
In prison, as in life, you can only keep a man for so long.
velvet,
See? You understand my dilemma.
cruiser,
He only ever feels lukewarm towards me.
eau,
If you ever feel like rekindling the flame with the doctor, I will send him to you on dry ice.
Cheers to you. Here's hoping you find the perfect inmate. And actually, inmates make the best boyfriends. They don't cheat (at least with girls), they tell you how beautiful you are and how devoted they are to you, and write you long love letters everyday. Plus, you don't actually have to deal with them on a day to day basis. There's all the passionate love without having to wash their underwear.
"crafty with a crowbar"
The 'chick is SO shopping at the wrong craft store. Find out where he's been shopping.
That is why I like you Misti...your such a romantic...
What's not to love about a man that has spent most of him life in the jail-house...
i ~ment~ that you'd be getting shoes not only in the women's department but in the infant's depart too. or did you intentionaly mistake that?! lol
Have you thought about going for an inmate that is allowed conjugal visits? I mean, that might be perfect! You still get laid, but can still be a wreck and not have to deal with his whining about prison and such.
imagine what a spork killer could do with a pair of chop sticks! WEEEEE!
clever,
I don't want an inmate. I've had that. I want a released inmate.
chick,
Hobby Lobby.
evil,
How difficult can it be to wave around a crowbar?
tellin',
Don't let it get out that I have a softer side. I have reputation to think of.
heather,
I'm so hopped up on birth control pills, I think my ovaries fell out a long time ago. I didn't even know there was an infant shoe department.
pookie,
No prison sex for me. Just post release sex.
Why are they paroling a guy who stabbed his wife 78 times?
I'm sure he's a lovely person, artistic and charming, but shouldn't he be in the deep freeze for the rest of his life instead of the hazel-eyed doctor?
What am I mist-ing?
I think that everyone is selling the artist / kitchen-utensil-user short. The guy has ingenuity, which probably means that he's a tiger in the sack.
(okay, maybe I just wanted to use the phrase "tiger in the sack")
Lucky girl! You have so many opportunities ahead of you.
hearts,
He's done his time. He's ready to be a contributing member of society. You are so judgmental. Just because someone gets a little carried away with a knife...sheesh.
mystery,
You should rename your blog. Call it Tiger in the Sack. I will call mine Guerrillas in the Mist. Everyone will talk about how clever we are.
olives,
I am used to being the envy of everyone I know.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say go with the stabber. Look, chances are he already got the killing thing out of his system. Plus, she probably did something to deserve it. He likes holding hands. Where are you gonna find a treasure like that again?
I used to be into the even number thingee too, then I learned that some people actually changed the calendar in the Middle Ages when they found out about leap years and that threw everything off. Forever. So, screw the even numbers. They're actually odd.
I just want to date someone who A. has legs or B. doesn't pee on themselves
Acrobatic sex requires a lot of lubricant so I say thaw out the doctor. You don't want to walk funny afterwards (in the bad/pained way).
by 2008, basic inmates who kill wives will be so yesterday, don't limit yourself, expand your search to include the criminally insane. If you are lucky you can find one with a split personality and get 2 criminals for the price of one.
I'd go with the kitchen utensil guy that stabbed his wife, 'cause you don't cook, so you don't HAVE utensils, right? You're safe!!
oh so many choices. Go for the crowbar.
who knows what will happen b/n now and 2008 - the perfect mate might just jump out from behind some bush at the park..or come to your house with that crowbar. Your options are endless.
I'd go with the guy who killed his wife with a kitchen utensil...you never know when I guy like that could come in handy...
hey mist how do you feel about a guy that's been out a year? cause i know someone i can hook you up with. then we'd even be related! let me know, and hopefully your electricity won't go out too often.
smiles, bee
mist...i found you on jestertunes..he is a good friend of mine and suggested that i read you when i told him i was having trouble finding someone worth reading..you definatly have some good stuff here and i will be back for more...question...how in the heck do you get so many comments on your blog?????later...Tanjua
just remember that 8 out of 10 convicts commit the same crime that got them incarcerated after they've been released.
chew on it for a minute.... ;)
teeheee...
see i am just making the men try and get me their sperm in good shape and form across the country - whoever wins gets to keep me! What a prize I'm tellin ya...
spring is a time for new beginings
however, both of my breakups have been in the spring
Its also a time for endings
Hope you chose the right inmate.
ung,
I think a little stabbing sexy. Multiple times is just excessive.
edgy,
Now I'm all confused. How many fingers and toes do I have?
dallas,
How about a one legged guy that would like to pee on you?
c,
Lubricant? Why didn't I think of that?
es,
I can't manage two men. Maybe three personalities so that two of them can hang out while I'm spending time with the other one.
Thanks for coming by.
tug,
I have utensils. I have a corkscrew.
pink,
You make it sound so simple.
beth,
I will have to keep lots of stuff that he can cut in the house. I mean, besides me.
bee,
I'll be like the daughter you never wanted to have. You will have so much in common with my parents.
tanj,
I pay people to comment. It validates me. Where should I send the check?
Thanks for coming by.
kiyotoe,
8 out of 10 convicts leaves 2.
nofear,
Any man that can send his sperm across the country is a keeper. I knew a guy that could send it about 9 feet.
tkk,
I will try not to date you in the spring. It's not your time.
you need someone with experience. mass murder is the one to look for. conjigal think of it. you ... him... in a small stained trailor. romance. ;p
I wonder if that is better than being set up by my divorce attorney with her long term boyfriend's business partner.
i think the guy with the crowbar will be able to get you lots of nice things!
yasamin,
I don't want a mass murderer. I want a one woman kind of guy.
junk,
No. Really?
claudia,
Everyone seems to like him best. You haven't seen his picture.
Awfully crafty with a crowbar? I'm in love.
maiden,
Always trying to move in on my thing. Damn. We're going to have to fight.
Inmate.... release date. You are funny! LOL. You know what they say, when you least expect it....
chicky,
They say a lot of things. I rarely listen to them.
Thanks for coming by.
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