To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, February 26, 2007

Ask Mist


When Sue calls me for advice, I wonder what she is thinking. Then, I remember that she is my friend because she is stunning, not because of her cranial capacity.

Last weekend, we were in constant communication. I had the opportunity to dispense my valuable advice and vast knowledge on an array of subjects, like what to do when the police are behind you and you think your taillights might be out. "Hang up the phone and don't call me collect later," I told her.

On Saturday, she called me from the pet store; she was shopping for Butterz, her puppy.

Sue: "Is it wrong to get Butterz a toy that looks like a dick?"

Mist: "Kind of. You've gotta think, do you want people to come over and see it on your living room floor? Does it squeak?"

Sue: "Yeah, but it's not too annoying. I could probably take the squeaky thing out."

Mist: "How big is it?"

Sue: "It's like Brain."

Mist: "Brain?"

Then, I remembered Brain. Everyone I know has dated Brain at some point. He dresses well and always smells good. He's charming and he can sing. His biggest weakness is his dyslexia.

I wonder how Brian is doing.

Mist 1

PS: For more of my valuable advice on relationships, check out Road Chick today. I was part of a specially selected (read: I agreed to it) panel. Also, Cardiac Fantasies has a male panel today.


80 Comments:

At 9:09 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

I'm trying to figure out what kind of squeaky toy looks like a dick.

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm trying to figure out how big Brain's dick is.

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I'm trying to figure out if anyone took a squeaky thing out of Brain's dick.

 
At 10:13 PM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

Oh that's hurts my brain.

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger SQT said...

Dear God I hope the dog didn't play with Brain's dick.

 
At 11:26 PM, Anonymous Bice said...

Brian's a dick? I thought you said he was he was nice?

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger slaghammer said...

Excuse me for a moment while I ride your coattail. (Clears throat) My friend Enis has attention deficit disorder. Ok, I’m done now.

 
At 12:38 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Brain? Brian? He might be dyslexic, but I'm confused.

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

My dick squeaks.

But then, you know that.

 
At 2:00 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

The loving wife got our dog a toy that was supposed to look like a bone but looked exactly like a white dildo to me. Everytime she ran with it in her mouth it would stick in the carpet, stand up and she(the dog)would gag herself.

 
At 2:24 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I think I missed something.

:|

 
At 3:11 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

All of my dog's stuff looks like a mangled dick. Even if it doesn't when I buy it, she manages to chew it into a dick-shape eventually.

 
At 4:20 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

It might be a bad thing if Brain stops by to visit Sue after Butterz gets attached to the toy. Talking about making someone squeak....

 
At 4:31 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! Okay, that post was funny...but some of these comments are hilarious too! I just spilled my morning coffee all over my desk laughing at these comments! ;p

PS. My dog has a toy that is supposed to look like a bone...but it looks like a dick. Is it wrong that my dog likes to suck it and sleep with it in his mouth? I repeat, HIS mouth.

 
At 4:56 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Comparing dog toys to dyslexic dates ... where will we go next?

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger K said...

you know, i feel better that i am not the only one that leaves toys all over the living room. i was beginning to think i was weird.

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I would take your advice with a cup of salt.

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kevin,

I think you can use your imagination on this one.

brooke,

Brain's brain is pretty nice.

jocelyn,

That's rather personal. I'll ask Brain.

curiosity,

You play with your brain when you read my blog? Really?

sqt,

Like I said, everyone I know has dated Brain.

bice,

He's so much more than a dick. But, it is one of his better features.

slag,

I just couldn't take anyone with the name Enis seriously. I would always be calling him Penis.

lizza,

You and Brain really should meet.

fab,

I thought you were going to take the noisy thing out.

blitz,

Gotta work on that gag reflex.

orhan,

You must know Brain.

choo,

There's a scientific study in there somewhere.

crow,

There's very little chance that Brain will be able to find her house. He always goes to the wrong address.

chrissy,

I am so confused. You're toy looks like a dog toy? Your dog uses your toy? It's too early for me.

icl,

You should meet my dyslexic friend naeS.

k,

Hon, everyone has toys in the living room.

av,

Feel free to ask me for advice anytime. You might want to watch your blood pressure.

 
At 5:43 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

That reminds me of a good joke I recently heard. have you ever heard about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

Ahhhh Brain..

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger frannie said...

I don't think his biggest weakness is dyslexia... I think it is women, if everyone you know has dated him.

 
At 6:19 AM, Blogger Fairmaiden327 said...

Excellent. As an aside, if you see one of those, pick me up one. I'll take out the squeaky thing myself.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

They make dog toys that look like dicks?

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger MJ said...

Aww Brian… a bit on the smaller side of things ….But he sure was a nice guy

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Nothing wrong with a little squeaking if you ask me...

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Matt said...

In 31 years, a human being has yet to ask me for advice.

I must do as you, surrounding myself with yes-men.

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Odat said...

Everyone needs a lil Brain now and then.
Peace

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger het said...

oh my, paranoid here
how come I havent met brain ?

 
At 7:15 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Perhaps you should start your own advice blog. It could be like "Loveline" on acid.

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

**note to self: no squeeky toys in the bed

smiles, bee

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

both my brian and dick squeek with a tenacity unforeseen by duckkind

 
At 7:53 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I have a question for you, Mist. Is "brain" a slightly newish euphamism for getting a blow job? Kind of like "head," but with a 21st century spin?

Or am I making that up? Sometimes I do that--just assign words new meanings, and then I forget to tell the people who live outside of my head.

"By the way, 'salt truck' now means that your ass is fat. Like, 'Check out her salt truck.'"

I have no idea how I function sometimes.

 
At 8:01 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Ha..."salt truck". I might have to use that. It's not copyrighted yet is it?

"Brain" has had both of you girls?

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

wreck,

I don't get it.

ariel,

You dated him too?

frannie,

I think our biggest weakness was Brian.

maiden,

Why are you always trying to get a piece of my action?

nolff,

They make everything for dogs. Nice to meet you , by the way.

mj,

I don't even remember if he was nice. I just remember that he smelled good.

spoon,

What will the neighbors think?

matt,

I rely on you for advice all the time. You know some really good beers.

odat,

So true.

het,

I'll give you his number. He'd never be able to dial yours correctly.

qofd,

When I think advice column, I think Ann and Abby. When I think Ann and Abby, I think dinosaur. I want to remain fresh.

bee,

That's a good first rule. There are lots of other good rules in bed. My favorite rule is: Me First.

furious,

You have a Brian?

123,

I have been diving for brains before.

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

slick,

Not at the same time. He'd be too confused.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

I would've had two questions:
1. Does it look like a dog dick or a human dick?
2. Do you really want Butterz getting herself off in the house?

Those seem like big distinctions to me. I'm not sure why though?

Play with it,

Dagromm

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I was always well-disposed towards Sue - we can't all be Einstein. But calling a dog Butterz? The woman needs a dictionary. Or more than Brian's dick.

Puss

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dagromm,

That whole "play with it part" made me squirm uncomfortably for a second. For some reason the dog dick part didn't.

puss,

She can't work her way around a dictionary. I said she's stunning, not literate.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

I'm just glad I'm not the only one who spends Saturday afternoons at Petsmart.

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

My advice for your friend?
Buy toy.
Keep squeaker.
Add Peanut Butter.
Take video of said dog going to town on peanut buttered dick toy.
Post on Youtube.
Become instantly famous.
Lose dog to PETA tomorrow.

Now she won't have to call you for stupid dog toy advice.

Just sayin'.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger jali said...

I want my own squeeky toy.

C'mon Mist - get me one and bring it to poetry night... 'K?

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

Oh ya...okay...brain. That clears everything up. :)

Steve~

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

Did you see Sue there? She was the one with the dumb, yet aroused look on her face.

alicia,

Creamy not crunchy peanut butter.

jali,

I can't bring that to your poetry night. The Lesbians would ambush me in the parking lot. Again.

steven,

I see you know Brain too.

 
At 10:52 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

From now on, Mist, you're the first person on my go to list for advice! :P

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Butchieboy said...

Nolff said that you were hot, so I came to see, but I can't find any pictures.

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Stan Mackey said...

Mist, as usual, enjoyed your wit and writing style. Have to say as others have mentioned when you write on the 'naughty' topics, the readers comments are a coffee spewing delight as well.

 
At 11:24 AM, Anonymous chrissy121875 said...

LOL! Okay, I got confused and had to read my comment again! LOL!!! Love Alicia's comment. I think more people should post stupid videos on YouTube!! Instant fame! Hey, maybe you should have posted a video of the midget firefighter humping your leg...

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kristyn,

I am used to being the voice of reason. Ask me anything. Anytime. The first time is free.

butchie,

Am ridiculously cute. Must be VIP to see The Face.

Thanks for coming by.

stan,

What's naughty about dyslexia and dog toys?

chrissy,

I am still trying to suffer a major head trauma in hopes of knocking that memory out of my brian. Er, brain.

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Roadchick said...

In Otherworld Jeopardy, the category is: What Roadchick says after crappy phone sex. . .

"Hang up the phone and don't call me collect later,"

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Don't get the dog a dick-shaped toy. He may start to think male visitors are carrying a chew toy in their pockets.

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chick,

I'll take Crappy Phone Sex for $400 please.

james,

Aren't they? I may have to rethink my approach.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Lee said...

So does Sue hate Brain and wants to see dog chewing on his wee? Or does Sue miss Brain and wants his wee lying around the house for nostalgic reasons?

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

Brian looks like a dick? How did he get so many girlfriends?

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

I am sure that Sue has no clue. I think she thought, "hey, this looks like a dick!" and then she was overcome by the white noise again.

darlene,

I'm telling you, the man smells really, really good.

 
At 1:13 PM, Blogger weatherchazer said...

Disturbing...dog toys that look like dicks. If the dog wants a dick toy, she can have my husband. He's a walking one she could chase. :)

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger Library Mama said...

So, I figure Sue should go for it with the dog toy. That way, next time Brian/Brain visits, Butterz can help him with his dyslexic agnostic questions (ie: Is there really a dog?).

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

weather,

I'm not sure who wants a dick toy more.

library,

Butterz is busy teaching Sue how to read. Then she'll help Brain ponder the existence of dog.

 
At 2:07 PM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

I dated Brain too but that was befor ehe got help with his dyslexia..then he was known as Rbani...

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

it sounds like karaoke could make for an interesting date with Brain. ;)

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

You do doog things rof people.

miztris,

I have to call him. That's too good to resist.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Dog toys that look like male parts? OH I would sooooo buy that and have it out anytime someone came over hehehe

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

I'm kinda wondering what a "male panel" looks like.

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

my mom always said not to give our dog old shoes as chew toys because he might start chewing on our new shoes.....

your friend might want to rethink buying a dick shaped squeaky toy if she ever plans on having a love life.

 
At 4:55 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

oooooh - I may have dated Brain before too. Was this toy about thumb size?

btw - great answers at the Road Chick.

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1
Did I leave my Brain at your place?

 
At 6:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

I hope you have a camera ready.

crank,

I'd think you would know. Come out with me next weekend, I'll get the guys to show you.

pink,

Gawd, I hate her pseudo boyfriend. I'm going to tell her to get the toy.

karmyn,

Brain gets around.

0,

I think it's in the couch cushions.

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

My recco: do not buy a dog boy which looks like your BOB....you may in the end get the two confused.

 
At 7:02 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'd like to come here for advice! Feel like dispensing some?

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

I think her B.O.B. looks like a rubber steak. It should be okay.

lbb,

Anytime. What's on your mind? More importantly, what kind of insurance do you have?

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

So did she get the toy or not? I NEED TO KNOW!!

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I think it would freak me out too much seeing a replica of a male's anatomy being used as my dog's chew toy...ouch!!

 
At 8:25 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Thank you, mist. Insightfull as ever you are. I shall bow to your common sense (as I seem to have misplaced mine for a bit there). On your advice, I will be endeavouring to make some changes. You are absolutely right; It is MY 100th, and I'll do it my way.

Thanks for the slap.

{{{hugs}}}

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

The last thing I want to see is dog chewing one some guy's dick.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dorky,

I'll give Sue your number. Maybe she'll call you with the mundane moments of her life instead of me.

michael,

Do you squeak?

arthur,

I'm pretty good at slapping. I'm also good at spanking. Call me.

jack,

Everyone's entitled to their opinions here.

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

A full day later and I still can't think of a comment other than to say that this is funny.

I must have comment block.

-velvet

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

well if she's going to buy that... she's going to hav to buy the jingly balls to go with it.

my mom's dyslexic.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Mercy's Maid said...

Wow, this is uncanny. I have a dog named Butter and I didn't realize until AFTER the bug guy left the other day that her rawhide bone in the middle of the living room floor had been chewed into a shape resembling...an...apparatus of some sort.

What a coincidence!

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

At least you showed up.

yasamin,

Jiggly or jingly?

mercy,

This post was about you. I thought calling you "Sue" would throw people off.

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Mercy's Maid said...

Well, if I = Sue, at least I'm deliciously beautiful if not intelligent!

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

mercy,

Intelligence is overrated. Delicious beauty is not.

 

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