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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.
Ask Mist
 When Sue calls me for advice, I wonder what she is thinking. Then, I remember that she is my friend because she is stunning, not because of her cranial capacity.
Last weekend, we were in constant communication. I had the opportunity to dispense my valuable advice and vast knowledge on an array of subjects, like what to do when the police are behind you and you think your taillights might be out. "Hang up the phone and don't call me collect later," I told her.
On Saturday, she called me from the pet store; she was shopping for Butterz, her puppy.
Sue: "Is it wrong to get Butterz a toy that looks like a dick?"
Mist: "Kind of. You've gotta think, do you want people to come over and see it on your living room floor? Does it squeak?"
Sue: "Yeah, but it's not too annoying. I could probably take the squeaky thing out."
Mist: "How big is it?"
Sue: "It's like Brain."
Mist: "Brain?"
Then, I remembered Brain. Everyone I know has dated Brain at some point. He dresses well and always smells good. He's charming and he can sing. His biggest weakness is his dyslexia.
I wonder how Brian is doing.
Mist 1
PS: For more of my valuable advice on relationships, check out Road Chick today. I was part of a specially selected (read: I agreed to it) panel. Also, Cardiac Fantasies has a male panel today.
"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut
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Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA
Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.
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When Sue calls me for advice, I wonder what she is thinking. Then, I remember that she is my friend because she is stunning, not because of her cranial capacity.
68 Comments:
Oh that's hurts my brain.
Excuse me for a moment while I ride your coattail. (Clears throat) My friend Enis has attention deficit disorder. Ok, I’m done now.
Brain? Brian? He might be dyslexic, but I'm confused.
The loving wife got our dog a toy that was supposed to look like a bone but looked exactly like a white dildo to me. Everytime she ran with it in her mouth it would stick in the carpet, stand up and she(the dog)would gag herself.
I think I missed something.
:|
All of my dog's stuff looks like a mangled dick. Even if it doesn't when I buy it, she manages to chew it into a dick-shape eventually.
It might be a bad thing if Brain stops by to visit Sue after Butterz gets attached to the toy. Talking about making someone squeak....
LOL! Okay, that post was funny...but some of these comments are hilarious too! I just spilled my morning coffee all over my desk laughing at these comments! ;p
PS. My dog has a toy that is supposed to look like a bone...but it looks like a dick. Is it wrong that my dog likes to suck it and sleep with it in his mouth? I repeat, HIS mouth.
Comparing dog toys to dyslexic dates ... where will we go next?
you know, i feel better that i am not the only one that leaves toys all over the living room. i was beginning to think i was weird.
I would take your advice with a cup of salt.
kevin,
I think you can use your imagination on this one.
brooke,
Brain's brain is pretty nice.
jocelyn,
That's rather personal. I'll ask Brain.
curiosity,
You play with your brain when you read my blog? Really?
sqt,
Like I said, everyone I know has dated Brain.
bice,
He's so much more than a dick. But, it is one of his better features.
slag,
I just couldn't take anyone with the name Enis seriously. I would always be calling him Penis.
lizza,
You and Brain really should meet.
fab,
I thought you were going to take the noisy thing out.
blitz,
Gotta work on that gag reflex.
orhan,
You must know Brain.
choo,
There's a scientific study in there somewhere.
crow,
There's very little chance that Brain will be able to find her house. He always goes to the wrong address.
chrissy,
I am so confused. You're toy looks like a dog toy? Your dog uses your toy? It's too early for me.
icl,
You should meet my dyslexic friend naeS.
k,
Hon, everyone has toys in the living room.
av,
Feel free to ask me for advice anytime. You might want to watch your blood pressure.
That reminds me of a good joke I recently heard. have you ever heard about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
Ahhhh Brain..
I don't think his biggest weakness is dyslexia... I think it is women, if everyone you know has dated him.
Excellent. As an aside, if you see one of those, pick me up one. I'll take out the squeaky thing myself.
Aww Brian… a bit on the smaller side of things ….But he sure was a nice guy
Nothing wrong with a little squeaking if you ask me...
In 31 years, a human being has yet to ask me for advice.
I must do as you, surrounding myself with yes-men.
Everyone needs a lil Brain now and then.
Peace
oh my, paranoid here
how come I havent met brain ?
**note to self: no squeeky toys in the bed
smiles, bee
both my brian and dick squeek with a tenacity unforeseen by duckkind
I have a question for you, Mist. Is "brain" a slightly newish euphamism for getting a blow job? Kind of like "head," but with a 21st century spin?
Or am I making that up? Sometimes I do that--just assign words new meanings, and then I forget to tell the people who live outside of my head.
"By the way, 'salt truck' now means that your ass is fat. Like, 'Check out her salt truck.'"
I have no idea how I function sometimes.
Ha..."salt truck". I might have to use that. It's not copyrighted yet is it?
"Brain" has had both of you girls?
wreck,
I don't get it.
ariel,
You dated him too?
frannie,
I think our biggest weakness was Brian.
maiden,
Why are you always trying to get a piece of my action?
nolff,
They make everything for dogs. Nice to meet you , by the way.
mj,
I don't even remember if he was nice. I just remember that he smelled good.
spoon,
What will the neighbors think?
matt,
I rely on you for advice all the time. You know some really good beers.
odat,
So true.
het,
I'll give you his number. He'd never be able to dial yours correctly.
qofd,
When I think advice column, I think Ann and Abby. When I think Ann and Abby, I think dinosaur. I want to remain fresh.
bee,
That's a good first rule. There are lots of other good rules in bed. My favorite rule is: Me First.
furious,
You have a Brian?
123,
I have been diving for brains before.
slick,
Not at the same time. He'd be too confused.
I would've had two questions:
1. Does it look like a dog dick or a human dick?
2. Do you really want Butterz getting herself off in the house?
Those seem like big distinctions to me. I'm not sure why though?
Play with it,
Dagromm
dagromm,
That whole "play with it part" made me squirm uncomfortably for a second. For some reason the dog dick part didn't.
puss,
She can't work her way around a dictionary. I said she's stunning, not literate.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who spends Saturday afternoons at Petsmart.
My advice for your friend?
Buy toy.
Keep squeaker.
Add Peanut Butter.
Take video of said dog going to town on peanut buttered dick toy.
Post on Youtube.
Become instantly famous.
Lose dog to PETA tomorrow.
Now she won't have to call you for stupid dog toy advice.
Just sayin'.
I want my own squeeky toy.
C'mon Mist - get me one and bring it to poetry night... 'K?
Oh ya...okay...brain. That clears everything up. :)
Steve~
kelley,
Did you see Sue there? She was the one with the dumb, yet aroused look on her face.
alicia,
Creamy not crunchy peanut butter.
jali,
I can't bring that to your poetry night. The Lesbians would ambush me in the parking lot. Again.
steven,
I see you know Brain too.
From now on, Mist, you're the first person on my go to list for advice! :P
Nolff said that you were hot, so I came to see, but I can't find any pictures.
Mist, as usual, enjoyed your wit and writing style. Have to say as others have mentioned when you write on the 'naughty' topics, the readers comments are a coffee spewing delight as well.
LOL! Okay, I got confused and had to read my comment again! LOL!!! Love Alicia's comment. I think more people should post stupid videos on YouTube!! Instant fame! Hey, maybe you should have posted a video of the midget firefighter humping your leg...
kristyn,
I am used to being the voice of reason. Ask me anything. Anytime. The first time is free.
butchie,
Am ridiculously cute. Must be VIP to see The Face.
Thanks for coming by.
stan,
What's naughty about dyslexia and dog toys?
chrissy,
I am still trying to suffer a major head trauma in hopes of knocking that memory out of my brian. Er, brain.
In Otherworld Jeopardy, the category is: What Roadchick says after crappy phone sex. . .
"Hang up the phone and don't call me collect later,"
Don't get the dog a dick-shaped toy. He may start to think male visitors are carrying a chew toy in their pockets.
chick,
I'll take Crappy Phone Sex for $400 please.
james,
Aren't they? I may have to rethink my approach.
So does Sue hate Brain and wants to see dog chewing on his wee? Or does Sue miss Brain and wants his wee lying around the house for nostalgic reasons?
lee,
I am sure that Sue has no clue. I think she thought, "hey, this looks like a dick!" and then she was overcome by the white noise again.
darlene,
I'm telling you, the man smells really, really good.
So, I figure Sue should go for it with the dog toy. That way, next time Brian/Brain visits, Butterz can help him with his dyslexic agnostic questions (ie: Is there really a dog?).
weather,
I'm not sure who wants a dick toy more.
library,
Butterz is busy teaching Sue how to read. Then she'll help Brain ponder the existence of dog.
I dated Brain too but that was befor ehe got help with his dyslexia..then he was known as Rbani...
it sounds like karaoke could make for an interesting date with Brain. ;)
dallas,
You do doog things rof people.
miztris,
I have to call him. That's too good to resist.
Dog toys that look like male parts? OH I would sooooo buy that and have it out anytime someone came over hehehe
I'm kinda wondering what a "male panel" looks like.
my mom always said not to give our dog old shoes as chew toys because he might start chewing on our new shoes.....
your friend might want to rethink buying a dick shaped squeaky toy if she ever plans on having a love life.
oooooh - I may have dated Brain before too. Was this toy about thumb size?
btw - great answers at the Road Chick.
1
Did I leave my Brain at your place?
cheeky,
I hope you have a camera ready.
crank,
I'd think you would know. Come out with me next weekend, I'll get the guys to show you.
pink,
Gawd, I hate her pseudo boyfriend. I'm going to tell her to get the toy.
karmyn,
Brain gets around.
0,
I think it's in the couch cushions.
My recco: do not buy a dog boy which looks like your BOB....you may in the end get the two confused.
I'd like to come here for advice! Feel like dispensing some?
nofear,
I think her B.O.B. looks like a rubber steak. It should be okay.
lbb,
Anytime. What's on your mind? More importantly, what kind of insurance do you have?
So did she get the toy or not? I NEED TO KNOW!!
I think it would freak me out too much seeing a replica of a male's anatomy being used as my dog's chew toy...ouch!!
Thank you, mist. Insightfull as ever you are. I shall bow to your common sense (as I seem to have misplaced mine for a bit there). On your advice, I will be endeavouring to make some changes. You are absolutely right; It is MY 100th, and I'll do it my way.
Thanks for the slap.
{{{hugs}}}
dorky,
I'll give Sue your number. Maybe she'll call you with the mundane moments of her life instead of me.
michael,
Do you squeak?
arthur,
I'm pretty good at slapping. I'm also good at spanking. Call me.
jack,
Everyone's entitled to their opinions here.
A full day later and I still can't think of a comment other than to say that this is funny.
I must have comment block.
-velvet
well if she's going to buy that... she's going to hav to buy the jingly balls to go with it.
my mom's dyslexic.
Wow, this is uncanny. I have a dog named Butter and I didn't realize until AFTER the bug guy left the other day that her rawhide bone in the middle of the living room floor had been chewed into a shape resembling...an...apparatus of some sort.
What a coincidence!
velvet,
At least you showed up.
yasamin,
Jiggly or jingly?
mercy,
This post was about you. I thought calling you "Sue" would throw people off.
Well, if I = Sue, at least I'm deliciously beautiful if not intelligent!
mercy,
Intelligence is overrated. Delicious beauty is not.
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