To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

Head Shop


I own seven different kinds of eye cream. I wasn't an attractive kid and I am trying to maximize this newfound cuteness for as long as I can. I practice smiling in the mirror without using the upper portion of my face. If I can learn to isolate those muscles, I will save thousands on future Botox treatments.

Sue (my stunningly beautiful yet painfully dumb friend) and I were comparing our skin. Sue has noticed that she has a wrinkle under her left eye. When she tans, she takes the time to arrange the skin on her face so that she doesn't get an unsightly untanned line in the crease. So far, this system has worked really well for her.

I told her that we would only be able to hang onto our youth for a few more years and that she had better invest in a few good eye creams. I was going to tell her that 50 is the new 20 and 20 is the new in vitro, but I didn't want to confuse her with all the math. Instead, I told her that I was going to have to quit smoking if I wanted to preserve my elasticity. Sue agreed with me. She said, "that's why I'm getting that marijuana vaporizer."

The vaporizer is called the Vapir 1. That makes me like it even more. I want one. Mist 1's Vapir 1 sounds cool to me. I asked her how it works. "I don't know. I was f*cking high. That's how good it was. I think I even humped it before I left JonJon's."

When she buys it, I'm going to see if it will vaporize my Marlboro Ultra Lights. I will continue to use my eye cream.

Mist 1
(a.k.a. Vapir 1)

P.S. Matty, that link is for you.


79 Comments:

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I vaporized a burrito in the microwave once...it smoked for quite a while.

Sorry, that's all I can come up with. Sometimes your posts are too good to even try to come up with something to say.
;-)

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Girl, Dislocated said...

I clicked on the link that was for Matty. Was that bad?

 
At 12:30 AM, Blogger Doc said...

You will share the instructional DVD, won't you?

 
At 1:49 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Haha! What will they come up with next? Tell us if it does vaporize your ciggies.

 
At 2:53 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I once vaporised some hash browns in my microwave - the house was arrested for illegal possession. I was left homeless.

 
At 4:08 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

You don't need one of those gizmos, you just need to frequent the right bars.

Puss

 
At 4:49 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

What, oxygen salons not doing it for ya anymore?

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Maybe that's what happened to me. I was vaporized in a microwave and now I smoke.

girl,

You'll have to ask Matty how he feels about that.

doc,

Surely, you must be able to tell that I'm not the kind of girl who follows directions.

lizza,

I wonder about the people who invent these things.

archie,

Mmmmm....hash (browns).

puss,

I am apparently frequenting the wrong places.

icl,

You know, that never really took off here. Now, if I want to get doped up on oxygen, I have to hope that the cabin pressure in a plane drops.

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

that girl on the front of that marijuana vaporizer website has a frickin huge belt on, she must have really heavy pants...maybe those are deep sea diving pants

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'm concerned that she knows someone named JonJon.

 
At 5:48 AM, Blogger frannie said...

I had a two barreled, three chamber bong named big bertha, once. good times....

 
At 5:52 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I had one of those, but all it did was make me laugh my ass off hysterically for hours and eat everything in the house. Hell, I put on 35 pounds...

Got any twinkies?

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger That's one clever little bitch! said...

I refuse to have friends that are better looking than me.

 
At 6:08 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

well it's like i always say, eat some chocolate and gain a few pounds, the wrinkles magically slide away. of course now that i am old the flaw in this has shown up i must admit. but it's good for awhile! smiles, bee

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

Better hurry; today's the final day to take advantage of their 20% discount.

I love how the website depicts a bunch of 20-somethings hand-in-hand in a grassy field, and then it describes the "medical benefits". Maybe they're holding hands so they won't get lost? Because they're all blind from the cataracts?

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger Tug said...

mmm...Medical, yeah. That's it. heh heh

 
At 6:23 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

kelley has a point. Wrinkles do qualify as a medical condition, right?

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

I heard that queen whats-her-name of some-place-or-other drank her own pee-pee, and that made her stay young forever. Then again, I think she kinda died of insanity at an early age...

 
At 6:46 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

I never wear pants when I'm diving.

av,

Everyone knows JonJon.

frannie,

This is supposed to be soooo much better. No wastage.

ranger,

What made you laugh so hard? Does it tell jokes? Does it have a laugh track, or is that optional?

clever,

All my friends are stunning. I bask in their beauty.

bee,

I've tried that technique. Who knew that emaciation aged a girl?

kelley,

I thought that was funny too.

tug,

Are you afflicted?

slick,

I'm calling my insurance company.

choo,

My pee is mostly wine.

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

I use to have a vaporozer. It's like inhaling steam. I wonder what happened to it.

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger Reba said...

I am totally innocent to this subject. Maybe I should try it so I know what the big deal is.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

Marlboro Ultra lights???
in a box i suppose too?

Sheesh since that is practically breathing air thru a stuffed up straw you should just QUIT.

:)

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I use melanin.

 
At 7:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

Did you put your vaporizer in your other vaporizer?

reba,

Sure, Reba. Me too.

mayren,

I take them out of the box and put them in a really cute red croc case. I smoke for the accessories.

fringes,

I have a cucumber melanin scented candle.

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Thanks for the link, Mist1. Since before Tommy Chung's unfortunate incarceration, I have been in the market for a pot vaporizer.

It seems my marijauna hack is out of place at the gym.

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You truly are biracial, Mist1. Otherwise, you'd smoke menthols.

But Marlboro ULTRA Lights? What're ya, a pussy?

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Order today, they're on sale. Now, I have to go buy a pack of something without a filter just to prove to you that I'm no pussy.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You should label your pleasure devices clearly to avoid confusion.

One is a VAPORIZER.

The other is a VIBRATOR.

You don't want to get... burnt.

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Kristi Mantoni said...

Great post as always. I think the lines around my mouth have always concerned me the most about smoking (Avon's coming out with something for that as well as the new eye cream). Everyone knows cigs can kill you but so can everything else in this world! Did you hear about the lady that died from drinking too much water? Didn't think that was possible!

Thanks for stopping by my WAY too long blog today!!

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Good thought. I don't want to get vaporized.

kristi,

I have an Avon gel that has some kind of magical powder in it that makes even the slightest hint of a dark circle (from staying up to late reading blogs) disappear.

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger huberama said...

just two thoughts, really... one, i didn't know i should be trying to arrange the skin on my face. quite frankly, the thought kind of scares me. and two, marijuana vaporizers? seriously, i clearly had far too sheltered a childhood.

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

I need that avon eye cream mentioned above.

I really don't need a vaporizer. I call it stepping out onto the deck at the bar.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger you'dneverguess said...

Vaporizers are very cool actually, for herb smokers. There is no waste because it only heats the bud, it doesn't burn it with a flame. I don't know about cigarettes though. Have you tried Egyptian tobacco? That would probably work. I really enjoy reading your posts every day!

 
At 9:30 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

A vaporizer? Clearly it has been way too long since I've smoked pot.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

hube,

Sue explained that she pulls the skin down slightly. I didn't tell her that's probably what's causing the wrinkles.

ariel,

I can't remember the name of it and I'm too lazy to run upstairs to check.

yng,

I haven't smoked pot in years. I'm already paranoid. Still, I want to use the vaporizer.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

chef,

That's what I said, exactly.

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger SQT said...

So I guess it's like a high tech bong? What'll these kids think of next?

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

you should move to california. marijuana is practically legal here. It was the highest profiting crop in 2006. The fact that they called it a crop means its practically legal.

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

sqt,

Seriously. Kids these days.

pink,

I don't suppose you work for the Visitor's and Convention Bureau, do you?

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

*sigh*

I'd get Vapir 1 but it's too late for me....

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

It might be magical. We won't know until we try.

 
At 11:07 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Is this like facial steam that gets you bonked out? And I thought it was impressive that my face mask "gently warmed." Far out.

If Sue's really interested in a machine she can hump, I'm sure we can steer her in a better direction, though.

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I'm trying to ignore aging. Unfortunately, it's not ignoring me.

-velvet

(I chose to blog about it a few days ago instead. Maybe it'll get mad at me and get out of my face for a while. ;) )

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Is this some evil plot to overthrow Oil of Olay??

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger you'dneverguess said...

I'm sorry, but I've got to explain how a vaporizer works, just so you all know. It's essentially a hot plate with tubes attached whereby you smoke the contents inside. Rather than applying a lighter, which burns the weed and destroys the THC (I should say degrades the THC), the vaporizer heats the weed on a hot plate. This method preserves the THC providing the user with a cleaner and more potent hit. Unlike bongs and other water pipes, it does not require water.
And I get what you mean about the paranoia thing Mist. If you're already that way, smoking won't help.

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

I just got a new humping machine.

velvet,

I've been attentive to my aging, it doesn't matter whether you pay attention to it or ignore it. It still happens.

ctw,

I hope they don't sue me.

yng,

You had to get all scientifical on me, didn't you? What else can be vaporized in this device? Can I put in my ex?

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I was going to comment, but I see an interesting post below. Hold on...

Yep, the vibrator story was more interesting. Sorry about the thing breaking.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

lbb,

Well, of course a vibrator trumps a vaporizer. But how many days in a row can I blog about my vibrator?

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger Mr Shife said...

All this marijuana talk has given your word verification tool the munchies. My word was HUNGRR.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

oh my god. ;p i cant even think past the marijuana vaporizer.

 
At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

Wow. What will they think of next? jnxckk

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Shit Mist - can I come over and try it too??? PLEAAASSSEE.

(its not above me to beg!)

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger you'dneverguess said...

Mist, I'm not sure about your ex. To do that would require the use of the miniaturizing device that shrunk Mike TV in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. If you could use that to shrink the ex, we'd be getting somewhere.
Seriously though, if you've never smoked Egyptian tobacco, I highly recommend it. It comes in a variety of flavors and it does induce relaxation, but doesn't get you high. We usually smoke it out of a hookah.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Roadchick said...

So, not having looked at the link, let the 'chick take a guess at this.

A little kid is sick, so you put a vaporizer in their room.

A stoner is sober, so you put a vaporizer in their room.

What a BRILLIANT idea!

The 'chick would've never seen her ex again. He'd still be at the house she moved out of 5 years ago. He wouldn't have even noticed! No need for costly divorce - get a Vapir 1!

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

I am remaining 25 yrs. old for the rest of my natural born life...I wear my hair up so that It pulls my skin back and then I have less wrinkles...next botox..my face will be frozen in time...I can't wait..

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

shife,

Now that you mention it, I am kinda hungry.

yasamin,

Neither could Sue. Do you want to hump it too?

alison,

I hope that they invent something that keeps red wine from staining teeth.

meg,

You are always on my invite list. Bring wine. And pot.

yng,

I need more smoking accessories. I don't own a hookah.

You sure know a lot about science. Am impressed.

chick,

My ex vaporized one night. When he came back the next day, we were through.

tellin',

I am considering not pulling my hair back anymore. I am afraid that it's causing the wrinkles.

 
At 2:22 PM, Blogger Beth said...

a marijuana vaporizer? wouldn't that be called a bong?

I gotta get me one of those!

I can't even remember how I found you, I see you all over the place!

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

beth,

No one has seen me, Beth. No one. I'm Mistical like that.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 2:32 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

I'm not fazed by the vaporizer....but I am having a hard time getting past your friend arranging the skin on her face...I mean, really is she a sharpei or something??

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

Please remember, she's not that bright. When we were teens, she used to press on her pimples to make them recede.

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Now if a vaporizer would work on my wrinkles...

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

pickled,

I didn't think about putting my face into the vaporizer.

 
At 5:02 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

I use a-hole cream on my eye wrinkles. Now I can barely open my lids. Tighter than a snare drum.

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Jay said...

I saw those when I was shopping for Jason's Christmas bong - those things look intense!

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

james,

You need to give this writing thing up and get a daytime TV show. Tyra has never given me better advice.

jay,

They are for Professionals only. They are also still on sale.

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

botox botox botox...i can't wait...
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...god i need to move to Cali.

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger C said...

So cool a Vapir 1. Hmmm well too bad I can't have that one - darn.

 
At 7:30 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

You don't need to go to CA for Botox. Come and stay for me for a few days, we'll get a group rate.

c,

Why can't you? I am reconsidering my drug free policy after looking at that website.

 
At 7:27 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

dammit, mist, now I really want one of those!

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I sort of figured that you would.

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

Vaper 1 sounds like a totally rocking car. Like something Batman would drive. Or Spiderman, if he didn't, like, use his spidey-stuff to get around.

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

evil,

Spidey got his spidey stuff on me once. I was all like, "not in my hair!"

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Oddly enough, one of my former roommates developed and patented a pocket vaporizer. He was that perfect combination of stoner and engineer.

 
At 7:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

You are kidding me. Why would you want to vaporize your pocket?

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

You may have something there. Vaporized carcinogens. What will they think of next?

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

qofd,

Everyone keeps asking me what They'll think of next. I don't have insider information. I hope They'll take some of my ingenious inventions seriously. Then, I'll be one of Them.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Kungfukitten said...

I like how the people on the website are all holding hands as they exit the enormous pot field. Like they are way too fucking stoned to find their way out alone. Tee hee.

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kungfu,

I want to skip and frolic in the meadow with them.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

celia,

I have deleted your comment. Don't ever spam me again. Thanks.

 

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Name: Mist1
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