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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.
As Seen on TV
 Yesterday, I took an inventory of the cabinets under my bathroom sink. This is the place where I store body products that I wish I had never purchased; things like ear candles with lavender and glittery body lotion.
I found a bottle of Growbust and it's corresponding topical breast enhancing lotion. This discovery explained so much. No wonder my breasts haven't grown at all. I haven't been taking my bust enhancer.
Pleased with myself, I smoothed the lotion on my chest. It was a Silence of the Lambs moment. I giggled a little bit. Then I rubbed some more on.
I took the bottle of pills downstairs and opened a beer. The recommended dosage is three capsules two times a day. I took six. Then, I noticed that the expiration date was May 2005. I took six more just to be sure. I sat on the couch and continued to read the bottle. "Do not take with carbonated beverages." Damn. I am out of wine.
As I read on, the label warned me that I may experience breast tenderness and lactation. I may also be highly emotional for the next six weeks. After reading that, I did feel a little emotional.
I think it's time for more enhancing lotion.
Mist 1
"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut
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Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA
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Yesterday, I took an inventory of the cabinets under my bathroom sink. This is the place where I store body products that I wish I had never purchased; things like ear candles with lavender and glittery body lotion.
96 Comments:
I think you just need to rub more. Or be rubbed.
A good reason to be more emotional? Great. We women just need more reasons for that, right?
I think it's time for more beer.
As I read on, the label warned me that I may experience breast tenderness and lactation. I may also be highly emotional for the next six weeks.- um I think you just took a bottle of "get pregnant" pills. That's great. Imagine all he girls who could trap men into marriage by getting pregnant with the help of a pill.
if only you drank coffee with cream, just think of all the money you'd save. lol of course you'd have to spend it all on new bras but you were just looking for an excuse to do that anyway weren't you ;-)
Hahahaa!
Did you remember to wear gloves before using the enhancing lotion? Wouldn't want you to grow boobies on your hands. That would make you even more emotional--in a bad way.
I'm with frannie, Time for more beer.
Thanks for visiting my site!
Don't waste your money on that stuff. The side effect of one of my heart pills is breast enlargement. Sadly, it may be working! I like to think that it's muscular...
Just reading this post made me remember that song, you know the one about ..."it puts the lotion on it's skin..." Ewwwww, double ewww. gives me the heebie jeebies. I got the giggles thinking about another woman out there (you) doing what I did and spending all the moolah on breast enhancement cream then forgetting about it. I also see myself, at some point in the future, getting pissed off some nice port and feeling myself up whilst pretending I'm doing it for the hubster.
Whoo-hoo! Sorry, I'm all out of words.
I think someone was sneaking that stuff on me during my first semester in college, which I still can't remember. That would explain why I can't find a bra that my breasts will stay in.
Hahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahahaha
those pills sound like PMS in a bottle
Rubbing and lactating. I have nothing to say.
you made Rhonda speechless. Never thought I'd see the day. Does this call for a rescue by 150 firefighters?
Wait.
Why do you own this stuff in the first place?
LOL!! I like your comparison to the silence of the lambs. Not too many people would admit to such moments. :)
tug,
Can I hire someone to do the rubbing?
karmyn,
Sorry, I couldn't read your comment. I suddenly burst into tears.
frannie,
Please bring some over.
clever,
The mention of pregnancy gives me morning sickness.
heather,
They just don't make sexy training bras. I can't wait.
lizza,
The palms of my hands are a little tender.
never,
It's always time for more beer.
michael,
I hope I don't grow pecs.
kitten,
The bottle doesn't say not to take them with port.
rhonda,
I like to say whoo-hoo.
kirsten,
Suddenly, I have hope that these pills will work.
junkie,
This should be a fun six weeks.
phishez,
Not two of your favorite subjects?
crow,
I thought about enlisting help, but the midget firefighter can't reach my boobs.
jay,
Because I will buy anything.
olives,
I admit to all kinds of moments here. I reserve the right to deny them all later.
I can rub any cream on my member and it gets bigger. Then for some reason the next day I have to start all over again.
You remind me a lot of an ex-girlfriend who once tried to treat me by using the dog's leftover medication.
Well, it didn't kill me.
Lactation? Larger breasts?
I think that midget got you pregnant.
"Yesterday, I took an inventory of the cabinets under my bathroom sink."
That sounds like classic displacement activity to me - did you have a deadline?
If you want rid of the glittery body lotion, send it to me. In return I'll teach you some exercises to increase your bust.
Puss
please, go on about rubbing lotion on your hooters
...
Do they make cream to decrease the size of your breast? I'm all up for that one.
To do:
1. It rubs the lotion on its skin.
2. Puts the lotion in the basket.
You don't love Glitter Lotion????
fab,
Perhaps, I will keep a photo journal of my progress.
blitz,
I'm good at that too.
matt,
I'll bet you didn't have fleas or heartworm either.
av,
I am going to remove my uterus with my bare hands now.
jali,
It is not too late. I read the entire label. You can begin taking them at any time.
puss,
Does UPS deliver to the UK?
furious,
I have a cramp in my hooter hand.
ariel,
Comments like that will not be accepted here anymore. Commenters are not allowed to make me jealous.
nolff,
Sometimes, you scare me a little bit.
britt,
I really don't. I'm trying to grow up.
I'm just glad you decided to go with the lotion. I've always been scared of ear candles.
Stay Cool,
Dagromm
P.S. Your word verification is like some cruel sobriety test. Unfortunately, I fail it twice before I luck through it every morning.
If you start lactating, call the National Enquirer. That shit is worth some bank since you aren't pregnant. You're not, are you??
dagromm,
I love ear candles. I am terrified of what comes out of my head.
ctw,
That would be the moment this blog stopped being funny.
the only thing i've ever bought off of t.v. was my micro-touch trimmer. let's just say it didn't take long before i went a little "nuts" with it.
"There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it."
-Dr. Evil
I see that you are highly litterarily suggestive. You read the bottle telling you will be emotional and viola'-you are.
I want you to read the following very intently and repeatedly:
"I want to make Wreckless happy" "I will do whatever it takes"
And don't worry about the mams, it's not about size-at least for me.
Dude, I know this sounds strange, but in regards to your Silence of the Lambs moment, [which, hilarious, btw, omg, lmao] you absolutely HAVE to go to http://www.threebrain.com and find the song "Hypothermia."
You HAVE to.
As long as you don't grow a third boob....how will find a decent bra?
I've often wondered: do you think Lip Venom works on boobs? I mean, if it inflates one body part, it should inflate another, right?
I thought you might be game to investigate. You know, for Science.
Can you bring the Ear candles and glitter body lotion when we meet for that ahem "conference"... I'll show you what to do with them... oh and also.. do you stil have my red thong panties? I need them back.
omni,
I've had that kind of scrotum before. I mean, not on me. Well, I guess it was on me...nevermind.
wreck,
I make the people around me very happy. Just ask my mom. She says that she is happy when I am happy. Every time I buy myself new shoes, I call her to tell her how happy she is.
andy,
I love it when you tell me what to do.
claudia,
If I had a third boob, I would donate it to the poor.
kelley,
The real question is, does it work on all lips, or just the ones on my face?
dallas,
I knew I didn't recognize these panties when I put them on this morning.
Now if the pills make your boobs saggy, I'd say they were "menapause in a pill".
Uh...we'll just wait until the 6 weeks are over for the Golden Tea, thanks.
LOL! OMG :) You are hilarious! "It was a Silence of the Lambs moment. I giggled a little bit. Then I rubbed some more on."
BTW, what on earth are ear candles???
Got milk?
alicia,
I haven't had a single hot flash. So far, so good.
slick,
I will be a partially new woman in six weeks.
chrissy,
Ear candles are only the single most dangerous method of earwax removal. You must have supervision.
123,
Not yet.
if you rub it on other areas of your body, will be it make boobs grow in other places? maybe some on your back would be nice. guys would always want to give you a hug!
My mother bought a bunch of those ear candles once. I don't trust them--something about a flaming rod sticking out of my ear makes me uncomfortable.
Got me smilin at work lol...I hope the lactation isn't too serious...
miztris,
I can't reach my back. I did get a little on my earlobe.
bird,
What would make you uncomfortable about flames shooting out of the side of your head? That's silly.
megs,
Dry as a whistle. Time for another dose.
Whatever hormones are in that stuff can't be healthy. Big boobs are highly overrated, anyway.
hearts,
It's roots and berries and stuff. Bears eat roots and berries and they have great tits.
What do you t hink would happend if I applied it to my dong? ;)
Steve~
Let me know if it works (not the emotional, lactating part). I could use a good rub down and bigger breasts. I'm concave you know.
Screw the pills, Mist1. Go get a nice little padded number from Vicky's Secret and call it a day.
One of a kind Mist. I can't believe I can't get back here daily. Sometimes I gone for a week or two, then it takes me 20 minutes to catch up, all the while the shrieking and the tears streaming down my face, gets me many strange stairs from the office mates.
Is there a finer testament of your character than your double-up then double-up again philosophy on drug - prescription or otherwise - use?
Thanks for the daily giggles and good luck with the new breasts should they materialise.
Rubbing and lactating - you would be a fireman's dream!
Exactly how much do you want your breasts to grow?
I had some of that same stuff, but it was supposed to make my hair thicker. It made my breasts lactate and grow, and made me pretty bitchy.
I'll find the name of it and pass it on.
I won't help your hair out.
Trust me, you do not want to be lactating while on bc pills. I prescribe five more beers to cleanse your colon of the residual pills.
Hey, if those f-ers work I'm going to have to come raid your bathroom cabinets. Expiration schmexpiration!
As I'm on my way to open the red...i am reading this...LOL.
If you ever ever need a roommate - just let me know...
nfc
I think the lotion only works if you wear your training bra to bed and do special exercises while saying, "I must, I must increase my bust." I'm just trying to recall all the tactics I used to try to grow breasts, not that I succeeded, because I get distracted easily and because my mom passed her small breast genes on to me.
This post is pointless without pictures.
Just saying.
CP
I usually have my Silence of the Lambs moments on Fridays as well. I am glad we have so much in common.
You'll be emotional because you'll have to buy all new bras. Lactation? I've never had a baby so I don't know anything about that but I think it'd be fun to squirt people in the back of the head on the bus then cover your boob back up and go on reading your book and watch them get all perplexed but I'm weird like that.
I knew it you see wine is always the answer!!
P.s where do I get some of that bustgrow lotion and pills...
i could use a little help!!
Hey, if a pill works to enhance your bust, I just might believe and then buy some of those miracle "male enhancement" solutions I hear about on the radio.
i know of pills that make your breaststisis grow, but unfortunately they are also meant to make you stop hallucinating.
nevermind.
back in my day we had a mark eden bust developer. we all had them. they came in a plain brown wrapper so the mailman wouldn't know what was in the box from mark eden. it was a skin tone plastic device that you squeezed together with your palms to pump them up. i carefully counted each side so one would't get bigger than the other in case one side did one more squeeze than the other side. sigh... we all waited and got up each morning and ran to look to see if we magically transformed in the night. it never happened. another $15.95 down the drain. then one day i woke up and they had stretched out and started sagging. it just happened. just like that. wtf??? that was just not fair if you ask me. i mean if you are going to flop and sag you at least ought to have been there in the first place, right? good luck honey. it ain't easy.
sigh.... bee
You sprung me. They are. I was just kind speechless. It doesn't happen often. Be proud
steven,
I think it would grow a nipple.
tallulah,
I think they're working. I'm having hot flashes.
tammie,
I hate pads. They are like false advertising.
stan,
Tell them that you have a medical condition that makes you have outbursts.
rkm,
I didn't go to med school, but I've watched Scrubs and ER, so I figure that I'm pretty qualified to dose myself.
cheeky,
I think I already am.
nick,
I'm not sure yet. I'm not a planner.
ryan,
Nothing better f*ck up my hair. It's my claim to fame.
edgy,
I'm behind. I need more beer.
cruiser,
I also had some waxing strips in there.
nofear,
I am a miserable roommate.
c,
I think I remember that from a Judy Blume book.
cp,
Most of my posts could be improved with pictures.
shife,
How are your boobs?
kungfu,
I'm not sure if my aim is that good. I'll have to practice.
tellin',
Stay up late. The commercials come on TV late at night.
sornie,
I bought some of those before. My penis hasn't grown at all.
k,
I could use pills that make me hallucinate that mine are growing.
bee,
Do you still have that device? I will pay fair market value for it.
phishez,
I was worried that lactation would offend you.
I don't know if this is what they mean, but I know that I'd be pretty emotional if I got some breasts that actually fit in a bra after using that stuff.
-velvet
i knew a girl in high school who bought breast enhancing lotion and her brother tried to use it on umm.....you know.
wasn't me, I swear.
Looks like there's a lot of laughter to catch up on.
1
I still think you're perfect the way you are.
I think I'm growing boobs and I haven't even had the pills.
When you get done with the lotion use a little Turtle wax. Since they're gonna be bigger they oughta shine!
Where is B.O.B. - get him to rub the lotion on your for. Say "it rubs the lotion on its skin.."
velvet,
I am going to throw a party if it happens. And I'll cry if I want to.
kiyotoe,
Sure it wasn't. So did it work?
0,
Thanks for noticing.
archie,
You are just naturally blessed with good genes.
bice,
I didn't even know that you could wax turtles.
c,
B.O.B. is more of the strong, silent type.
Can't wait for the lactating story. Hey that reminds me. How's Lactacia doing?
qofd,
My hand is really tender.
icl,
I haven't seen Lactacia in awhile. Maybe I should go back to the strip club.
Sounds like you’re eating somebody’s hormone replacement meds to me. Don’t they make a boob version of the Johnny “The Wad” Peter Pump? If not, then maybe somebody needs to invent one.
Enhancing Lotion + You = Dangerous Mixx
You are too funny! I took an off brand of pills like that when I was in High School. It made me heavier everywhere except the bust area. Boys really love my ass though.
lmao! you know its working by the tingling effect. please dicontinue use if nipples fall off.
slag,
I met Johnny once, he never called me again.
brooklyn,
I prefer Dangerous Minx. Thanks.
echo,
Now that you mention it, my a$$ is looking good lately.
yasamin,
Hold on, lemme check...yup, nipples still working.
Do you know that diaper rash cream is great with carbonated soda? TRY IT!!
Lactation...how sexy of you.
tkk,
Just wait until you see the new and improved me. You know, the one with boobs.
mogul,
Diaper rash cream is one of the only body products that I don't own.
lee,
I do what I can for my sex appeal.
evil,
Emotional would be an understatement right now.
i would be emotional if i were out of wine, too.
This comment has been removed by the author.
jennifer,
We have been each other in a past life. I am sure of it.
chrissy,
I drew an outline of myself on my wall. I will trace another in six weeks. Perhaps, I will post those photos.
Damn it...LOL! I tried to correct something on my last post, but deleted it by mistake. And there's no way to retrieve a comment, is there? Grrrr. Yeah, it was something about breast enhancers and posting before and after photos or something! LOL *sigh*
chrissy,
Don't go back and correct. I never do. I accept myself, flaws and all. Although really, I don't have many flaws. Well, except for my cup size...but I'm working on that.
I just watched an episode of Penn & Teller last night on the subject of antidotal breast/penis enlargers. Suffice to say the show isn't called Bullshit! for no reason.
orhan,
Crap is an enhancing agent? I don't know if I'll try that remedy. I'll just stick to my pills.
I hereby crown you the duchess of undersink breast augmentation - the title is, of course—purely titular.
guy,
Better than tubular. I know a girl with a tubular breast. Scary.
My dad had a headache once and took 4 Midol because he couldn't find anything else. He was convinced that the pill couldn't possibly know. So, maybe other things might get enhanced instead of your boobs...
darlene,
I bet his cramps went away.
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