To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Friday, February 23, 2007

As Seen on TV

Yesterday, I took an inventory of the cabinets under my bathroom sink. This is the place where I store body products that I wish I had never purchased; things like ear candles with lavender and glittery body lotion.

I found a bottle of Growbust and it's corresponding topical breast enhancing lotion. This discovery explained so much. No wonder my breasts haven't grown at all. I haven't been taking my bust enhancer.

Pleased with myself, I smoothed the lotion on my chest. It was a Silence of the Lambs moment. I giggled a little bit. Then I rubbed some more on.

I took the bottle of pills downstairs and opened a beer. The recommended dosage is three capsules two times a day. I took six. Then, I noticed that the expiration date was May 2005. I took six more just to be sure. I sat on the couch and continued to read the bottle. "Do not take with carbonated beverages." Damn. I am out of wine.

As I read on, the label warned me that I may experience breast tenderness and lactation. I may also be highly emotional for the next six weeks. After reading that, I did feel a little emotional.

I think it's time for more enhancing lotion.

Mist 1


At 8:29 PM, Blogger Tug said...

I think you just need to rub more. Or be rubbed.

At 8:37 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

A good reason to be more emotional? Great. We women just need more reasons for that, right?

At 8:49 PM, Blogger frannie said...

I think it's time for more beer.

At 9:11 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

As I read on, the label warned me that I may experience breast tenderness and lactation. I may also be highly emotional for the next six weeks.- um I think you just took a bottle of "get pregnant" pills. That's great. Imagine all he girls who could trap men into marriage by getting pregnant with the help of a pill.

At 9:15 PM, Blogger heather said...

if only you drank coffee with cream, just think of all the money you'd save. lol of course you'd have to spend it all on new bras but you were just looking for an excuse to do that anyway weren't you ;-)

At 11:16 PM, Blogger Lizza said...


Did you remember to wear gloves before using the enhancing lotion? Wouldn't want you to grow boobies on your hands. That would make you even more emotional--in a bad way.

At 11:28 PM, Blogger NeverEZme said...

I'm with frannie, Time for more beer.

Thanks for visiting my site!

At 11:40 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Don't waste your money on that stuff. The side effect of one of my heart pills is breast enlargement. Sadly, it may be working! I like to think that it's muscular...

At 12:37 AM, Blogger kitten said...

Just reading this post made me remember that song, you know the one about ..."it puts the lotion on it's skin..." Ewwwww, double ewww. gives me the heebie jeebies. I got the giggles thinking about another woman out there (you) doing what I did and spending all the moolah on breast enhancement cream then forgetting about it. I also see myself, at some point in the future, getting pissed off some nice port and feeling myself up whilst pretending I'm doing it for the hubster.

At 1:29 AM, Blogger Rhonda Jones said...

Whoo-hoo! Sorry, I'm all out of words.

At 1:32 AM, Blogger Kirsten said...

I think someone was sneaking that stuff on me during my first semester in college, which I still can't remember. That would explain why I can't find a bra that my breasts will stay in.

At 2:41 AM, Blogger Nosjunkie said...

those pills sound like PMS in a bottle

At 3:07 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Rubbing and lactating. I have nothing to say.

At 4:05 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

you made Rhonda speechless. Never thought I'd see the day. Does this call for a rescue by 150 firefighters?

At 4:08 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Why do you own this stuff in the first place?

At 4:32 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

LOL!! I like your comparison to the silence of the lambs. Not too many people would admit to such moments. :)

At 5:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Can I hire someone to do the rubbing?


Sorry, I couldn't read your comment. I suddenly burst into tears.


Please bring some over.


The mention of pregnancy gives me morning sickness.


They just don't make sexy training bras. I can't wait.


The palms of my hands are a little tender.


It's always time for more beer.


I hope I don't grow pecs.


The bottle doesn't say not to take them with port.


I like to say whoo-hoo.


Suddenly, I have hope that these pills will work.


This should be a fun six weeks.


Not two of your favorite subjects?


I thought about enlisting help, but the midget firefighter can't reach my boobs.


Because I will buy anything.


I admit to all kinds of moments here. I reserve the right to deny them all later.

At 5:23 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You have my number. I will take more pictures, please.

At 5:53 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I can rub any cream on my member and it gets bigger. Then for some reason the next day I have to start all over again.

At 5:55 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You remind me a lot of an ex-girlfriend who once tried to treat me by using the dog's leftover medication.

Well, it didn't kill me.

At 6:05 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Lactation? Larger breasts?

I think that midget got you pregnant.

At 6:18 AM, Blogger jali said...


There were no such pills available in my youth so I have the "mini-me" breasts.

At 6:29 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

"Yesterday, I took an inventory of the cabinets under my bathroom sink."

That sounds like classic displacement activity to me - did you have a deadline?

If you want rid of the glittery body lotion, send it to me. In return I'll teach you some exercises to increase your bust.


At 6:37 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

please, go on about rubbing lotion on your hooters

At 6:42 AM, Blogger Ariel said...


Do they make cream to decrease the size of your breast? I'm all up for that one.

At 6:48 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

To do:
1. It rubs the lotion on its skin.
2. Puts the lotion in the basket.

At 6:48 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

You don't love Glitter Lotion????

At 7:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Perhaps, I will keep a photo journal of my progress.


I'm good at that too.


I'll bet you didn't have fleas or heartworm either.


I am going to remove my uterus with my bare hands now.


It is not too late. I read the entire label. You can begin taking them at any time.


Does UPS deliver to the UK?


I have a cramp in my hooter hand.


Comments like that will not be accepted here anymore. Commenters are not allowed to make me jealous.


Sometimes, you scare me a little bit.


I really don't. I'm trying to grow up.

At 7:13 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

I'm just glad you decided to go with the lotion. I've always been scared of ear candles.

Stay Cool,

P.S. Your word verification is like some cruel sobriety test. Unfortunately, I fail it twice before I luck through it every morning.

At 7:18 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

If you start lactating, call the National Enquirer. That shit is worth some bank since you aren't pregnant. You're not, are you??

At 7:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I love ear candles. I am terrified of what comes out of my head.


That would be the moment this blog stopped being funny.

At 7:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the only thing i've ever bought off of t.v. was my micro-touch trimmer. let's just say it didn't take long before i went a little "nuts" with it.

"There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it."

-Dr. Evil

At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see that you are highly litterarily suggestive. You read the bottle telling you will be emotional and viola'-you are.
I want you to read the following very intently and repeatedly:
"I want to make Wreckless happy" "I will do whatever it takes"

And don't worry about the mams, it's not about size-at least for me.

At 8:01 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude, I know this sounds strange, but in regards to your Silence of the Lambs moment, [which, hilarious, btw, omg, lmao] you absolutely HAVE to go to and find the song "Hypothermia."

You HAVE to.

At 8:03 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

As long as you don't grow a third will find a decent bra?

At 8:13 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

I've often wondered: do you think Lip Venom works on boobs? I mean, if it inflates one body part, it should inflate another, right?

I thought you might be game to investigate. You know, for Science.

At 8:21 AM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

Can you bring the Ear candles and glitter body lotion when we meet for that ahem "conference"... I'll show you what to do with them... oh and also.. do you stil have my red thong panties? I need them back.

At 8:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I've had that kind of scrotum before. I mean, not on me. Well, I guess it was on me...nevermind.


I make the people around me very happy. Just ask my mom. She says that she is happy when I am happy. Every time I buy myself new shoes, I call her to tell her how happy she is.


I love it when you tell me what to do.


If I had a third boob, I would donate it to the poor.


The real question is, does it work on all lips, or just the ones on my face?


I knew I didn't recognize these panties when I put them on this morning.

At 8:34 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

Now if the pills make your boobs saggy, I'd say they were "menapause in a pill".

At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Uh...we'll just wait until the 6 weeks are over for the Golden Tea, thanks.

At 9:03 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! OMG :) You are hilarious! "It was a Silence of the Lambs moment. I giggled a little bit. Then I rubbed some more on."

BTW, what on earth are ear candles???

At 9:15 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Got milk?

At 9:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I haven't had a single hot flash. So far, so good.


I will be a partially new woman in six weeks.


Ear candles are only the single most dangerous method of earwax removal. You must have supervision.


Not yet.

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

if you rub it on other areas of your body, will be it make boobs grow in other places? maybe some on your back would be nice. guys would always want to give you a hug!

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Bird on a Wire said...

My mother bought a bunch of those ear candles once. I don't trust them--something about a flaming rod sticking out of my ear makes me uncomfortable.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger Megs said...

Got me smilin at work lol...I hope the lactation isn't too serious...

At 10:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I can't reach my back. I did get a little on my earlobe.


What would make you uncomfortable about flames shooting out of the side of your head? That's silly.


Dry as a whistle. Time for another dose.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Whatever hormones are in that stuff can't be healthy. Big boobs are highly overrated, anyway.

At 11:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


It's roots and berries and stuff. Bears eat roots and berries and they have great tits.

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

What do you t hink would happend if I applied it to my dong? ;)


At 11:42 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Let me know if it works (not the emotional, lactating part). I could use a good rub down and bigger breasts. I'm concave you know.

At 11:55 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Screw the pills, Mist1. Go get a nice little padded number from Vicky's Secret and call it a day.

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Stan Mackey said...

One of a kind Mist. I can't believe I can't get back here daily. Sometimes I gone for a week or two, then it takes me 20 minutes to catch up, all the while the shrieking and the tears streaming down my face, gets me many strange stairs from the office mates.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger RKM said...

Is there a finer testament of your character than your double-up then double-up again philosophy on drug - prescription or otherwise - use?

Thanks for the daily giggles and good luck with the new breasts should they materialise.

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Rubbing and lactating - you would be a fireman's dream!

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Exactly how much do you want your breasts to grow?

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Ryan said...

I had some of that same stuff, but it was supposed to make my hair thicker. It made my breasts lactate and grow, and made me pretty bitchy.

I'll find the name of it and pass it on.

I won't help your hair out.

At 1:09 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Trust me, you do not want to be lactating while on bc pills. I prescribe five more beers to cleanse your colon of the residual pills.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Hey, if those f-ers work I'm going to have to come raid your bathroom cabinets. Expiration schmexpiration!

At 2:09 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

As I'm on my way to open the red...i am reading this...LOL.
If you ever ever need a roommate - just let me know...


At 2:34 PM, Anonymous C said...

I think the lotion only works if you wear your training bra to bed and do special exercises while saying, "I must, I must increase my bust." I'm just trying to recall all the tactics I used to try to grow breasts, not that I succeeded, because I get distracted easily and because my mom passed her small breast genes on to me.

At 2:37 PM, Blogger CP said...

This post is pointless without pictures.

Just saying.


At 3:23 PM, Blogger Mr Shife said...

I usually have my Silence of the Lambs moments on Fridays as well. I am glad we have so much in common.

At 3:25 PM, Blogger Kungfukitten said...

You'll be emotional because you'll have to buy all new bras. Lactation? I've never had a baby so I don't know anything about that but I think it'd be fun to squirt people in the back of the head on the bus then cover your boob back up and go on reading your book and watch them get all perplexed but I'm weird like that.

At 6:19 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

I knew it you see wine is always the answer!!
P.s where do I get some of that bustgrow lotion and pills...
i could use a little help!!

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

Hey, if a pill works to enhance your bust, I just might believe and then buy some of those miracle "male enhancement" solutions I hear about on the radio.

At 7:10 PM, Blogger K said...

i know of pills that make your breaststisis grow, but unfortunately they are also meant to make you stop hallucinating.


At 8:00 PM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

back in my day we had a mark eden bust developer. we all had them. they came in a plain brown wrapper so the mailman wouldn't know what was in the box from mark eden. it was a skin tone plastic device that you squeezed together with your palms to pump them up. i carefully counted each side so one would't get bigger than the other in case one side did one more squeeze than the other side. sigh... we all waited and got up each morning and ran to look to see if we magically transformed in the night. it never happened. another $15.95 down the drain. then one day i woke up and they had stretched out and started sagging. it just happened. just like that. wtf??? that was just not fair if you ask me. i mean if you are going to flop and sag you at least ought to have been there in the first place, right? good luck honey. it ain't easy.

sigh.... bee

At 8:00 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

You sprung me. They are. I was just kind speechless. It doesn't happen often. Be proud

At 8:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think it would grow a nipple.


I think they're working. I'm having hot flashes.


I hate pads. They are like false advertising.


Tell them that you have a medical condition that makes you have outbursts.


I didn't go to med school, but I've watched Scrubs and ER, so I figure that I'm pretty qualified to dose myself.


I think I already am.


I'm not sure yet. I'm not a planner.


Nothing better f*ck up my hair. It's my claim to fame.


I'm behind. I need more beer.


I also had some waxing strips in there.


I am a miserable roommate.


I think I remember that from a Judy Blume book.


Most of my posts could be improved with pictures.


How are your boobs?


I'm not sure if my aim is that good. I'll have to practice.


Stay up late. The commercials come on TV late at night.


I bought some of those before. My penis hasn't grown at all.


I could use pills that make me hallucinate that mine are growing.


Do you still have that device? I will pay fair market value for it.


I was worried that lactation would offend you.

At 8:49 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I don't know if this is what they mean, but I know that I'd be pretty emotional if I got some breasts that actually fit in a bra after using that stuff.


At 9:33 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

i knew a girl in high school who bought breast enhancing lotion and her brother tried to use it on know.

wasn't me, I swear.

Looks like there's a lot of laughter to catch up on.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

I still think you're perfect the way you are.

At 12:53 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I think I'm growing boobs and I haven't even had the pills.

At 2:18 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

When you get done with the lotion use a little Turtle wax. Since they're gonna be bigger they oughta shine!

At 5:38 AM, Blogger C said...

Where is B.O.B. - get him to rub the lotion on your for. Say "it rubs the lotion on its skin.."

At 9:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am going to throw a party if it happens. And I'll cry if I want to.


Sure it wasn't. So did it work?


Thanks for noticing.


You are just naturally blessed with good genes.


I didn't even know that you could wax turtles.


B.O.B. is more of the strong, silent type.

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

If it enhances your bust, does it also enhance the hand you use to apply it?

At 1:51 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Can't wait for the lactating story. Hey that reminds me. How's Lactacia doing?

At 2:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


My hand is really tender.


I haven't seen Lactacia in awhile. Maybe I should go back to the strip club.

At 3:46 PM, Blogger slaghammer said...

Sounds like you’re eating somebody’s hormone replacement meds to me. Don’t they make a boob version of the Johnny “The Wad” Peter Pump? If not, then maybe somebody needs to invent one.

At 5:33 PM, Blogger Brooklyn Frank said...

Enhancing Lotion + You = Dangerous Mixx

At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are too funny! I took an off brand of pills like that when I was in High School. It made me heavier everywhere except the bust area. Boys really love my ass though.

At 8:01 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

lmao! you know its working by the tingling effect. please dicontinue use if nipples fall off.

At 9:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I met Johnny once, he never called me again.


I prefer Dangerous Minx. Thanks.


Now that you mention it, my a$$ is looking good lately.


Hold on, lemme check...yup, nipples still working.

At 6:40 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

Totally love it!

At 8:32 AM, Blogger mrsmogul said...

Do you know that diaper rash cream is great with carbonated soda? TRY IT!!

At 1:48 PM, Blogger Lee said... sexy of you.

At 4:20 PM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

Last time I had breast tenderness and lactation I was pregnant. Yeouch! That'll make you emotional all right!

At 6:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Just wait until you see the new and improved me. You know, the one with boobs.


Diaper rash cream is one of the only body products that I don't own.


I do what I can for my sex appeal.


Emotional would be an understatement right now.

At 7:30 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

i would be emotional if i were out of wine, too.

At 7:45 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


We have been each other in a past life. I am sure of it.


I drew an outline of myself on my wall. I will trace another in six weeks. Perhaps, I will post those photos.

At 7:50 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

Damn it...LOL! I tried to correct something on my last post, but deleted it by mistake. And there's no way to retrieve a comment, is there? Grrrr. Yeah, it was something about breast enhancers and posting before and after photos or something! LOL *sigh*

At 9:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Don't go back and correct. I never do. I accept myself, flaws and all. Although really, I don't have many flaws. Well, except for my cup size...but I'm working on that.

At 2:25 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I just watched an episode of Penn & Teller last night on the subject of antidotal breast/penis enlargers. Suffice to say the show isn't called Bullshit! for no reason.

At 5:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Crap is an enhancing agent? I don't know if I'll try that remedy. I'll just stick to my pills.

At 10:34 AM, Anonymous ThatGuy said...

I hereby crown you the duchess of undersink breast augmentation - the title is, of course—purely titular.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Better than tubular. I know a girl with a tubular breast. Scary.

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

My dad had a headache once and took 4 Midol because he couldn't find anything else. He was convinced that the pill couldn't possibly know. So, maybe other things might get enhanced instead of your boobs...

At 12:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I bet his cramps went away.


Post a Comment

"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.


123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
Fantasy and Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog
Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
Maiden New York
Mayren Abashed
Meloncutter Musings
Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
Muffin 53
Pointless Banter
Pointless Drivel
Q's Corner
Random Moments
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
Secret Suburban Misfit
Southern Circle of Hell
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head


The Fire Fighter's Balls
A Teaser
Right Hand Man
Head Shop
My Own Devices
Intellectual Chit Chat
Black History Month



Header image photo by Alison.

 Subscribe in a reader

 Subscribe to comments

RFS Blog Awards Winner