To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Fire Fighter's Balls

After my date with the Fire Department, I am certain that I will be rescued in a timely fashion should I ever need it. What I am not certain about is how my left butt cheek got bruised.

I love auctions; this was my first experience with bidding on people. I was prepared to objectify as many firemen as I could. First, I would need some cash. I know that fire fighters are city employees and are thus, highly compensated, so I took $20 with me.

It hardly had a vodka tonic in me before the midget fireman humped my leg. I shook him off and chastised him in my best dominatrix tone. I brushed off my leg with my cocktail napkin and made a mental note to take an extra birth control pill when I got home. A girl can never be too careful.

I claimed a bar stool with a group of eager women. We sized up the men and each other. Between eying the guys, we traded fake complements on shoes, hair, nails and weight. The cattiness was getting to me and I excused myself to the restroom. The bathroom was no better. It was packed with women discussing how to be the perfect fireman's wife. Feeling panicky at the word "wife," I touched up my lip gloss, lied to a woman about her hideous shoes, and slipped out the door.

When the bidding began, the old guys took the stage first. I got out my crisp $20 bill. My palms were slightly moist. They talked about them for a bit and flashed some pictures of them in their gear. No one was bidding. I believe it was at this point when I screamed, "take it off!" and maybe something like, "woo hoo." I waved my $20 around in the air frantically. The woman next to me said, "Honey, it's a retirement party."

I smiled sweetly at her and said, "Perfect."

The wives of all those old firemen couldn't catch me. Even in their sensible shoes.

Still, I wish that I could explain the bruise on my a$$.

Mist 1


At 8:52 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I guess the fire house had a new siren tonight??

At 8:59 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...


put some ice on your butt...sweetie.

At 9:01 PM, Blogger Avitable said...

Midget leg impregnation is the leading cause of accidental baby-making in the United States today.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...


If they ever decide to auction off the LLFD (and Fenchurch lets me go on the block - yeah, ri-i-i-i-ight!) I'll be sure you get an invite, mist.

I AM, however, woth more than $20 (even if it is in US currency).

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Could the bruise be from your trip to the bathroom? I understand the perfect fireman's wife leaves the seat up.

At 9:39 PM, Blogger STAK said...

it got poked with a hose..........

At 11:37 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

The little fireman probably headbutted it as you swatted him off. Or maybe you bumped it as you slid down the pole...

Two wrds that strike fear into my heart: 'sensible shoes'...



At 11:43 PM, Blogger NeverEZme said...

you're a great read!!

At 11:48 PM, Anonymous Amy said...

Hahahah! I wish I could have firemen adventures.

At 1:28 AM, Blogger Lizza said...

Maybe the bruise was the result of karma kicking you in the a$$? :-)

At 1:43 AM, Blogger Sex and Dubai said...

It might just have been Courtney and that current extract ;)

Btw - stumbled on from Dallas Dysfunction and will definitely be back for more. Great stuff.

At 1:52 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You certenly put meaning in the words fire fighter! Rawr.

At 3:39 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Not even a retired fireman could put your fire out!!!!

At 3:44 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

Maybe the midget bit you on the a$$.

Judging by the size.

At 3:56 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

I think the midget bit you on the a$$, too. They can be fierce.

At 4:57 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You have made me laugh today. I heart you.

At 5:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Siren Mist sounds good.


By tomorrow, it should be that sick green color.


Am thinking about cutting my leg off.


I will try to bring more cash.


Another reason I can't marry a fireman.


I think I would remember that.


I knew the sensible shoes part would get to you.


I also have great shoes.

Thanks for coming by.


Go to sleep with the candles burning.

Thanks for coming by.


Karma is waiting to push me down the stairs.

s & d,

I wouldn't have minded that.

Thanks for coming by.


You can come with me to the next retirement party.


If they had stripped, my fire would have been out.


I knew I should have kicked him.


I feel so violated.


Thanks. Laughing is good.

At 5:39 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Is it true what they say about firemen and their hoses?

Actually, I don't know what they say. But they must say *something*.

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

At least you got to keep your $20

At 5:46 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

oh it has been years and years since a midget fireman tried to hump my leg but i remember it like it was yesterday. he was a feisty little guy! with dimples. and whiskers. and a cute little tail. oh, wait, that might have been a dog, sorry...

smiles, bee

At 6:24 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

next to a bag full of oranges, sensible shoes are what most mob guys use to beat someone up without leaving marks, you only bruise on the inside. so no way one of those haughty bitches pegged your ass with a sensible as that might seem.

At 6:24 AM, Blogger Matt said...

The bruise on your assterick? Researchers have found that many people routinely have sex in their sleep w/o any recollection. But that begs the question: with whom?

At 6:25 AM, Blogger Matt said...

The leperachaun who watches your parking space?

At 6:36 AM, Blogger Tug said...

You mean not everyone takes it all off at retirement parties???

At 6:41 AM, Blogger Jay said...

I have found that ass bruises are better off left as mysteries.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

It was a husband auction? That sounds like (almost) every woman's dream. I'll take the tall bald one back there. Wait does he change diapers? I only want him if he changes diapers!

At 6:58 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

That's very funny!

Sometimes the bruises are really best left as a mystery.


At 7:04 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Clever, clever Mist! Hysterical!

At 7:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Oh, it is so true. Almost everything They say is true. They know everything.


Where did I put that $20?


I think it was the same guy.


I don't think you should be giving away mob secrets like that.


I couldn't have slept with the leprechaun. Who would be watching my car?


No, sadly not.


Like a don't ask don't tell policy...good thought.


What are you, an astronaut?


I have a mysterious a$$? Cool.

At 7:13 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Midgets have cooties.

At 7:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I didn't feel clever at the time. I felt misled.

At 7:22 AM, Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

I think the bruise is from Courtney. Perhaps he was a little overzealous with the poprocks?

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Odat said...

Shouldn't have shock the midget off!!! You may have been able to use him!!! Damn!

At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Ah, all scrotums, young and old,are wrinkly anyway. I'm assuming that is.

Yeah, assuming.

Just lay on your stomach a while and rub some olive juice on the bruise.

At 7:47 AM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! You are my new 'must read' blog of the day. That story was hilarious :) I'm a Sex and the City fan, but I'm waiting for a movie to come out about your life...or better yet, a TV show! ;p

At 7:47 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Did you at least get the midget's phone number?

Mist, you continue to amaze me with your originality. God, this sounds so sappy I'll stop right here.

At 8:00 AM, Blogger speedwobble said...

Did you at least find someone to help you with your kitchen sink?

At 8:22 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

Obviously the midget bit your ass when he was humping your leg.

At 8:31 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I will probably sue him.


It was my first instinct. He was like a flying monkey. I was scared.


I should have brought the midget home with me. He could do the olive juicing.


How come nobody follows me around with cameras? What's wrong with people?


He had the cutest little phone.


I am going to get used to brining in water from the well.


I hope he had his shots.

At 8:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if some of the crackling ass foam from Courtney would take away the bruise?

did you at least get your $20 worth?

At 8:52 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

I've been married for 17 years and still shudder and get panicky at the word "wife".

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

you sure the bruise isn't from the women KICKING YOUR ASS??? ;)

At 9:15 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Unfortunately, I've found that screaming, "take it off!" isn't well received in most situations. I guess I'll have to add retirement parties, to my list with movie theaters, office luncheons, and drive-thru windows.

At 9:37 AM, Blogger booda baby said...

Not that I'm any judge (cool. I get to get all full of fake humility) but this is the first blog I ever made someone listen to.

I probably have the worst delivery ever invented (which, sadly, is NOT fake humility) and they STILLLL thought it was heeelarious.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Did you at least get to take one home?

At 10:11 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

So what you are saying is Firemen's Wives are bitches?

At 10:17 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

And you're *certain* you didn't feel anything that "Looks Like a Pump, Feels Like a Sneaker" kicking your ass as you fled?

At 10:27 AM, Blogger SQT said...

The bruise was from the cumulative effect of all those women shooting dirty looks at you behind your back. You didn't know looks could bruise did you?

At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mist - your just funny as hell.

Bruises heal, its the battle that counts! Rock on Mist :)


At 10:47 AM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

you weren't keeping track of that midget fireman were you? That may explain the bruise on your butt.

At 11:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm starting to think it was the butt mousse that bruised me to begin with.


I think I just got a rash.


I'm too quick.


People are so uptight.


I do dramatic readings of my blog too. Only, I do them in the mirror.

Thanks for coming by.


I took home $20.


Only to a woman who makes an a$$ out of herself bidding on another woman's husband.


That phrase alone makes me want to buy some shoes.


I knew they could kill. Bruising is probably the first symptom.


At least I didn't break a heel.


Everyone is blaming the midget.

At 12:29 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

now that i've found out that astronauts have a valid excuse for wearing diapers, I must admit I'm considering it as a career. Although I hope to die before someone has to change one of mine.

At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Did you know my dad was a fireman?

You know the old standard:

You can tell a fireman by his big hose.

At 12:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I wonder if they get rashes.


You know, I don't think you should start with your dad and end with the big hose bit. I am all kinds of confused. Did I hit on your dad the other night?

At 1:54 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

OK, I'll fess up. I caused the bruise. It happened by accident. I was on my way to the liquor store to buy some more vodka......

At 2:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Well, as long as it happened for a good reason. Vodka is a very good reason.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Rhonda Jones said...

Girl, you just ain't right.

I mean that in the best possible way.


At 2:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm a lefty.

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

We so have to party together sometime.

At 3:56 PM, Anonymous swamp said...

So the Mystery of the Missing Bra is solved...the guy in my post today called complaining that someone had stolen his bra.

At 5:16 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

they probably use a good ointment.

At 6:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm trying to get myself invited to the Policeman's Ball(s) next. Wanna go? I know the Chief.


It was all in good fun. Tell him I'm sorry.


I have had impure thoughts about ointment.

At 6:47 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Hmmm. A mystery! I love mysteries! Uh, regarding that bruise, where were the midget's hands while he was humping you leg? Where was his head? Where was... Oh, you get the idea.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger That's one clever little Yvonne said...

probably because the bottle kind of resembles a BOB. I said slightly ok?!!!

At 7:39 PM, Blogger Fiona said...

*L* i love your blog!!!!!

At 7:53 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

Bruise on your bum? First thing that comes to mind is the midget and a new take on the head butt.

At 8:02 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I will have to look at the pictures to answer those questions.


I miss B.O.B.


I love this blog too.

Thanks for coming by.

At 8:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am hating the midget more and more.

At 10:19 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

ice it down, put on your best heels and this time go when the wives arent around.

smarty pants.

At 7:35 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


What kind of girl do you think I am?

At 7:58 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

a smart one. duh.

At 6:08 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Very few people recognize that about me.

At 12:48 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

why was there a leg-humping hobbit at a retirement party?

At 12:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm pretty sure he was hired for the event just to spite me.

At 3:32 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

And yet you say that you never get any exercise!

At 10:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Well, not in the conventional sense of the word.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.


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