The Fire Fighter's Balls
After my date with the Fire Department, I am certain that I will be rescued in a timely fashion should I ever need it. What I am not certain about is how my left butt cheek got bruised.I love auctions; this was my first experience with bidding on people. I was prepared to objectify as many firemen as I could. First, I would need some cash. I know that fire fighters are city employees and are thus, highly compensated, so I took $20 with me.
It hardly had a vodka tonic in me before the midget fireman humped my leg. I shook him off and chastised him in my best dominatrix tone. I brushed off my leg with my cocktail napkin and made a mental note to take an extra birth control pill when I got home. A girl can never be too careful.
I claimed a bar stool with a group of eager women. We sized up the men and each other. Between eying the guys, we traded fake complements on shoes, hair, nails and weight. The cattiness was getting to me and I excused myself to the restroom. The bathroom was no better. It was packed with women discussing how to be the perfect fireman's wife. Feeling panicky at the word "wife," I touched up my lip gloss, lied to a woman about her hideous shoes, and slipped out the door.
When the bidding began, the old guys took the stage first. I got out my crisp $20 bill. My palms were slightly moist. They talked about them for a bit and flashed some pictures of them in their gear. No one was bidding. I believe it was at this point when I screamed, "take it off!" and maybe something like, "woo hoo." I waved my $20 around in the air frantically. The woman next to me said, "Honey, it's a retirement party."
I smiled sweetly at her and said, "Perfect."
The wives of all those old firemen couldn't catch me. Even in their sensible shoes.
Still, I wish that I could explain the bruise on my a$$.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:35 PM
70 Comments:
I guess the fire house had a new siren tonight??
HAHAHAH!!!!!
put some ice on your butt...sweetie.
Midget leg impregnation is the leading cause of accidental baby-making in the United States today.
LMAO!
If they ever decide to auction off the LLFD (and Fenchurch lets me go on the block - yeah, ri-i-i-i-ight!) I'll be sure you get an invite, mist.
I AM, however, woth more than $20 (even if it is in US currency).
Could the bruise be from your trip to the bathroom? I understand the perfect fireman's wife leaves the seat up.
it got poked with a hose..........
The little fireman probably headbutted it as you swatted him off. Or maybe you bumped it as you slid down the pole...
Two wrds that strike fear into my heart: 'sensible shoes'...
*shudder*
Puss
you're a great read!!
Hahahah! I wish I could have firemen adventures.
Maybe the bruise was the result of karma kicking you in the a$$? :-)
It might just have been Courtney and that current extract ;)
Btw - stumbled on from Dallas Dysfunction and will definitely be back for more. Great stuff.
You certenly put meaning in the words fire fighter! Rawr.
Not even a retired fireman could put your fire out!!!!
Maybe the midget bit you on the a$$.
Judging by the size.
I think the midget bit you on the a$$, too. They can be fierce.
michael,
Siren Mist sounds good.
nofear,
By tomorrow, it should be that sick green color.
av,
Am thinking about cutting my leg off.
arthur,
I will try to bring more cash.
blitz,
Another reason I can't marry a fireman.
stak,
I think I would remember that.
puss,
I knew the sensible shoes part would get to you.
never,
I also have great shoes.
Thanks for coming by.
amy,
Go to sleep with the candles burning.
Thanks for coming by.
lizza,
Karma is waiting to push me down the stairs.
s & d,
I wouldn't have minded that.
Thanks for coming by.
orhan,
You can come with me to the next retirement party.
spoon,
If they had stripped, my fire would have been out.
curiosity,
I knew I should have kicked him.
choo,
I feel so violated.
fab,
Thanks. Laughing is good.
Is it true what they say about firemen and their hoses?
Actually, I don't know what they say. But they must say *something*.
At least you got to keep your $20
oh it has been years and years since a midget fireman tried to hump my leg but i remember it like it was yesterday. he was a feisty little guy! with dimples. and whiskers. and a cute little tail. oh, wait, that might have been a dog, sorry...
smiles, bee
The bruise on your assterick? Researchers have found that many people routinely have sex in their sleep w/o any recollection. But that begs the question: with whom?
The leperachaun who watches your parking space?
You mean not everyone takes it all off at retirement parties???
I have found that ass bruises are better off left as mysteries.
It was a husband auction? That sounds like (almost) every woman's dream. I'll take the tall bald one back there. Wait does he change diapers? I only want him if he changes diapers!
That's very funny!
Sometimes the bruises are really best left as a mystery.
-velvet
Clever, clever Mist! Hysterical!
nwjr,
Oh, it is so true. Almost everything They say is true. They know everything.
cheeky,
Where did I put that $20?
bee,
I think it was the same guy.
furious,
I don't think you should be giving away mob secrets like that.
matt,
I couldn't have slept with the leprechaun. Who would be watching my car?
tug,
No, sadly not.
jay,
Like a don't ask don't tell policy...good thought.
clever,
What are you, an astronaut?
velvet,
I have a mysterious a$$? Cool.
Midgets have cooties.
lee,
I didn't feel clever at the time. I felt misled.
I think the bruise is from Courtney. Perhaps he was a little overzealous with the poprocks?
Shouldn't have shock the midget off!!! You may have been able to use him!!! Damn!
Peace
Ah, all scrotums, young and old,are wrinkly anyway. I'm assuming that is.
Yeah, assuming.
Just lay on your stomach a while and rub some olive juice on the bruise.
LOL! You are my new 'must read' blog of the day. That story was hilarious :) I'm a Sex and the City fan, but I'm waiting for a movie to come out about your life...or better yet, a TV show! ;p
Did you at least get the midget's phone number?
Mist, you continue to amaze me with your originality. God, this sounds so sappy I'll stop right here.
Did you at least find someone to help you with your kitchen sink?
michelle,
I will probably sue him.
odat,
It was my first instinct. He was like a flying monkey. I was scared.
slick,
I should have brought the midget home with me. He could do the olive juicing.
chrissy,
How come nobody follows me around with cameras? What's wrong with people?
dan,
He had the cutest little phone.
speed,
I am going to get used to brining in water from the well.
alicia,
I hope he had his shots.
I wonder if some of the crackling ass foam from Courtney would take away the bruise?
did you at least get your $20 worth?
I've been married for 17 years and still shudder and get panicky at the word "wife".
Unfortunately, I've found that screaming, "take it off!" isn't well received in most situations. I guess I'll have to add retirement parties, to my list with movie theaters, office luncheons, and drive-thru windows.
Not that I'm any judge (cool. I get to get all full of fake humility) but this is the first blog I ever made someone listen to.
I probably have the worst delivery ever invented (which, sadly, is NOT fake humility) and they STILLLL thought it was heeelarious.
Did you at least get to take one home?
And you're *certain* you didn't feel anything that "Looks Like a Pump, Feels Like a Sneaker" kicking your ass as you fled?
The bruise was from the cumulative effect of all those women shooting dirty looks at you behind your back. You didn't know looks could bruise did you?
Mist - your just funny as hell.
Bruises heal, its the battle that counts! Rock on Mist :)
Meg
pookie,
I'm starting to think it was the butt mousse that bruised me to begin with.
tallulah,
I think I just got a rash.
miztris,
I'm too quick.
dagromm,
People are so uptight.
booda,
I do dramatic readings of my blog too. Only, I do them in the mirror.
Thanks for coming by.
tammie,
I took home $20.
scotts,
Only to a woman who makes an a$$ out of herself bidding on another woman's husband.
jocelyn,
That phrase alone makes me want to buy some shoes.
sqt,
I knew they could kill. Bruising is probably the first symptom.
meg,
At least I didn't break a heel.
pink,
Everyone is blaming the midget.
now that i've found out that astronauts have a valid excuse for wearing diapers, I must admit I'm considering it as a career. Although I hope to die before someone has to change one of mine.
Did you know my dad was a fireman?
You know the old standard:
You can tell a fireman by his big hose.
clever,
I wonder if they get rashes.
karmyn,
You know, I don't think you should start with your dad and end with the big hose bit. I am all kinds of confused. Did I hit on your dad the other night?
1
OK, I'll fess up. I caused the bruise. It happened by accident. I was on my way to the liquor store to buy some more vodka......
0,
Well, as long as it happened for a good reason. Vodka is a very good reason.
Girl, you just ain't right.
I mean that in the best possible way.
;)
rhonda,
I'm a lefty.
We so have to party together sometime.
So the Mystery of the Missing Bra is solved...the guy in my post today called complaining that someone had stolen his bra.
they probably use a good ointment.
brooke,
I'm trying to get myself invited to the Policeman's Ball(s) next. Wanna go? I know the Chief.
swamp,
It was all in good fun. Tell him I'm sorry.
clever,
I have had impure thoughts about ointment.
Hmmm. A mystery! I love mysteries! Uh, regarding that bruise, where were the midget's hands while he was humping you leg? Where was his head? Where was... Oh, you get the idea.
probably because the bottle kind of resembles a BOB. I said slightly ok?!!!
*L* i love your blog!!!!!
Bruise on your bum? First thing that comes to mind is the midget and a new take on the head butt.
nick,
I will have to look at the pictures to answer those questions.
clever,
I miss B.O.B.
fiona,
I love this blog too.
Thanks for coming by.
wiilie,
I am hating the midget more and more.
ice it down, put on your best heels and this time go when the wives arent around.
smarty pants.
yasamin,
What kind of girl do you think I am?
a smart one. duh.
yasamin,
Very few people recognize that about me.
why was there a leg-humping hobbit at a retirement party?
darlene,
I'm pretty sure he was hired for the event just to spite me.
And yet you say that you never get any exercise!
crank,
Well, not in the conventional sense of the word.
Post a Comment