Time Change
I am deeply in lust.He is witty and funny and artistic. The fact that he doesn't know that I'm alive is a mere hindrance. To be fair, he has left a few comments here and we are reciprocally linked, but I have noticed that his link to me doesn't say anything like, "The Lust of My Life" or "The Woman That I Plan on Having Wild, Unbridled (or bridled, if she's into that sort of thing) Sex With." He would be a fool to let me slip though his links.
The object of my affections lives far, far away. He's in a different time zone. This has proved to be an inconvenience in my relationship with him. It turns out, that I am very good at addition. When it is noon his time, it is three my time. It also turns out, that I am very bad at subtraction. When it is nine in the morning here, I have no idea what time it is where he lives. When I am logged into Google (nearly always), I look for his status. When it is red, I know that he is chatting with another girl. When it is green, I wonder why he is not chatting with me. I change my status to read stuff like "lubing myself" or "ready/willing," or "I will scratch that other broad's eyes out, I swear to G*d, don't make me do it," but still, he does not bite. It only makes my devotion stronger.
The thing about time zones that confuses me (besides the math) is that I can't understand why the time change is in hour increments. It seems like it should be in fractions. Why can't the system be standardized? A mile per minute would make sense to me. That way, I would know that he is 2,609 miles behind me. According to Google Maps (not that I've checked), that is like a difference of one day and 15 hours.
I would know not to tell him what happened on The Office or I could give him winning sports stats in advance so that he could place bets and make us rich so that we could live happily, although distantly, ever after.
Better yet, why can't everything just operate on my time schedule? It would be so much easier for me if I knew that while I am thinking about lunch, he is doing the same thing. Only, his lunch would be called breakfast.
Wait, I'm confused again.
The International Date Line is ruining my love life.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:36 AM
110 Comments:
Oh, yes, fractionalized time zones seems *much* easier.
More fun, at the very least.
If you ever get some cyberlovin' going, he could achieve satisfaction 1 day and 13 1/2 hours before you do, simultaneously.
Why are they so much more attractive when there's no hope of actually meeting them? Oh, I know, because you never see them sitting on your couch in their underwear watching sports and scratching their balls, that's why.
Time zones are like your first sexual encounter. They are awkward and frustrating to understand.
Wow, I wish you luck with mystery man. Maybe you should tell him how you feel and if he rejects you, you could just undue it in your time zone before his time zone catches up. That is how the time zones work, right???
if you go on a trip to see him, please hide me and bring me along in your suitcase so I can meet someone in another time zone to love, also. I need addition and subtraction practice.
That was the nicest thing ANYONE has ever said/written about me.
Haven’t you heard, guys dig insults and blunt force trauma. Stalk him, kick him in the nuts and then cry. Anything else will get you nothing but dead batteries and outlandish phone bills.
First Bev and now this. You are killing me Mist. I post today on how people can't handle the time zones we have now and you want more. Lots more. Lots and lots more. Keep this up and your gonna get a good ol' fashioned spankin'. (If we can figure out a time.)
This may clear things up regarding timezone differences ;)
However, I wished and hoped it was me you spoke of but according to our calculations I am wrong. Much wrong. Woe is me.
Don't worry hun, you wreak of sexy/sexableness. He is bound to find himself in your lure eventually. Whoever the lucky son of a bitch is!
is it just me or does your drawing of the IDL look slightly suggestive.... and not in a BIG way.
Try dating a guy in a state that doesn't change with daylight savings tims. Twice a year I had to figure out and remember how many hours behind he was. That's more math than I've done since 1998. I can't even figure out how many years ago that was.
oh mist, it's too early to be laughing this hard. i feel your pain. cancel that, i feel my pain, right in my sides.
I can change that link name if you want. Frankly, I never knew you cared...
I dated someone in a different time zone. Made late night drunken phone calls much easier actually. When he was BLITZED at 2am in England, it was only 9pm or so here? Didn't disrupt my sleep at all. When I was blitzed at 2am and drunkenly called him, it was 7am there. It was just like a wake up call for him. Not to mention it's slightly harder to drunk dial a 20 digit calling cardnumber.
See? Think practically.
I'm in the same time zone as you are - you must be thinking of the Orlando in Mozambique.
I wait with bated breath for you to chat with me in Gmail first.
well sarge being in the military for 26 years and all, we were in different time zones lots of times. i always got confused. but then i am a ditz like you so what the hell?
smiles, bee
jocelyn,
I've always been pretty good with fractions. I never considered that he' be satisfied first. We'll have to talk about that.
churlita,
I think he'd be cute scratching his balls.
sheila,
I should have had a proposal by now.
bice,
My first sexual encounter was with myself.
michael,
I think this post was up a day before I even thought of it where he is.
h & b,
Let's start with flash cards. Then, we'll travel.
anon,
I adore you.
slag,
There's a technique that I've never tried. Please bail me out if necessary.
blitz,
Bev is a good spanker.
orhan,
I reek? I need a shower.
crow,
Your mind works in mysterious ways.
wg,
I think I just pulled some gray matter.
fab,
Wait, are you counting forwards or backwards?
heather,
Your abs are going to look fabulous in a bikini this summer. You can thank me later.
nwjr,
I hide my feelings.
lisa,
I can't figure out what time to call him to wake him up.
av,
Mozambique has a Disney theme park?
bee,
Military time is even more confusing. My head hurts.
Diznambique.
What did you just say ?
Maybe the International Date Line is not your lustful problem.
It may just be a zoning issue, and I don't mean real estate.
Have you considered the mitigating effects of, say, the Twilight Zone?
It's just guess, but it may be just a Wrinkle in Time that holds the key to your errogenous well being.
Just be sure you don't get caught up in the Bermuda Triangle while looking for your lover.
A friend of mine told me a long time ago:
"Before you could only visit with people who you came into contact with. Thanks to the internet, you can now stalk each and every one of them..."
I'm not sure why that came to mind after reading your post.
First thing, everytime I see the first sentence in your previous post, "My friend Kathy has been pregnant since 1997," just jolts the bolts out of me. My name is Kathy and anytime my name is coupled with the word pregnant, it gives me pause...better said, it shocks my socks off.
As far as the International Date Line is concerned, we ended up in Figi for an extra 24 hours because neither one of us knew what day of the week it was. That was 4 years ago and we still don't know what happened...or what day of the week it is.
Don't you think there might be someone in the same time zone as you that you could lust after?
for a second i thought you were talking about me......but alas , you were not
Wait, I'm confused...did you post this at 6:36 AM your time or my time? Or his time...
Jeez. I see what you mean! This is hard!
The fool.
What is he thinking, living so far from the perfect woman? Doesn't he know? Isn't he aware how perfect you are? Surely you have told him? Countless times?
Oh man.
You know what confuses me about time zones? Indiana. They don't observe the time change things so I NEVER know what time it is there. I think there's another state too but yeah...that would get way too confusing.
av,
I think I know someone named Diznambique. We call her Dizzy.
mj,
I hear the voices too.
gucci,
A Wrinkle in Time is my only understanding of physics.
ryan,
I don't stalk him. I haven't created a MySpace page just so I can track who all those girls are on his. Not that I've checked.
swamp,
I think I'm in Fiji. I have no idea what day it is either.
shoes,
I will always love shoes first.
lcg,
I have to lie down again.
thomas,
I'm starting to feel self-righteous. Just who the hell does he think he is living so far away from me?
ariel,
Thanks for reminding me to change the time on my clock this weekend. I'm going to set it another 20 minutes fast. Then, it will be 40 minutes slow or something.
I just want a date...line or not.
Embrace the time difference, it makes doing The Rules all the easier - trust me, I know these things.
Puss
If you were addicted to smack, you could totally solve this. Heroin addicts are up at weird hours, perhaps heroin could solve your conundrum...just sayin'
I'm a syringe half full kind of guy
shit mist, now i gotta dig through your seemingly infinite list of links to try and figure out who this lad is. and speaking of reciprocal links....ahem. EH-EHM
I'm confused... you Have a love life???
Just show the guy your panty collection and you'll get more responses.
tug,
I don't like dates. Figs are good though.
puss,
What day is where you are?
furious,
I promised the rehab staff that they wouldn't see me again until next fiscal year. I don't know which time zone my fiscal year starts in.
omni,
I'm horrible with updating my links. Sorry. I'll be on it this weekend.
Anyone else need a link because I'm self-centered and have overlooked you? Anyone want to tell me how to roll them all up neatly?
mayren,
I believe I FedExed him a pair. I came across a tracking number in my pocket and I am missing a pair of panties.
I'm not even sure people in other time zones exist in the same reality as we do.
I'm always surprised to meet them and when I travel to their lands I feel as if I'm traversing a parallel universe. I wonder sometimes how different I'd be if I lived in Central Standard Time. Probably an hour late for everything.
I don't know if it's possible to have a successful relationship across time zones. First of all, for him your from the future which is intimidating since your society is probably much more advanced than his. Secondly, if you ever met him then what ever he is wearing would be like, so three hours ago. Thirdly...oh screw it you're from a time zone ahead of mine. You've probably already responded to this before I even wrote it.
Be Forewarned,
Dagromm
Mist, you got it wrong, we're not actually "mutually linked" because you're not linked to my site. But I'll still do ya, it's cool.
what can I say except good luck - from FAZ (in another time zone several hours east)
I haven't updated links in like 8 months. I mean, it's extra work, right?
So why are you so enamored of this person?
Road trip, lady, road trip.
Thanks for the reminder, that was cute.
Be keeping your eyes opened for someone in your time zone who is just as nice and alluring. That way you can have eye contact to test things out.
I'm not much good on advice on such matters, somehow Mrs. Jim and I figured something out ok.
Oh yes, please check back on us Sunday just in case we forget to change our clocks. Thanks.
..
matt,
Are you still working on the sci-fi novel?
dagromm,
I never thought about the developmental delay between us. You see, I was raised in a different time zone, so I'm a little behind.
othur,
That's mighty generous of you.
faz,
Are cat time zones like nine hours longer or something?
edgy,
He makes me laugh. What's sexier than that?
123,
I am not fun in the car for more than 30 minutes.
jim,
Change your clocks now. So you won't forget.
I agree with 123. If roadtrip isn't in the works what about flying? I mean, just think- this could be like a Harry met Sally moment. Okay I need to stop. I'm getting really excited about this and it's not even my life....
Are you SURE he's in a different time zone? He could just be saying that to totally make you frustrated - when REALLY he is living next door to you and getting a kick out of it. How do you KNOW he even REALLY exists? (heck - it could be his sister pretending to be him). (WHOA - It could REALLY be your mom just messing with ya!!!)
brandy,
Thanks for sharing my passion.
karmyn,
I hope he's real. But now I have doubts.
Time is just an abritrary measure anyway. Just adjust your clock/watch/timepiece to his timezone.
I spend a lot of time living in a different time zone to the one I'm actually in after my friend discovered that the world looks better at 2am than it does at 4am.
"churlita,I think he'd be cute scratching his balls"
I am not kidding. I was scratching my right nut JUST as I read that part of the post about ball scratching. PS I don't watch Sports...catch me re-watching Totoro for the millionth.5 time.
I read your blog all the time looking for some ref. to me...instead I got the 150 firemen blog. This makes up for it in spades...
And I totally knew you were PAH'ruse'in my 'space page!! Who are you most jealous of? Whoses eyes are you going to scratch out?
We should all have the same time. Like when it's midnight in England I;m thinking my inlaws are watching really bad infomercials on tv while I'm watching ENTERTAINMENT tonight!
This so totally explains while you've been available and green all the time lately. I was beginning to think you were stalking me.
I'm ok with the US crap, it's the INTERNATIONAL shit that makes me crazy. My dad is 10 hours ahead of me in time, now 10 is a nice round number but do you think I can figure out what time it is there without counting on my fingers? um, no. Plus living in AZ, I don't have to set and reset any clocks *hair flip*
Yeah... and then when I finish it, um gonna read another one.
rkm,
I'm going to buy a watch just so that I can do that.
anon,
You don't watch sports? When can I move in? Warn the girls. I'm coming.
mogul,
I like infomercials.
fringes,
It's always about you, isn't it?
scotts,
You have a good point about round numbers.
matt,
Trekkie.
I keep reading about this international date line but know what seems to know what the line is. I'm betting it's "I have tons of money" persoanlly. Money is the international language n'est pas?
And it's never about you?
Bummer. Doncha go giving up on that wild passionate sex yet. He may read this and then email you.
Or not.
The Office was a re-run last night. You probably could've told him what happened.
PLUS, it was "THE CONVICT" with PRISON MIKE!!! I freakin love that show.
You can admit your crush is on me.
And how do you know you have ONE pair of panties missing? I have so dang many, I wouldn't know if someone took off with 30 pair!
As long as you don't throw on a pair of diapers and chase after the other women you should be okay. I mean, we know that doesn't work, right?
wave,
"What are you drinking?" is my preferred Intl date line.
fringes,
Thanks for asking about me.
mutt,
Is it too soon to send him my favorite baby names?
alicia,
I don't like you in that way, however, if this thing doesn't work out, I'll call you and talk about it and then you can make a move on me in my moment of weakness.
scotts,
They were very special. I don't know about the rest. These were memorable.
sqt,
Good call. I was just about to load the trunk with duct tape and stuff.
He (I'm assuming?) must be an absolute fool to not jump a plane and fly to your time zone. Whatta putz.
lee,
I've moved into my defensive phase. Don't you dare call him a fool.
hell mist, i'll thank you if i can ~find~ my abs, forget them looking fabulous! lol
You should lust after someone in Hawaii. It's such a romantic place, and they don't do the stupid time change thing so you would both come out even every time.
at least your guys has legs he can use....
I wish the International Date Line would ruin MY love life. It would explain a lot.
heather,
Keep laughing, you'll find your abs.
hearts,
Maybe we'll both relocate there.
dallas,
I'll have to ask him about his legs.
muser,
Be careful what you wish for. You don't want to be agonizing like I am.
What would be cool is if there were only two time zones, 12 hours apart. Then it would be the same time everywhere, and you could jump back and forth over the line and go "Noon! Midnight! Noon! Midnight!"
No no no NO fractionalizing anything. I have a hard time using my fingers that way.
Yes. Way to soon. First he better at least contact you..... Don't scare him away until AFTER you have sex.
fine... I dont want a link, if they want me, they can find me.
and now? I am so curious about how far you want to go for lust.. i mean love! :giggles:
You are entirely too popular.
I have nothing clever to say. I'm leaving now to lube myself.
diesel,
I am pretty sure that you are brilliant.
c,
I am excellent with my fingers.
mutt,
If he sees me in the morning, he'll be scared.
melanie,
The L word is a strong word.
brooke,
I have never been popular before. Please tell the girls I went to high school with that I am in the In Crowd now.
umm...just get on a plane and fly there...*shrug* see him, kiss him, and then get back on and fly away. ;-)
The minute you give him the winning Powerball numbers is the minute that true love is formed. Make me proud, Mist.
nofear,
That seems like a perfectly good use for all my miles.
mystery,
I thought love was based on vodka, not Powerball.
My Bubby is scared of the women in his office. They are always hitting on him so he completely ignores them. And you are so right, it just makes their devotion that much stronger.
tallulah,
Ignoring me will get you nowhere.
I can totally relate. And now with the time change (is it spring ahead and fall behind or is it there is a spring in my behind so I better not fall? I can never remember...) I will only get more confused.
But we haven't even exchanged links yet? Tell ya what, I'll place one of yours on mine if you place one of mine on yours!
That didn't sound as dirty as I hoped. Nuts.
Anyway, your link is up. What should I call you? "Must Get Hobby?" Advise please.
You may call me "*BNR* is *Blog Name Removed*"
Yeah, I feel ya, Mist. I'm dealing with seven time zones with my lover, two with my sister, and one with my mom. I just phone everybody in the middle of the night, and use having failed algebra three times as an excuse...
Cyber love is always the best. No farting, snoring, burping, scratching of nuts EVER.
All the perfect men of the world are on the internets.
laurie,
I have no idea what time it is. Anywhere. I don't wear a watch because they die within a few hours.
todd,
Call me anything you'd like. Must Get Hobby is good...my blog name sucks. I'll update my links later this weekend when I'm sober.
speed,
I think I completely understand you.
qofd,
I'm not finding the humor in the irony.
steph,
Still, I think I could tolerate a little snoring. It would be cute.
"this weekend when I'm sober"? You get sober on weekends? Why? Are you sick or something? Should I send flowers?
BTW, that plunger comment was hysterical. I've got two more sets to switch out and it still sounds like a good idea.
shocking that your kind of availability isn't working on him, different time zone or not.
todd,
There's a narrow window of time on weekends when I'm actually sober. It's sometime between when I get out of bed and when I make a bloody mary.
olives,
I think he's playing hard to get.
perhaps he's not attracted to fish? maybe you should post a real picture. Unless of course, you really are a fish, in which case I apologize.
yvonne,
Very few people have seen me. I plan on wooing him with my words, if that doesn't work, I'll flood his email box with naughty photos.
You are hilarious!
paula,
I'm hoping he goes for that kind of thing.
He sounds like a real heartless bastard if he doesn't just rush over there for a quick ravishing of your paper-shredder.
Time waits for no man..
grunt,
I have the perfect pair of shoes to be ravished in.
Mist any guy who hasn't noticed you is blind
Either way, one of you is going to be tired everytime you talk. But if it's worth it what's a little insomnia.
Wait! Is that why I can't find myself on the blog roll over there? You've been so preoccupied with this cat, you forgot that I've returned?
I won't take it personally. No really, I won't.
Grrrr......
100.
shadow,
I have a thing for blind men. I can read braille.
kiyotoe,
I bet it sort of felt like that you refused to speak to me at the poetry slam. Now tuck in your skirt and baby powder your nuts, I'll put you back on the A-list.
booda,
The comments here are the best. I start my days with Coke. No, not that kind of coke. Coke Cherry Zero.
brooke,
Technically, I think the number of comments increases by one due to the time change.
Damn, my skirt? Powder my nuts?
Damn.
kiyotoe,
It's kinda hot when you put it like that.
Awww... you wouldn't tell him what happened on the Office. That's really sweet. I wish MY BLOODY BOYFRIEND had the same consideration when I miss an ep.
*sigh*
amy,
I am totally committed to not ruining The Office for him. Unless he pisses me off.
I always thought the same thing with the time fractions!
miztris,
Let's try to get Congress to pass a new law.
The object of my affections lives far, far away.
They usually do.
jack,
It's like he knows that it kills me.
"the perfect pair of shoes to be ravished in"
That's a million dollar advertising campaign waiting to be promoted. Copywrite that right now.
todd,
Really, you should see the shoes.
jack,
Did he tell you that? What else did he say about me?
um. he is in a different time zone. what is the problem here? that is the perfect people to fall in lust with.
k,
I suppose it would be okay if he came home late. I would think he was early.
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