To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Monday, March 12, 2007

All Your Beets Are Belong to Us

I like food in jars, except for animal body parts and eggs in brine. I have a strange fascination with that stuff. I like beets and pickles and mushrooms and smelly kimchi and even those little creepy looking albino asparagus stalks in jars.

Jarred food is the perfect quick meal. I stand in front of the fridge in my underwear with a pair of chopsticks and eat, it's like a jarred food buffet.

Despite all the hand jobs that I have given to strengthen my delicate fingers, I still struggle when opening new jars. I grunt and curse and pound the jar on the counter top. I run it under warm water and cool water and strain myself trying to get into the jar. Finally, I will resign and put on my pants so that I can ask my neighbor if he will open the jar for me. One day, I will learn to make this into a sexier encounter. I think that I could say, "Excuse me, but could you get into my purple pickled cabbage?" in a voice that would reek of seduction. He's nice enough to not say anything about how sweaty I am and always says something like, "Much obliged, Ma'am. Enjoy your baby corn."

My new vibrator came in the mail the other day. It arrived in a clear plastic case, which isn't the level of privacy that I had hoped for. I waited to use it until the mood was right. I took a glass of wine to bed with me and turned my phone off so that we wouldn't be disturbed. I knocked over the glass in the dark while fumbling to locate my self-warming "massage" oil. I cursed and wished that I owned a bedside lube dispenser. I turned on the lamp and jotted down that idea on an index card complete with a sketch of the prototype so that I wouldn't forget it later. Then, I turned off the light and whispered sweet nothings to my new B.O.B. in his case. He shuddered with anticipation.

Here is what I've learned: never lube before attempting to open the plastic case.

I got out of bed and put on my robe. I pondered knocking on my neighbor's door with my head hung in shame. I imagined handing him the slippery case without making eye contact. I thought about bringing over a jar of olives for him to open as a way to break the ice.

Then, I realized that I had forgotten to buy batteries.

Defeated, I washed my greasy hands, turned my phone to vibrate and waited for someone to call me.

Mist 1


At 9:47 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

That was an awesome post.

I haven't given anyone a hand job in a long, long time and I can always open jars. You might want to quit with the hand jobs and see if your muscles don't work better after a little rest...Unless you want to have reason to ask the neighbor to open your jar.

At 9:52 PM, Blogger Jim said...

There comes a certain age where you have the grocery store clerk open your jars.
The other things, ...

At 9:57 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

desperate times calls for desperate measures...

put on the shortest skirt you have, look cutesy and beg him for help with the packaging.

then ask to borrow some batteries and leave.

At 10:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Maybe I am suffering from overuse of my hand muscles.


The clerks at the grocery store are jail bait.


Asking for batteries is going too far. A cup of sugar, yes. Batteries, no.

At 10:43 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Everything's a learning experience, isn't it?

At 10:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I need to take notes.

Thanks for coming by.

At 11:12 PM, Blogger briliantdonkey said...

when they DID finally call did you hang up and tell them to call back over and over and over till the job was done? Not that I know what you were getting at or have done that myself.


At 11:18 PM, Blogger Lizza said...

Oh, M1. You are truly one-of-a-kind.

My, what strong fingers you have...not. Maybe you can exercise them some more--with your neighbor's participation.

At 11:25 PM, Blogger The Muser said...

This is why I always recommend having a back up vibrator, for emergency situations like this.

At 11:28 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I love watching guys open jars. Preferably when they're naked.

At 12:28 AM, Blogger NeverEZme said...

A clearly enjoyable post.

At 1:27 AM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

Is your neighbor hot? Because I guess I'm wondering... if you have a man at your disposal who lives next door, then maybe you don't even need a BOB.

My self-warming "massage oil" is crap. I can't detect any temperature difference.

At 2:36 AM, Anonymous Bice said...

I feel dirty when I use the vibrate on my phone.

At 3:35 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Had I known I would have texted you all night long, baby.

At 3:58 AM, Blogger EsLocura said...

I invested (wisely I might add) on a back up BOB, in fact I have a back up for my back up, a girl can never be too careful.

At 4:12 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

oh, you poor thing... Well, now you know what it's like to have a boyfriend in prison

At 4:46 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

First of all, your title is very clever, but also gives you a level of geek cred I wouldn't have assumed you had.

Secondly, 300 is worth seeing on the IMAX. (Don't listen to CP!)

Finally, a lube dispenser is a brilliant idea!

At 5:06 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

sigh.... i told you, it's an accordion, an accordion... got it?

smiles, bee

At 5:11 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

If you gave us all your cell number and assigned us times to call in one minute intervals, you could probably get a good hour alone with your phone some night.

At 5:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a date with my rabbit on Saturday, only to find that the batteries were dead.

I ended up eating chocolate.

At 5:16 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I pretended that we had a bad connection and hung up.


Well, that's mighty neighborly.


I'm not a planner.


I have got to rent the same kind of movies that you watch.


It wasn't that enjoyable at the time.

h & b,

I had to try a few different brands before I found a winner.


You are dirty.


You were busy with your radio show.


You must have been (of done) a Scout.


Oh, I'm already pretty familiar with that.


Geek chicks are pretty hot.


I'm not that musical. I have a violin.

At 5:17 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Sweet Post. Thanks for the imagery. It's going to be a long monday.

At 5:17 AM, Anonymous Average Jane said...

I am just impressed that you ordered a vibrator through the mail. Mine have all been in store purchases. I like to talk to the salesperson who you KNOW has tried them all. Talk about a fringe benefit.

Speaking of, any suggestions? I'm on the market for a new one.

At 5:32 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

That was great! I'm still laughing. I could use that bedside lube dispenser!

At 5:39 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Gee if you get that bedside lube dispenser in production, knitting groups could start making lil lube dispenser cozy covers and selling them at the craft bizarres.

At 5:51 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Yes they are.

At 5:52 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

You know you can call yourself from the house phone if you're sitting on the cell phone. Might speed up the process, just sayin'!

At 6:13 AM, Blogger speedwobble said...


Well I can't help you with the BOB package, but I will tell you my pickle-jar secret: that rubbery stuff you put under mats to keep them from slipping on lino or tile. You can buy it at IKEA or WalMart. It costs about two dollars. Cut it into little strips, and use one to hold the jar, and one to hold the lid. Twist. Works like a charm.

If only I could teach my vibrator to fix the car, I'd have no need to get a botfriend.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I think Apple has the next solution in this area of convergence. It's called the iFuck.

At 6:19 AM, Blogger heather said...

until you can get your lube dispenser produced try one of those shower caddies with the shampoo and conditioner dispenser. you can use one for lube and the other for sanitizer. ;-)
btw, beets are ~not~ a food! i don't care what anyone says. lol

At 7:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


A long, hard Monday.


I did a pre-shop in the store.

Thanks for coming by.


I know, it's a good idea, right?


That's a great idea.


It's part of my thing.


I can't find my home phone. It's in the bottom of a closet somewhere.


Thenks for the helpful tips.


Is that like the OhMiBod?


Beets are food.

At 7:23 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Damn Mist, is the house next to you up for sale?

I'm moving in....

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

unless it was Sue who called you - you must have had a lonely nite.

At 8:07 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Oh, how tragic!

I'd definitely order one of those lube dispensers as long as it's not delivered in a clear, plastic case.


At 8:09 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Good thing you didn't post your phone number... You may have been dead by now.

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Tug said...

I'll never look at pickled okra the same now...

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Alicia said...

I have a bedside lube dispenser. Sorry. You brought it up.

When opening a jar, try hitting the lid with a spoon.

At 8:26 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

Or you could install a lube firehose aimed down the middle of your bed with a remote. It would be like a sexy civil rights riot in your bed every night.

At 8:30 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Jar openers are very inexpensive, but then, what fun is that. And hey, you could have asked your neighbor for batteries. ;) Or, if all else fails you could have used your house phone to call yourself.

At 8:39 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


We would have the most fun ever. Please note that I also frequently need my neighbor to come and pick me up from bars.


Actually, Sue did call me. She swaps out batteries from her remote control and vibrator. Mine don't share the same size batteries.


I know. There needs to be a law.


What a way to die.


I don't do okra. Ever. Too slimy.


I can't believe that someone else has already invented that.


Civil rights are sexy.


You mean, they make a tool for opening jars?

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

You can use a regular lotion dispenser as a lube dispenser. You can buy cool, funky, empty dispensers now at spas and boutiquey-type stores.

Best of luck with your B.O.B.!

At 9:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I need something mounted on the wall. Also, I like to use the word mounted.

At 9:16 AM, Blogger Curiosity.Killer said...

I'll take one of those lube dispenser. Call me when you got your prototype.

At 9:22 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Funny post! Hand jobs do nothing for hand strength-conditioning, by the way. For it to work the way you think it does, you'd have to tear it off about 100 times a night.

At 9:27 AM, Blogger tammy said...

Maybe now you can check Get Hobby off your To Do List! It will leave tons of extra time for flossing. Unless you add a new item to the list, like Master Hobby.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Something that also dispenses wet wipes would be good too.


Even I don't have that much time on my hands.


I have lots of other things that I need to do around here, but I think I'll change it to Get Hubby. That should take me a long time.

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Tiggerlane said... much anticipation, so little satisfaction.

I've given up on my BOBs...they break too easily. However, I did have a retarded man show up on my porch one night, and ask me for two double-A batteries, so it's not TOTALLY unheard of. You just have to pretend you're a retard. And hope that your neighbor doesn't call the cops.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't have to pretend to be retarded.

At 10:12 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

I'm speechless.

No, wait, I have something to say:

Mist, this post is an eloquent exposition of the marxist theory of the societal intensification process.A hundred years ago, those strong fingers would have done all the work! Tsk.


At 10:17 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

post your cell #.... :)

At 10:25 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I NEVER run out of batteries....that would cause some serious problems - Bob with no batteries is no bueno!

As for the jars....get a bottle opener (you no the manual kind) and put it under the rim and lift to break the seal the BAM! you can open that jar!

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I bang the shit out of the jar on the countertop, sends the cats to the four corners of the house and the dogs running with tails between their legs, but it works Every.Time.

As for the bedside lube dispenser...please let me know when they are available for purchase. kthanks.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

And MY new vibrator? Holds 3 (THREE!) C batteries. Skeered me at first, but now....

At 11:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

From beating it to beets, I would think you could just leave your door ajar (ha ha) and those knowing you could just slip in and solve your problems. Plus it would add a little intrigue as to who would venture in eh?

At 11:56 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I've been getting so political here lately.




Good suggestion.


Three C's? That's impressive.


The way you wrote "slip in" kinda made me squirm.

At 12:05 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnnnnd of course when you want someone to call..... typical.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

Mist1: Just when I think that you can't possibly write someitme better, greater and funnier than your last post, you always come through...this made me giggle..

p.s. I buy batteries at Cost Co
bulk I have learned is alway I wonder where one would find a bedside lube dispenser??

At 12:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm not used to waiting by the phone all night.


I'm quitting this whole blogging thing and making handy inventions.

At 1:26 PM, Blogger Comedy + said...

Mist1...Wow, now that's what I call a major emergency. What kind of batteries does your toy take along with your address and I'll ship you a case say...every week or so? Keep them coming.

At 1:44 PM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

I can't believe you didn't go nextdoor and ask your neighbor for batteries.

At 1:56 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I like food in jars, except for animal body parts and eggs in brine.

I struggled to read past this point.

You do have a saucy way of associated a unopenable jar with sexaul stimuli, even if you forget the essentials.

Good effort :)

At 2:32 PM, Blogger Sebastien said...

Come on, what a great way to break the ice with sexy neighbors...

Totally should have gone to the most attractive neighbors house and asked for help. There's no shame in asking for help...

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Brookelina said...

And here I thought I was good at opening jars because of working out. Now I know better. I'll forever secretly giggle whenever I pop open a jar of olives.

At 2:50 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Aw, isn't that just the saddest thing. My deepest sympathies, mist. A jar of gherkins might make you feel better.

At 3:00 PM, Anonymous hellohahanarf said...

who hasn't been in that situation. i mean really?

hope tonight is better for ya!

At 4:35 PM, Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Oh, that's a pretty sad state of affairs, isn't it? It all went so wrong. Still, there's always the next time...

At 4:38 PM, Blogger Sornie said...

This entry made me realize that I miss receiving handjobs. There's a real art to it, forget science, this is a learned skill.

At 5:29 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Sorry the night took such a bad turn Since you had your phone, you should have tried to call the object of your affections who lives across the country. I'm sure he could have opened your jar. Sorry, you know what I mean.

Sounds like you've got a pretty good neighbor. Mine is only good for bringing in my trash cans after I leave them out for 5 days...yes, I now leave them out on purpose.

At 5:35 PM, Blogger Princess of the Universe said...

Post a picture of the prototype- please!!!

At 5:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am ashamed to admit the size of the batteries.


There are some awkward experiences that I'm just not trying to go through.


I like jarred food and vibrators, what's so weird about that?


If I was good at asking for help, I wouldn't need a vibrator.


We should start a hand job olympics.


Did you mean a jar of jerk-ins?


Thanks for feeling my pain. And thanks for coming by.


I will be more prepared. I have learned from my mistakes.


It is an art form.


I was trying to fantasize about him opening my jar.

At 5:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Can I trust you all with my well-conceived inventions?

Thanks for coming by.

At 5:45 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I see that there are already 69 comments. How fitting.

That is one of the saddest stories I've ever heard.Some days, a girl just can't get laid.

It didn't come (er) in a plain brown wrapper? Really?

At 5:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Clear plastic case with a label and postage. I can never look my mailman in the eye again.

At 5:50 PM, Blogger Todd said...

There's really no way for me to write a witty comment to this one without sounding retarded...

...and yet I just tried.

At 5:55 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! OMG, Mist! You are hilarious! Only you can make "excuse me, but could you get into my purple picked cabbage" sound sexy!!

At 6:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I do not take points off comments for retardedness.


Purple pickled cabbage is sexy. You get to pout so many times when you say it. Go ahead, try it.

At 6:21 PM, Blogger kris said...

i'm surprised you haven't learned from Michael Jackson how to solve this problem. (no, don't hire little boys to be your friend) Get a trained monkey. He could open jars for slippery packages...and even hold the vibrator if you felt especially close to him:P

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Glaziersgirl said...

When the batteries die, just ask the neighbor to open a nice big jar of Vlasic dills. Could work in a pinch and the cold is sorta exciting....just sayin!

At 6:27 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Well, I think if your neighbor has obliged you in the past and is an apparent willing future canditate, forget the interational date line and just cross your own hallway-not with a jar for him to open, but with a jar you will open with the strength of your inner thighs-now that won't require any lube, for either of you.....

At 6:32 PM, Blogger Ryan said...

I engineer all sorts of odd things. Your boyfriend is perfect for opening jars. The downside is, unless someone is there to help you, BOB would have to be held in your mouth while you twisted the lid. Vibration is perfect for those sort of things...

I'm not sure what would come off first - the lid or your teeth.

Maybe that wasn't a good idea after all.

At 6:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Clearly, you have no understanding of my tremendous fear of monkeys.


I prefer spears.


I will not betray the man on the other side of the Earth who doesn't know that I'm alive.


I am a little obsessive about my teeth.

At 7:08 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Time to invest in an econo-pack of batteries. That, or come up with a seductive line for the neighbor that involves your AA's (you can take that several directions).

At 7:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am not ashamed of my AAs. In fact, my cup almost runneth over. These are practically As.

At 7:51 PM, Blogger Stan said...

I hate beets, they are NOT food. The lube dispense is a good idea. If you came to my door asking for batteries...No problem. seems perfectly normal thing for a good neighbor to help out with.

At 8:32 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

too funny, now post of photo of the vibrator!

At 8:42 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I wish that we were neighbors. Except for the beet part, you seem like a perfectly nice guy.


Are we still on speaking terms? I thought that whole funny Negro in blackface post was the end of our relationship.

At 3:49 PM, Blogger Kiyotoe said...

.......................... (means I'm speechless)

At 11:00 PM, Blogger CondoBlogger said...

Holy crap you are funny.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


C'mon, you always have something to say.


It's sort of my thing. Some days, I am funnier than others. Other days, I just talk about my crotch.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger Megs said...

I can only imagine your neighbors crack me up!

At 8:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Sometimes, I feel bad for my entire community.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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