Indoor Kids
My friend Kathy has been pregnant since 1997. I don't even remember what she looks like when she's not pregnant. I have no idea how many children she has because I think she has them in litters. Every time I see her, there are at least three new ones. She can't squeeze them all into her Toyota when she needs to go to the grocery store. She leaves some of them at home with her husband or they take two cars. I don't think that I have ever seen her with all of her children.I can't tell them apart. All children look the same to me. Children's faces should be on the tops of their heads so that you can tell them apart without having to stoop down to get a look at them. I can't tell how old they are and the younger they are, the less likely it is that I can determine their gender.
I went over to her house for the first time in years yesterday. One of the kids (female, not in diapers) let me in. She told me that her mom was in the kitchen and then went back to playing with matches. I picked my way over the bodies of children playing on the floor. I felt like a Marine, only with a good haircut. I kept saying, "dead bodies everywhere, dead bodies everywhere," over and over again in my head.
Kathy was sitting in a chair in the kitchen with several kids strapped into highchairs and booster seats. There was a pile of uncooked rice on the floor. I was going to offer to clean it up, but then I figured that the United Nations had probably just dropped it from a helicopter.
Everywhere I looked, there were children. They just ran around in circles, bumping into each other, falling over, crying, and blowing snot bubbles. I remembered a conversation that I had with Kathy years ago about birth control. Kathy didn't want to be on artificial hormones, but apparently really, really enjoys sex. She told me at the time that she was using wild yam to prevent pregnancy. I'm thinking that maybe she used it wrong. She was probably supposed to masturbate with a wild yam, not take some gelatin free capsule of dehydrated herbs and have sex with an actual man. I kept this thought to myself.
We had a conversation in 30 second spurts interrupted by Kathy banging her head into the kitchen table every time one of the kids threw up, punched another kid, or got head stuck in the washing machine.
When it was time to leave, the door was blocked by children milling about in clockwise circles. "Excuse me," I said politely. There was no response. I looked at Kathy for help. Kathy was wiping crap off of her sleeve and yelled, "y'all get away from that damn door and let Ms. Mist out!" Some of the kids stood there staring out of the door, the rest changed direction and wandered in counter clockwise circles. I looked back at Kathy who was now on the phone and encouraging one of the kids to stop, drop and roll.
I pushed through the kids and opened the door. It reminded me of when people come to my house and as they open the door I scream at them not to let the cat out. I was not quick enough. The second I opened the door, two of the kids escaped. They were stunned for a second and then filled with the elation of being outside.
"Kathy, some of the kids got out," I called to her. She waved me off.
I think she must have one of those invisible fences to shock them if they leave the yard. She should really should install a doggy door.
Mist 1
Posted by Mist1 @ 6:45 AM
105 Comments:
She was probably just glad to have fewer to keep track of. She probably leaves the door open on purpose sometimes, in the hopes that at least two or three of 'em will hook up with wandering minstrel troupes or at least Girl Scouts schlepping cookie orders around the neighborhood.
The wild yam sentence made me huff out some Snickerdoodle crumbs, as I read it. I should know better than to eat cookies when I read your blog.
jocelyn,
I really want some Girl Scout cookies now.
That was the most depressing thing I've ever read on your blog. It made me want to mainline every artificial hormone I can find and then masturbate with a yam. Maybe I should wait a little longer before I start thinking about dating again.
Thanks for the laugh...you're post totally cracked me up!!!
You are scaring me! What is this, Halloween? Gah! It reminds me of an art project I did with plastic babies all over a plaster cast of my breast, circling like ants.
Were you at my sister's house? (and yes, I'm being serious.)
mmm. snickerdooles. If I didn't need to head to bed soon I'd go make some.
My best birth control method? I get all hopped up on artificial hormones and men still don't want me. Maybe I should try Wild Yam. Apparently taking it means I will get some.
churlita,
I'm sorry I depressed you. Have fun with the yam.
ee,
Laughter is sort of my thing.
Thanks for coming by.
mo,
Your art scares me.
karmyn,
What's your sister's husband's name?
gina,
Wild yam is a sure shot. Works every time.
Best kind of kids. Someone else's. Anyone else's.
Next time? Bring them all those little plastic recorder flutes. (My brother still won't let me come back over.)
By the by, heading your way this weekend. A little trip to Hotlanta. Get some barbecue, visit a couple lawyers. Wish williebee was still there at the zoo. sigh.
willie,
I prefer to call this place Mylanta. Email me. Let's have drinks and watch panda porn.
just so very hilarious...and scary. do i really want children? probably, but certainly not a flock (gaggle?) of them
elizabeth,
This is what I love about comments. You have raised an excellent point. The proper term for that many children is "gang."
Thanks for coming by.
If I could, I would kiss my IUD right now.
(And if I could kiss my IUD, I probably wouldn't even need a man, you know?)
natalie,
I am so intrigued by the IUD. I have never seen a real one. Nor have I seen a UFO. Totally different, I know. One keeps you from getting pregnant and the other impregnates you. But still, both acronyms.
OMG...reading your post, I could totally envision your friend's house...kids everywhere. As much as I think kids are great, that sounded like a nightmare! I hope you didn't get your lovely shoes all mucked up in goopy stuff walking through the house.
I work on nights sometimes with a guy that brings his two younglings in and they run a round like chickens with their heads cut off.
If only these 6th floor windows opened...
This was just natures way of thinning the herd. She'll likely have more before she even notices these two are gone.
i knew a girl who masterbated with a yam once. in 6 weeks she had an entire potato garden.
it was just wrong.
but good potato salad.
I feel blessed to be barren...or is it just that I'm not having enough sex whilst taking yam supplements!
Ok, that was pure geniously hysterical. Seriously. It's like 4:30 AM and I think my laughing woke my neighbors up.
We grow yams here at the aslyum,thanks for the new marketing ploy. "yams, you too can come" of ocurse I will have to add fine print that warns of correct usaged so I don't get sued for the "gangs".
something about the typeface you use for your blogs made me think that "wild yams" was "wild yarns". Also, the fact that it's 5:07 am and I'm not yet in bed. But anyway - I was utterly confused. "masturbate with yarn?" I thought. "that seems like it would be far too tricky to be worth it.
Then I read some comments and discovered the error of my ways.
maybe some of them will eventually eat eachother, and then she'll have fewer kids to worry about.
chrissy,
Thanks for thinking of my shoes. That will win you big points.
blitz,
Shouldn't the kids be asleep at night, or does he have nocturnal kids?
bice,
You must watch a lot of Animal Planet.
yasamin,
I think that's what happened to the potatoes in my cupboard.
spoon,
Go to your nearest natural foods store and stock up on wild yam.
es,
Assylum was an excellent adult movie. There were no yams.
h & b,
Gives new meaning to crochet.
choo,
Plus, she'd save a fortune in groceries.
Wait isn't Wild Yam for muscle strains - isn't that what that hussy girl cheerleader was rubbing all over Keanu Reeves in that movie??? Umm the Replacements I think it was....
cheeky,
Didn't Keanu get pregnant at the end of that movie?
mist, rush imediately to the nearest shoe store. you can not allow yourself to fall asleep until you have filled your memory bank with much more pleasant pictures. a gang of kids, good grief. i have one child and a husband. that's more than enough. (anyone want to borrow the husband? he doesn't clean, fix things, or buy me shoes but he is good for the occasional romp in the proverbial hay and keeping the couch from floating away.)
heather,
It's too late. I'm scarred for life. Also, you can't just go giving your husband away. You have to auction him off to the highest bidder.
"It is this adult expression pattern of Mist1 that we are particularly interested in .."
A true quote from a Pedue Scientist. See here: www.bio.purdue.edu/people/faculty/konieczny/index.htm.
Apparently they know about you, but just have not found you yet..............
If you stop hanging around your friend Kathy and her kids, well, for sure Purdue could get on with figuring out your "adult expression patterm".
I obviously can't see my mis-spellings until AFTER I hit PUBLISH.........these darn screen on lap tops are SMALL..................
I'm surprised you survived the ordeal.
You should have grabbed a couple taken them home with you so that they could do all of the house work… like mini umpa lumpas
My nose wrinkled as I read - I bet they smelled bad - children always smell bad. Try walking into a classroom of thirty of the little buggers. Makes me gag to remember.
Personally, I found school teaching the most effective contraception.
Puss
My period just started and I was about to bitch about that too but seeing as I just have one little ass to wipe ... I am at peace now.
Maybe she is having so many kids so that she can open her own sweat shop and manufacture shoes. I bet she will give you a discount.
I only have one kid but he makes a big enough mess for 10. I feel for your friend.
gucci,
I can't click the link. Lots of people know about me but have not found me yet. Sometimes, that's a theme around here. I don't grade comments on spelling.
av,
I'm surprised the kids survived.
mj,
I thought about adopting a few. I want to feel like a real celebrity.
puss,
The air was sticky and warm in the house. Everything was sticky and warm.
c,
I only wipe one a$$ too. Mine.
reba,
Funny. She did go to school for fashion design. How did I not put that together?
yvonne,
I think she likes having that many kids. I mean, it looked like she was having a good time, especially when she collapsed into a pile of Legos. I think those were tears of joy.
Reminds me of the time I tried to get adopted by a better family. I just skulked about the garage for a bit until they told me to "git" and chased me off with rocks.
Hey Mist? Are you available for baby-sitting and what are your fees?
Love so many wonderful phrases here but "I felt like a Marine, only with a good haircut" made me larf out loud.
No Invisible fence needed. Just let them go and whoever comes back, well, it will still be too many.
Wild yams? Y'know, after spending the whole day with only two kids, the only birth control that I'll consider is the barrier method... he's on one side of a door, I'm on the other.
-velvet
I am so happy I was born without a desire for children. I feel so free.
-N
Ok - I thought I was funny, but you are INSPIRATIONAL! I just started blogging and I humbly bow down to you. You're right - funny is definitely your "thing". BTW - I lived in Smyrna for 3 years and god help me I have moved back to the freezing NE. Damn divorced even screwed up my climate! LOL. Thanks for the laugh - I've bookmarked you. Please check out my new blog and any advice would be greatly appreciated! BTW - what happened to WillieB?
www.crazydivorceditalian.blogspot.com
matt,
A better family said "git?" Damn. How does your family talk?
slick,
It depends on what's in your liquor cabinet.
thomas,
Seriously, my haircut is better.
velvet,
I heard that's more effective than the pill, the shot, and the ring together.
natalia,
I can feel the love.
mama,
I feel weird calling you Mama. I don't even call my own mother that. She would kill me. People are always telling me how inspirational I am to them. Usually, they go to rehab shortly afterwards. Put me on your visitors list.
LMAO! This reminds me of my in-laws. None of them have pets and when they come here they just stand in the door and hold the door open ALL THE TIME! If my cats get out, I WILL KILL THEM! I don't let their children wander outside when I'm at their house - and I expect the same respect with my cats! ps. I think shock collars on kids are a good idea. if that can't happen, I should at least be able to taser ones that annoy me.
miztris,
You were as moved by The Babysitter's Club books as I was. I can tell.
Uh, yeah. I tend to make things up. I call it creative license. Like the time I visited Ohio, which we both know is not even a real state.
"Children's faces should be on the tops of their heads so that you can tell them apart without having to stoop down to get a look at them."
I don't care who you are, that's funny.
Also, I can't get over the little Yorkie pic. so cute!
Hilarious, as usual!
Maybe you could suggest sterilization? Or maybe she could ship a couple of em to Africa and then they could get adopted by some celebrities?
Or maybe they could start a circus? A gymnasitcs team? A plague?
I'm here to help.
Hey You! I've so missed visiting my favorite blogs for the past 10 days...Future posts will explain a little of what was going on. Hopefully, this evening I can sit down at catch up on my reading here. I need a laugh or ten.
Rather than 'coptering in rice, the UN should tranquelize her via sniper and then drop an Ob/Gyn doc in to tie her tubes!
I'll send them a memo...
"FREE! Be FREE, little ones!" You shoved a few into the road, didn't you?
Wow a Korn reference and kids puking, it's like a re-run of Pee Wee's Playhouse. Seriously though constructing a bivouac of children is the best defense against terrorists.
matt,
I really like the idea of Ohio. There's so many cities. I can't remember the names of any of them except Cleveland. That's in Ohio, right?
scotts,
Wouldn't it just make more sense?
lee,
I think you got it with the plague thing. Well done, Lee.
swamp,
Welcome back. You've missed a lot of good stuff about my crotch.
lcg,
I think she knows what she's doing. She's clearly planning to populate her own nation. Now, all they need is a parcel of land and sovereignty.
Thanks for coming by.
ctw,
I did not shove. I gently coaxed.
furoius,
Kathy is doing her part. We should all thank her. If she doesn't reproduce, the terrorists win.
Children's faces should be on the tops of their heads so that you can tell them apart without having to stoop down to get a look at them.
All in due time, Mist1. Evolution is a slow process. I think you're onto something, though. Good call.
And this is why I have only two of them.
Your description fits about any houshold with 3 or more kids.
My nephew just stands aghast and says I am the best birth control ever. Our house is not even chaotic. My kidless friend is awestruck also, but ONLY YOU could describe it so hillariously-"dead bodies" was cracking me up. There were others too, but that was the best.
furious,
I can spell furious. Honestly.
alicia,
I live in the South. We don't believe in evolution here. Maybe G*d will decide to make some changes over time.
weather,
Did you implant them with microchips in case I come over and let one out?
wreck,
That's what it looked like. Children were hanging over the arms of furniture, suspended in curtains, and scattered throughout every room.
Reminder to self - Miss Mist missed her chance to come to the house of jali - now that I see how visits are discussed here, I'll have to meet Miss Mist elsewhere.
Didja like that? Miss Mist Missed....heh-heh-heh
simply too damn funny...
jali,
Where was my invite?
dee,
It was kind of horrifying at the time.
Mist - sounds like the Perfect Birth Control to me !!!
meg,
You'd think the suggestion of sex would turn me off right now. I'm still thinking incessantly about sex, but I'm kinda disgusted by rice.
What a nightmare (shivers)....
One good thing about a wife like that: you know she puts out.
claudia,
I'm sorry if I've scared you.
lbb,
I can't believe they're not sick of each other yet.
1
Finally, someone who could update Plato.
Sounds like something from the movies. next time, take photos
0,
Dana Plato?
junk,
I was more concerned about my safety than documenting the experience.
Sooooo...did she ever find the missing kids?
fringes,
Not my concern. I didn't see anything on the news.
Thank you for this story. It makes my home and two kids seem almost peaceful in comparison.
mist honey did you get the very elaborate gift i had shipped to you from the islands? they said you should have it by now and i am so excited to see if you like it. i'll give you a little hint. it is shaped like a shoe and it feels good. got it? smiles, bee
LOL! Yes, Mist. If this isn't a mantra, I don't know what is ;)
MUST
TAKE
GOOD
CARE
OF
PRECIOUS
SHOES
My mom once told me she thinks I have more shoes than Imelda Marcos :( I wasn't aware that shoe and purse fetishes were a crime...
edgy,
I'm glad that I could help. I try to help someone every day. Okay, that last part isn't true.
bee,
How many guesses can I take? I love games.
chrissy,
I want to be just like Imelda when I grow up.
I think she must have one of those invisible fences to shock them if they leave the yard. She should really should install a doggy door.
No, that's not it! It's just that when you have so many, it doesn't matter if a few go away. Some other family may pick them up and take care of them, and so forth.
It all works itself out in the end.
I totally love your posts, come see me, I'm naked!
Children tend to fear me...it's probably the red glowing eyes.
It sounds to me like she has Gremlins instead of kids. She must have fed them after midnight, spilled water on them, or some other crazy thing made them mulitply.
Do you think she could teach them how to sew/make clothes?
i laughed out loud reading this. are people like that aware of the fact that they are a health hazard, noise pollution violation and just generally annoying? they have to.
dan,
Is that a personal story?
tkk,
Yeah, about that black face picture...really?
ariel,
I've always wanted eyes like that.
gsr,
I've seen her kids in the sunlight. You might be right. Kathy has the patience of a saint. I'm sure she would teach you.
k,
I'm one of the few people that understands that I'm annoying. It's very, very rare for people to know this.
She should get her husband fixed. The U.N. can't possibly keep up with this situation.
umm...is visiting her your way of practicing birth control? Jeessh...lol.
and birth control with a yam?!? i'm so confused.
Haaaaaa! Damn, it sounds like romper room up in there!
Everyone else has already tried to bring the funny, so I'll just say, "great post." Love it.
sqt,
Norway has already promised 10,000 troops.
nofear,
Don't be confused. Just say no to wild yam.
paula,
Your definition of romper room and mine vary greatly.
fab,
Exactly.
ajooja,
Thanks. I like to hear that.
This whole procreation responsiblity baffles me. Really. What would be so bad about us being the last generation? The 80 year olds already have the "greatest generation" covered. We could be the non-generating generation."
I'll bet every other living creature would celebrate- except my cats. If they outlive me and have to start fending for themselves, they'll never figure out how to open the cat food cans.
This post cracked me up! I can really relate to this post. Your friends house is just like mine. Scary.
And the freakiest part of it all is that I said one day, "Hey! Instead of procreating a gaggle of children....let's just adopt them all!" Yeah, I was way cool before Angelina Jolie found out about me and Mia Farrow.
liz,
I don't want to be the last generation. I don't want to be the first or last of anything. People blame stuff on you then.
tallulah,
Please call my parents re: adoption of Mist 1. They are sick of me.
I think you were supposed to help herd those escaped kids back into the house.
For sure if it were the cat getting out you would.
..
Wow, did you mean to describe being the parent of twins?
;-)
jim,
Yes, but in my defense, I sleep with my cat.
michael,
Am I close?
But I did say little - mine is more blessed than little.
so when are you going to babysit? I hope you have an assistant!
c,
I am not blessed, but I am little.
melanie,
I don't have an assistant. I have a vice.
I don't know how people do it. I only have 3 little girls, and somedays I just wanna curl up in the fetal position in a dark closet and cry. No...my kids are great. There is a woman who lives around the corner from my mom who has 12 last time I knew. Her and her sister are competing. She was ahead by one last time i checked. She homeschools all of them and they are all about as wild as they come...It is just plain craziness if you ask me. Thanks for the laughs! I love reading your stories.
tanj,
I curl up in fetal position in my closet sometimes. It's comforting.
Mist.
I cut, pasted and sent this to my parents who raised a dozen of us. This really hit home. Especially the 'kids that escaped and mom just waves her hands' ...there's plenty more, won't miss a couple. very funny and creative as usual!!
I think the yam would have worked as birth control is she had properly inserted it. Also, it has to be wedged in there tightly enough so that nothing else can fit in there. Please pass this info on to Kathy.
This is the greatest thing I have ever read. I love it. I'm saving it. I'm sharing it with friends.
Brilliant.
stan,
What a way for your parents to be introduced to me. I hope you sent them one of my vibrator posts as well.
karla,
How do you get the yam out? She might go into yam production.
kat,
I hope your friends have lots and lots of children and can pick up a few helpful tips about how to properly tag the kids in case they are released.
dan,
It's okay, this is a safe place to share your feelings.
That sounds like insanity. I couldn't deal with that. Why don't those kids have jobs?
Where I come from, the kids work to put you through college, not the other way around... I'm joking of course (maybe?)...
seb,
You're so right. Why don't they have jobs?
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