To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Letting Sh*t Go

I got a phone call from my past. I let the call go to voicemail and still have not listened to it. I dated The Professor briefly. I have tried to forget about him.

He was brilliant. Being with him made me look smarter, kind of like how glasses make me look smarter. His parties were incredible. The guests were all fabulously eccentric and interesting. We talked about art and music and my shoes and politics. I laughed when everyone else laughed, even when I didn't understand the joke.

One night, when the last guests had left, The Professor told me that he wanted to try something new. I thought he meant helping him clean up after the party. Before, I could pretend that my temporary paralysis was acting up again, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. My temporary paralysis went back into remission.

He took me by the hand and led me to the bedroom. He led me through the bedroom and into the bathroom. I am all for joint showering. I imagined showering with him by candlelight. He was imagining something else.

"I want to see you take a sh*t."

It wasn't what I had in mind. Surely, he was kidding. I can't crap on demand, and even if I could, I'm not doing it in front of anyone. He didn't even have any good magazines in there.

He explained to me that he fantasized about seeing a pretty girl do something disgusting.

I picked my nose and left.

Mist 1


At 9:30 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

One more reason why I'm glad I'm not make up for it in other ways apparently.

At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men these days--chivalry is just going right down the crapper.

One of my dear high school friends, Elizabeth, had an affair with our 50-year-old FEMALE gym teacher. Scandalous.

Elizabeth told me that the teacher used to sing the song Young Girl by Gary Puckett to her when they were in bed. (Young girl, get out of my mind. My love for you is way out of line ...)

I think they made us watch a video about that in 6th grade. Lesbians, not Gary Puckett.

Personally, I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump 'n grind between a teacher and a student--just wait until senior prom. And don't ask them to poop for you.

At 9:45 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

Wow! I have trouble going in a public restroom when someone else is there. I can't even imagine intentionally doing it in front of someone.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I'm glad that I'm not smart either. I'm happy like this.


I feel kind of vomity now.


How do you feel about picking your nose in front of other people?

At 10:26 PM, Blogger Burg said...

I hope you wiped it on him..

At 10:29 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Hmmm. What subject did he teach, Twisted-fuckology101?

At 10:52 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Good for you, Mist! I had a similar experience when I was 19. I still cringe when I think of that sicko.

At 10:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I flicked it.


Close. Philosophy.


Do they realize how weird it is to ask a girl that?

At 11:16 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

I hear your pain, and even still, I feel kind of vomity too. I don't watch my cat.

At 11:19 PM, Blogger RKM said...

Don't you just hate it when tehy mention your shoes and then ask you to take a crap? It's like the shoes didn't matter at all, just small talk leading into bigger and scatalogical subjects.

Shoes - and I'm sure yours are indeed... unique - can lift a mundane outfit into something spectacular.

May the cobblers of the world strike him down in his prime, preferably when he's taking a dump.

At 11:23 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Evidentally not. Or they do, but don't care.

You were nice to give him something. My mind reverted to single-cell function: Door.

At 11:27 PM, Blogger slaghammer said...

Sounds to me like the dude was fishing for a blumpie. I have a friend who dated a girl who wanted to wipe his butt for him after he did the dirty deed. He allegedly declined the offer.

At 12:05 AM, Blogger Jay said...

I like you because you're a class act all the way.

At 1:47 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

Yuk, some people baffle me

At 1:58 AM, Blogger Nosjunkie said...

I have no idee what to say here.....

At 2:18 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

Mist - it's a gift you have, truly! The ability to drove someone from EEWWWWW to laughter in point one seconds flat.

At 3:15 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You are such a prude.

At 3:21 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

I know what to do: make a doodoo ump into a pretty box, and send it to him. Don't forget to put a ribbon on the box. Presentation is important. Once he's gotten that out of his system, the two of you might be very happy together. Best of luck.

At 3:24 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I hope you flung it at him. Ick.

At 4:11 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Mist, come on, he told you you were pretty! Sounds like marriage material to me...


At 4:28 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

Ah, a real Professor of Scatology...

At 5:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard of a guy saying. What a charmer!

At 5:15 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

you win. creepiest guy I ever dated only got caught trying to steal my dirty underwear from my laundry basket...

maybe they were brothers?

At 5:17 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Whoa, I'm a freak and a POG, but that's one of the few lines even I won't cross.

At 5:31 AM, Blogger Avitable said...


At 5:34 AM, Blogger That's one clever little bitch! said...

Wow. I wonder what he could have to say.

At 5:34 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Dropping stink pickles is a super private matter - and the fact that his toilet library was not up to par - Dude that is 2 strikes - ok 3 the first one counted as 2.

At 5:43 AM, Blogger MJ said...

But Mist, He talked about your shoes *Ü*

At 5:48 AM, Blogger Reba said...

I hate brushing my teeth with someone watching. No way could I do that.

I hope you wiped the booger on him.

At 6:32 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

Shit Happens.

At 6:36 AM, Blogger Kris Bartels said...

That is really gross....

- the bread is really hard to decide on, I get free meals when I work and It takes me all of my shift to decide what I want.

At 6:38 AM, Blogger Mr. G said...

Darling, you meet some of the most interesting* people.

*In this case please read the word interesting as an abbreviation for sick and twisted.

At 6:43 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't watch my cat either, but he has to come in the bathroom with me.


They always get me with the shoes.


My instinct said to pick my nose.


I have wanted to pop a pimple on a guy's back before, but never the butt wipe thing.


I'm opening a charm school.


I'm sorry that my nose picking is baffling.


Just tell me that you heard me is validating enough.


That's sort of my thing.


I have family values.


I'm laughing at the image of me squatting over a box.


I don't fling feces. I'm not a monkey. Or did you mean the booger?


Maybe I was too harsh.


Is that a liberal arts degree?


I'll give you his phone number.


Oh, that's pretty gross too.


I didn't need to know that you grunt.




He probably wanted me to come over and wipe him.


The first one struck him out and put him on the no-call list.


Still, it wasn't enough to keep me.


I have no shame about public oral hygiene.


Not that night.


You can't go from talking about taking a crap to bread.

mr. g,

You are much kinder with words than I am.

At 7:12 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

you should have made him close his eyes and put out his hand (make some fart noises with your mouth here to simulate doing the doo), then put a handful of lotion in it, then smack his hand into his own smart forehead.

At 7:26 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Perhaps I should have used SPOG - Shameless Perverted Old Goat

At 7:28 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

This has the making of a book, "I Won't Poo For You." Best seller. I'd buy it.

At 7:35 AM, Blogger jali said...

Ewwwww. Snotty chick!

At 7:42 AM, Blogger Matt said...

What's disgusting is when you Mist1 the toilet.

At 7:42 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


That would have been good too.


Thanks for the clarification.


I will be signing books at Borders this weekend.

At 7:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I forgot, your sh*t doesn't stink.


I hate when that happens.

At 7:51 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Condiments, panties, shoes, feces...only one great writer can take such an assortment of subjects and twist it for our amusement. The post may have been full of shit, but I still say bravo. (I'm feeling quite European this morning)

At 7:57 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

Damn straight you left!! This is not "Saved by the Smell". Some lines are never to be crossed.

At 8:00 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

It could have been worse... I'll have to get back to you on the how part.

At 8:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I hope that the subjects covered here are informative and have a profound impact on the world.


I had such a big crush on Crap, I mean Zach Morris.

At 8:02 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I just can't imagine it being worse.

At 8:23 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Du-HUDE! No effing way! Some dudes is messed up, mist1.

That being said, can you put these shoes on and step on this roach?

At 8:23 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Another man of intellect? I have told you I'm dumb as a rock, right?

I can't believe you didn't indulge in the poor man's fantasy. Some women are so undeserving.

Not you, mind you....

Ah, what the hell..I'm not linked up anyway.

At 8:31 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

I like the way the professors mind works. ;)


At 8:35 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Ew. It's always the ones who appear the most normal, isn't it?


At 8:37 AM, Blogger Churlita said...

What a charmer. I can't believe you let him get away.

I've never been a girl who was into messiness. Are there other women out there who are?

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Why am i the only one who thought

"But did you eat it?"

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Let's Pretend said...

Note to self - never read Mist's blog while drinking coffee.

I have heard of a golden shower, but would this be considered bronze??

At 8:54 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

That's awesome Mist, because I totally have a nose picking fetish. You're perfect.

Enjoy your day,
Doctor Dagromm

At 9:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't step on bugs in my own shoes. I will smash one with one of yours, but I won't put my foot in it unless we are in love.

slick,'re not linked here? Really? I'm not good at updating them. You have to remind me. I'm on it.


I'll make sure that you get the evite to his next party. Bring toilet paper.


I know. He seemed so right, and then suddenly, so wrong.


I'm with you. Nothing messy. It's already messy enough.


I'm not eating any boogers until I know the caloric intake.


I think I go much better with wine or vodka and sometimes just a good ol' PBR.


I don't get my nails done just for that reason.

At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I picked my nose and left. *SNORT*

Oh God I was gonna say "funny shit Mist" - but, well, that would just be wrong here. Wouldn't it?

At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

What type of Professor was he?

You sure know how to Pick 'em.

At 9:23 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

I don't know why my comments can't be displayed. I'm speechless.

At 9:24 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

Oh. NOW it's working.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Did you fling the booger on him at least?

At 9:46 AM, Blogger Kris Bartels said...

You will never look at a sub the same way...I guarantee it...

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I notice you haven't done anything yet on facials or Golden Showers. Just brainstorming.

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

Always wise to steer clear of fecal fetishists. Ugh.

At 9:59 AM, Blogger Lee said...

I personally don't take sh*ts. My a$$hole is just decorative.

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Skittles said...

You should have sent him back to Gilligan's Island after kicking him in his coconuts.

At 10:11 AM, Blogger Susan said...

This was just disturbing...How could he propose such a thing without good magazines??

At 10:19 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Can we leave my sh*t out of this one? Just this once, for me. Thanks.


Philosophy. I don't pick them. They pick me.


I am rarely speechless.


He would have liked it too much.


Still, I am kind of hungry.


I believe I've covered golden showers, haven't I? If not, I'll get right on it.


But how do you know until you find yourself in an uncomfortable position?


I've been meaning to tell you how lovely it is.


I don't kick coconuts. You should see my shoes, they are too precious to me.


Even a crossword puzzle would have been a thoughtful gesture.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger The CEO said...

Well, the cat in the john with you makes perfect sense. The cat is not there to watch, but to protect you or to play with you, whichever YOU should decide is appropriate. Cats are so fucking smart.

At 10:27 AM, Blogger Sebastien said...

Wow, I was expecting something romantic. That was a surprise!

At 10:31 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

LMAO!!! *gasp, gasp* LMAO!!!

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

Dang...I was reliving all kinds of guilt for my own transgressions with a professor, when HOLY CRAP!!

I feel so much cleaner now...thank you!

At 11:20 AM, Blogger poons said...

Just wandered in from Smaller Than Life - after the laugh that post got I feel I'll be back for more!

At 11:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I just want to be alone in there. Can't he protect me from outside the door?


I was expecting something more romantic too.

Thanks for coming by.


I said the same thing. Mostly the gasping part.


Holy crap is right. It was too holy to leave there.

At 11:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Sometimes you will laugh here. Sometimes, you will vomit. Either way.

Thanks for coming by.

At 12:11 PM, Blogger Just telling it like it is said...

OMG that is hilarious...I am laughing my arse off...that is tooo funnyy...girrrll you crack me up...

At 12:40 PM, Blogger weatherchazer said...

Holy shit! I mean, ROFLMAO, what the hell is wrong with people! I would've told him to get a hand mirror and watch himself!

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Rach, Los Angeles Photographer said...

that is just wrong...

At 1:04 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

I've wiped so many heinies since having kids that I just CANNOT imagine sh*t being the least bit erotic. Just gross, gross, gross.

At 1:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Careful with all those arse comments. People are strange.


He wasn't pretty.


That's what I'm trying to say here.


Still, the smell of baby butt wipes is mildly alluring, isn't it? Or is that just me?

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

My mind flashes back to Bill Clinton and Monica.... oh wait, this was a CUTE girl and a weird old guy....

Least he didn't ask you to do something nasty in the shoes.. That would REALLY have crossed the line.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


How can that remind you of Bill and Monica? I don't even own a navy dress.

New shoe rule in effect: Look, admire, comment, but do not touch.

At 2:32 PM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

I don't even like to be present when I myself evacuate bodily waste.

Makes you wonder what Dr. Dung might have asked for if you'd continued the relationship.

At 3:37 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I believe that you handled the Prof correctly. I wonder what he now wants.

At 4:41 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

I often imagine that there are stalkers at my windows every night watching my every move. This isn't because I'm crazy, it's because during the summer my neighbor and his friends all drink outside my windows all night. After about a year I discovered that my blinds were angled in such a way that I have probably been giving them quite a view the whole time. I treat them to such displays as: H&B brushing her teeth, H&B eating Cheetos and watching the Twilight Zone, and then, to make them go away, they get to see H&B pick her nose. I always figured they'd be disgusted and never look inside a again. It was preventative. Now you're making me scared that perhaps, that's what they come back for.

You know what would've been disgusting? If you had injected your knee with the comb of a rooster. That would've turned him on.

At 5:31 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

He sounds like a real intellectual. I'm glad I'm not that clever. I'm not, honest.

At 5:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Dr. Dung--that's hysterical.


I intend on erasing the message without listening to it. I don't want to know.

h & b,

I have a telescope. Where do you live?


I have sworn off intellectuals. I have also sworn off clever and honest men.

At 5:38 PM, Blogger Glaziersgirl said...

I sooooo have to say it.
Wait, are you ready????

That was really shitty of him. He made a real ass of himself. I bet you just want to forget the "hole" thing, right?

OMG, I crack myself up. LOL

At 5:48 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


You just had to make a crack, didn't you?

At 6:06 PM, Blogger Glaziersgirl said...

Yeah, my cheeks hurt from laughing so much!

At 7:25 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

the thought of you picking your nose was just a teaser for this guy. He wants Pooty from your tooty!

At 7:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I don't want to be a party pooper, but I am putting an end to this.


I never thought about my nose picking as foreplay. I feel so cheap.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

Sit and talk to him, but I haven't been able to pull it off, so to speak.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

That is just a great big bowl of wrong!

At 8:01 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


Pull what off? I am good at pulling stuff off.


Two scoops of wrong.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger CP said...

Dear Mother of all things Holy.

I would have taken a crap right in the middle of his floor, vomited on it and then, peed on his bed for good measure.


At 8:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy mother that's wrong! Love it.

I'm meme tagging you because I absolutely need to read more of your outrageous blog. Now that I think about it, you don't really need a prompt for strange. I don't really need to tag you because there is enough of weird here. Think about it anyway.

At 8:10 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


He would have been smitten. How could he have resisted?


Who's weird? You want weird, tag The Professor.

At 8:39 PM, Blogger Kristi Mantoni said...

That'll teach him!!

At 8:44 PM, Blogger Jack said...

It is Snot true.

At 9:25 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am here to educate people.


Okay, you got me. I might have made up the part about my temporary paralysis.

At 2:37 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Oh, my.

At 5:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


No sh*t.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Mamma said...

That is sooo not where I thought that was going--I suppose it was the same for you too.

What a freak!!

Here via Dorky Dad. Great blog. I'll definitely be back!

At 7:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


It was not the most romantic evening of my life.

Thanks for coming by.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Firedancer said...

I just have to say "YOU ROCK!"

I can't wait to read more!

At 12:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I've got lots of stuff to say. Monday thru Friday.

Thanks for coming by.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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