To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Preventative Medicine


I believe in alternative medicine. As an alternative to medicine, I like wine. It seems to be working.

Yesterday, I went to see my chiropractor. She works in a hippie medical office park. She shares an office with an herbalist, a hypnotherapist, and a pair of witch doctors. The people in the waiting room are always interesting. We talk about our past lives and the many, many medicinal uses of marijuana. The people waiting to see the witch doctors always bring livestock (other acceptable forms of payment include cash, check, and American Express).

Sitting next to me was a man who claimed that a few months ago he needed a walker to get around. He told me that after his first treatment he left the walker in the herbalist's office and walked out without any pain.

The man had suffered from arthritis in his knees for years. He played basketball in college and had seen every doctor in the region to help him with his pain. He refused to have the surgery that the doctor's suggested. In a desperate last attempt, he called the herbalist and made an appointment.

The miracle cure is made from the comb of a rooster. It is blended up and purified and a secret combination of herbs and spices is added. Then, it is injected into his knees.

I told him that I have been receiving cock injections for years. My knees are in great shape.

Mist 1


94 Comments:

At 8:56 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

How did I not see that coming!!
;-)

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Because I am quick, that's why. You gotta stay one step ahead. Speaking of head, I wonder what this rug burn on my knee is from?

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger Burg said...

LMAO!

That's a good one!

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

if not a little rug burned... oops that's me.

always reaching for the aloe vera. ;p

 
At 9:33 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You're my kind of doctor!

 
At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Once again - you've put me in stitches.

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger briliantdonkey said...

lol you are too much. Thanks for the laugh.

And no this is not where you say "what is things every man dreams and dreads to hear, I will take political science for 700 alex"

BD

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger SQT said...

I knew there were other uses for the Colonel secret formula.

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Probably a little less enjoyable if jabbed at your knees though!

 
At 12:26 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Well aren't you a little fire cracker?

 
At 1:16 AM, Blogger Kungfukitten said...

Mist1 you are naughty. Don't ever change.

 
At 1:19 AM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Mist, I am SOOOOO glad I put the "***WARNING: Mature Content" note next to your link in my Blog-stalking list.

Of course, that won't stop the kids from clicking it (and may even encourage more clicks), but, at least they have been given fair warning. They're all a pretty mature bunch, anyway.

 
At 2:11 AM, Blogger Meloncutter said...

There are at least 4938 comments running through my mind that I should/could make here. In the interest of political correctness and decorum I shall only set here and giggle incessantly.

However, I shall not..NOT be taking anything for my knees.

Later Y'all

 
At 2:37 AM, Blogger Odat said...

On these cold days, my knees hurt too...but I just don't find the cure as easily as you.
Peace

 
At 2:55 AM, Blogger RKM said...

I'm struggling with the concept of witch doctors working in pairs?

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Yes, but did you tell him you took yours orally?

 
At 3:45 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Reminds me of a Will Self novel about a man who finds he has a vagina at the back of his knee...

Cock and Bull it's called. I don't remember anything about arthritis.

Puss

 
At 3:48 AM, Anonymous heather said...

my husband is sooo not reading this one! he already thinks cock injections cure headaches, cramps, the common cold, etc.....

 
At 4:15 AM, Blogger Nosjunkie said...

LOL

 
At 4:33 AM, Blogger Matt said...

My goodness, you'd "waddle" a mile on your knees to get to a punchline, wouldn't you?

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

You're offending my Victorian sensibilities.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Debbie said...

HAAAAAAA!!!! Funniest thing I've heard yet this week.

 
At 5:36 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

But did you take him home afterwards?

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger MJ said...

Mist1, It is all about the dosage…

 
At 6:15 AM, Blogger Blyfinn said...

OH man, that was great. What a perfect setup. I think my coworkers are wondering what it wrong with me for laughing so much.

 
At 6:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

burg,

Yes, cock injections are good.

Thanks for coming by.

yasamin,

G*d bless aloe vera.

orhan,

I only play doctor.

karmyn,

Please, don't press charges.

donk,

I would take Alex for $700.

sqt,

Finger lickin' good.

spoon,

Different strokes...

jay,

If firecracker is good, then yes, yes I am.

kungfu,

I am thinking about changing my hair color. Is that okay?

Thanks for coming by.

arthur,

The weight of being a responsible figure for the youth of America weighs heavily on me.

melon,

I understand that some days, it's just really hard to keep it clean here.

odat,

I try to provide sound medical advice.

rkm,

Like in the Wizard of Oz. There's a good witch and a wicked witch.

Thanks for coming by.

wg,

I should have.

puss,

It would be so awkward to have a vagina there. No more shorts.

heather,

Is he an herbalist?

junkie,

That's what I'm here for.

matt,

Good one.

av,

I'm sorry, I should have noted that this was NC-V.

debbie,

Funny and yet true.

icl,

I figured that I wasn't his type. He likes cock injections.

mj,

I'm sure it's highly technical.

 
At 6:25 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

hmmmmm - medicinal applications of cock - i can see the paper in the medical journals now.... i'm more than willing to raise my hand and testify to the cure-all effects.

 
At 6:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

blyfinn,

That's the thing about coworkers. They always want to know what's wrong with people.

 
At 6:28 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

crow,

Amen. I want to be in on the clinical testing.

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Cock injections in your knees? Have I been doing it wrong all these years?

-velvet

 
At 6:49 AM, Blogger That's one clever little bitch! said...

Mist- You are a blogging genius :)-

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

Read the Kama Sutra.

clever,

Sadly, there is no Nobel prize for that.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

you have been dating some guys with bad aim...or maybe this is some sort of voodoo sex that mickey rourke will be unveiling in 9 1/2 weeks Part 3 : Eletric Boogaloo?

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Great setup, fantastic punchline. No comment of mine can do it justice, so I shall end it here.

 
At 7:18 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

mist honey can i have the walker he left behind?

smiles, bee

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

I feel like a huminatarian now for all the free injections I've tried to give out. Maybe I should open a clinic.

Have a Lovely Day,
Dagromm

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

All the cool kids are doing it.

fringes,

Sometimes, I get inspired when I think about cock injections.

bee,

It is top of the line. You will love it. Do you want his grocery cart too?

dagromm,

We will call you Dr. Dagromm.

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

I bet he thought about that a while, when it hit him, I bet he laughed hard followed by a bit of vomit in his mouth...

 
At 7:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pickled,

I hope he didn't rotfl. He could have hurt his knees.

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Q said...

I always tend to mix a bit of mineral spirits with the injections that I have recieved, it keeps the soreness and burning away for days. Dr. Dagromm truely is a master of his craft...

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

q,

Soreness and burning? You need to see the witch doctor.

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Jack said...

Well done.

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jack,

Thanks. I like mine rare.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Oh I have great knees too but its my hips that are acting up....perhaps too many injections?

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

Wow! You are sooooo cutting edge!

 
At 8:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's effing hilarious.

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

cheeky,

I'm sure there's a treatment for that. I'll ask the herbalist.

michelle,

Thanks for noticing. I like eccentric or eclectic. I can never get those two words straight.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

Maybe I should read my post again. I never remember what I wrote the night before.

 
At 9:48 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

Would you share with us what the gentlemen with arthritic knees said. I hope he didn't fall on the floor and break his leg.

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

i wonder if cock injections would help with my back problem???

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

swamp,

He said that he would have to ask the herbalist for something to treat his high blood pressure.

miztris,

There are several ways to find out.

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

That's funny...cock injections caused the 'chick's bad knees...perhaps some alternate positioning is in order. . .

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

chick,

Knee pads. Never do it without 'em.

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Something tells me my dad would be pissed if I suggested cock injections for his arthritis.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger Tug said...

THAT'S what I'm missing. Cock. dammit

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

He doesn't believe in alternative medicine?

tug,

Your insurance might cover it.

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

Wow, that's a classic. The only way to improve it would have been if it ended with a rim shot.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

blitz,

He doesn't play basketball anymore. That's what messed up his knees in the first place.

 
At 11:03 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

Cock injections also cure a fledgling social life. Or so my high school boyfriends used to tell me.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

I don't think that's an FDA approved treatment yet.

 
At 11:14 AM, Anonymous Dallas DysFunction said...

Seriously, I love you. That is the best story evaaaaaaaaaa

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

Who doesn't like a story about holistic health?

 
At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll bet it took awhile to sink in...

At first he probably thought you were in the middle stages of a sex change, but when he figured it out, I'll bet he was laughing for the next hour.

I was :*)

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

anon,

You thought I was in the middle stages of a sex change too?

Maybe I should change my perfume.

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Nölff said...

Someone gave me this this other day.
http://sementherapy.com/

I have no interest in this kind of therapy, but others may.

"Semen Therapy is the practice of swallowing the ejaculation of a healthy man, three times a week or more, for the health benefits.

Semen is a natural source of proteins, vitamins, minerals and human specific components. Health building elements: Selenium, Glycoproteins, Testosterone, Blood-Group Antigens, Spermidine (a catalytic enzyme), Fructose, Zinc, Vitamins B12 and C. "

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

I've had that injection. It's called "SYNVISC". Indeed, it is made from rooster combs. You get three injections over the course of several weeks.

The cock injections did nothing for me. I just don't know what to say beyond that...maybe a different type of cock injection would work, but I'm not really anxious to try it.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nolff,

I wonder if there is a semen therapist practicing in the same office as my chiropractor.

nwjr,

Really, I highly recommend it.

 
At 2:23 PM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

I'm a big fan of hypnosis. I like activities during which I can just lay there and reap the benefits.

Which explains why I enjoy cock injections, as well, but my health insurance doesn't cover those. Not unless I were to lay an egg, and I am soooooooooo not ready for that.

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger Bird on a Wire said...

Wow. Totally threw me with this one. Bravo.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

123,

Ah, you are a true pillow queen. I can't stay on my back, it ruins my hair.

bird,

I'll have to thank my chiropractor for the blog fodder. I will not be giving her the url.

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

That seems about right...

 
At 5:59 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

fab,

I knew you'd be a believer in this treatment.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Ryan said...

I should know better than to read your posts at work... I had to wait to comment until I got home. I'm still laughing... that was good.

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

And I though this was a serious post!

 
At 7:04 PM, Anonymous Luther said...

I don't think I've ever blogrolled a blog as fast as this one before.

You're good.

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger Killer said...

I don't get it. Could you post some pictures?

 
At 7:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

ryan,

Always read my posts at work. Then refuse to tell your coworkers why you're laughing. That will make them like you more.

nick,

From me? Really?

luther,

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Thanks for coming by.

killer,

That's my other blog.

 
At 7:31 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Are you an altar boy?

 
At 7:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

Only on the weekends.

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

If kids are good do they get free petuli?

 
At 8:19 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Due to the sleep the cocka-doodlers have cost me in the past, I would be glad to singlehandedly collect all the roosters in the world and aid in the grinding.

Of the cocks.

Oh, that went south very quickly, didn't it?D

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dorky,

I think they get to eat their own placentas.

jocelyn,

Grinding cocks...stop me now, before I get too vulgar.

 
At 9:22 PM, Blogger cinders said...

Next stop: caulk jokes.

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cinders,

That's my favorite subject at Home Depot.

 
At 5:16 AM, Blogger Nattie said...

priceless

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nattie,

You must have good insurance if it's priceless. Not even a co-pay?

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

My sides hurt...that was great, Mist. Thanks for starting my day out with laughter!!

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michelle,

I don't think the injections can help if your sides hurt, but it's worth a shot.

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

See? And people insist that holistic medicine is a sham.

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

qofd,

I am a believer.

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger kris said...

i am laughing so hard tears are beginning to fall down my face! (pretty amazing that i can see to type, huh?)

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kris,

I type so much that I have worn off most of the letters on my keyboard. I type by feel.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Firedancer said...

You know, my mother had this done for her knees. If only I was as witty as you, I could have made her laugh....or throw up. Either would have been classic.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

firedancer,

Gotta work on that gag reflex.

 

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Name: Mist1
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