To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Monday, January 29, 2007

My Big Head


Friday morning, I realized that I was supposed to be in Charlotte, NC. I had not packed and had under six hours to get there.

I threw the essentials into a suitcase. Shoes, dental floss, laptop, camera, iPod, and my vibrator. I am responsible, so I also packed all of the corresponding charging units and AA batteries. I called the pet sitter and reminded him that it is not necessary to add eight inches of kitty litter to the litter box as the cat's legs are only four inches long. I even got an oil change. I felt like a real grown up.

When I checked into the hotel, the reservation agent informed me that a convention of cardiologists was in the hotel for the weekend. Then, he gave me two key cards. This did not make me feel slutty at all. It was like he had known me forever. I requested a nonsmoking room because although I smoke, I do not like to sleep in the stagnant stench left behind by the previous smokers. I smoke in the designated areas, like the bathroom.

Saturday, I woke up early and went to the hotel bar. The bar was vacant, as apparently the trendy thing to do in the morning is eat breakfast. I asked what kind of wine would be good with cornflakes. The bartender gave me a pitying look, so I ordered vodka instead. He had no sense of humor. The cornflakes part was a joke. I don't eat cornflakes. They look like scabs.

Because I am magnetic, a man took a seat at the bar next to me. He was sitting on my good side; the side that doesn't get a pimple on my cheek every month. He was enthralled. He stared. I pretended to check my email. He stared. I became self-conscious. I began to develop a fabulous pick up line about a pacemaker.

Finally, he spoke. "Excuse me, I'm not trying to stare, but I can't see the highlights of the game around you."

And just like that, I was crushed.

Men need to know that this is not a good approach. He should have told me that he was trying to watch the highlights of the game, but could not overlook my long, fabulous eyelashes. I would have coyly ducked my head and he would have had a perfect view of ESPN. I told him my theory and he strained his neck to look around my big head. I like a man with determination.

I had forgotten my pacemaker line, so I lit a cigarette. He was one of those cardiologists that thinks that smoking is bad for you. He waved the smoke away to that he could see the TV better. I talked to him until he asked the bartender to turn up the volume on the television. He was so into me. I can read between the lines.

I left my key card on the bar and went back to my room to put on mascara and slip into something less comfortable, but much more alluring. I practiced my come hither look in the mirror. I casually sprawled across the bed and waited. For hours. Housekeeping came and left quickly after I insisted that I didn't need help with the handcuffs. He never showed up.

I wish I had remembered that pacemaker line.

Mist 1


77 Comments:

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Sorry he didn't have the 'heart' to follow through.

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Oh my god that was funny. I'm glad you're one of those independent women who can unlock their own handcuffs.

That "cornflakes looking like scabs" line was so true that I'll never be able to eat cornflakes again.

That guy was totally into you. Forget the Pacemaker line, you should have told him you had ESPN on HDTV in your room.

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger briliantdonkey said...

wow,

so mist1, missed1? someone call cnn! I have to agree with churlita, should have went with the espn on hdtv line.

BD

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

You totally gave me the wrong room number. So I just went back to the game.

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

If you met a cardiologist who specializes in arythmia, then 'you make my heart go pitter-pat' might be a good way to break the ice...provided he doesn't try to shock you into normal sinus rythm first.

I know it's corny, but I didn't get my nap today...

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1
I was on standby, I guess with the handcuffs and all...

 
At 11:03 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

You should have told him the TV in your room was showing the same highlights.

I know, not creative. But damn, direct pickup lines work too!

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger slaghammer said...

It’s all very simple, especially with a doctor. Just give the universal sign for choking, which is running in circles while waving your arms above your head, position yourself for the Heimlich Maneuver and wait…steady…don’t rush it…by the fourth or fifth squeeze Mr. Doctor dude has a boner and it’s sloppy time at Motel 6.

 
At 12:52 AM, Blogger Rhonda Jones said...

White wine and lagers for breakfast, darling. :)

 
At 1:16 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

mist I cna't believe this story, what man could resist you?

its ffar more likely that he was on his way up to your room, tripped and fell knocking himself out.

 
At 1:59 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Maybe next time be a bit more direct. Maybe you should take the key card and put it directly into his pocket.

If he doesn't get the hint then hes obviously deranged.

 
At 2:13 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You big heads are nothing but trouble.

 
At 2:56 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

oh goodie Rhonda - you got your Mist-Fix; so you can stop whining about "where is Mist" on MY blog. ::Rolling eyes:: Thanks for the monday morning chuckle Mist - almost as good as caffiene for kick starting my ass.

 
At 4:03 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

well, since you wrote this, I assume that you got out of your handcuffs and don't need any of us to call 911?

 
At 4:37 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I always carry a spare handcuff key...

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I have no problem with head.

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

well honey he is obviously gay. no man could resist you on a barstool early in the morning picking cornflakes out of your vodka, right? plus i think all cardiologists have a rather high regard for themselves plus he probably would have had to call his mother every 5 minutes and all.... better luck next time honey. bee

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Never mind the cardiologist, that housekeeper was sooo into you! Asking if you need help with the habdcuffs? That's such a come on. Bet she spied the vibrator on the bedside table.

Puss

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

This is the only place I go, read a post, and have absolutely nothing to say... cause it was too funny.

 
At 6:05 AM, Blogger Matt said...

At least housekeeping was respectful. The counter girl always gives me a dirty look: yes, I'll pay by Visa for that $12 porn movie....

 
At 6:06 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

Wicked bummer, Mist. Playing doctor is way fun--I imagine even more so with a real doctor.

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger Killer said...

Those cardiologists are known to be prudish. You need a proctology conference, those are some real freaks.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

icl,

Thanks for playing. That was pretty good.

churlita,

I should have slipped him my remote instead of the key.

donk,

Thanks for rubbing it in.

nwjr,

69 was not my room number.

michael,

I haven't had a nap in days. Expect my posts to get worse as the week goes on until I get one.

0,

Was that you in the housekeeping outfit? You have sexy legs.

james,

I have never thought to seduce a man with sports highlights. I have tried to get a man to notice my highlights.

slag,

You have obviously done this before. Well played.

rhonda,

Thanks for not giving me a pitying look.

shadow,

I can't believe that I didn't call 911. I hope he's okay.

phishez,

I was trying to be demure.

fab,

Where is the big head convention this year?

crow,

Maybe I should be a motivational speaker.

choo,

I used the lubricant to get out of the cuffs.

ranger,

That would have been good to know. I almost had to chew my own hand off to get out.

av,

Not even my unusually large head?

bee,

So, it wasn't me?

puss,

She'd better be into me after what I tipped her.

ryan,

I am here to amuse you with my daily humiliation.

matt,

I always claim that I never watched the movie. I usually get away with it.

123,

That's sort of what I had in mind, only with handcuffs.

killer,

I try not to date men who are anal retentive.

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Well, I prefer a little head, usually. But I can make do. For you.

 
At 7:20 AM, Anonymous andy said...

Dude,

"I even got an oil change."

That doesn't mean what I thought it did at first, does it? You really are thorough.

 
At 7:20 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

see that's a bunch of crap, all good cardiologists that are worth their salt know that you have to take your heart and lungs out and show them who's boss. you don't want sissy organs right? i mean you go out on the playground and all the tar-filled lungs would totally pick on you. you should have just thrown a drink at that moron

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

He was one of those cardiologists that thinks that smoking is bad for you.

I actually had a doctor who, after inquiring about how much I smoke, replied, "Oh, that's not so bad."

He also gave me 30 pills of Codeine after I complained about a mild earache. Seriously.

I liked that one.

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I think it's very obvious what happened here:

When you told housekeeping you didn't "need" them they grew extremely jealous. They obviously saw the doctor strutting towards your room and hit him over the head with a plunger. He would awaken days later, tied in dirty bed sheets and locked in the housekeeping closet two doors down from your room.

 
At 7:49 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

Next time fake a heart attack -then he will give you mouth to mouth and massage your chest

 
At 7:49 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'll never eat corn flakes again. I like corn flakes.

Oh, and vodka looks like monkey piss.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Cigarettes are for after sex with a cardiologist.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

I like how agreeable you are. I was afraid that you wouldn't like my head.

andy,

Dude, a girl has got to be lubricated.

furious,

I would never throw a drink. That's alcohol abuse.

kelley,

Does he take Blue Cross/Blue Shield? I have a paper cut and I think I'm going to need some pain killers.

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

susan,

Now I wish that I hadn't tipped them.

cheeky,

I could use a chest massage.

hearts,

You need to stop hanging out with monkeys.

fringes,

I'm always jumping ahead of myself.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

So not every guy is Straight or Mr. Valentine. It's ok. You're smoking surely hasn't given you THAT many lines and wrinkles yet.

Seriously though- your picky about cereal but not about not-smoking.

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mayren,

I'm just not a cereal person.

 
At 9:12 AM, Blogger Tug said...

Champagne & a smoke for breakfast...they even sound good together. Scabs? I'd never noticed...& will never.eat.corn flakes.again. Thanks.....

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tug,

Any time. Ask me my food views. I will turn you off.

 
At 9:47 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

Just trying to process how one forgets one needs to be in another place entirely. But then again, that might start happening to me son since I am busier than it is healthy to be.

-N

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger Girlie Monkey said...

That's a really creepy picture lol! Love it!

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

It does sound like you had good reason to get to Charlotte, N.C. in six hours. Your head-blocking services were clearly needed at that hotel.

What was the doc drinking, btw? Should I need to have unexpected heart surgery, I'd like to know what my surgeons have been tippling before they cut into me.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

I"ve been meaning to bring this up to you...but I just wasn't sure how to go about it. ;)

Steve~

 
At 11:16 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Oh Mist...men of intellect are either gay or void of common sense.

Me? I'm dumb as a rock.

 
At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

It must have been the cornflakes.

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

natalia,

I had the same feelings exactly. It's not the kind of thing that should have slipped my mind.

girly,

For the record, that is not me.

jocelyn,

He had a gin and tonic for breakfast.

steven,

Just be direct with me. Then buy me something nice.

slick,

That's what I like about you.

karmyn,

Blech.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger SQT said...

Mist

He was seriously gay, though a weird kind of gay in that he prefers sports over fashion.

Hearts

What kind of vodka are you drinking?

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

sqt,

Blueberry Stoli and soda with a twist of lime. It's my mom's drink. She got me hooked.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

"I don't eat cornflakes. They look like scabs."

lmfao!

oh, and I do the smoking in the non-smoking room thing too because I'm such a badass.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger weatherchazer said...

You should've told him you could do interesting things with dental floss...

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Well, they do. Don't they?

weather,

Have you been peeking in my windows?

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Meg said...

WELL.....thank God you remembered your vibrator !!!

:)

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger jali said...

No more cornflakes for me. Here's one for you (I read this in a novel): Rice Krispies look like roach eggs. Cocoa Puffs look like bunny turds.

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

meg,

I should invest in a travel vibrator.

jali,

I had a bad experience with a bunny turd once. Thanks for bringing that memory back to the surface.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger Buttercup said...

Girl, You are funny. I wish my Magic Wand traveled well...

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger Some Random Girl said...

you've ruined cornflakes for me. What do Trix look like?

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger C said...

Maybe if you had had your vibrator at the bar that might have been the more obvious approach. You could have pretended not to know what it was for and he would have cum to your rescue.

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger huberama said...

was the oil change for the handcuffs so they'd be all lubed up?

it's been a bad monday and you made me laugh, out loud... so thank you for that story!

 
At 4:23 PM, Blogger Crack La Rock said...

seething...teeming...boiling over...jealousy.

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

butter,

I want a magic wand. I have this pixie outfit that I am dying to wear.

srg,

Who doesn't love Trix? Actually, I can't stand Trix due to an unfortunate stomach flu when I was a kid. Never could eat them again. Have you ever seen them bobbing in the toilet?

c,

You are a mastermind.

hube,

That's a rather personal question. What do you do with your lube?

crack,

Here's my room key. Holla.

 
At 5:35 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Forget him - I know that he's gay.

 
At 5:43 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

trundling,

I can change him.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger Glaziersgirl said...

I am speechless. You are just too damn funny. BTW, a travel vibrator...great investment.

 
At 6:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

glazier,

I want one with a cute carrying case that matches my luggage.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Not that I eat them often, but I'll be damned if I ever eat crn flakes again!!! So, what was the fabulous pacemaker line???

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Steph said...

who would want a man that likes sports anyway?
What's that? All men do? Except the gays?

Ah fuck it. No wonder I'm a single faghag!

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

olives,

If I remembered the line, I wouldn't be sitting here moping now.

steph,

I like sports. If sex counts as a sport.

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

So that’s what happens when you think you’ve picked up a dude during breakfast. Now, Ms. Mist, I could understand it if you’d been up all night, but you’d slept. I hope you brought the correct batteries for your vibrator.

Thanks for the laughs, Darlin’.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nick,

It is so much easier to pick up a man during Happy Hour.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

did you ring for the bell hop? was he cute? did he uncuff you? lmao!

girl you dont want a man who wants to make someone live longer! BOOORRRINNNGG you need a man who might just kill you if you dont moan right.

 
At 6:37 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

yasamin,

Eventually, they all want to kill me.

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

He probably would have just switched on ESPN up in your room anyway. He clearly didn't have an appreciation for what he was missing.

-velvet

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I think I had a non-ESPN room.

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

You should have known that cardiologists just play with your heart.

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

crank,

I am a slow learner.

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

So, who finally released you from the handcuffs?

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

qofd,

I have very nimble toes.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Robin said...

I bet it was the same damn cardiologist that kept twirling me at the Breakfast Club...

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

robin,

Did he have a skinny nose?

 

Post a Comment

"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

ABOUT ME
ABOUT ME
Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for noticing.

BLOGROLL

123 Valerie Strikes Again
A Day in the Life
A Day in the Wind
Ali Thinks
Allan Thinks
Animal Mind
A View From The Watter's Edge
Avitable
BNR - Blog Name Removed
Briliant Donkey
Burnett's Urban Etiquette
Burt Reynolds' Mustache
c-writing
Cardiac Fantasies
Carnival of the Mundane
Curiosity Killer
Dallas Dysfunction
Dan's Blah Blah Blog
Disgruntled Workforce
DKY Bar and Grill
Exorcise My Devils
Fantasy and Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog
Fresh Air Lover
Guilty With An Explanation
How to go Insane
I Am Woman, See Me Blog!
Intelligent Humor
It's Go Time!
It's No Picknick!
Jester Tunes
Jen (and Andrew)
Just Tug
Karlababble
Ketchup With My Fries, Please
Liner Notes
Little White Liar
Maiden New York
Mayren Abashed
Meloncutter Musings
Mindy Does Minneapolis
Miss Britt
Much Ado about sumthin!
Muffin 53
Pointless Banter
Pointless Drivel
Q's Corner
Random Moments
Roadtrip
Sanity Optional
Single Life As I Know It
Secret Suburban Misfit
Southern Circle of Hell
Studio-Twenty-Three
The Assimilated Negro
The Death of Retail Price
The Dragon: 050376
The Morning Meeting
The Post College Years
The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile
Tiny Voices in My Head

NEWEST POSTS

Dating Netflix
Alternate Positions
Domestic Self-Violence
Written Warning
Sisterhood
Man Skirt
Aloe
Rev. Dr. MLKrunk, Jr.
Dinner Party
Smoking Man

ARCHIVES

Credits

Header image photo by Alison.

 Subscribe in a reader

 Subscribe to comments

RFS Blog Awards Winner