To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007

30 Days


I always wonder what people are thinking when they ask me for advice. They must know that I don't have the sense that I was born with. I never did have the sense that I was born with.

My friend Rick is a great guy. He is smart and reasonably attractive (nothing that a little hair gel couldn't fix). He cannot find a woman to date. Rick came to me for help. I am always happy to dispense worthless advice and then cleverly turn the conversation into something about me or my shoes.

I told him that I think that men should stop hitting on women. I suggested that he go on strike for 30 days, just to see how it goes. Rick is the kind of man who hits on every woman in a room because it increases his odds of getting a little loving. He wasn't sure that he could go a full 30 days without hitting on a woman.

I like to hit on men. The way I see it, if I hit on a man, he can be certain that I am either a.) interested or b.) desperate. Either way, it's a sure shot. Sometimes, I am prepared to hit on a man and I have a pick up line all worked out. Other times, I am more subtle and I let my thong poke out of the back of my jeans do all the talking.

I am certain that if men just stopped hitting on women, we would lose our minds. We wouldn't know how to act. At first, there would be catfights; many shirts would be torn open. Then, those of us who are smart would decide to divide and conquer. We would divvy up the room into sections and claim our respective section. We would make our way through the room acquiring phone numbers and making tally marks on the backs of our hands. We would buy men drinks. We would tell them that they were different; not like the rest of them. We would become competitive. Men would get laid all the time with little or no effort.

I told Rick, that he could make a difference. He was special; not like the rest of them.

I turned my head so that when he tried to kiss me he got a mouth full of hair.

Men aren't ready for us yet. Sorry, Rick. Keep your head up. The wrong girl is bound to come around soon.

Mist 1


79 Comments:

At 9:55 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Hey, at least Rick tried. None of the guys in my town seem to take the boldest of hints. (we're all not as subtle as you are when it comes to letting our thongs poke out) The only time they ever seem to get any courage is right at bar close and nothing makes a girl feel more special than getting hit on by a slurring drunk at bar close.

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger Kungfukitten said...

I generally let my cleavage do all the talking. Some day I'll have to listen closely to what theyre saying because I don't approve of the types of men they're bringing home.

 
At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Neil said...

If men didn't hit on women, what would we do with our time?

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Poor Rick.

And BTW, where were all the women dropping hints when I was desperate? So not fair that I never saw much of that!

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Oh, the pain, Mist... I feel that right in what's left of my testicles. How can even you be so cruel?

Please tell me how bad a boy I've been?

 
At 1:05 AM, Blogger Nosjunkie said...

I dont get asked for advice they just ask me if I dont have any nice girlfriends

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Well, I'm certenly not getting involved in this Vietnam ;)

 
At 2:33 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I love it when I get a mouthful of hair.

 
At 3:10 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

My guy friends gave up asking me for advice - instead just keep their questions short and simple...

1. Do you have a friend?
2. Is she cute?
3. Is she single?
4. Can you hook me up?

That's the usual extent of our conversation.

 
At 3:16 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

There's special and there's 'special' - sounds like he's lucky he got hair.

Puss

 
At 3:17 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Sounds like Rick needs a helmet.

 
At 3:20 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

I'm hoping Rick can at least see the signs if a girl is interested. A friend of mine moaned and moaned about how he could get a date. I eventaully dragged him to a party and pointed out all the girls that were flirting wit him (the idoit hadn't noticed this before). He was never the same after that...I miss my nerd...

btw don't go encouraging me I don't want to be the one doing the work!

 
At 4:57 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

Did you show him how to spot a thong in the wild?

 
At 4:57 AM, Anonymous archie said...

I'm not sure I want to be with a woman who wants me - she is probably some sort of pervert.

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Count me in, where are the picket signs stacker?

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Lee said...

Nothing scarier than the hint of desperation. If a guy hits on every gal in the room, he might as well go to a different bar.

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

The subtlety of the thong poking out is usually a sure bet! Classy. Personally, I think men are ready for that senario. The fact that they wouldn't have to work hard to get the girl would make them downright giddy. But, does this mean the housework would belong to them?

 
At 5:14 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

churlita,

Rule number 1: never hit on me after last call.

kungfu,

My cleavage hardly whispers.

neil,

I'm guessing that it would free up more time for masturbation.

james,

The times, they are a changin'.

arthur,

Can I feel what's left of your testicle?

junkie,

I don't have any nice friends. I do have a few trashy friends. That's almost as good.

orhan,

But your gender needs you to fight.

fab,

I am nearly hairless. It's been a cold winter.

curiosity,

Tell your friends about me.

puss,

I should have charged him.

wg,

He can borrow mine.

shadow,

Rick is helpless.

britt,

That sounds like a good tv program. Miss Britt, Thong Tracker.

archie,

Perverts get such a bad rap.

michael,

Did you just call me a stalker?

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lee,

Desperation smells good on me.

olives,

What is housework? Is that code for something you do in bed?

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger MJ said...

I LOVE to get hit on…. Even by the wrong men… When that happens I just tell them that I have 14 children waiting for me at home…

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger Cheeky said...

I don't need to hit on men - I let the fluffy boobies do all the talking....been working since 7th grade - if it ain't broke don't fix it!

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Poor Rick! wouldn't that be a strange world if that happened...how would I compete with hussies like you who divvy up the room?!?!

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger avitable said...

A mouthful of hair is all I dream about some nights.

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

Asking a single person for dating advice is like a divorced person giving marital advice... but its funny all the same.

You give great advice by the way

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I think you're onto something. He's also avoid the sting of rejection. Unless he was divvied into the section with all the nerdy fugly men and no one would take that section. Then he would be in an entire group of rejects. I don't think that'd happen though because there's someone out there interested in everyone.

Usually that someone is me after about 4 shots of Jose.

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

mj,

Do you live in an orphanage?

cheeky,

How can I get fluffy boobies? Isn't that a kind of bird?

spoon,

You would have to wait for me to pass out. That usually happens just after last call.

av,

When you wake up, does the dog look at you funny?

ryan,

I really should go into the advice business.

susan,

I have only had one shot this morning, and I am already interested in you.

 
At 6:39 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

I am so glad I'm married. If I had to hit on men I'd get stuck with some deaf mute who couldn't hear me blather on and on.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I've been on strike for months and whenever I see a pretty girl staring at me, I give her the finger.

Reverse psychology.

 
At 7:01 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

No, but I am missing a pillow.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

If we don't like any of the men in our section, could we trade them for men in other women's sections?

-velvet

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

So now I spend the day thinking about thongs poking out and ccccccat fights? Hell I'm satisfied. Why waste my time trying to get a date?

 
At 7:16 AM, Blogger Tug said...

What's Rick's number, I've got hair gel...

 
At 7:21 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

When your thong starts talking, it might be time to do the laundry.

Jus' sayin, is all.

Try that lavender/vanilla stuff that Fringes loves.

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Desperation: we smell that like dogs smell fear. Rick needs to floss more, get a hobby and wear nicer shoes. Once he has achieved the Zen state, he'll be do-able.

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

qofd,

That man sounds perfect for me. I might even consider marriage.

matt,

How's that technique working for you?

av,

I hope it wasn't a down pillow. You could get the bird flu.

velvet,

That's when the cat fights ensue.

blitz,

Somehow, I feel like I helped.

tug,

Perfect. I feel like crying, I am so happy for you two. He's a good hair kisser.

chick,

I don't do laundry. I buy new thongs.

fringes,

I can never do Rick. He needs hair help.

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I stopped hitting on women years ago.

Now they hit on me.

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger Arthur Dent said...

Sure, you can feel my leg anytime you want (it's what's left of my testicles) :D

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Here I am, Rick. I'm not above being the wrong woman.

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I think your advice is sound, the harder you try the more less attractive you seem to be. When I was single, it seemed I had to play this game of interested, but not too interested.

As a man, we have this insane battle going on while trying to meet ladies. It's not chess really, it's more like trying to restrain a drunk crazy friend (which is our penis) that wants to go have hot monkey sex with you ladies. The other side and restrainer is you know common sense..that understands saying crude pickup lines will not work. But sometimes, common sense is replaced by your annoying instigator friend that just wants to see you fuck up and get a laugh out of you...you know now that I think of it...I might be a schizophrenic...so ignore all that advice...I'm being crazy for two.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Actually, Mist, it all makes so much sense. If women had the job of picking up men, there would be so much more hooking up. Most men wouldn't turn down an opportunity presented to them on a silver platter, and no self-respecting drunk man would.

And more hooking-up means happier people. It would make the world a better place.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

no, I don't like this idea one bit! I don't want to be the one buying the drinks - I want the drinks bought for ME! :D

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

tom,

See, my theory works.

arthur,

Fantasy...dashed.

cruiser,

That is so generous of you. Actually, now that a few of you have expressed interest...I am feeling a little jealous.

furious,

Let's go back to that whole monkey sex part.

tammie,

I am not going to run for president.

miztris,

It's just 30 days. You can spend 28 of those in rehab with me. We'll pick up guys in group therapy.

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

if men stopped hitting on us I think we would feel hurt. No matter how annoying we say that guy at the club is, you know the one, sneaks up behind you when you're dancing, without saying a word all of a sudden something is poking you in the ass.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

Jokes on you because a mouthful of hair is exactly what turns Rick on!! ;)

Steve~

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I wasn't suggesting that you do Rick. I was suggesting that he make himself more appealing to others by being more like you. You're even more vain than I thought. How is that possible?

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pink,

I'm all for poking in the a$$, it's the obligatory get to know you conversation that I don't like.

steven,

Is that what he told you?

fringes,

I couldn't read your comment, I am staring at my reflection in the monitor.

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger NWJR said...

I would hit on women, but I live in fear of being terrorized by a talking thong.r

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hitting on every woman in the room does NOT increase his chances; it destroys them. He needs to target ONE woman and focus all his energies on her.

We're not blind or stupid. We do not want to be part of a play-the-odds group grope.

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

nwjr,

Something bad must have happened to you. Do you want to talk about it?

hearts,

Does Milton Bradley make the Play-The-Odds Group Grope game? Sounds like fun.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Chrissy121875 said...

LOL! I love this blog! As much as women sometimes complain about how annoying it is to be hit on by a man, it is a huge boost to the ego :) I think if men stopped hitting on women it would be really sad :(

Now, I know when I was single, my girlfriends and I used to get drinks bought for us all the time. All you male readers out there, how do you feel when a woman buys you a drink? :) Do you think that if a woman buys you a drink, she's desperate? Cute? Fun? What do men really think?

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

chrissy,

I like to buy men drinks. I usually have the bartender put it on their tab, then I leave. Quickly.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Omniscience said...

you people with vaginas got it easy. y'all can get it any time you want, we have to act like idiots.

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger K said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger K said...

heh, omni. clearly a bitch missed that memo with that astronaut shit.

all a man has to do is leave the damn atmosphere and wham! he becomes desireable. otherwise you are just like any other swinging schlong on earth.

 
At 2:09 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

omni,

Not everyone with a vagina is easy. Also, pimpin' ain't easy.

k,

I gotta get a space man.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Kelley said...

I think my husband is one of the only men I dated who I didn't hit on initially. It's a good thing; he'll never know the extent of my former desperation.

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger Killer said...

Poor Rick, he never stood a chance.
I too was getting excited by your proposal and hoping you could bring it up at the next girl convention. I even leaned in to kiss the computer, but oddly enough, I also got a mouthful of hair. I need to clean up around here.

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger desiree said...

How does one ask the sage Mist1 for advice? Email? What if my question is just hyserically typed blurbs? Would you still answer? I could fedex some vodka.

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kelley,

I will probably tell him. Feel free to bribe me with shoes.

killer,

I have never proposed to anyone. Ever.

desiree,

I accept all requests for advice via email. I reserve the right to post my insights here. Vodka will get you everywhere.

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

I worked very hard to teach my darling child that boys were stupid; and men were just bigger boys. It's a genetic fault. The amount of blood lost to the brain during an erection is the same as the blood needed to get the erection. (And that the guys with the egos usually had the least amount of blood to work with.) And that every woman deserved to be respected as if she was a queen. Damn, Rick... sorry.

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I you never had the sense with which you were born, what happened to that sense? have you ever thought about hitting on Rick?

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

Poor, poor Rick. I fear he will never get the female sex figured out! Wait a minute...that's our plan, isn't it? LOL

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

willie,

Wait, I'm still doing the math on the erection part.

nick,

I haven't seen my sense or dollars in ages.

evil,

Shhhh...they don't need to know.

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

I tried to let my cleavage to the talking until my boyfriend decided that I was getting too friendly.

I don't know if I'd have the strength to go around hitting on people all the time. I do it when I feel like it, but in general I'm all about the guy making the first move. If guys quit hitting on me, I'd probably just go into a "what's wrong with me?" depression and eat myself into oblivion. At which point, even if guys decided to start hitting on people again, they wouldn't want me because I'd be 3,000 pounds.

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

h & b,

I don't have the gene that questions what's wrong with me. I just assume that it's everyone else.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger Glaziersgirl said...

Mist, you should advise him to compliment her shoes and her purse. Metrosexual is very sexy! Better yet, advise him to BUY her shoes or a purse. Nothing churns my butter more than a man who knows how to buy ME shoes and purses. It took me 3 times to get a man I could train to do that.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

TELL HIM TO MOVE TO SCOTTSDALE AZ. HE'LL HIT PAYDIRT THERE. :P

AND Other times, I am more subtle and I let my thong poke out of the back of my jeans do all the talking. DIDN'T WE ALREADY TALK ABOUT THIS??? COME ON NOW... YOU KNOW YOU CONFUSE THE HELL OUT OF THEM IF YOU SHOW THEM THE COLOR OF YOUR CHONIES!!!

HAHAHAHAHAA

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Last time a girl flirted with me (I think it was within the last 5 yrs), I honestly didn't know what to do. I think the stupid grin I mustered after she spoke to me actually encouraged her. Who knows, maybe I helped her win a bet...

 
At 7:17 PM, Blogger That's one clever little bitch! said...

Can you imagine the drop in the self-esteems of all the women out there if men didn't hit on us? A lot of girls I know base their whole sense of worth on how many compliments men give them.

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

I'm happy to do all of the work engaging someone else, but boys, especially, like a challange. I'm trying to curb my tendency to be too honest and open, but it hasn't worked so far.

There is nothing clever about this comment. Sorry--my "aggressive nature" when it comes to romance is a bit of a sore point.

 
At 8:17 PM, Blogger A Million Paths said...

I don't like compliments from men I don't know - it makes me uncomfortable.

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

glazier,

If he's going to start buying shoes and purses, I'm keeping him to myself. Hair and all.

yasamin,

Sometimes, my chonies say it better than I can.

michael,

I won $5 for that. I'm willing to split it with you.

clever,

I don't understand the self worth based on compliments thing.

123,

Put some aloe on that sore point.

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

million,

I do not know the meaning of uncomfortable. Unless you are talking about socks. They make me uncomfortable.

 
At 8:40 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Ouch...
I'll take it in quarters, please.

 
At 10:49 PM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

I think you gave him sound advice. If a guy sleazes onto me I'll reject him immediately. I don't like eating with dirty sausages.

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

That's when the cat fights ensue.

You mean that we couldn't get together in the spirit of cooperation and trade them like baseball cards?

-velvet

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

Of course, there will be a small administrative fee. I'll send $0.75 immediately.

phishez,

Mmmmm, sausage.

velvet,

Lord, I wish. But you know girls.

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Amazing post, Mist1. Very insightful.

I've always thought that men needed a union.

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

lbb,

I want to be on the Board of Directors. That's a great way to meet men.

 

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