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Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Bird's Eye View

I drove back to North Carolina this weekend to spend some time with Mom and Grandma.

I dropped my stuff off in my hotel room, stopped at the bar for a drink or four and made my way to Mom and Grandma's room. Grandma is too short to see through the peephole and refused to answer the door, so I waited in the hall uncomfortably shifting my weight for a few minutes. I took the time to consider why I refused to use the restroom in the lobby bar. It's not like the bathroom in a hotel room is any less public than the restroom in the bar.

Finally, Mom answered the door breathlessly. She hardly greeted me before she ran back to the window.

"Mom, are those binoculars?"

"I never stay in a hotel without them," she answered.

I've known Mom all my life. How did I not know that she travels with binoculars? Mom has a pair of Sharper Image binoculars and a convenient travel case in her luggage at all times. She likes to look out of her window into the buildings surrounding her hotel. I teased her for a bit, but suddenly, I needed to see what she was looking at. The curiosity overwhelmed me.

Mom reluctantly handed over the binoculars. "They're cleaning that office over there."

I watched a woman vacuum for a few minutes before scanning other offices for more activity. Finding nothing, I returned to the woman vacuuming. If this had been a horror movie, she would have noticed me watching her. She would have finished chopping up the body and fixed her gaze with mine. She would have made that I Will Cut Your Skinny Throat With This Box Cutter gesture. Creeped out, I backed away from the window.

That night, when I undressed I thought about closing the curtains. My mom can't be the only person who travels with binoculars. I got in bed, but I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I heard the distant sound of a vacuum.

I put on the waffle weave robe generously provided by the hotel and took the elevator down to Mom and Grandma's room. I waited for Mom to open the door and asked if I could stay with her for the night.

I slept uncomfortably in Mom's bed. Grandma's snoring sounded like a vacuum. I slept in on Saturday morning. Mom and Grandma went to brunch. I woke up to a knock on the door and a woman's voice saying, "housekeeping."

I almost wet the bed.

Mist 1


At 9:01 PM, Blogger Burg said...

I always travel with a microscope. I at least like to have a look at the bacteria I'm sleeping in so that I can later describe it to the doctor.

At 9:04 PM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Oh, the ironing!

Your mother needs to upgrade to a pair that can also pick up sound. Surely.

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Lex said...

That's freaky that your mom does that. I would have been scared to.

At 9:32 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Gawd, that was *you* looking at me across the way with the binoculars the other day?!! What are the chances? Sorry I muttered "Creepy bitch."

I've been moonlighting. Don't hate me because I'm vacuuming.

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Your mom sounds like Gladys Cravitz from Bewitched.

And the housekeeping lady would have really wanted to kill you if she had had to clean up your pee soaked sheets.

At 10:01 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

Let me get this straight. You Grandmother and Mom went to brunch, and left you for the housekeeping lady, knowing that you slept with them because you were afraid of something? And after they left, the housekeeping lady showed up? You brought condoms to bed, didn't you?

At 10:12 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

Another reason I do not watch horror movies.

At 11:09 PM, Blogger SQT said...

My brother is even scarier, he has a directional microphone you can point at anyone's house to listen in on conversations. I haven't been the same since I found out about this.

At 11:15 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

I can't believe your mom and grandma didn't put the Do Not Fucking Disturb sign on the door when they went to brunch.

Some people!...

At 2:23 AM, Blogger Odat said...

Weird....but funny.

At 2:40 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

there's nothing worse than domesticated nightmares. shudder.

At 3:31 AM, Blogger Rhonda Jones said...

This is a tight piece.

Ok, that soooo didn't come out right.

At 3:39 AM, Anonymous Slick said...

Your Mom and Grandma knew it's best for people to face their fears....they were helping you.

At 4:14 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

Soon after I joined the police department in Philly, I realized that almost everyone who lives in a high-rise aparment or condo complex owns a pair of binoculars in not a telescope...

Kind of give you the creeps...

At 4:31 AM, Blogger Kungfukitten said...

I always leave the curtains open. I feel it's my duty to give anonymous office workers a thrill if they get stuck working late.

At 4:47 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I don't know where you got that picture of me, but I swear I wasn't looking in your bedroom window. I swear it.

At 4:48 AM, Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

I have monocle. I keep it in my purse.

At 4:57 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

There now, you see what an imagination will do for you? I recommend a diet of reality TV and beer - that should deaden the brain nicely.


At 5:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I try not to think about microbes and stuff.


Funny. Do they really make binoculars with sound?


I am seriously thinking about getting a pair for myself.


You have great vacuuming form.


I didn't pee. I swear.


I actually had a nightmare about condoms on Saturday night.


I can't help it.


How far does that thing reach and where does he live?


You see, in my family we don't have manners.


That's all I've got today.


Domestic beer is pretty bad too.


I've heard that before.


I'm glad they didn't make me face monkeys in clothing. I'm afraid of those too.


I own a telescope. I do not travel with it.


I am sure that they thank you for it.


Enjoy the show.


Now, that's just classy. I keep panties in my purse.


I was not imagining things. I could really hear vacuums.

At 5:21 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

What's waffle weave? It's fun to say. Waffle weave. Waffle weave. Waffle weave.

Is it anything like waffle fries? I like those.

At 5:24 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

I was just getting ready to say that it was a little disturbing that your mom actually carried binoculars everywhere with her... that is until I read the comments posted already. Hell, your mom is one of the normal people apparently.

At 5:32 AM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

It must have been a shock to learn you have a "peeping mom" for a mother!

At 6:06 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Can I help it that the fem next door is an exhibitionist? I feel that I'm helping her find her true self.

At 6:06 AM, Blogger frannie said...

she needs some with night vision!!

At 6:06 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

Where in NC?

At 6:11 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


We need to get you to an Omni hotel.


Of course she's normal. Look at me, I'm the picture of normality too.


Peeping mom is really funny.


You are truly a saint.


Please don't tell my mom that binoculars come with night vision. I don't want her to be on any watch lists.



At 6:44 AM, Blogger Matt said...

Okay, Mist1, now you're stealing from Alfred Hitchcock? :)

At 6:46 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I know what you mean, though. For some reason, one of the janitors here doesn't like me and another, I suspect, is afraid of me. Don't know why.

At 6:56 AM, Blogger Nölff said...

That means you have to drive through Greenville to get there.

It's boring as hell

At 7:18 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

You poor thing, you have such an active imagination.

At 7:31 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

see here's where you turn the tables on the cleaning lady and why i always carry 15 pounds of bologna (or liverwurst) with me at all times. lay the slices of bologna across the bed's bottom sheet, then make the bed up perfectly. she will be so confused by your actions she won't dare chop you up. you gotta out crazy them.

At 8:03 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

That's really funny. And creepy.

I'll never look at cleaning women the same again. ;)


At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Dallas Dysfunction said...

I have an un-natural obsession with vaccuums. they suck so good

At 8:14 AM, Blogger choochoo said...

hmm... Binoculars. I have to remember that the next time I go somewhere

At 8:26 AM, Blogger Girl, Dislocated said...

I'm like your grandma. I'm too short to see through the peephole, so I never answer the door. Since I only know about 4 people in the state I live in who know where I live, and none of them would simply drop by, it's safe to say anyone standing at my door doesn't belong there.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Bird on a Wire said...

Hitchcock's "Rear Window" comes to mind.

At 9:05 AM, Blogger huberama said...

the fear of the housekeeper i can understand... obviously anyone who actually enjoys cleaning for a living is suspicious. but i assume the reason you thought about closing the curtains was fear for your life, right? and not modesty. not from the girl who answers to the door in her boy knickers. to the UPS man.

At 9:05 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

lol, I see that you watch way too many horror flicks too. :D

At 9:38 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Maybe a contact high would loosen him up.


I drove about 100mph through Greenville. I didn't even stop at Cracker Barrel.


There's always a lot going on in my head. Sometimes, I need a break.


I can't buy a sausage that large. The deli lady with know what I'm up to.


It was like she knew of my phobia.


You should rename your blog Dyson Dysfunction.


I know. Mom makes good sense.


So, you answer the door with a hunting rifle?


I thought you'd say The Birds.


What's modesty?


Even the suggestion of power tools scares me.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Brooklyn Frank said...

hahaha. nice.

At 10:22 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Knowing that people like your Mom have binoculars....I always like to walk around in my panties and bra with an open window. That way I can give someone a thrill (other than my husband).

At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Miss Britt said...

I always leave the curtains open. And I prance around and shake my butt and take my "stockings" off in a very "movie making" way.

But I won't have sex in my own room with the lights on. Heh.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

I travel with binoculars...but then, I'm a creepy pervert. ;)


At 10:45 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Retaliate. Start travelling with a high-powered telescope. You could check out Saturn. Or you could count the number of piercings that someone in the next building has.

At 10:54 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Binoculars in the suitcase... how disturbing! I'm totally stealing this idea.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Kelley said...

My dad brought binoculars on our vacation in New Mexico. They were purportedly for viewing the wildlife, but I soon discovered how few New Mexicans close their drapes. I have been meaning to buy a pair myself.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

See after all these years you still have more to learn about your mother. Who knows what other fun things you can learn about her.

At 11:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


I am nice. Thanks for noticing.


Please don't take my mom to court.


I can do that butt move too.


You are like my mother in so many ways.


I keep my telescope at home for planetary stuff...or spying on my neighbors.


Sharper Image. Seriously. Very cute, very reasonable, very portable.


Planning my next vacation for NM.


My mother's been watching you.

At 11:32 AM, Blogger avitable said...

Did you accidentally delete my comment? Because I know I left one. Unless I'm going crazy. I said "Just don't bring a blue light with you on your travels or you'll never stay in a hotel again."

At 12:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


You're going crazy.

At 12:06 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

One morning we came into work and found the office vacuum in the middle of the lobby floor. One of the night crew had taped a note to it that said, "This thing don't suck."


At 12:08 PM, Blogger Dan said...

You mom's binoculars are very nice indeed. I had a good look at them. I was in the room next to the woman vaccuuming, looking at you watching the woman vaccuuming.

My binoculars are pretty cool too.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger Lee said...

I had sex against a hotel window once...just in case anyone forgot their binoculars.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

"Housekeeping"...makes me think of Tommy Boy RIP, Chris. ~sighs~

Was the continental breakfast good?

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Susan said...

Something fun to travel with: a black light. Shine it on your hotel bed and see how clean it really is. I've been trying to convince my boss to install some outdoor black light effects at the bar on the deck--he's afraid the deck (aka sex place of the bar) would glow so bright it'd be seen from space. I see it as free marketing.

At 12:26 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! You scared the hell out of yourself. Had you considered that since Mom carries the binoculars that she's looking for people to cut up into little pieces? Better sleep with one eye open in that hotel room! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Just kidding. I know I'm not that funny. BTW, what part of NC? I'm thinking of moving to the Charlotte area when I reach my boiling point in Miami.

At 12:37 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

What part of NC were you in? I lived in the western mountains for a long time. It's a beautiful state, if they could just get over the Civil War.

At 1:54 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I like things that suck.


I am uncomfortable with you referencing my mom's binoculars.


Now I wish that I hadn't been staying with Mom and Grandma.


Buffet brunch every morning. There was no bathroom scale.


There are already enough things in a hotel room that disturb me.


Charlotte. Cutest little uptown ever.


I feel like the city of Charlotte should pay me for this post.

At 4:24 PM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

I need to start bringing binoculars with me, but somehow I don't think they would be as fun at a Motel 6....OR it might be much more interesting.

At 5:10 PM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

Eeek! Yep, that would have made me wet myself too! Especially if she said she needed to vacuum...

At 5:14 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Yowza. Not my part of NC, I hope?

Glad you've known your Mom your whole life!

At 5:15 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


They would be perfect at a Motel 6.


I didn't wet myself. I almost wet myself. Seriously.

At 5:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


I think we saw you. Cute undies.

At 5:49 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

See, that's what you get when you cross binoculars with an overactive imagination!

At 5:57 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

I hope my mother never reads this post as she is so bloody nosy but I don't think she's got the binoculars bit yet. Maybe she has her own satellite - I wouldn't put it past her.

At least there was an 'almost' in the last sentence.

At 6:34 PM, Blogger Em said...

Peeping at other buildings from the hotel, eh? There is a mom that knows how to have a good time. Of course, watching a vacuum might not qualify is riveting.

At 6:53 PM, Blogger Steph said...

As someone who is about to spend four nights in a hotel room with someone i despise, you just creeped me out even further.
Thank you. I may never sleep again.

At 7:04 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

You could have put up the 'do not disturb' sign, but then they would have known you were inside...

Now cue the creepy music (and I don't mean Ray Conniff)

At 7:20 PM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I got the loving wife a telescope to watch the birds out back. Then the neighbors decided to get busy with it all over their hot tub.

Train wreck! What the hell, it was more entertaining than watching a cardinal taking a dump.

At 9:37 PM, Blogger Yasamin said...

wanna know something even more scary? try leaving an entire stash of chonies in the drawer at the Luxor in vegas after an especially hectic night.

I'm sure it was vise versa for us.. i scared the shit outta housekeeping. lol

"que es esto?"
"chonies de la cochina!" lol hahah

At 9:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...


They need to put a warning on those things.


I threw the almost in so no one would judge me.


Maybe you had to be there. It was thrilling.


Enjoy. I am here to help.


I love the Do Not Disturb sign. I take them off of people's doors.


Yes, my telescope is for um, birdwatching too.


You either scared housekeeping, or made their day.

At 1:26 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

They certenly do make binoculars with sounds capturing devices, but they are extremly expensive.

At 7:26 AM, Blogger mist1 said...


Money is no object.


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"All of this happened, more or less." - Kurt Vonnegut

Name: Mist1
Location: Dirty South, USA

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