Stand By Me
When I visit other people's homes, I look in the fridge. I'm not really looking for anything to eat, I'm just making sure that the fridge is clean in the event that I do want a snack that isn't mostly vodka.
My mother stops cleaning her fridge months in advance when she knows that I am coming for a visit. I love to open up the containers of furry rice and brightly colored yogurt. I announce expiration dates on the items in the fridge and tell her what I was wearing the year that it died. For example, she had salad dressing from when I wore oversized Girbaud jeans and hoodies. She just sits on the couch and congratulates herself on her master plan to have her fridge cleaned. I throw out almost everything, except for the sour cream. I still can't understand why an expiration date is relevant on sour cream.
I do not hold my fridge to the same standards. I know I'm not going to eat anything out of there. The only thing that I really use my fridge for is to store old condiments and to keep my body lotion chilled for a refreshing, yet moisturizing summer experience.
Over the past few weeks, I have noticed that a murky brown liquid is seeping out from under my fridge. I ignored it because maybe it would fix itself. Last weekend, my pet sitter noticed the spillage and decided that the solution was to stuff a pink sponge under the right corner of the crisper. Noticing that the sponge had disappeared, I decided to investigate. This is a bit like the part in horror movies when the babysitter hears someone in the basement and decides to go down the stairs to find out where the noise is coming from. I knew that I shouldn't do it and I was afraid, but I couldn't resist.
I pulled out the crisper drawer. It wasn't that bad. It seems that it is possible to have a self-sustaining terrarium in a crisper. The potatoes were growing potatoes and there was new some kind of smog colored pudding on top of the corn that I purchased last July when it was 10 for $1. I examined the new crop and pulled the drawer entirely out.
In the murky brown liquid at the bottom of the fridge swam a colony of what looked either like spinach or leaches. I can't be sure.
I replaced the drawer. I am going to have to move.