To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Thursday, February 01, 2007

Raising the Dead


In my efforts to be more seductive, I have been taking a belly dance class. I want to be able to swivel my hips in tiny figure eights and make little bells jingle when I move. I have been mesmerized by belly dancers since I went to a party at a local restaurant where the dancers smiled alluringly at the diners and graciously accepted tips without being called whores. Yes, I thought, this is the exercise program for me. Also, I find that little pooch belly that all belly dancers seem to have irresistible. I assume that belly dancing creates that pooch, but so far, I have not acquired one.

I take the class at my neighborhood adult novelty store. In addition to belly dance, they offer stripping and pole dancing classes. There is also a wide variety of flavored lubricants for those of us who prefer something tastier (albeit less economical) than spit as a lubricant.

There is only one woman in my class who does not hate me. I assume that the others hate me due to my magnificent coordination and cute jingly anklets and not due to my lack of a pooch. She used to want to be a nun, but now she wants to be a belly dancer. I like her because she bases her choice of profession on costuming. I respect that.

The woman has a monthly Goddess party at her home. Not knowing what a Goddess party was, I accepted her invitation. A Goddess party, it turns out, is like a grown up Ouija board get together. That's Ouija, not orgy.

All the attendees are creative and poetic and lovely. The food is divine and the wine is excellent. The problem is that every Goddess party begins with what I can only describe as a seance. Candles are lit and everyone holds hands. We close our eyes and a solemn oath of womanhood is offered. This is the part where I start to giggle. I cannot contain myself. I don't know why I find it funny, I just always feel like we should start playing Twister under the moon. I start imagining the Twister mat all greased up and then, I lose it.

I want to keep attending these events, but I want to skip the seance. This month, I tried showing up late, but she held off the ceremony until I arrived. Next month, it is imperative that I get out of the seance. All the guests are supposed to bring an offering for the Goddess; something that we want to raise.

I would bring that nice elderly gentleman that I met playing Bingo, but he already has Viagra.

Mist 1


78 Comments:

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

Yeah, that's a little out there for me. I'm afraid of Ouija Boards...just the people who are THAT into Ouija Boards.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kevin,

To be honest, the Ouija board has not made an appearance. I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

It's the same reason I don't go to church - inappropriate giggling.

Maybe you can find an old woman with sagging breasts that need to be raised? She might even be able to sit in the seance without laughing.

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

churlita,

I'm not that compassionate. I'm not trying to help out anyone's boobs but my own.

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

I could never trust myself at a seance. I'd be trying to chat with Elvis wanting to know why he made the movie 'Girl Happy.'

I started quoting Jim Morrison's poetry and humming Doors tunes at a seance once. Yeah, it was strongly suggested that I leave. High schoolers can be co cruel!

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Claudia said...

I've seen dancers making their bellys jingle...

 
At 10:24 PM, Blogger katherine. said...

this totally makes me think of that scene in Ya-Ya Sisterhood where they lit those candles and wore those hats...

 
At 10:30 PM, Blogger The CEO said...

1
There are some things better left as mysteries. For me, this may be one of them.

 
At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Random Girl said...

I guess I should thank you for giving me a reason for my pooch. "Yes dear, I did get it belly dancing...thank you for asking".....These hips don't lie.

 
At 11:27 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I took belly dance classes for a while, but I had no belly, just a concave middle. The teacher raised peacocks for the feathers, which we used in our dance. There were pasties with little bells. I especially liked the jingly anklets.

Next, I took up knitting.

 
At 11:55 PM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Mist, honey, I support any physical activity that gets you, or any one else, shaking their groove things.

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger Love Monkey said...

I once worked at a store that had these kinds of "events." I felt like giggling a lot.

My friend and I also tried to learn belly dancing. We really sucked at it - and the teacher made fun of us which made us laugh even more than when we laughed at ourselves. Good times.

I'm definitely choosing my next profession based on costuming. I think it's the only way to go now that you mention it.

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger spoon said...

I do tap dancing, not quite as sexy and people don't throw money at me...but I do have the pooch!

 
At 12:52 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Every time you said pooch, I got a little closer to peeing my pants.

 
At 1:40 AM, Blogger Skittles said...

Good luck getting some pooch.

 
At 1:55 AM, Blogger Nosjunkie said...

Dont know about the belly but it does get rid of love handels

 
At 2:22 AM, Blogger RKM said...

So despite the fact that all but one of the attendees hates you, you think they are all creative and lovely and poetic?

You are a better person than most of us, than indeed I am.

 
At 2:36 AM, Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

As a Turkish male I can honestly say I don't find a strip-tease with dinner too appealing. Then again, I don't like Turkish coffee either. Or cigarettes. I don't know if you're a coffe drinking smoker but I think you're more Turkish than I am.

And if you want a nice little jelly-belly drink beer from time to time. Replace every 4th glass of wine with beer. Its easy, just think of it as cigarette-butted-wine if you don't like beer.

Good luck with the flavoured lubricants. Apprently passionfruit makes me edible. Go figure.

 
At 3:22 AM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

well honey, i'd say bring vodka.

and mist? i'd like to belly dance too but my long empty boobs just keep slapping my big jiggly belly and well, it's just not a pretty sight. you know? i think i might try it anyway, what night is your class?

smiles, bee

 
At 4:28 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Just tell her that you are the Goddess... if it's too pretentious for them then they haven't adapted to the correct level of awe.

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Donuts gave me my pooch. Now I have a roof over my head.

 
At 5:34 AM, Blogger MJ said...

I giggle at all of the wrong moments also… gets me into a lot of trouble!! We have a belly dance festival once a year here and believe me.. They come in all shapes and sizes.. pooch and no pooch…

 
At 5:37 AM, Blogger That's one clever little bitch! said...

When i had to take "life drawing" in college, i was shocked to walk in the first night to find a naked elderly man posing. I'd hoped to have a little time to build up to the event as I was sure I wouldn't be able to help but laugh. After a while I got used to it though. Maybe you will too?

 
At 5:56 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

What sort of SHOES to belly dancers wear? Because I've always been kind of curious about it and thought about learning to do it but if its a barefoot things... what's the point?

I've just recently discovered your blog. LOVE.

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger frannie said...

I used to take belly dancing classes and my "teacher" was like that. She threw Goddess parties and did all kinds of wacked out stuff. I was frequently inflicting considerable pain on myself to keep from laughing.

 
At 6:30 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

Take the chickens in one of your earlier posts.

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger Matt said...

You left right before they all started lezzing out.

 
At 7:07 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

As long as you don't go into the bathroom, turn the lights out and say "Bloody Mary" three times, you should be fine.

 
At 7:45 AM, Blogger Tammie Jean said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning! Now I have to read back through your other posts...

By the way, I've always wanted to bellydance, just so I can dress up like I Dream Of Jeanie.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Either you never, ever sleep, or you're actually not one person, but identical twins. How do you find time for such adventures?

I myself am peculiarly attracted to the pouty little belly you observe in belly dancers. Much more intriguing than strippers.

A nearby Lebanese restaurant has a belly dancer that likes to smile at me. The fact that she looks a lot like a girl I had the hots for in high school doesn't hurt either.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Kate said...

I will gladly donate my pooch to you. Gladly.

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Candles are lit and everyone holds hands. We close our eyes

A word of advice. Keep your hand on your wallet.

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I chatted online with Elvis once.

claudia,

That is taught in the Advanced Class. I am in the Look Like an Idiot Class.

katherine,

I'm not pricking my finger for anyone, except my doctor, and even then.

Thanks for coming by.

0,

You do mean Misteries, right?

random,

Tell everyone about your wild international belly dance competitions.

hearts,

How does one go from pasties to knitting?

123,

I needed your approval.

love,

I have never had a job that required that I keep my costume on.

Thanks for coming by.

spoon,

Every time I think about it I want to be a tap dancer. I don't think about it much, but today, I want to be a tap dancer again. Thanks.

jay,

Poochpoochpoochpoochpoochpooch.

skittles,

I have dedicated myself to the task.

junkie,

I have one love handle. My ponytail.

rkm,

I don't hate them for fearing the power of my hips.

orhan,

Passionfruit? That's a little too fruity for me. I prefer lube flavored like a dirty martini.

bee,

Join the class. When your boobs slap you, we will feel like everyone is clapping for us.

qofd,

I will need to shop for Goddess attire.

nwjr,

Mmmmm...donuts.

mj,

I had a giggling fit in the ER once.

clever,

I am used to the naked elderly man. We just keep it very, very dark.

chef,

I am usually bare foot in class. Afterwards, my feet look like porn feet. I bought sparkly shoes, but I can't tell the right from the left.

And thanks, I love this blog too.

frannie,

I need one of those Opus Dei belts.

Thanks for coming by.

swamp,

I'm not sure if these ladies like cocks.

matt,

Another missed opportunity.

av,

Gawd, I could use a bloody mary.

tammie,

Jeanie didn't wear nearly enough bells.

Thanks for coming by.

mystic,

I rarely sleep. Sometimes, I doze off while driving.

kate,

I'm sorry to hear that you are retiring from belly dancing.

Thanks for coming by.

dan,

You are a professional. I am going to have a seance. You are not invited.

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

I would SO take a belly dancing class if they offered them in this shithole I live in.

I already have the belly pooch.

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

It was cold wearing pasties and all those veils. I needed a sweater.

 
At 10:39 AM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Remember the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" where Kathy Bates character finds out she has to bring a mirror to her next "woman's meeting" to look at her vagina? heh heh heh....

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger fringes said...

I'm sure the pole dancing class, um, ladies don't hold seances.

 
At 11:33 AM, Blogger jali said...

I wanna go to Goddess class!

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

Wow...something to raise? Maybe that floundering pot plant?

I'm afraid I'm too giggly for Goddess class. They would kick me out...or light me on fire.

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

tell the demons I said hi when they start hanging around your house.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Burg said...

My husband took a Viagra just to see what it would do for him and it got stuck in his throat. It didn't do anything for him in bed, but he's had a stiff neck ever since.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

We run Goddess parties - everyone comes round, drinks wine and poledances. The offering the girls bring is generally hard cash. It works for us.

Puss

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger K said...

sorry, somehow i just became fixated on the notion of greased up twister.

i have the maturity of a seventh grader.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

Aaaah, the people you meet at the neighborhood porno store.

 
At 1:57 PM, Blogger Genilimaa said...

I was invited to a colleague once, "a few friends and we'll eat and chat", and got Tupperwared. I remember sitting there, all suspicious, wondering what they were going to do to me.

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

I took a few belly dancing classes last year. But I've been moving my hips backwards and forwards for soooooo many years that changing to side to side was nigh near impossible!

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

Godiva = pooch. Sorry to say, you might have to start ingesting food to get the belly.

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

It appears that if you want to attend the party you'll have to attend the seance. It's rather like next Sunday's Superbowl party: if folks want to attend, they'll have to put up with the game on the TV.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger Brian said...

In a few brief seconds my mental picture went from Shakira to a strip club... and there's nothing wrong with that.

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Sometimes, I wish that you lived closer to me.

hearts,

I don't feel sexy in a sweater. I can only knit a scarf. I do feel sexy in a scarf.

karmyn,

That's what the mirror on the ceiling is for.

fringes,

Are you saying their not ladies? Don't you judge them.

jali,

It competes with your poetry night.

tigger,

They canceled the fire play class.

stilt,

I'd like to invite you to the seance all the demons have been asking about you.

burg,

Poor Viagra. What a waste.

puss,

Your parties sound like much more fun.

k,

It's sounds like a good party game to me too.

jessie,

Some of the finest people I know.

geni,

I never thought about it like that. Oh, that's funny.

edgy,

I hear you.

jocelyn,

Does gum count as food?

nick,

What is this Superbowl that you speak of?

brian,

That's sort of what it's like, only with more candles and spirits.

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger Bird on a Wire said...

I didn't know that "grown up Ouija board get togethers" actually existed.

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger C said...

I think this is her way of easing into a swingers situation.

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

bird,

Where have you been? I also still enjoy toilet papering the neighbors.

c,

Sweet.

 
At 8:00 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I was a Ouija board FREAK back in elementary school.

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger hyacinths and biscuits said...

woah, woah, woah. Are you telling me that having a belly pooch is desireable? Am I correct in thinking that a pooch is the same thing as a fat belly? If so, I don't even need to take up belly dancing. I already have that alluring figure.

 
At 10:11 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

I like the figure eights part. But my balls don't jingle.

 
At 1:26 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

When the wife has that itch that needs scratched she asks if I'm interested in breaking out the Ouija board to try and raise the dead.

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Whhy hasn't anyone invented an orgy board yet?

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

I always thought it was paunch .... but I like pooch better, being a dog lover and all!

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pissy,

Relive those days. Join the belly dancing cult.

h & b,

You lucky shapely creature. I am envious. My body is streamlined.

tan,

You're jinglin' baby.

blitz,

Does your wife suffer from athlete's foot?

phishez,

Go directly to the patent office. Try to beat me there.

icl,

I prefer pooch too.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

Just point over her shoulder during the seance and scream. That might work.

-velvet

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

velvet,

I'm going to practice my screaming. My neighbors are used to me, they won't mind at all.

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger kat said...

"I like her because she bases her choice of profession on costuming. I respect that."

Oh you are too funny.

Godess parties are fun as long as you don't take them too seriously. It's like a slumber party without the sleepover: you get together, eat, drink, play light as a feather-stiff as a board, pull out the ouija and blame others for pushing the indicator, give up, talk about boys, give up, and go to bed.

It's all good.

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

Oh yeah, I'd get kicked out in a heartbeat. They don't call me The GigglePixie for nothing.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

kat,

I want to come to your Goddess parties. There's no mention of sacrifice.

Thanks for coming by.

evil,

I thought they called you Evil Genius.

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger Buttercup said...

You just made me giggle at my desk. I love your writing. That's so cool that you're taking a belly dancing class. It's been on my list of things to do.

 
At 5:45 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

buttercup,

You want to giggle? You should see me in action.

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger Robin said...

Hilarious! I was rolling all over the floor...most enjoyable.

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

robin,

We roll on the floor during our sessions too.

Thanks for coming by.

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger Robin said...

I attended my belly class last night (www.rebellydance.com)...I do two classes back to back.

On the way there, my water dumped over in my bag and soaked two veils and my hip scarf...that sucked! I borrowed a veil from my instructor but no jingles...definitely took the wind out of my sails!

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

robin,

What is belly dancing without jingles?

 
At 4:53 PM, Blogger Robin said...

hip scarf-less with no jingles definitely did suck.

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

robin,

I suck too. Don't let that get out.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Robin said...

riversedge unitards suck too....got my custom made unitard today and it hangs on me like a pantsuit...she asked if i could find someone to alter it for me ...(i went exactly by their suggestions for my size)...52.50 and I got to pay someone to alter...CRAP~!

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

robin,

I don't do unitards. I also don't do unibrows or retards.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger Robin said...

unibrows are out...retards...oh I like those..they are so sweet! I'm not altering the freakin unitard...I'm going to gain weight so it fits (figured that was a better plan)..

 
At 1:48 PM, Blogger Robin said...

Got my recital belly costume...I'm so excited..it is beautiful..even with the gut sucking unitard I am wearing under it...

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

robin,

I have to learn how to read. I thought you said "rectal belly costume." I was like, "damn."

Wish me luck, I have a pole dance class tonight.

No unitards.

 

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