I like happy hour in hotel bars because I get the chance to make sh*t up to people who don't know any better. They're only drinking to pass the time hat they are wasting at a company sponsored convention. I am free to tell them all kinds of stuff up and they are so drunk that they love it. Also, I think that every bar should have bedrooms upstairs. That is just genius.
Sometimes, drunk people think that I'm a kindred spirit. Just because I'm drunk too doesn't mean that we will get along.
Last night, two women in matching dresses came to the bar. The man from Cleveland next to me said, "I wonder if they know that they're wearing the same dress." At first, I was impressed that he noticed that they were wearing different dresses. Just as I was going to explain the phenomenon of bridesmaids to him, their dates joined them. The red faced man had his shirt open to his navel, exposing his hairy breasts.
They ordered a few rounds of drinks. Within minutes, the women left the bar. That's when the breasted man decided to talk to me.
As much as I appreciated the conversation (asking me where I dance is always a good lead into a meaningful conversation with me) and his lewd offers, I grew tired of him quickly. I decided to give him valuable advice. I explained to him that his window of opportunity was rapidly closing. I thought that he should know that when you date a woman in a bridal party, you only have a narrow window of opportunity to f*ck her.
I explained to him in plain English that it would take her three minutes to wash off most of her make up and another six minutes to get out of her horrid dress. She would then need an additional 12 minutes to slip into something more comfortable. That would be the opportune moment for him to arrive in the room, preferably with champagne. Men, if you want to hit it, heed my advice; after that, she will return to the bitter bridesmaid that she was hours ago, albeit passed out and not in uncomfortable shoes and an ugly dress.
He listened attentively and then told me that he didn't mind if she was passed out. He would be more than happy to punch a hole in the wall and spend a few moments romancing it.
I promptly reserved the room next to theirs.