To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Friday, February 09, 2007

Opportunity


I like happy hour in hotel bars because I get the chance to make sh*t up to people who don't know any better. They're only drinking to pass the time hat they are wasting at a company sponsored convention. I am free to tell them all kinds of stuff up and they are so drunk that they love it. Also, I think that every bar should have bedrooms upstairs. That is just genius.

Sometimes, drunk people think that I'm a kindred spirit. Just because I'm drunk too doesn't mean that we will get along.

Last night, two women in matching dresses came to the bar. The man from Cleveland next to me said, "I wonder if they know that they're wearing the same dress." At first, I was impressed that he noticed that they were wearing different dresses. Just as I was going to explain the phenomenon of bridesmaids to him, their dates joined them. The red faced man had his shirt open to his navel, exposing his hairy breasts.

They ordered a few rounds of drinks. Within minutes, the women left the bar. That's when the breasted man decided to talk to me.

As much as I appreciated the conversation (asking me where I dance is always a good lead into a meaningful conversation with me) and his lewd offers, I grew tired of him quickly. I decided to give him valuable advice. I explained to him that his window of opportunity was rapidly closing. I thought that he should know that when you date a woman in a bridal party, you only have a narrow window of opportunity to f*ck her.

I explained to him in plain English that it would take her three minutes to wash off most of her make up and another six minutes to get out of her horrid dress. She would then need an additional 12 minutes to slip into something more comfortable. That would be the opportune moment for him to arrive in the room, preferably with champagne. Men, if you want to hit it, heed my advice; after that, she will return to the bitter bridesmaid that she was hours ago, albeit passed out and not in uncomfortable shoes and an ugly dress.

He listened attentively and then told me that he didn't mind if she was passed out. He would be more than happy to punch a hole in the wall and spend a few moments romancing it.

I promptly reserved the room next to theirs.

Mist 1


75 Comments:

At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Alison said...

I agree that the concept of bedrooms above bars is a good one.

 
At 8:54 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Yeah, on the alison front.

But - oh dear. Seriously? He wasn't having any of that?

Blech. Ugly.

And hairy man breasts, too? Oh the horror.

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

LOL, thanks for the laugh.

 
At 9:35 PM, Anonymous heather said...

ewww, do they make body condoms??? lol

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Wow, what a charmer. I love it when a guy tells me he's just as happy to get busy with a hole in the wall as he with me. It makes me feel as pretty as plaster.

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

oh what a gentleman! that's nice honey, that he was as caring about his little "miss"matched dates. i thought for a minute when there were two of them you were going to say you were seeing double and there was really only one. now did he have on a big gold necklace? that's nice too. so glad you had a good time. what shoes did you wear? did you see the post i wrote about you and shoes yet? no? sigh... better get over there before it gets worn out with all the traffic bounding in to read about you. i may have to start a weekly post about you. that'll rake 'em in....

smiles, bee

ps: i think my meds are a little off today honey. sigh....

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

who wears a shirt like that still? I guess despite all my protests the 80's are coming back...ugh

 
At 11:13 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Was the song 'What is love' playing in the background. You should be commended for giving him advice. We're all here to help others, afterall.
;-)

 
At 11:23 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Did your room have a hole in the wall? (For the Hole in the Wall Gang Bang, of course.)

Tell me about your shoes. Severely pointed toes would have been handy. (So to speak.)

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger Nosjunkie said...

I got as far as the hairy chest and almost hurled

 
At 2:23 AM, Anonymous pinkjellybaby said...

oh ugh he sounds horrid

 
At 2:41 AM, Blogger curiositykiller said...

Hairy chest and open shirt bumping and grinding a wall... thanks, now I'll be having nightmares all weekend. Now I HAVE to get drunk.

 
At 3:02 AM, Blogger crowwoman / rhian said...

Heh. That was pretty damn funny. I can't get the hairy moobs out of my heads. Kinda gross...but funny.

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Hairy man breasts are so hawt...

 
At 3:56 AM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

How romantic. My faith in mankind is restored.

Funny, I never get hit on with the line 'where do you dance?' Clearly I'm not trying hard enough.

Puss

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Glory holes are the new pink!

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I'd like a bar in my bedroom... That way I don't have to stagger to far.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

alison,

I have a bedroom above my bar. Technically, it's a kitchen, but it doubles as a bar.

cruiser,

Alison is pretty brilliant, isn't she?

cazzie,

Any time. It's what I like to do.

heather,

Body condoms totally ruin the moment.

churlita,

Now I want a wallpaper dress.

bee,

I'll be right over. I think you should run a regular feature about me. I get so tired of talking about myself. I'd love to let someone else do it for awhile.

pink angel,

I love 80s fashion.

michael,

I am pretty sure that I have found my calling in giving advice. Now, if I could just find a hobby.

hearts,

I'm so glad you asked about the shoes. They have a snakeskin heel.

junkie,

I wonder how many people I can make hurl in a week. I may have to challenge myself next week.

pinkjelly,

You don't think that's charming? Not even just a little bit?

Thanks for coming by.

curiosity,

At least I won't be drinking alone.

crow,

Moobs is a great word.

fab,

I know. Does it for me every time.

puss,

I should have saved this post for Valentine's Day.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Holes of Glory sounds like a movie.

ranger,

Call me when you build that bar. I'm coming over.

 
At 5:20 AM, Blogger Matt said...

My ex-girlfriend's mother once poisoned me at a wedding when I asked her for some Tylenol the next morning. I took five of these pills (which turned out to be Tylenol PM) and knocked over a plate at breakfast only to pass out in the hallway.

They thought I was kind of a stiff.

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger frannie said...

classy!!!

 
At 5:32 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

"She would then need an additional 12 minutes to slip into something more comfortable"

Yeah....it's been my experience that the thing they choose to 'slip' into in that 12 mins - is a cab.

I'm such a charmer.

 
At 5:52 AM, Blogger Reba said...

I will have to tell this to all the single guys who attend my wedding. I will have a few single bridesmaids.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

That guy has tenacity. (Right now, I wish I could come up with a Gary Bussey-like acronym for tenacity.)

I actually really like this typo..."pass the time hat" sounds like something Jim Morrison would shout from the hood of a car right before he pissed all over the windshield.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

I had to go to rehab to get off of Tylenol PM. Then, I relapsed and got into Benadryll.

frannie,

I surround myself with the cream of the crop.

ryan,

Ooooh, good one. I'll have to try that one sometime. What are you doing this weekend?

reba,

I am sure that you meant to ask me to be a bridesmaid. Isn't that what you meant?

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

furious,

I need to proofread.

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I'm sure it is a movie somewhere. Starring Jenna Jameson and Dick Johnson.

 
At 7:12 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

No problem... It should be ready in about a week.

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

av,

Damn. Another movie I can't get from Netflix.

ranger,

Pick me up at 9.

 
At 7:27 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

Thanks for sending him up, Mist. Now the 'chick has a repair bill for the wall. No problem - swiped his credit card while he was gettin' busy. Let's go buy some shoes!

;-)

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

Bridesmaids are hot.

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger Bird on a Wire said...

Bedrooms in bars! Genius! Although some bars have booths, and when you have enough to drink a booth is fine.

"I've always been careful
Where I bedded down.
Last night I thought I scored an angel
And I woke up with a circus clown."
-"It Must Have Been The Wine"

 
At 8:09 AM, Anonymous swamp said...

Hey from Seattle...no time to read...just staying in touch.

 
At 8:18 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

chick,

Tell me again why we don't hang out? We'd be so good together.

nwjr,

What kind of weddings do you go to? Bridesmaids are bitter.

bird,

You make a good point. Why separate your sleeping/f*cking quarters from your drinking quarters.

swamp,

Send a postcard. I want the one that says, Seattle At Night and it's all black. Never fails to make me laugh.

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger fringes said...

People still get married?

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

fringes,

Usually more than once.

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

see, this is why everyone asks you for advice, mist...it's golden. :D

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger velvet girl said...

That's very funny.

Open shirt and hairy man boobs? Thanks for the appetite suppressant just in time for lunch.

-velvet

 
At 9:35 AM, Blogger Queen of Dysfunction said...

Please tell me you hid the GHB when you left.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger mo said...

MOOBS. (new favorite word)

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

I may change the format of this blog. Feel free to ask me for help. I am here for me. I mean, you.

velvet,

I never realize how many gifts I have until I read the comments. I had no idea that I was an appetite suppressant.

qofd,

I know nothing.

mo,

I know, right.

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger Jocelyn said...

I give great credit to a man who is willing to "make it work," even if it is just a hole in the wall. I daresay he probably had a host of good "strange things I've screwed" stories.

 
At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Kristyn said...

Hmm... I'm going to be in a bridal party in May, I hope so strange me open their shirts and show me their hairy chest! Then again, if they do, I can just sick my hubby on them!

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger honkeie2 said...

Bars and berooms...got to love it! But a bedroom is a bit much, all you would really need is a closet with a dim light bulb and a chair. If I am humping someone at a bar during happy hour I am not looking to take my time. Slam-bam-thank you mam!

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Ariel said...

The bar I work at has these huge round booths. We have little pillows we've made out of crown royal bags. The booths are amazingly comfortable for double occupancy.

I don't know where I was leading with that..uh..oh yeah. Bedrooms are a wonderful idea!

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger huberama said...

"... I get the chance to make sh*t up to people who don't know any better..."

Aw, Mist1, I thought you saved that for us! I don't feel special anymore...

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

jocelyn,

I think that was the name of his blog; Things I've Screwed.

kristyn,

Your hubby may get sick on them.

honk,

I'm not humping anyone until after happy hour. I like drink specials too much.

ariel,

I knew I shouldn't have thrown out all those little velvety bags.

hube,

This is mostly factual.

 
At 12:01 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

I see you wear the same flashy neone sign that I do in ever bar.

"FREAKSHOWS STOP HERE AND CHAT ME UP"...it's one of those LED kind that the message runs across the screen.

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

Good grief - neon and every WTF I miss add an extra letter to one word so I have to subtract from another?

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

scotts,

Let's never go out together. It could be disastrous.

I don't grade based on spelling and grammar. Note today's typo in the post.

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger Dallas DYSfunction said...

Blogger hates me I'm sure of it. I tried leaving you a comment earlier and it errored out. It only does this on you sight so I am now onto your little game. You are in Cahoots with Blooger to take over the shoe industry. Well you won't get my pumps baby! ( see what happens whne forced to wait to comment?)

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

You reserved the room next to theirs? Big risk. What if he had punched a hole in the wall next to your room and not the one on the other side of the room?

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Steven Novak said...

You are somehting else, you know that?

And I mean that int the worst possibile of ways. ;)

Steve~

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger Library Mama said...

Why do you get all the adventures, Mist?

My life just seems too boring.

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger Lee said...

I don't mean to judge or anything, but wanting to listen in on a hairy-breasted man f*ckin a hole in the wall is just...well...hilarious! You're a sick m-effer.

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

dallas,

Blogger and I work together to get people to forget their original witty comment.

james,

That was sort of the plan.

steven,

Thank you. I think.

library,

I have few responsibilities, lots of time on my hands, an affinity for liquor, and no hobbies.

lee,

He was going to f*ck the hole in the wall and I'm sick?

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger Brooklyn Frank said...

i was born by the river, in this little tent. and just like this river, i been running ever since.

 
At 3:16 AM, Anonymous lizza said...

Why is it you always meet such disturbing men? :-D

Sometimes, drunk people think that I'm a kindred spirit. Just because I'm drunk too doesn't mean that we will get along.

I totally agree. Cheers!

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Gotta love a guy who doesn't mind if you pass out. being with a guy like that kinda makes you realize you've reached that low point in your life...

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger 123Valerie said...

Oof. I hope Dude brought some lube for that wall. Yikes.

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger Bibi said...

... I think I know that guy ;-)

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger Stewart Sternberg said...

There is nothing more disturbing than wedding sex. I have actually known a couple to sneak off during the reception, creep into a van for about thirty minutes, and then return with that "glow" about them. And of course, they return and proceed to dance to "Shout"

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

Funny I read that twice and do think I entirely 'got' it. When are you putting out the remedial MIST1 blog anyways?

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger Dan said...

The man from Cleveland next to me said

Mist, when will you ever learn? Never ever talk to anyone from Cleveland.

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger A Million Paths said...

I just wanted to share that I'm drinking wine as I read this. I think that you are rubbing off on me Mist. First I'm drinking alone, next thing I'll be frequenting hotel bars.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Brooklyn Frank said...

sweet advice.

 
At 10:04 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

Mist, You seem to spend a significant amount of time in hotel bars. Is there a side business here that I haven't picked up on yet? Or is it just some pathological attraction to ugly guys?

just askin....

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

brooklyn,

I think I was your neighbor. I used to live in a van down by the river.

lizza,

I am magnetic. That's why.

olives,

Every time I think that I've hit my low point, I am surprised with just how much lower I can go.

123,

I think he used spit.

bibi,

Do you know the wall too?

stewart,

Weddings make people think about sex because they know that sex is the first thing to go after the wedding.

icl,

I will need to employ a staff if I want to get another blog up. Now accepting applications.

dan,

How was I supposed to know?

million,

I'll see you at happy hour. You will recognize me by my fabulous shoes and big hair.

brooklyn,

I'm always good for helpful advice.

willie,

Hotel bars are divine. You never have to worry about making an a$$ of yourself in front of the same people.

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Mr Shife said...

You had me at hairy breasts.

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I wonder if it would be profitable to place bedrooms (or maybe just the beds) in bars?

 
At 5:20 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

shife,

I wish I hadn't just had mine waxed.

nick,

You know, we used to have a place here called b.e.d. You could wine and dine in the horizontal position. I just learned that it's closed.

 
At 5:45 PM, Blogger C said...

Wow his idea of sex is rougher than mine.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

c,

Rougher and with a little more plaster.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger notfearingchange said...

dude needs some fashion advice

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

nofear,

I am really good at giving fashion advice, but you can't polish a turd.

 

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