To Do:  1. Get Hobby 2. Floss

Here's what I need to do: 1. Get Hobby, 2. Floss. Blogging just gets in the way.


Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Intellectual Chit Chat


When I was a kid, my parents implemented what they liked to call Intellectual Chit Chat. We practiced Intellectual Chit Chat over dinner. This severely limited dinnertime conversation. We usually ate in silence.

Saturday afternoon, I went to a horse show. I thought it was a donkey show, so I signed up. We competed in all kinds of uppity horsey events like dressage, stadium jumping, endurance, and Connect Four.

My knowledge of horses is limited to Do Not Stand Behind a Horse. Also, I know that horses cannot discriminate between sugar cubes and fingers holding sugar cubes. I tried to feed my horse Splenda as he really didn't need all those excess calories. He still bit my fingers. Dieting makes people, and horses grumpy.

After the ribbon ceremony (Vicki took third, I took a fifth of vodka), we returned to the inn to shower and get ready for dinner. We did not shower together, but we helped each other out of our riding boots. We dined at a lovely local restaurant with her stable hands. Stable hands is probably not the right word. The people who take care of Vicki's horses are former Olympians. They know what they are doing. They bend their knees when they shovel horse sh*t, not with their backs.

I ordered oysters and mussels and shrimp and grits and a salad. I tried my best not to order anything with four legs because I was sensitive to the people that I was dining with who loved four legged animals; people who ordered lamb and veal and gazelle and koala and other cute animals.

I was on my best behavior throughout dinner. I tried my best. Really. It is really, really difficult for me to keep the conversation clean when it keeps turning back to horse semen, especially when I am staring at a plate of oysters. You see, there are certain kinds of horses that are so well bred that you cannot simply send their semen via regular mail. They have to bred live and in person. I know all about it now.

I haven't started online dating yet, but when I do, I promise that I will be discriminating enough to only choose sires who's sperm is so golden that I actually have to be mounted. None of that mail order, dry ice semen for me.

I am a classy girl.

Mist 1


85 Comments:

At 8:05 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

You know what dessert really well with the horsebreeding conversation at dinner? Why, creme brulee of course!

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger Michael C said...

Obviously I meant to say what dessert GOES really well...
there is no excuse for my unprofessionalism here!

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Living in a state famous for its thoroughbred horses and having been an undergrad in the center of the Bluegrass country, I still know little about horses. At least race horses.

I do realize that you are a classy filly.

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger heather said...

just make sure you check his papers and give him a physical before he is permitted to mount you. you've got to make sure you're getting what you're paid for. lol

word verification - twtmi ;-)

 
At 8:49 PM, Blogger Churlita said...

Being mounted makes it sound so much more fun...And classy. I'm not denying all that class you're always exuding.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger C said...

That's no horsing around with the no mail order semen.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Echomouse said...

LOLOL Tooooo good. Thanks Mist :) You are the funniest person in the universe.

 
At 9:41 PM, Blogger James Burnett said...

Animals are delicious.

And "mail order dry ice semen?" Sounds like you're ordering one of those packets of sea horses from the back of comic books.

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Horses don't like Splenda any more than they like mail order, dry ice semen.

Thank you, Michael, for ruining my favorite dessert for me. I will never be able to look at creme brulee in the same way again.

 
At 10:10 PM, Blogger Nosjunkie said...

Didnt know there was an art to shoveling shit. I do alot of that at work and I have just found out Im doing it wrong
neva eaten oysters so no comment there

 
At 11:03 PM, Blogger Jester said...

Damn... there goes my idea for having you carry a baby for me... I had a cooler full of dry ice, a tupperware bowl and a copy of Freshman all ready to go. Guess it's time for plan B.

Damn... I forgot what plan B is.

 
At 11:17 PM, Blogger Lizza said...

LOL! Mist is being naughty again. Oh yeah, she always is. But in such a classy way.

Horseplay is so much fun. Take care with the mounting! You don't know if they're really well-hu...oh, never mind.

 
At 11:39 PM, Blogger Doc said...

Can we pack the man in dry ice and ship him? I volunteer mine as the experimental prototype.

 
At 3:09 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

Can you fit me in on Thursday around 3 PM?

Get it? "Fit me in"?

Ha! I slay myself!

 
At 3:19 AM, Blogger WanderingGirl said...

Earn your sperm the old-fashioned way... ride him for it. You could probably have started with a couple of former Olympians at a restaurant. It's not like you cared about being banned from a local establishment in Aiken!

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I prefer to deliver the old fashioned way myself...

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger Michael Thomas said...

Special Delivery for Mist. Special Delivery. Your semen donor has arrived. Please step behind curtain number 3 to accept the delivery.

 
At 5:06 AM, Anonymous archie said...

NEIGH - - -

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger MJ said...

Well of course.. a girl has to have standards….. plus it is no fun unless you are mounted

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger Irish Church Lady :) said...

You're getting a lot of propositions here MIST, you fast filly!

Of course we expect full disclosure of who you pick. Time to venture into videos???

Hi Ho Silver!

 
At 5:40 AM, Blogger NWJR said...

I would imagine semen tastes better when it's fresh, too.

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

You are too funny Mist. Too funny. Have a good one, I mean day

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger frannie said...

I'm sure you will have no shortage of "donors"

 
At 6:07 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

I have to sell mine on the black market because it's so valuable and considered a WMD.

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

michael,

I just wretched a tiny bit.

nick,

How much do you know about horses?

heather,

I want to know who sired him.

churlita,

I practically ooze class.

c,

Horsing around is fun.

echo,

It seems like I could get a prize or something for that.

james,

I think those are sea monkeys.

hearts,

Picky horses.

nos,

There is also a technique for slinging sh*t and talking sh*t.

jester,

Plan B is for the next day when you decide it was an accident.

lizza,

I am naughty, but very nice.

doc,

We actually talked about the hazards of dry ice on an airplane. Very technical conversation.

fab,

I shouldn't have any trouble fitting you in.

wg,

I'm not riding any jockeys.

ranger,

Ah, chivalry.

michael,

That sounds like a good game show. I'm calling Howie Mandell.

archie,

Saddle up.

mj,

I have always wanted to be mounted and stuffed.

icl,

I love that you called me a fast filly.

nwjr,

Vegetarians taste better...so I've heard.

wreck,

I'll have a good one too.

 
At 6:10 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

frannie,

I'll accept short donors.

av,

I believe it is PC to call it the Person of Color market.

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Matt said...

I've been working on my horseshit shovelling technique for years. Now you tell me.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger spoon said...

Yeah, in fact, the first time I visited your blog, i said to myself, "Now here we have a real classy chick!"

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Avitable said...

Heh - very nice.

 
At 7:06 AM, Blogger Tug said...

So do you have the saddle & blanket, or is bareback the way to go?

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

you are beyond classy, girlfriend!

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger furiousBall said...

I never could fit much horse shit on my back, that's why I always used a shovel.

 
At 7:12 AM, Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Icy sperm just sounds, well, COLD. How do you warm it up? Kind of like you would a baby bottle?

I can just imagine the ensuing convo when the neighbor sees the vial in the warm pot of water on your stove...

 
At 7:13 AM, Blogger ShadowFalcon said...

I'll remember to never stand behind a horse..

ummmm shrimp....

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger tallulah said...

Picking a guy that will mount you is very discriminating. You may have difficulty come time for online dating.

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger Mayren said...

your story was hard to follow today. those damn oysters and and Navy Seamen are keep getting in the way....

 
At 7:51 AM, Blogger Lux Lisbon said...

Four legs good. Two legs bad.

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Alison said...

I'm drooling over the oysters. Is that wrong?

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger fringes said...

Vicki is a bad influence.

 
At 7:59 AM, Blogger Claudia said...

hahahaha....good one

 
At 8:05 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

matt,

Measure twice. Shovel once.

spoon,

I know. I get that all the time.

av,

I'm just trying to keep from offending people on this blog.

tug,

Bareback is preferred. But role play is fun too.

furious,

How much sh*t can you take on your back?

edgy,

I don't know how to warm up a baby bottle. I do know how to chill a bottle of champagne.

shadow,

I'm glad that I could help.

tallulah,

I thought that maybe guys would mention their mounting abilities in their profiles.

mayren,

I am always hard to follow.

lux,

Love that book.

alison,

I could go for oysters too.

fringes,

Hey, that's my job.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

claudia,

It was a good dinner.

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger Faz the Cat said...

Dating can be so messy! FAZ

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger That's one clever little bitch! said...

you are a classy girl. I'm sure they all appreciated that.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger Blitz Krieg said...

I had a job as a technical writer a few years back. One of my assigned projects was writing a manual for guys at a pharmaceutical test farm who collected bull semen. They were called Sperm Wranglers. If it moves you it's on my Nov 13th post.

 
At 9:35 AM, Anonymous 123Valerie said...

You are quite the Philly, my dear.

i would be disappointed if all of those oysters didn't lead to mounting and semen.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger Meg said...

LOL - you MIST, ARE the classiest girl in all of Blogland.

Nothing but the best for you !

Meg

 
At 9:50 AM, Blogger Dagromm said...

Olympic sh*t shovelers? I didn't know this was a political blog.

Stay the Course,
Dagromm

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger huberama said...

you know, i am confused about grits and always have been... i tried to get clarification from a waitress in florida. i said, politely, "ma'am, can you tell what grits are?" and she looked at me, blankly, and said "grits... well, honey, grits is... grits!"

that's the thing about waitresses from florida... never a straight answer. maybe i should try georgia?

 
At 10:18 AM, Blogger Skittles said...

Oysters, mussels, shrimp, salad and GRITS? Ok.. I was raised in the south but come on...

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

faz,

My desk is messy. Dating is something else entirely.

clever,

Very few people really appreciate me. Sometimes, they over estimate me.

blitz,

I wonder if they're hiring.

123,

You don't mount oysters. You slurp them.

meg,

I am wearing a sweatshirt, little boys boxer/briefs and flip flops right now. Am I still pulling off the whole class thing?

dagromm,

This blog is very political. I use a lot of metaphors. You have to read between the lines.

hube,

I have no idea what grits are or is or be.

skittles,

Grits are not just for breakfast anymore.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger SQT said...

Well, I'm glad to hear you took the fifth of vodka. What other prize do you need?

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Roadchick said...

We competed in all kinds of uppity horsey events like dressage, stadium jumping, endurance, and Connect Four.

Dressage: dressing the horses up/roleplay?
Stadium jumping: Who knew horses could jump that high!
Endurance: for all that mounting?
Connect Four: horses with their freak on?

The 'chick knew she should've been an equestrienne.

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

sqt,

Everyone else gets their photo in the Chronicle. Although, on second thought, being pictured in the paper is rarely good.

chick,

Dressage is when you dress the jockeys up like little adorable dolls and then have tea parties with them.

Surely, you've played Connect Four. I am really, really good at it.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

I prefer to mount bareback also... As far as endurance goes, with age comes experience... I've been known ot go six or seven furlongs.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger The Stiltwalker said...

My husband from Dirty Jobs ejaculated a horse once. It was gross.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

But Mist, what about the accessorizing opportunities that turkey basters offer?

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger Natalia said...

So many horseback riding memories just came flooding. But they went away with all the talk of semen and what not. I don't want to look at black beauty that way...I refuse to. *sticks fingers in ears and sings loudly*

-N

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

ranger,

What are furdongs?

stilt,

I wonder what he was drinking.

crank,

You make a good point. I want shoes with turkey baster heels.

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

natalia,

Mmmmm. Black beauty.

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Ranger Tom said...

A lot longer than five minutes...

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger Ariel said...

oysters and semen over lunch. What more could a gal ask for?

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Glamourpuss said...

My aunt runs a stud farm. I remember a stallion once getting all premature and missing his mark. Instead, the wellington boot of the stable hand holding the mare was filled to the brim with premium horse spunk. How we laughed.

Puss

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

ranger,

There's nothing wrong with a quickie. Which is usually followed by a passy outie.

ariel,

Another drink, for one.

puss,

I remember a stallion once getting all premature too. We didn't laugh. He apologized and I sent him home.

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger cucuclaire said...

only the best for you! damn skippy.

 
At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Karmyn said...

Haven't you seen "Dirty Jobs" with Mike Rowe? Those horses don't actually get to do the "deed" - they actually eject their sperm into a red "pretend" horse vagina....and then the females get the sperm via sterile syringe. It's all very professional looking. I think the old fashioned way would be better.

 
At 4:07 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

I lived in Aiken for a summer. I never had to listen to conversations about horse jizz during dinner, though. Guess that I wasn't hanging in the right places.

-velvet

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

cucu,

I deserve it.

karmyn,

I saw that pretend horse vagina at my local adult novelty store.

velvet,

You need to change your associations. Hang out with me. Everywhere I go, people are talking about jizz.

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Class anda stiff drink will take you far - so I heard.

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger poons said...

Mist1: You are on notice, you wanna be a Dave you got to earn it girl!

Darn missed post 69 ;-)

3rd try: Are you moderating? If so delete 2 of these 3 posts!

 
At 5:47 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

olives,

I am going places, Baby.

poons,

I am no longer moderating. That was so 2006.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Ok then, when the box with the dry ice arrives from the US just return it...ok? I didn't realise you were that particular. My bad.

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

trundling,

No worries. I will send it COD.

 
At 6:07 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

sorry to hear it wasn't the donkey show. those are the best. ;)

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Williebee said...

Why Mist... How Catherine the Great of you.

This post puts a whole new spin on E-Questrian. ;)

(I'm so ashamed.)

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger velvet girl said...

That sounds like my kind of crowd. Count me in.

-velvet

 
At 6:32 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

miztris,

Sometimes, the way that you rub stuff in can make a girl feel like she is really missing out.

willie,

I always fancied myself an Elizabeth I kind of girl. This is a shame free place.

velvet,

Consider yourself invited.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Odat said...

You're a sick woman.....but funny!
Peace

 
At 6:51 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

odat,

There is nowhere I can go for help. I have tried.

 
At 5:39 AM, Anonymous Romer!can said...

Yes, thanks to some persons I still cannot believe I am related to, I was introduced to the miracle of the dry ice international courier horse semen trade. Repulsive and hurl-worthy, it irrevocably altered my perception of cowboys.

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

romerican,

I bet family gatherings are fun.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger thepinkangel said...

I can't read this many of your blogs at once and still come up with something witty to say.

aren't oysters an afrodisiac?

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

pink,

Yes, especially if you are talking about horse semen.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger tsduff said...

Your oysters are lovely. Great picture.

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger mist1 said...

duff,

Thank you. My oysters are lovely.

 

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